Rating: PG (for implied language and non-detailed violence)

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.

Summary: Secret Santa story. '"Nuh, nothing's bothering me," Mikey said with a small, nervous laugh.' When Mikey isn't his usual cheerful self, it's up to Leo to discover just what is going on. 2k3.

A/N: This is my Secret Santa gift for UlisaBarbic on DA (ThickerThanLove on FFNet). I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and have an even better New Year. This is set in the 2k3 universe with a touch of influence from others.

Request: See after story for details.

For those who are interested, this story is set sometime after 'Burning Daylight'. However, it is not necessary to read that first.

'Could've, Should've'

Leonardo sat at the table, watching his normally vibrant brother preparing breakfast. As usual, Michelangelo hummed as he cooked but to Leo's sensitive hearing, the normally cheerful music sounded somewhat flat.

"Is everything okay, Mikey?" Leo asked softly, concerned by how his brother seemed.

Michelangelo stiffened imperceptibly, then he turned, bright smile plastered in place and head canted just a skosh too much to be believable, "Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be, bro?"

"You just seem as though something's bothering you," Leo answered quietly, watching the way his brother's eyes widened slightly before shuttering as they always did when Mikey was upset or disturbed about something, yet hiding it. Michelangelo could be over the top, melodramatic even, when it came to the little things and fears anyone else thought to be silly but whenever something seriously bothered him or he was hurt while they were in a particularly bad situation, he clammed up, not wanting to worry anyone else. It was a bad habit Leo did not enjoy being on the receiving end of but he couldn't exactly complain too much, considering he often tried to hide his problems too; the emotional ones more so.

"Nuh, nothing's bothering me," Mikey reiterated with a small, nervous laugh. "Maybe I just seem a bit off 'cause I came home kinda late last night and didn't get enough sleep?" he suggested a little too easily.

Leo frowned and turned to gaze at the huge breakfast his brother had almost finished preparing but before he could comment on it, their other brothers shuffled slowly into the kitchen, bleary-eyed and yawning widely. Donnie immediately gravitated to the coffee percolator which had been started the moment Leo entered the room earlier, and Raph grunted his greeting as he half sat, half flopped down into a chair at the table. Suddenly he froze, staring at the banquet; freshly baked blueberry muffins, still warm from the oven; bacon; cheesy scrambled eggs; grilled tomatoes and mushrooms; toast and pancakes with berry coulis beside. Raph blinked, once, twice, then glared up at Mikey.

"Alright, knucklehead! What the shell have you done this time?"

"Nothing!" Mikey protested adamantly. "Shell! What's with the third degree from everyone this morning?"

Donnie sat down, mug in hand and drank deeply as they spoke, not caring that the liquid was still far too hot for anyone else's standards – he never did early in their day, needing the kick first thing as he did – then he too scrutinised the table and looked up at Mikey. "To be fair, Mikey, you don't normally go to quite this much effort unless we are celebrating something or you're feeling guilty over something you've done that you know full well that you shouldn't have," he pointed out calmly.

"Geez! Can't a turtle just make a lavish breakfast for his beloved family to show how much he loves and appreciates them on a whim?" Mikey asked, melodramatically throwing his arms into the air as he whirled around to pull the last batch of pancakes off the stove.

"No!" Donnie and Raph automatically replied. Leo just continued to watch Mikey silently, seeing the subtle signs of him withdrawing more. It was more than just guilt over something broken or damaged troubling his brother this morning, he realised. Whatever it was went deep and Leo knew then and there that this wasn't the right moment to press. He reached out for the bowl of scrambled eggs and piled some onto his plate before thrusting it firmly into the surprised hands of Raphael beside him.

"Before it gets cold," he commanded lightly with a small smile.

-:-

It was a free day and as such there was no training, though Leo still headed for the dojo immediately after breakfast for meditation and some mid-level kata for exercise as he was wont to do. Once properly awake, Donatello soon retreated to his lab and Raph joined Mikey playing a video game for a while before heading out to meet Casey at his home. Sometime after Raph left, Leo emerged from the dojo to see Mikey still on the couch, slumped and simply staring at his deceased character on the screen in front with hollow eyes. A message asking 'Revive?' bounced lightly in place every few seconds or so. Frowning, Leo approached, deliberately walking with a heavier tread than usual to give his brother forewarning but Mikey didn't respond. To his surprise, Mikey's eyes were full of pain so Leo lightly touched his shoulder and sat down beside him.

