A/N: Thank you for tuning into our new project! This is a slice-of-life high school AU for the JoJo series with lots of unexpected routes and plot reveals ahead. If you want to see what happens, then stay tuned. :))
- TeamKokoTwo
JoJo's Ordinary Adventure: Fanta Blood
"Josuke! It's time for school!" Tomoko yelled from the next room over.
Little did she know, Josuke was already up. He always got up an hour before school because he needed to spend a lot of time and effort into his Elvis Presley inspired hair. After thirty-five minutes, he was finally finished with his hairdo.
"Hah! Lookin' good, Jojo," Josuke said cooly to himself, pulling his comb out of his thick hair with some strain because it was too thick.
Nevertheless, he reached for his men's hairspray and went nuts on his poor, chemical abused hair, spraying it as if he was attempting to kill a cockroach with Bug Spray.
"Cough, cough!" Josuke choked up and his eyes teared up heavily, but he didn't care because he looked kewl.
He slammed the hairspray down and moonwalked to the edge of his bed, sliding on the final piece to his uniform with swag: His embellished school jacket. Yoisha! Now he was ready to rock n' roll!
He walked downstairs and picked up only the bread from the plate of pancakes, sausage, and scrambled eggs. It was rude, but he was in a rush! No, he wasn't late for school, but recently he transferred to a new one within Morioh called Bel-Air High School. He wouldn't know where his classes or the other rooms were specifically, so he would need time to find out ahead of time.
Sigh.
What a drag, but at least his best friends Koichi and Okuyasu passed the entrance exam to get in as well. If they weren't there with him, then Josuke would have a harder time enjoying school hours.
"I'm going out, Mom!" Josuke told Tomoko as he took a large bite into his bread, carrying his light school bag over his shoulder like always.
"Eh?! That's all you're taking? I got up early to make this large breakfast! You better come back and eat it all, you son of a–"
Josuke had already closed the door and slipped on his airpods, blasting Great Days by Karen Aoki and Daisuke Hasegawa at a loud volume. He strolled down the sidewalk, snapping his finger along to the beat as the tunes went through his eardrums and placed him into a better vibe.
"Oi, Josuke!"
A large hand slapped him on the back, startling him enough that his expensive airpods fell out of his ears since they were wireless. Shit! He hurriedly picked them up since he spent his savings on these bad boys and it would be all over for him if he lost them now.
"Be more careful. Didn't you see I was listening to my music?" Josuke scolded his best friend, but immediately felt bad for his tone when he saw Okuyasu frown.
He was weak to that face, but that didn't imply anything about his sexuality. No way, man.
"Haha! Sorry, Josuke! I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to show you something!" Okuyasu said excitedly like a child wanting to show their parent something.
"What is it?" He said, half paying attention as he slipped one airpod back into his ear. Luckily, Great Days was still playing and just got to his favorite part of the bop.
"Hehe! Look, look!" Okuyasu took out his Sony PSP 2000 that was completely cracked on the screen, but somehow still usable to Okuyasu. It was already turned on, so he shoved it in Josuke's face for him to read the screen.
"What is this?" Josuke asked, not understanding what he was looking at.
"Haaah? Can't you read?!"
It was understandable that Josuke couldn't see shit since the PSP screen was so horribly cracked it even gave Josuke a mild headache. It took him a couple seconds just to look past the clumsy damage and read what was on the screen. If Okuyasu hadn't dropped the game console on the ground twelve years ago, this wouldn't even be a problem.
Okuyasu scrolled down on his PSP some more. It was a chat full of messages with Okuyasu and some person name 'japanesegoddess420'.
"I started talking to this babe through chat last night and she became my girlfriend!"
Josuke rose his brow skeptically. It was pretty obvious that these messages from this chick was fake, but he was aware of the lack of critical thinking skills Okuyasu had. Who even named themselves japanesegoddess420? It was unrealistic that someone would hook up with another person after a couple messages.
"And here's her photo! She's such a babe!"
When Okuyasu scrolled down, he full-screened a photo taken from Joogle Images of a woman who appeared to be in her late thirties. She had a beautiful face, long black hair, and the acceptable basom size for high school boys their age. The selfie could've been believable if the photo wasn't so horrendously low quality and the picture's dimensions weren't the size of a nickel.
"Uhh..." said Josuke. How should he break it down to his friend nicely? "And how old did she say she was?"
