Chapter 18

My Beloved

.

Settling into the small home was not as easy as we'd imagined. It had been long abandoned with broken windows, uneven door frames, rotting cabinetry, and a wicked smell of vile excretions. Feathers, furs, flurries of dust, and leaves littered the living spaces, granted access from the unhinged from entrance. The space was small but there were three back rooms within the ill constructed layout. The main space consisted of a kitchen-like area and an open space I imagined was meant to be a family room.

The three back rooms were not large but they were also not as dirty as the entrance. Though there were leaves and dust piles scattered across them, they seemed easy enough to organize.

It took us days to clean out the rooms to completion, and we worked like a well-functioning crew rather than a happy family. We were robots working towards a single goal. I was forced to ask myself, as the days progressed and we worked in near silence, why this project was taking so long, and why the air seemed so tense. The conclusion I unpleasantly drew was myself. My fear of settling in made me work slower, and Jamie fed off this. Brianna, like any eight year old might, relied primarily on our instruction to remain focuses, and only worked as fast as we requested.

We did not speak during breakfast, nor dinner. And it was not until a week after our arrival that we'd made the cottage somewhat livable. The fear approached me then, as I looked upon the small home we'd fixed. My eyes met Jamies before I was able to take a step. He was challenging me within a single glance to step forward and not be a coward.

I could not find my appetite as we sat around the table together. The meal was tasteless and the sounds were still. The room was lit by only three candles, but it was enough.

"Brie?" I had not heard the word. I hadn't felt myself say it.

"Yes, mama." She asked, not looking away from her food. In our time she could eat all day, and getting her to eat her food at meal times could be troublesome. She had her father's appetite, but also his stubbornness. In the 1700's, with food so much less accessible, she ate hungrily and happily every bite from her plate. I didn't like knowing this was because she hadn't eaten since lunch, but she was being fed for every meal.

I hesitated to continue, so instead I said her name again. My hands beginning to tremble. I grabbed onto the table desperately as if it would stabilize me. I glanced for a moment at Jamie who looked at me with the same confused glance his daughter wore. If I'd known no better, I would have thought he didn't know what I was trying to say.

There was no judgement in his eyes, nor any resentment or disappointment. In fact, I had the feeling that he wouldn't say another word about it if I failed to say anything more. But I needed to. I couldn't maintain the lies. I wanted us to be a family. I needed her to know her place in that family- -that we were in love and she had been the result of that love, torn away all too soon.

I almost wished that he would tell her for me, but I knew he wouldn't. He wouldn't take from me the option to tell our daughter, or not tell her if that is what happened.

"I..I...I..." I was shaking more so she asked if I was alright. "I am... I... I was in the war, you know?"

"Yes, you and daddy. You were a nurse."

"Well after the w-war, we went to Scotland."

Brianna watched me in a memorized silence as I explained the story. Everything as clearly as I could remember it. I was not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself that these memories were not false. Jamie listened intently also, as if hearing this story for the first time.

I became more animated than I thought I would have, probably more for myself than for my tiny audience of two. It was the first time I had really played inside my memories since they'd returned, and both Jamie and Brianna waited quietly while I struggled to fill the holes i had not realized were missing. I used cues from Jamie to indicate whether I was on the right track, but he couldn't help me with memories he did not share. I could only be sure that I loved him more than anything, and when in doubt I returned to that.

When it was over we all sat in silence. I waited anxiously for Briannas response. It felt like decades while she tried to comprehend her thoughts. Then, finally after what felt like a million years.

"You're a liar! Why are you lying!?" She declared loudly, slamming her fists hard against the table. "Why would you say such things, you liar?"

"Brianna." Jamie gasped harshly looking like he was in shock.

"No, you lie too!" She snapped at him standing up, throwing her plate away from her before marching to her room. The last thing we heard from her that night echoed through the wooden and stone walls, "I hate you!"

It was silent for a moment as we registered what had happened. Jamie was the first to move. He stifled a laugh before picking up his plate and Brianna's.

"What do you find so amusing about this?" I demanded hotly.

"Nothing is amusing about this." He answered returning to sit beside me in the seat Brianna had just left vacant. "I did not expect her to react kindly. I didn't know what she'd say but still I dared to hope. Having those hopes... it seems foolish now."

"I don't know what I'm going to do." I breathed. His arm wrapped around me then and I wish I could say it was comforting but I felt a pang of almost resentment towards him. I knew we needed to tell her but... I was so angry about the situation and he was one of the best people to blame.

That night was tense and neither of us slept much. I felt almost wrong sleeping in the same bed as him because it felt like a betrayal to Bree.

