June 2018

I didn't quite remember what happened after. I could if I actively tried to, but there was no point. I knew the first few days spending time with Josh were days I would never forget. He'd opened up a brand new world, opened up my eyes to things I didn't even know existed. It was a match made in heaven if only the situation was different.

"I'm just going to be straight up with you. After I leave Roseville, I wouldn't be keeping in touch." Josh said.

I didn't think I saw it coming. After all the time we'd been spending together, I thought things would end differently. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't daydreamt about us being together. And not just together like what we already were, but together, officially. It was true that it was supposed to be just a hook-up or a one night stand. But one night stands were what they were – just for one night. They didn't cuddle for hours, stay up all night talking, spend time together in bed for days…

"Why?" I asked, trying to hide the dismay in my voice. No one could blame me if I wanted to protect my ego by pretending that he didn't just drive a knife into my heart.

"It doesn't make sense to," he said. "I don't live here, and after this we will go back to what it was before."

I began to question myself whether or not I should've seen it coming. I didn't say anything about wanting a serious relationship. It was somehow implied that what we were doing was just a fling. But deep down inside, I felt cheated and betrayed. Maybe, deceived. I knew he was just visiting Roseville and that he had to leave some time but him telling me that he wasn't going to keep in touch crushed me. Worse part was, I had to hide it from him at the moment.

"But why cut all ties? Why not keep in touch?"

He sighed. "Because there's no point in doing so. Long distance doesn't work. I've been there."

"Tell me."

"I came to Roseville to try to patch things up with a girl. We've long been broken up but I took a shot."

Of course there was another girl. There's always another girl. This one I should've seen coming. I'd always catch him checking his phone every now and then, like waiting for someone to call or message, while I wasn't looking. It was a possibility that he wasn't single even though we'd clarified that from the beginning. But my gut feeling told me, he wasn't lying about being single. My gut feeling never betrayed me. Although it had whispered to me that there was someone else, I squashed it down and convinced myself it wasn't true. Again, my gut feeling never lied. She was the only one reliable in this world full of deception.

"Okay." I said, trying to make sense of what was laid out in front of me while hiding my devastation.

"That's all I'm willing to share. It didn't work out with her."

So that was why he spent all this time with me – because there was no one else to be with. My brain's defense mechanism was to ignore it. My brain still hadn't produced antibodies to this kind of disease. So like a plague, it spread.

I wasn't sure how to begin from there. I was fine with the idea of not knowing where things were headed but not when I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Most especially not fine with the idea that I was just a substitute.

I remembered when I thought it was my last time talking to Josh in Roseville. I had to leave because I had a major exam the following day and I'd studied basically nothing for it. He only had a few days in Roseville. We were in his hotel room. I'd just booked a car and he had jazz music on. He wanted us to dance together. I thought it was some lame attempt he was doing out of pity. Somehow, every twist and turn wasn't the same as before anymore. It pained me looking him in the eye knowing that he was just settling with me. It also pained me that I didn't have the courage to tell him off and walk out the minute he made the revelation.

I stood on my toes to reach out for his kiss. It was physically the same kiss – the same kiss he'd been given me all along – firm and hungry – yet I didn't feel the same. All I could feel and taste were his bitter deception, yet I didn't want it to end. I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. I just didn't understand why it had to end. I felt good in his arms. I'd grown accustomed to his smell and presence.

Then my phone beeped, telling me my driver was arriving. Why do they arrive so quick in times like this?

"Do you want to walk me down?" I asked.

"No, it's better that our goodbyes are said here."

=.=.=.=.=.=

I just cried that night and skipped my major exam. It was probably the stupidest thing I'd done next to thinking that Josh and I could actually be together. I wasn't myself, I was aware of it but I couldn't help it. I wasn't sure how long it was until I got a message from him asking me if I wanted to see a movie. I was stupid, of course I said yes.

The stupidest thing I'd done by then was agreeing to see a movie with him after crying myself out feeling hopeless. I didn't know why I did it, I guessed I was incredibly foolish. I didn't know how to react with him sitting next to me in the movies. I was really cold and wanted to cling on to him but he wasn't wrapping his arms around me like before. He was sucked in by the movie, as always. It didn't help that it was a thriller movie. It took me several times of keeping myself warm by rubbing my arms to make him offer his body to keep me warm. Not that I was giving him a hint to embrace me, I was just really cold. It didn't feel good either that he just felt forced to offer his arms.

We thought that the movie was really good. We talked about how unique the plot was and whether or not there'd be a sequel. It was fine until he checked the time with his phone and realized he had to go. To be honest, I thought we'd still have dinner together but I was stupid! Who could blame me for thinking such foolish things?

"Hey, thanks for coming out here to see the movie with me." He said.

I just didn't understand why he couldn't just watch the movie with this other girl when clearly he was rushing out of the theaters, leaving me, to see her.

"Yeah, sure." I said, swallowing a lump down my throat – still processing, once again – whatever the fuck was happening. Why did I even agree coming here?

I didn't feel like I wasn't stupid enough so I let him borrow my umbrella because it was raining and he'd said he had to go immediately.

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