"Like forty!" Okuyasu said proudly with a perverted grin on his face. The blush going across his face showed was also an indication that he was getting aroused inside his head.
Josuke felt like vomiting up the bits of his bread at the thought of Okuyasu genuinely hooking up with a woman thrice his age. He always suspected his best friend had a fetish for older women since he only complimented ladies his mother's age and sent him photos of women in their thirties and up from dating profiles into the group chat on Joscord.
Josuke and Koichi always left those unsettling messages on read and changed the topic, but there was no running now.
Josuke took a large swallow from his bread and took one more glance at the bright, cracked PSP screen Okuyasu was shoving into his face. He knew he's seen enough as soon as the text messages turned risqué and he saw the word "mommy" in there.
He choked up on his bread and it accidentally went flying out of his mouth and landed onto the ground. Josuke didn't condone littering the planet, so he picked up his soggy bread piece and tossed it into a nearby trashcan.
"Holy crap. Are you okay, man?"
"O-Okuyasu. I don't know how to tell you this, but..." Josuke randomly leaned back into a Michael Jackson stance, pointing at his brother-from-another-mother with a finger from the hip freshly. "I think you're being catfished."
"H-Huh?! There's no way I'm being catfried! You're just jealous, Josuke!"
"I'm serious. Don't you think the situation is sorta unrealistic?"
"That's enough! If you aren't gonna support Leslie's and I's relationship, then don't talk about us at all!"
Leslie wasn't even a Japanese name. Josuke was internally shaking his head in disappointment.
"Alright, let's bet money on it," Josuke cockily, his blue pupils turning into green dollar signs that were as bright as his greed. "How about 5545 yen?"
He knew his friend didn't have lots of cash lying around, so he'll have to set the bargain low.
"Fine! I'll ask Leslie to meet up with me tomorrow and I'll prove to your face that she's real!" Okuyasu agreed, riled up enough to agree to such a stupid thing without thinking twice about if he had the money to begin with. He just knew he wanted to prove his girlfriend was as real as his love for her.
And so... the bet was on!
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『 1 HR LATER, START OF CLASS: 』
Like a good little boy who goes to church every Sundae, Koichi was already in his homeroom seat at Bel-Air Academy at 7:45AM sharp, fifteen whole minutes before school even started. But as usual, his misbehaving (slightly delinquent) BFFs were nowhere in sight, and probably wouldn't be until 7:59 and some odd seconds. Sighing, Koichi rolled his big anime eyeballs and put his schoolbag down on the floor next to his desk.
He looked to the rest of the class boredly, his legs dangling off his chair. Everyone else was chatting with their friends, or eating a late and rushed breakfast. Suspiciously, though, there was a kid in the corner desk tapping away at...an old PSP? Koichi squinted. What would anyone even be doing on that outdated thing when the hip new PS Vita had just came out?
Said boy was one of his classmates, but since this was a brand new school and class hasn't even started yet, Koichi didn't know his name yet. He had a Cheetos-colored orange headband put on haphazardly around his messy black hair, and bright purple eyes. The way he was sitting was also strange, with his legs scrunched up in his chair and the PSP balanced on them.
Koichi hadn't realized he'd been staring until 2 familiar hands were gently placed on his shoulders, making him yelp and jump out of his stupor.
"-Koichi-kun, ohayo gozaimasu~" The face next to him was the beautiful, sweet face of his girlfriend, Yukako Yamagishi.
"O-Ohayo, Yukako-san," Koichi said, quickly shaking his head and smiling back at her. He didn't want to be reprimanded for rudely staring across the room at someone he didn't even know, after all. That was embarrassing for a student council member like him! He turned back to look at Yukako—who had managed to claim the desk behind him before anyone else—brushing off the odd boy.
"I'm glad we have homeroom together, Koichi-kun," said Yukako, setting her things down and twirling a bit of her hair. She was getting out something that was wrapped up in cloth as she continued, "You're always here at school so early like a diligent student... I really admire that! But surely you don't have time to eat a proper breakfast, do you, Koichi-kun?"