The next few days were a struggle. Jamie and I could not enjoy one-another's company because we didn't want to upset our daughter, who refused to associate with unless unless forced to.

I could only get her to speak a few words to me the few times Jamie left to get supplies from the town. Still, her contributions to the conversion were limited.

It was another week before we received any guests. For whatever reason I was surprised to see Ian ride up to the cottage. I think he was more surprised to see me by the door to greet him.

"A few of our tenants said they saw people living in one of the cottages." Ian explained, struggling to take his eyes off me, after Jamie asked about the unexpected visit. "I came to investigate."

"We did not want to overwhelm you all before you were ready." Jamie admitted. "We were going to come when we had ourselves put back together.

"And who is this?" Ian asked eyeing Brianna carefully.

"Brianna." Jamie answered, his voice ringing with pride even though she was sulking. "Our daughter."

"Daughter?" Ian gasped.

"I am not your daughter!" Brianna stood and shouted before marching outside yelling "And you are not my dad!"

"Aye, she is yours." Ian nodded. "The resemblance is uncanny."

"I lost my memory." I explained in the defense of Brianna's behavior. Plus, this was not entirely a lie. "After Culloden, I forgot who I was and I raised Brianna not knowing that Jamie was her father."

"Is that possible?" Ian asked in shocked awe.

"Aye, we've seen things in war not unsimilar." Jamie shrugged.

"Not enough to make a person forget their husband." Ian argued. "How do you remember us now?"

"I am not sure." I answered because I did not want to admit seeing that horrid girl had shocked me out of my sickness. Assuming that's what it was that brought me back. "But I did remember eventually. And Brianna has not been taking it too well."

"Children adapt." Ian assured us. "Jenny will be so happy to know you are home, Jamie. And you."

"Thank you." I smiled.

"Are ye..." Ian continued then looking suddenly worried. "Are there anymore troubles with the law?"

"No." Jamie assured him.

Jenny came to visit the next day and after that they brought their children. Brianna got along well enough with her cousins, though sometimes she would mention things such as TV and automobiles as her small act of rebellion. We had to explain to her what the witch hunts were to prevent her from trying to force us home by exposing us.

As weeks turned into months, we all became more comfortable with each other. Jamie had easily won back Brianna's love, though she refused to show it when I was around. And after a few months we returned to the main house to live with Jenny and Ian and their children. We hadn't heard from Frank in any of this time. I wouldn't voice a concern to Jamie but I was getting worried. He should have sent a letter or word to let us know he was okay. Brianna would start to worry if he didn't return soon.

The months of his absence caused her to revert to her old "I hate you and Jamie" ways. She blamed us for keeping him away.

It was a few weeks more until Jamie and I were pulled from each others arms under the sheets to address the barking dogs and yells from outside the house.

We were back to living in the main house. Brianna was on speaking terms with me by that point, at least. And she was not too cruel to Jamie. As the months passed she seemed to get over her anger but often waiting until Jamie was in the room to request to see Frank. Jamie was not too pleased by this; I think it hurt him more than he would ever admit, but he never said an ill word to or about Brianna over it.

Sometimes Bree forgot what she was angry about. When she did, she would dote over Jamie as if he were her hero again. It was usually when she noticed me that she remembered why she'd been angry with him. It gave me hope all the same. Maybe she really would survive such a drastic life change.

Jamie also maintained a steady distance from me whenever she was in the vicinity. Despite the busy household and presence of the two loves of my life, I felt absolutely alone. Neither would come near me, especially not if the other was around. It didn't matter to me how intriguing I was to my nieces or nephews, I had nothing if I didn't have Jamie and Bree.

Jamie took my hand silently, kissed it, and began pulling me downstairs. There was a commotion in the main room with loud talking, gasps, and the faint sound of arguing.

When we pushed our way through and out the main door. Once outside it was clear what the problem was. Frank, or Captain Jack Randall, was dismounting his horse on the front steps of our property. Jenny looked as pale as a ghost while Ian appeared almost green. He started glancing between Jamie and Frank but Jamie looked almost disinterested in Franks sudden arrival.

"Hello, clan Fraser." Frank greeted sounding so much like his ancestor I almost felt queasy. "Or should I not say clan?"

"Merciful Lord," Jenny cried, "How are you here, demon?! Be gone with you! Wee Jamie, go fetch the priest."

"I can assure you I am no apparition." Frank said. "And my death has been greatly exaggerated."

"Why come back here, Randall?" Ian demanded. "You ken yer no welcomed here."

"I have come to speak with Jamie." he announced turning to Jamie, "And his dear family."

"We do not want your kind on our land!" Jenny spat. "The reek of the devil!"