"What happened, Mikey?" Leo asked gently but firmly and finally, Michelangelo seemed to notice him, jumping as if startled.

"N-nothing!" Mikey denied yet again, his voice a tad shaky.

"Uh huh..." Leo replied, giving him a disbelieving look. "Because you always sit there staring blankly at the screen when you die," he pointed out, even as Mikey stiffened and turned back to his game, stabbing almost viciously at the controller and reviving his character.

"I was just thinking about how I could avoid it next time, bro," Mikey was quick to justify.

Leo didn't comment but instead just sat there, considering him as he began playing once more and feeling as though Mikey wasn't talking about the game but rather something else entirely. As he watched, it became more and more obvious that his brother's heart wasn't in the game and it never had been.

"You were in a good mood when you left to go meet with Angel last night," Leo observed quietly. Much to the disgust of everyone else, Mikey had recently begun corrupting their younger friend with his love of B-grade horror and kaiju flicks and so for the last couple of weeks, the pair had planned to see a monster movie in the park the rest of them had no interest in seeing. Angel's brother Ryan had been happy to convince their grandmother to allow her to go since Mikey would be with her and for his part, thanks to the cooler weather of Autumn, Mikey had been able to hide his true appearance with bundles of clothing and had promised to keep near the trees at the back so there'd be less chance of being noticed. Leo knew Angel arrived home safely after the movie, thanks to the text Mikey sent when he dropped her off. That was also when his brother let them know he'd be stopping for a late night snack before heading home. Donnie immediately offered to keep an eye out for Mikey's return since he'd be up anyway and Leo, hesitant at first, agreed, taking advantage of his offer. After all, Mikey wasn't Raph. Sure, he wouldn't hesitate to help someone in need and therefore potentially get waylaid, but he didn't go looking for trouble and if he found himself in over his head, Mikey was far more likely to call for backup rather than push on alone like Raph or even Leo himself would.

Donnie hadn't alerted him about anything wrong last night and had, in fact, knowing Leo's worry-wort nature, texted Leo to inform him when Mikey finally returned home.

However, despite what Mikey suggested at breakfast that morning, he hadn't been out that late. According to Donnie's message, Mikey arrived home a little after midnight. Early by their standards and in fact earlier than expected if Mikey went for food as he'd said.

"So what happened?" Leo wondered worriedly.

But Mikey didn't answer. Instead, he suddenly leant forward, put his controller down and shut off the console. Then, without looking at Leo he stood and said cheerfully, "I'm going to go read for a bit. I finally completed the original Silver Sentry run the other day and I've been wanting to reread it all in order! Later, bro!"

And before Leo could protest the brush off, Mikey was gone.

-:-

Not too long later, Leo knocked on Donnie's door before simply letting himself in. Donnie, as usual, was deeply engrossed in whatever he was working on and seemingly unaware of Leo's presence. Leo, however, thankfully knew better and sat down on a miraculously clear section of bench to wait. After several minutes, Donnie finished typing and swivelled around to meet Leo's gaze, brow ridges raised questioningly.

"What can I do for you, Leo?" he asked curiously.

Leo smiled wanly, "I was just wondering how Mikey was when he came home last night," he asked, hoping that Donnie might be able to shed some light on the mystery.

Donnie blinked a moment before shrugging. "I'm sorry, but I really have no idea," he replied apologetically.

Leo frowned, "I thought you saw him," he said, trying not to come across as accusing; Donnie was the last person he wanted to rankle.

Donnie shook his head and reluctantly admitted, "Unfortunately, I didn't."

"Yet you texted when he came home," Leo pointed out calmly.

"Yes, I did. Mikey stopped by the lab and called out to let me know he was home and going straight to bed. However, by the time I turned around, the door was closed and he was gone," Donnie explained, his full attention on Leo as he answered. "So no, I never actually saw him."

"I see," Leo mused thoughtfully. "I don't suppose you paid any attention to how he sounded at the time by any chance?"

"I'm afraid I didn't notice beyond loud enough to get my attention," Donnie replied almost guiltily.

Leo knew that while Donnie did tend to hear them when they came aknocking, it often took a little bit for it to sink in and for him to focus on anything other than whatever he was working on. They all knew that. As a result, they had long learnt to make sure they had his full attention before they started talking about whatever they wanted him for. In fact, Mikey knew that better than anyone considering how often he barged in to interrupt Donnie for whatever reason and the fact that he didn't wait spoke volumes about his mood at the time.