He pondered that for a moment, then blinked at her and shook his head. "No, I guess I don't really eat that much at all before school, now that I think about it. Lunch is kind of early, so-"
"-Don't talk that way! It's important to have enough energy! Changing schools is a fresh start, so I thought I'd make breakfast for us to share every morning." When Yukako moved her hands away, two freshly made melonpan buns were under the wrapped up cloth [A/N melonpan (メロンパン meronpan) (also known as melon pan, melon bun or melon bread) is a type of sweet bun from Japan, that is also popular in Taiwan, China and Latin America. They are made from an enriched dough covered in a thin layer of crisp cookie dough. Their appearance resembles a melon, such as a rock melon (cantaloupe). They are not traditionally melon flavored, but in recent times it has become popular for manufacturers to add melon to melon bread. Variations exist, including some with a few chocolate chips between the cookie layer and the enriched dough layer, and non-melon versions flavored with caramel, maple syrup, chocolate, or other flavors, sometimes with syrup, whipped or flavored cream, or custard as a filling. In the case of such variations, the name may drop the word "melon" ("maple pan") or may keep it despite the lack of melon flavor ("chocolate melon pan")].
In any case, Koichi watched as his gf cutely brought one of the rolls up to his lips for him to bite. "Koichi-kun, say 'aahh'," Yukako encouraged, smiling maybe a little bit too brightly? He went to eat it when suddenly-
the classroom door burst open right at 7:59 like Koichi predicted, and Josuke and Okuyasu sprinting inside. They were panting havily like they had just run a marathon (which was sort of true since they had wasted most of their time talking and hadn't realized how late it had gotten). Thankfully their sensei didnt mark tardies until the bell fully rang!
Only .3 sec later did the bell actually ring, with Okuyasu and Josuke scrambling like eggs to find desks that were conveniently open right near Koichi's.
Koichi turned around after thanking Yukako, the melonpan still in his hands, and looked at Josuke in front of him with a concerned look. He also raised his eyebrows real high. "J-Josuke-kun, is everything alright today?" he whispered, careful not to get the attention of the Sensei.
" * gasp * it's— y-you won't *GASP* believe what Okuyasu's gotten himself into— *BREATH E *" said JoJo panting even though he was unrealistically muscular for a teenage boy of 16 (15?) y/o. He looked like he was tryna hold in a laugh, which made Koichi's brows rise so high they almost flew off his forehead.
Then he turned to look at Okuyattá, whose desk was to his right. Koichi narrowed his eyes. Then he saw that okuyasu was..holding a PSP? Just like that boy from earlier? How strange, since you normally wouldnt see people with those. "What? Josuke's just jealous that—"
"—KAKAK KAK KAK KAK KAK!"
(TRANSLATION: "YOU, WHAT WAS THAT? YOU'RE TALKING IN CLASS?!")
Koichi and Co. GASPED so loudly that their souls almost left their bodies like the Jojo gag where all the dead characters's souls exit and go to heaven. The Sensei had yelled at them very loud, and he had thought he was talking to him! "U-Uh, S-Sensei! I-I—!"
The teacher, whom had the nametag saying 'Petto Shoppu' (A/N dio's bird uwu) on his desk, flapped his wings all around making feathers fly all over the floor.
All the students were SILENT.
Koichi gulped thiccly as he thought the sensei was speaking with him, and was prepared to explain himself when...
He saw that Littlest Pet Shop-sensei was pointing his talons at..the mysterious and ghetto looking kid with the PSP from earlier!
"KAK KA K KAKAKAKAK!"
(TRANSLATION: WOULD YOU LIKE THE TELL THE CLASS WHAT YOU'RE LISTENING TO?")
Everyone starred at the boy, who had massive JoBeats by Dr. Joe headphones on. Anyone with ears that functioned properly could hear the song Runnin' by 2pac ft Biggie blasting LOUDLY from his headset.
And I wonder if they'll laugh when I'm dead?
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?
Finally the boy realized every1 was lookin at him and blinked. He took one headphone off his ear. "Häh?" He said, and now the exposed music was blasting louder, making everyone's ears bleed to die.
Check it, I grew up a fuckin' screw-up
Got introduced to the game, got a ounce and fuckin' blew up
Choppin' rocks overnight
The n* * * * Biggie Smalls trying to turn into the black Frank White
We had to grow dreads to change our description
Two cops is on the milk box missing
Show they toes you know they got stepped on
A fist full of bullets a chest full of Teflon
Run from the police picture that, n* * * * I'm too fat
I fuck around and catch a asthma attack
At this point, Pet Shop was SCREECHING and going into a eagle (falcon) dive straight for el headphones! He swooped down like a flying squirrel and SNATCHED the JoBeats, making the boy McShocked. "HEY!" He yelled back in his italian gangstar accént.