Jenny could not comprehend the situation. She was shocked by his survival, and skeptical all the same, now looking to me as if I were somehow not meant to be here either. She became livid, also, when Jamie and I allowed him a few private moments with Brianna which led to Brianna storming off angrily and almost crying into the house.

Frank appeared distraught over this, as any father would, but neither Jenny no Ian had the knowledge required to understand that. Jenny attacked Frank assuming he'd done something to hurt Brianna so Jamie dragged her into the kitchen where her screams continued to echo throughout the house. Meanwhile I went to Brianna to see what was wrong.

"You're all liars." She told me when I asked in her room what was wrong. She'd begun packing her things- her toys, her clothing, her books- into a trunk. "I am going home and I never want to see you again."

"What did daddy say?" I asked her calmly.

"Don't you mean Frank?" She snapped.

"Bree!"

"I told him what you and Jamie said!" She cried. "And he... he... he said it was true. You have all been lying to me! None of this makes sense! I want to go home! This isn't even a real toy!" She threw whatever she'd been holding at a wall across the room.

"I am sorry, Bree." I told her truthfully, rubbing her back softly before pulling her to me in a hug. "I know this is confusing. And I am so sorry."

"You don't even care about daddy!"

"I do care about him." I promised. "But it is not the same with him."

"I won't just replace him like you did!" She screamed into my chest.

"I never expected you to."

I returned downstairs to find that Ian had sent the children, followed by Brianna, to a neighbors house and requested the cooks go tend to the land for a bit while Jamie calmed Jenny in the kitchen. Frank, Ian, and I were left in the sitting room in complete silence expect for the shouts echoing down the halls. We never spoke a word as the shouts slowly turned to murmurs until finally we heard nothing.

Then we were left in a fragile silence waiting for the siblings to return. I wanted to break the silence. I think we all did, but refused to risk it. Ian continued to give Frank wiry glances from the corner of his eye. He did not doubt Captain Jack Randall's miraculous survival but that didn't mean he was happy about it.

Finally Jamie and Jenny returned, both looking exhausted.

"I would like to apologize, Captain Randall, I should no have said the words I did to you." Jenny began. It was clear these were not words spoken too willingly but Frank accepted them regardless.

"I do not have much memory of my life before Culloden," He explained as if he had a million times. I realized in that moment he probably had. Everyone who say him would have wanted to know his story, and many would be unhappy that he'd survived. "But I am sorry for whatever acts I have committed to offend you. I hope to make right by you."

She huffed at this but Jamie was the next to speak.

"We will welcome Randall like a guest." Jamie determined. "But like any guest, he will leave before his welcome is naught."

This arrangement please both Brianna and Frank, and if I was being sincerely honest, me too. Ideally, I didn't want to drag Frank into this life with me. I wanted him to start a new one and be happy. But I was pleased to see Brianna so much happier. And due to Franks approval, she started feeling more comfortable being accepting of myself and Jamie.

Jamie didn't share the same optimism as we did about the situation. Although he never spoke ill about Frank to or around Brianna, it angered him every time Frank surprised us with his presence. The anger grew deeper as the weeks passed. Jamie felt he was getting closer to Brianna but suddenly Frank arrived and pulled them apart again.

"She doesn't call me da!" Jamie snapped at me one night while angrily ranting over his displeasure of Franks influence over our lives.

"She will eventually." I promised, though it was something I couldn't guarantee. "She used to call you padre, remember?"

He made a loud sound at the back of his throat. "She doesn't even know what that means, she thinks it means friend."

I watched him as he angrily passed around the bedroom, grumbling bitterly to himself.

"He needs to go back to his own time." Jamie decided.

"That is my time too," I reminded him. "And Brianna's."

"You and Brianna belong here." He said with a certainty that filled me with a comfortable warmth. "But I canna relax with him showing up to see her every few days. No. And it upsets Jenny and Ian also."

"We can discuss a schedule with him if you would like." I offered.

"He can go back where he belongs."

"And if he takes Bree?" I inquired. "I cannot leave my daughter."

"He will not take Bree." Jamie stated.

"She may want to go with him."

"We are her parents, we decide what is best for her." He stated. "It doesna matter what she wants."

"I do not want her to hate me, Jamie." The words were almost a whimper.

"Sassanach." He started but stopped, froze for a moment, shook his head and turned back to me. I don't know what I was expecting, but the next thing I knew he was pulling out clothing off and taking me without a second thought.

"What's the matter?" I asked Jamie as we dressed one morning. It had been months since we'd told Brianna. She wasn't as cold as she had been originally, and she'd started accepting Jamie more as an unwelcome presence in her life. Jamie had been hopeful about this but today he seemed especially low.