"I assume you are asking due to Mikey's behaviour this morning?"

Leo nodded glumly. "Yes. I tried asking not long ago but once again, he brushed all concern aside." He sighed despondently, staring off in the direction of the bedrooms and dreading the confrontation to come. It had to be done though. He couldn't knowingly leave any of his family to suffer alone and from what he saw, Mikey was definitely suffering over something.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be more help," Donnie apologised, also glancing worriedly in the same direction Leo was. "Would you like me to try talking to him? Perhaps I could get him to open up."

"No," Leo shook his head resolutely, "I'll handle it. Thanks though."

"Okay. Just make sure you let me know if I'm needed."

-:-

Leo strode directly to Michelangelo's room, determined to finally get some answers and knocked. There was no response so once more, he let himself in, grateful that it wasn't locked; not that that would have stopped him for long. The sight that met him made his heart sink. Michelangelo sat hunched in on himself, all pretence forgotten as Leo made his way through the disarray of the room and climbed up onto Mikey's bed to sit beside him.

"It's just us, Mikey. Neither Raph nor Master Splinter are home and Donnie's in his lab, so talk to me," Leo commanded softly.

Mikey stiffened a moment before finally seeming to realise that further denial was useless in the face of his determined big brother and leader. He turned just enough to look up at Leo with eyes glittering with unshed tears.

"... I couldn't save him, Leo..." he finally admitted, voice shaking with guilt and misery.

"Tell me what happened."

-:-

Mikey smiled jubilantly as he snapped closed his Shell-Cell after reading the acknowledging text from Leo; he was good for a few more hours yet. He looked up, confirming his bearings, and began bounding across the rooftops towards Rupert's, already salivating at the thought of the cheesy goodness and easy friendship he would find there.

It didn't take long to reach the pizzeria from Angel's and he soon made his way down into the alley tucked behind the small but popular store, careful to make sure he was alone before exposing himself. Once sure he was safe, he knocked cheerfully at the door with his signature staccato and ducked quickly behind the nearby dumpster to wait. Soon enough, a silhouette with a golden halo shining around his head appeared at the door. Mikey grinned broadly and emerged from hiding to greet his friend.

"Hey, Woody!" he cheered happily.

"Mikester! I didn't expect to see you tonight! What brings you here on a Friday night?"

"The call of a late night snack after a great movie!" Mikey laughed. "Went to the outdoor flix with Angel tonight. They had 'The Thing that Ate Hoboken' playing to celebrate Friday the thirteenth!"

"Aw man! I wanted to go to that too but I had to work. Couldn't get anyone to swap tonight," Woody exclaimed wistfully as he leant against the wall to the side of the door. "Was it as bad as I hear?"

"Oh yeah!" Mikey snickered in joy. "It was so bad it was awesome! Hey, maybe I can convince Donnie to download it and I can bring it over your place when you're off?"

Woody grimaced. "Love to, Mike, but it'll have to wait a couple of weeks. I've got family staying with me right now."

"Too bad, dude," Mikey replied in disappointment. "Yeah, rain check then, for sure."

"Sounds good. Hey, I gotta get back to work. Do you want the usual?"

"Please!" Mikey begged eagerly as his stomach rumbled loudly.

Woody laughed. "Okay. Well, it's a busy night so unfortunately, you'll be waiting a while."

"Yeah, I figured but that's okay. Shell, that's why I don't normally come on Friday nights."

"Wise decision," Woody grinned ruefully as he stepped away from the wall and back to the door. "I'll bring it out when I can and take my break so we can hang for a bit then."

"Sure, no rush," Mikey said easily as his stomach protested its emptiness once more. "Just ignore what my stomach says. It's rude anyway!"

Woody disappeared inside with a laugh and Mikey melted back into the shadows to wait impatiently, wishing he'd brought his Game-dude with him to pass the time with after all.

As he waited, he fidgeted and hummed and played I-spy, mimicking the voices of his brothers for companionship (excluding Leo of course since Leo wouldn't have approved of playing the game down at street level where just anyone could overhear). Unable to resist, Mikey snickered to himself as he found himself mimicking Leo lecturing on ninja stealth and quiet. Then suddenly mid-spiel, he fell silent, head whipping to face the back door of the restaurant.