" KAKAKAKAAK KAK AK"
(TRANSLATION YOULL GET THIS AFTER CLASS, DEGENERATE! NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"
The boy grumpily got up from his seat and gave the teach evil eyes. "My name is... Narancia Ghirga, and I have a dre— Wait, wrong character.." *clears throat* "Il mio nome è Narancia Ghirga, e sono un secondo anno in HS! E-"
The bell rang again to end class, relieving Narnia of this misery, even though class had JUST started. Koichi continued to eye this kid from the corner of his eye, watching as he suspiciously started up his PSP just as Okuyasu rebooted his...
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『 SCHOOL BELL: リング! (RINGÚ!) 』
Everybody huddled into the cafeteria, hungry as ever to eat the shitty cafeteria food. Some of the students ended up bringing their own lunches from home in old-fashioned bento boxes, but there was one squad who took up another level.
Bucci Gang all sat at their own table with a white, fancy table cloth and silver utensils. Instead of eating what the school supplied them, or rice and sausage like ordinary students had for lunch, the Italian gangsters decided to keep it traditional by eating the most Italian restaurant food they had.
On their table was stereotypical Italian meals such as cheese and pastā from Olive Garden and Panera Bread. Everyone in the cafeteria looked at them in shockú, mouths watering because they wanted a taste of those 5-star dishes instead of the weird ass Mystery Meat the lunch lady just served everyone.
"You've been on that thing since homeroom," Fugo said to Narancia who was still fiddling with his outdated PSP, legs up to his chest as if he was a gremlin instead of sitting formally like the rest of them.
Narancia ignored Fugo because he was too concentrated on whatever questionable shit he was doing on his PSP. However, this made Fuego's hotheaded self boil with anger.
"HEY, SHITHEAD! I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Fugo yelled all of a sudden in Hulk-like rage, standing up in his seat as he went to stab Narnia in the eye with his silver fork.
However, Bruno smoothly caught Fugo's flimsy wrist before he could assault Narancia for the tenth time this week. The tablecloth he brought to school was white and it would be a bitch for him to have to wash out any additional red.
"Now, now. Let's not bring any unnecessary attention to ourselves," said Bruno, acting like the mama koala bear he was and looked. He was also their class president, so he had to make sure everyone was being peaceful or else he'll lose his Good Noodles stars.
Fugo reluctantly sat back down in his seat and continued to eat his pannacotta grumpily. Abbacchio, who was unfazed by the entire shenanigans, took a long sip from his drink that had "grape juice" labelled on it in italic Arial font, but was actually red wine.
He always needed to drink to get through the day with these idiots he called 'friends'. Narancia LOUDLY bursted out into obnoxious laughter over Fugo being put in his place while pointing at him, tears pricking up in his round eyes. It wasn't even that funny, but he started to slap his own thigh like it was.
". . ." Fugo said, as a『MENACING』black and deadly shadow draped over his eyes. He was about to snap.
Meanwhile, Abracadabra grumbled some swearwords and pulled out his expensive 2,191,900.00 yen ear plugs before putting them in to drown out Narnia's childish, ear-bleed inducing laughter. Everyone else at the table continued to mind their own business.
Giorno was eating his octopus salad with the legs still moving inside the bowl and Bruno was digging in on his grilled scallops. Abbacchio's only meal was different kind of wine throughout the day.
"NE, NE MISTA!" Naruncia said in a booming voice like Mista wasn't sitting right beside him (A/N: Poor Mista's ears). He turned to Mista all too quickly, causing him to accidentally knock over his own carton of OJ with his elbow, but Narnia didn't even notice because he was too excited to show Mista something on his PSP.
"Haha, look at this sucker I'm catfishing!" Narnancia said, shoving his bright ass PSP into Mista's face.
Mista's face remained straight because he didn't care. He continued to calmly slice up baloney for his six children, cutting them into Lunchables-sized bites. He took out his purple-durple pistol in plain sight since public schools did nothing to ensure safety and unloaded his gun, letting Sex Pistols free.
"Okay, children. Papa has food for you," Mista said with a warm smile, laying out the baloney for his little ones.
"Eatadakimasu!" said the Numbers in unsion, before digging into the quality meat. Since his children were being fed, Mista finally unwinded and took a sip from his hot, steaming tea he made in the teacher's lounge room.
"HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Narancia continued to scream for no reason, loud and annoying like many of the kids you'll encounter at any school.
