Summary:
Harry Potter is the dratted spawn of the Potion Master's Hogwarts nemesis, James Tiberius Kirk - oops, wrong fandom, James-archetype Gryffindor-Potter. Watch what happens when Snape's new nemesis fails to do his assigned summer reading and is held after class by his vengeful Potions Professor, Severus Snape. Snape soon realizes, to his utter horror, that he, Potions Master par excellence ain't the only ginormously-powered half-blood wizard Dumbledore has mistreated by leaving him in the hands of malicious Muggles. A whole lotta words that pretell the payback that three half-blood wizards rain down upon one purebred megalomaniac. And there are Veelacorns a-comin', 'cause they're a thing/are things - subject-verb agreement, who am I, the grammar police? Oh, and there is a lotta Inner Monologue, just because. Veelacorns are cute, and no, I don't abuse substances of any kind, this is just the way my brain is wired. Enjoy!
Notes:
For elvirakitties, lovetoseverus, sheankelor, Alisanne.
Inspired by Plot Bunnies by elvirakitties.
No money is crossing my palms for this Snarrody. JKR, keep all the money, I'm here for the chuckles. This is inspired by Chapter 24 of Elvirakitties' Plot bunnies. Read the chapter and the first response to said Chapter, that is where I am ROUGHLY taking the bunny for walkies.
Chapter 1: Partners in Crime
Summary:
Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, arrives at Hogwarts, the son of the Potion Master's rival, James Potter. The Headmaster has told him that Harry Potter is a spoiled brat, just like his father. Snape soon learns that this is the opposite of the truth, that he lives in squalor with his deceased best friend's sister and her walrus husband and juvenile walrus son. Read on to see how Severus Snape and Harry Potter become "Partners in Crime".
Harry Potter is ensconced in his seat in the dungeon classroom , his thoughts carried away by the melodic baritone of Master Potioneer, Severus Snape, as he delivers his annual "Welcome to Potions, You Totally Hopeless Dunderhead Firsties" Lecture :
"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. . . I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death — if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach." (JKR, Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone)
Snape locks eyes with a particularly annoying firstie, the mirror image spawn of his Marauder nemesis, Harry Potter, and spots his seeming inattentiveness. He ruthlessly quizzes Harry on the summer reading assignment, that Harry definitely did NOT read, as Uncle Vernon had his books locked up tighter than Gringotts, in Harry's former bedroom under the stairs. Hermoine, the annoying bushy haired know it all, tried to show off her "I totally memorized the book and I am dying to make all who are not me look like dunces" prowess, failing to realize that her brown-nosing ways would only serve to inflame the ire of the professor. He bypasses her with a sneer that was utterly wasted on her, as she has failed miserably at nonverbal cues all of her life, and stands directly in front of his new nemesis ("James Potter is dead, it's time to retaliate against the next generation of Potter, population one, because I told the Dark One about the prophecy"- oh shit, Lily's dead, it's my fault, now I'm sad - what to do - I know). "See me after class, Potter, my time is too valuable, and I have no desire, to waste the first evening of term in detention with the likes of you", Snape snarls as he smacks the back of Hermoine's head with a rolled up parchment, because nobody likes a know it all, especially not the Professor, who really does know it ALL, unlike Hermoine, who only thinks she does.
And now we fast forward to the end of class, because the first day of term is boring as hell and does nothing to advance the story. "So, Mister Holier than Thou, "I Survived Voldemort and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt" Boy Who Lived, do you think you are so above your classmates that you are exempt from the summer reading?", Snape snarls, failing to notice that he has so frightened Harry, that the poor orphan is losing bladder control while Snape is engaging in said snarling. "Sir, the Dursleys hate magic and forbade me from reading any of my assignments over the summer. Aunt Petunia hits me on top of the head with a frying pan whenever I even think about magic, and Uncle Vernon has taken to occasionally beating me senseless and throwing me in my cupboard, for no reason, ever since I spoke to that snake at the zoo and set it free. I am sorry, Professor, Sir."
The wheels in Snape's brain were furiously spinning. Petunia Dursley, Lily's spiteful, magic-envying sister, and her magic-hating spouse are Harry's guardians. Harry is a Parselmouth. Dumbledore is allowing Harry to be abused, while he lets people believe that Harry is being well cared for. And Severus thought he was the only wizard Dumbledore tormented with "kindness". Oh my Merlin, it's time for a paradigm shift, he thinks, as he chooses his next words carefully, while wordlessly vanishing the puddle at Harry's feet and simultaneously drying Harry's trousers.
"Harry, I owe you an apology. The Headmaster has led me to believe that you are a pampered hero. Clearly, you are not. He has manipulated me my entire adult life, over a prophecy I overheard. Voldemort used that prophecy as justification to kill your parents. He could have chosen the Longbottoms, he did not, he chose the Potters. Not. My. Fault, regardless of what Dumbledore believes. I rescued you from the wreckage of your home, and Dumbledore delivered you from one evil to another. He will use you, Harry, as he has used me, and he will feel no guilt in doing so. He believes only he knows what is good for wizardkind. He is wrong. He made The Dark Lord Dark, by allowing him to be abused by muggles, just as you were by the Dursleys, just as I was by my muggle father, and he was by the muggle orphanage staff." Harry locks emerald green high-beam eyes on Severus Snape, and he and Snape come to a mind-to-mind silent understanding - without violence, Dumbledore will be stopped, but only after they uncover Dumbledore's plan.
"Harry, would it bother you if we have fun at the Headmaster's expense while we unravel his plan for Wizarding Britain's domination? He's caused me a lot of pain, and as the Muggles say, Payback is a BITCH." Harry smiles shyly as he giggles, 'cause Snape just used a curse word, and he's never heard one that hasn't been directed at himself. "Sir, that sounds great. Will we get to see Dumbledore wet his pants, because I'd really like to see that", Harry whispers, because he's never had a partner in crime before, but mostly, fresh off his own incontinence, he wanted to see Dumbledore standing in a puddle of pee.
"Wetting his pants will be just the beginning of his comeuppance, Harry, and I promise you, you will have a front row seat. For now, we must pretend to be enemies. Dumbledore has eyes everywhere, and I believe Miss Granger will be the next pair added to his collection. Tell her nothing of importance, but feel free to mislead her. Come see me again at Halloween, I believe the Headmaster will try something then. And keep your eyes open around "Professor" (readers will just have to imagine the air quotes Snape gestured) Quirrell, Dumbledore chose that dunce for a reason, I just haven't discovered it yet." The Professor hands Harry a small, pre-printed parchment - a pass to present to the professor of Harry's next class. "Be off with you, and make sure you look cowed, I have an image to maintain." With a swirl of robes, Snape exits dramatically, while Harry traipses off to his next class, worshipping the ground Snape stalks upon.