"Nothing is the matter." He mumbled buttoning his shirt.

"Talk to me, please Jamie." I begged taking his hands and turning him softly towards me as I sat on the edge of the bed.

"It is nothing ye need to fret over." He promised but didn't sound convinced. His eyes never met mine and his face... I stood up and hugged him as close as I could manage. He hugged me too, weakly at first but then with a growing strength as if he was desperately trying to keep me with him. "I love you, Claire."

"What is this about?" I almost demanded but he pulled away at the sounds of dogs barking outside. I couldn't overcome the tense air that stood between us so suddenly. "Jamie?"

He didn't answer. Instead he marched out the door and downstairs. When I followed, I saw Frank standing waiting in the sitting room.

Jenny and Ian sat around him but did not speak. They watched him as if he were a bear that had just entered the home.

"I am able to forgive ye, Randall, for all you did." Jamie explained when him and Frank were face to face. "But I canna live knowing you could come for my family at any moment."

"I do not wish to harm your family." Frank rebutted.

"I challenge ye, Captain Randall, to the death."

"Jamie!" Ian, Jenny, and myself all gasped. I looked around but saw no children we needed to worry about in that moment. Where were they? And how had Jamie known Frank was waiting down here?

"I refuse your challenge." Frank said calmly.

Jamie gave him a dark glare for a moment, then said "Can I have a moment alone with Captain Randall, please?"

Jenny was about to voice a complaint but Ian was by her side before she could, dragging her out. Jamie gave me a look as if to signal I was meant to leave also, but I was too nervous to go.

"I need to speak with him alone." Jamie explained offering me a hand to help me up from the couch. I didn't want to move. I didn't know what would happen if I left, and Jamies actions this morning, his calm, expectant reaction to Franks arrival, made it difficult for me to move. I accepted his hand, noticing Frank make a sour face, not for the first time since his arrival.

"Did you ask him to come?" I inquired slowly as I stood next to him.

"I canna live with his shadow behind me always." He replied in a low voice.

"What does that mean?"

"Go with Jenny and Ian, Claire." He ordered, lightly pushing me towards their direction.

"No." I snapped stepping back to him.

"This is between him and me."

"What are you doing?" I demanded. "Tell me, Jamie."

"I see she does not listen to you any better than she does to me." Frank mused.

Jamie turned slightly to give him a dark look before lowering his face to mine to kiss me lightly. He kissed me softly a few times before saying, "I love ye more than anything else. I willna lose you without a fight."

"You do not need to fight!" I argued. "You will not lose me. I am with you, only and always."

"Brianna isna happy. Not as happy as she should be. And that makes you unhappy."

"I am not unhappy, Jamie." I told him quickly.

"Aye, but if Brianna chooses to go with him, you will follow and I canna allow that."

There was a tone to his voice I remembered all too well from the last day I'd seen him before returning to my time. I grabbed him by the wrist, unsure how hard I would need to hold him.

"I willna lose, Claire." He vowed.

"Nor will I." Frank said suddenly, pulling our attention back to him. "We do not need to fight. I know that laws of these times and I understand where I lie. My placement here is fragile and if I challenge that I will lose everything. I do not wish to lose anything. I told Brianna the truth. That is what upset her. I will not interfere with your lives. I only ask that I am able to visit my daughter."

"No." Jamie hissed.

"Jamie." I tried but he shrugged me off.

"I dinna want yer face or yer name or your hands near my family." Jamie continued.

"I am not Johnathon Randall." Frank reminded coolly.

"It doesna matter." Jamie determined. "Pistol or sword. You may choose, I will meet you in the courtyard."

I grabbed him by the arm to pull him back into the room. He made a motion as if to push me away but thought better of it.

"Jamie, you don't need to kill each other!" I tried.

"I do not wish to fight." Frank agreed putting his hands up somewhat.

"Then I will kill you, I dinna mind killing a coward but arm yerself. I willna kill an unarmed coward."

"Jamie!" I begged. He gave me a sharp glare of anger and betrayal so I added, "Brianna will not forgive you."

"I forgave you for leaving and forgetting me." The words put an anchoring pain in the pit of my stomach and for a moment I thought I might fall back. The anger left his eyes then, he shook his head twice and pulled me into a hug. "I am sorry, Sassanach."

We stood in a moment of silent which felt like forever yet somehow not long enough before Frank cleared his throat loudly.

"I will promise to stay away." Frank said as we turned to him. "But I only ask two things."

"What?" I wondered before Jamie could say no.