"I think you should be paying attention to something else," Mista stated while he shredded some cheese over his trippa with the cheese grater.
* MUNCH, MUNCH *
"Háh?" Narnia said, whipping his head back around to see...A BLACK AND WHITE DOG EATING HIS MARGHERITA PIZZA TOPPED WITH MUSHROOMS!
"What the fuck?! Get away from my pizza, you mutt!" he yelled. The dog had on a collar made from real diamonds with two tags that said "Pimp" and "Iggy" and on it, but... He also had on a school name tag for Bel-Air High students?! Iggy looked up at Narancia with a bothered expression like the ghetto-bandana wearing boy had no right disturbing him.
Then, all of a sudden he smirked at Narancia and hopped down to the ground, running away with his expensive pizza in his mouth. Like the dumbass he was, Narancia started to run after Iggy with his PSP in his hand.
"HEY, GET *PANT* BACK HERE! *PANT* *PANT*"
Fuck! He shouldn't have skipped gym all those times in middle school because he thought exercise was uncool! He was so focused on getting his margherita pizza back that he didn't notice he was about to run straight into two tall men! THUNK. When their foreheads collided, it sounded like two coconuts hitting together. Narancia's body fell to the ground harshly, scraping up his elbow and so did the other's. Both of their shitty PSPs flew out of their hands.
"Itai, itai," The boy said in pain, holding his head. He opened his eyes and saw a dark-skinned dude with a dumbfounded look on his face, two weird creases going down his face like he was in a freak accident. Beside him was an Elvis Presley cosplayer looking down at them both in concern.
Then, he remembered that Iggy was getting away with his pizza!
"Gomenasorry. Are you okay?" said the dopey looking one, holding a hand out to help Narancia back up on his feet.
"IDIOT! Watch where you're going!" He responded and leaned down to pick up his PSP, before running down the direction he assumed Iggy must've turned.
"What a brat!" exclaimed Okuyasu, leaning down to pick up his own PSP. It was hard for Josuke to tell if the console was even more damaged from the collision or just the same since it was already badly fucked up.
"He looks like a freshman. Just let it go," Josuke said, holding up a mirror to his face as he smoothed his pompadour back with an ungodly amount of hair gel slapped onto his hand. He needed to tend to his hair every 2 hours, or else it'll start to puff up into a ridiculous afro.
Once he was done, he slid combat mirror into the pocket of his dark-blue jacket. The school uniform wasn't even of Bel-Air High School, but it looked so fresh on him that he wore it anyway.
"You know what's weird is that you both have the same PSP," Josuke thought out loud.
"Huh? Really? That's strange," said Okuyasu, looking up at the sky in thought like he was thinking hard about something hard when in reality he didn't have the brain to connect the dots.
To further this point, Okuyasu quickly got distracted by a drifting cloud that was shaped like a chicken hamburger in his eyes. Suddenly, he was even hungrier for White Castle. Josuke and him always walked there for lunch time.
"What were we talking about again?" asked Okuyasu stupidly which Josuke shook his head to.
"Nevermind that. Let's hurry and find Shigechi before lunch is over," Josuke sighed, his stomach grumbling for a Double-ú Cheeseú Slider. In actuality, he wasn't sure if he had enough yen left for food since he spent most of his savings on his JoApple Airpods.
"Oh, yeah! Where is Shigechi, though?"
[The camera pans away for 50 seconds until they focus on a little, round monster underneath the school bleachers.]
It was Shigechi collecting change that fell out of people's pockets with Harvest. In between his legs, was a large mountain of coins and dollar bills the size of Mount Everest. Shigechi giggled to himself cutely, baby snot drooping down one nostril like a kindergartener. Finally, he would have enough yen to buy the whole menu from White Castle and force Josuke and Okuyasu to beg to him for food.
Shigechi got a little excited from the thought of putting his two best friends at his mercy and stuffed all of his fat loot inside the pants of his green middle-schooler uniform which gave him the illusion that he had a fat ass. He then ran to find his friends a.k.a soon-to-be-slaves!
"Huh? Where did my wallet go?" said a tall, beautiful man with french-fry blonde, loosely combed hair. He was sitting on the bleachers, feeling the pocket to his white office suit and dark tie. On his suit was a column of skull emblems, shaped like the skull emoji in the JoPhone iOS.
PUFF * went his pocket. There was nothing there.
『 TO BE CONTINUED 』