Something wasn't right.

He thought he'd heard a shout and a … Mikey's blood ran cold and he dashed towards the door in record time, listening intently all the way.

"...cking said to give me the damn cash!" a vaguely familiar voice yelled from deep within.

For half a moment, Mikey was tempted to try to work out who that voice belonged to but he shook his head to focus and carefully eased open the door instead, slipping silently inside.

Glancing around to take in his surroundings, he saw a young kitchen hand cowering beside the oven, hidden from view of the empty door frame leading to the lobby. He was shaking and staring at Mikey mouth agape so Mikey gave him a quick reassuring smile and raised a single finger to his beak, warning the kid to stay quiet before silently running to the doorway. He peered carefully around it to see Woody behind the counter with the till open and hurriedly stuffing money into a small bag. A single Purple Dragon, Dragon Pat (named as such because even the PDs thought he was a load of...) stood before him, twitching and shaking with withdrawal as he held him at gunpoint.

Mikey's world shrank to a pinprick as he realised just how bad this was. He recognised the gang member as a junkie who often attacked others at gunpoint when desperate for a hit. They'd tried to take him down many a time but unfortunately, he either found a way to escape after hurting someone or the charges failed to stick when he was actually brought in. At that moment, Mikey ached with everything he had to just race out and take the gun from Dragon Pat but the situation was far too precarious; he had no chance of knocking him out or taking the weapon from him before he could fire and if he fired towards Woody... A shiver of fear rippled down his shell. All he could do right now was watch and wait and hope to shell that Woody didn't accidentally set Dragon Pat off before he could leave. At that point, Mikey promised himself that the junkie would not escape this time.

He drew back carefully so as to not draw attention and took a deep but silent calming breath to steady his nerves when suddenly the storefront door opened and the bell chimed merrily.

Dragon Pat, glassy-eyed and still twitching with need, spun about as the gun went off in his wavering hand.

"WOODY!" Mikey cried out in terror as he dashed into the lobby, nunchaku already drawn and spinning as he launched himself at the junkie. He slammed the wood across the back of his neck, felling him. Once sure he was out for the count, Mikey whirled, crying out his friend's name desperately once more.

-:-

"Oh, no... I'm so sorry, Mikey," Leo whispered sadly as his brother finally broke down. He wrapped his right arm around Mikey's shoulders and drew him into his side to comfort him as best he could. "Why didn't you tell us? Woody was a good friend to all of us."

Mikey sniffled and pulled himself together enough to choke out, "Woody's fine, Leo... sha-shaken up but... but fine," he mumbled as he buried his face into the crook of Leo's warm neck.

Leo paused a moment, "Then who?" he prompted carefully, worriedly. Obviously, Michelangelo hadn't told him everything yet.

"It was Sander. He... he came into Rupert's to pick up a pizza he ordered on his way ho-home and he... he came in at the wrong moment..."

Leo thought furiously; the name was familiar but... "The manager of the extreme sports park!" he finally realised. "You kept in touch with him?"

Mikey nodded miserably. "Yeah... he... he said we could come back whenever but you guys weren't really interested when I brought it up again after what happened the first time." Leo carefully kept a straight face, not wanting to remember how they'd had such a great time that night that they'd lost track of time and nearly couldn't get home again. "So I just went on my own a few times instead. Hung out with him a little from time to time. Not often but... yeah..." Mikey trailed off, ashamed.

"Did he...?"

Mikey shook his head against Leo as he answered the unfinished question. "He was still alive when the ambulance arrived but..." he shuddered and choked as the emotion ripped through him once more, before finally managing to whisper, "but there wasn't much hope, even I could tell it was a... a fatal shot... and... and he died before they could get him into the ambulance..."

Leo carefully shifted to face Mikey better and held him tight against him. He rubbed soothingly at his brother's shell, not caring about getting soaked as Mikey sobbed and sniffled against him.

"You know it wasn't your fault, right?" he eventually asked softly, heart clenching as he felt his brother stiffen in disbelief. "It was an impossible situation."

"I know it was, Leo!" Mikey snapped desperately, pulling away and scrubbing furiously at red-rimmed eyes. "But I still should've done something! I should have tried to take him down instead of just standing there!"