"First, I need you... Jamie," It seemed difficult for him to say the name. He was struggling to even look at us. "I need you to verify my identity to my superiors, as well as to act as a reference in support of me maintaining my position as captain."

"What?" I asked.

"They fear I am out of practice." He admitted but struggled to say the rest. "That I am... unable to properly preform my old duties. They want to replace me. I can not stay in this era without the protection of that position."

"Then don't stay in this era." Jamie suggested.

"I will not leave Brianna." Frank snapped. "Besides, I have heard of the difficulty you've had with the law. It would help you to have a Captain protecting you."

"That captain is the same one causing my difficulty with the law." Jamie reminded.

"What is your second request?" I inquired.

"Visitation privileges with Brianna."

"Of course." I said in the same beat that Jamie said "No."

I glanced up at him ready to argue but he was one step ahead.

"I do appreciate your efforts to raise my daughter in my place, but your services are no longer needed. She is our daughter, and it is my turn to raise her. Besides, having you around will only confuse the poor lass."

"He is as much her father as you are, Jamie." I tried. He gave me a look that made me want to be quiet but I knew Franks request was not unfair. "He should be allowed to see her."

I thought he would say no. To continue fighting, but instead he said, "Once a year."

"That is hardly fair!" Frank argued.

"Once a year or I can send you back to your own time." Jamie decided.

"Once a week."

Jamie spat out a laugh but shook his head.

"Once a month and holidays." Frank tried.

"That seems fair." I agreed.

"I cannot live like that." Jamie disagreed.

"Jamie." I moaned.

"Once a year." He continued.

"Once every six months and holidays."

"Once a year, no holidays." Jamie, Frank didn't understand, was too stubborn to be moved far from this agreement.

I decided to help Frank by saying, "Once a year and one holiday."

"No holiday, once a year." Jamie snapped at me.

"That is not enough!" Frank shouted so I turned to give him a look I hoped he would understand as trust me.

"Once a year and one holiday with lots of advanced warning." I suggested to Jamie. After Jamie felt more secure in our lives, I am sure he'd let Frank come visit more.

Jamie gave me a wiry, unpleasant look as I wrapped my arms around his chest. I knew it was unfair to show Jamie affection with Frank in the room, but I was trying to help him.

"We are not going to leave you, Jamie." I told him quiet enough that Frank could probably not hear. "You will get time with Brianna, I promise. He will not interfere. But letting him see her will help them say goodbye. Plus... the faster this is resolved, the faster we can go upstairs."

This perked his attention. "What is upstairs?"

"What do you want to be upstairs?"

He hesitated for a moment, then groaned and sighed.

"Once a year and one holiday with a minimum month notice in advance." Jamie agreed.

Frank looked unhappy about this but I willed him to agree and finally he did.

"I want to say goodbye." Frank noted, looking genuinely unhappy about the situation.

"Come back tomorrow so we have time to prepare her." I requested.

Frank looked unhappily at the two of us, mumbled something under his breath but finally agreed. Jamie wrote him a letter of recommendation before we sent Frank on his way to start his life as Captain Johnathon Randall.

When it was only Jamie and I, he took me in his arms and kissed me desperately. I expected a moments breath to ask him what had him like this, but he never gave it. I didn't mind as he picked me up and carried me upstairs to our room. He dropped me onto my back on the bed, my skirts lifting slightly in response. I watched him readily as he pull my skirts up to my hips and spread my knees open before lowering to his knees in front of me.

"I willna lose you again, Sassanach." He warned me.

"You will not lose me." I vowed almost breathless as I waited for him to continue.

"I will kill anyone who tries to take you from me, you ken that?" He continued as he started kissing and nibbling my inner thigh.

"Yes." I gasped unthinkingly. Then I understood his meaning but was too lost in the moment to worry myself over it. We could discuss it after we were done. He didn't need to kill Frank to have me. I was his.

"You are mine, Sassanach." He continued as his mouth got closer to its destination. "And I am going to prove that."

"Jamie..." I sat up and pulled his face up to mine. I kissed him twice hard on the lips then stared deep into his eyes. "Jamie. I love you. Nothing could make me leave you. You and I, and Brianna, are going to live the happiest, longest life we can together. I promise you that. You do not need to prove anything to me. I am yours. Forever."

He watched me for a moment, his expression never changing. Then all at once his eyes shifted, his face relieved, his lips trembled, and he pulled me tight into his arms as tears started leaving his eyes.

He said something in Gaelic I didn't understand except for two words; my beloved.

Thank you for reading and thank you so much for waiting!

Sorry for any errors in this chapter. My computer has been glitching and I don't know how to fix it.

I hope you have enjoyed! :)