"How?" Leo asked seriously, firmly, as he tried to force Mikey to think and see reason instead of simply reacting to his feelings. "I've seen the inside of Rupert's too. If Dragon Pat was facing the counter, there was no way you could have left the kitchen without being seen and he would have shot Woody or yourself. Even if you shut off the lights, he sounds like he was too jumpy to have not fired immediately."

"Then I should have gone around and..."

"And what? You wouldn't have made it before Sander entered the store and even if you somehow, miraculously did, then you would have been the one to be shot."

"I'm a ninja and I knew the situation, Sander didn't!" Mikey choked out. "I could've dodged!"

"There's no way to be sure of that," Leo said softly, pointedly.

Mikey wilted once more as Leo's words hit home. "Maybe," he floundered, "but I still should have tried!"

"You did try, Mikey. You had a plan which circumstances forced you to throw out the window, which as you know often happens, and if you didn't act when you did there may have been two deaths rather than one, possibly more if that junkie escaped and attacked anyone else," Leo pointed out firmly. Then softer, "It may not seem like much consolation right now but you have to remember that. You did good and you know that not even the greatest superhero can save everybody."

Mikey snorted slightly and looked away.

"I mean it, Mikey! Trust me, I know all about hopeless situations and feeling like I should have somehow done more."

Mikey's head shifted slightly and Leo could see he had his brother's attention again as his eyes flickered briefly to him.

"We might show it differently but what you're feeling right now is very similar to how I felt when we took down Shredder and had to sacrifice ourselves to do it. Yes, the Utrom turned up in time to save our lives but it didn't change the fact that I couldn't save us. You couldn't have saved him, Mikey and all the would've, could've and should'ves in the world won't change that and I know it hurts, believe me, I know! It hurts to feel like you failed and it hurts to have lost a friend in such a senseless way." Leo paused a moment to catch his breath, glad to see he had Michelangelo's full attention once more. "I wish I could take that pain from you, Mikey, but I can't. All I can do is be here for you and I always will be, so long as I draw breath."

Mikey sniffled and wiped his arm noisily across his nostrils as his emotions overcame him once more. Then he threw himself into Leo's arms and let it all out, sobbing at the unfairness of it all and Leo simply held him, murmuring soothing nonsense until finally exhausted, Mikey fell asleep in his arms.

Once he was sure Mikey wouldn't wake anytime soon, Leo gently extricated himself and lay his brother down, pulling the blanket up and over him. Then Leo jumped lightly to the floor, switched on the small lamp and left, shutting off the main light as he did.

-:-

A few days later, Leonardo, Donatello and Raphael approached Mikey who lay on the couch watching TV listlessly. Leo sat on the arm beside Mikey's head, resting his hand lightly on his brother's shoulder and Raph lifted Mikey's legs to sit at the other end, dropping his feet onto his lap once settled. Mikey lifted his gaze to look at them both disinterestedly before looking up at Donnie who blocked his view of whatever had been on TV.

"What's up, bros?" Mikey finally asked, trying and failing to sound more upbeat than he felt. He hated worrying his family like this but he just couldn't help it right now; he didn't have the energy or spirit to do otherwise.

Donnie smiled gently, "I found out Sander's funeral is tomorrow," he said, eyes full of sympathy.

Mikey struggled to straighten but Leo beat him before he could speak.

"Before you ask, you know we can't go to it, Mikey," he said firmly, a small note of apology in his voice.

Mikey flopped back down, disappointed and hurt. Then what was the point of even bothering to tell him?

"We can't go to the funeral but since I found out where it is, we can at least go pay our respects tonight," Donnie continued softly.

"R... really?" Mikey asked hoarsely, this time managing to sit up as he stared hopefully at Donnie. He felt Leo squeeze his shoulder comfortingly.

"Really," Leo confirmed with a small smile.

Raph nodded. "Yeah, we already talked it through and figure we can sneak into the funeral home before they bury him tomorrow. He was one of the good ones an' didn't deserve what happened to him so we can at least say goodbye and thank him for what he's done for us and for bein' your friend."

Mikey felt the emotion well up inside again, this time the sadness tinged with joy; he wasn't worthy of such awesome brothers who went out of their way to help him however they could. He really wasn't.

"Thank you!" he cried. "Thank you so much!"

-:-

Owari

Request: Mikey getting some comfort from his brothers when he was unable to save someone. Main characters, Michelangelo and Leonardo.