Vicci sat on the couch in her quarters. Of course, now that she was alone, the tears had stopped. Now she just felt…

I don't even know how I feel. I don't know anything anymore.

She had an outpost to start in Kadara. She knew that much.

"Fuck."

I'm a fucking mess.

Everything was a fucking mess now.

She had to decide who she could handle a ride with. It wasn't easy - she was tempted to go alone.

"Vetra. Drack. Get ready to go. We've got a flag to plant."

The drive was predictably awkward, the whole event just depressing. Self-loathing roiled inside Vicci's guts as she mumbled her way through some pseudo-inspirational bullshit for the good people of the Initiative. This outpost was a big deal. She should be celebrating. But she had ruined it. Especially for herself.

"Feel free to enjoy everything Kadara Port has to offer," she said, mustering false enthusiasm for the sake of the squad. "It's a good day to be us."

Vetra sounded hesitant. "Are you joining us?"

She laughed humorlessly. "Nah, I think I could use a quiet night in."

"Yeah, because you haven't had one of those recently," Drack said dryly.

She just let it go.

Back on the ship, she sat down at her desk and opened another message to Scott.

"Little brother,"

She stared at the keyboard.

Waited.

She stood up and walked to the bridge.

"Hey Kallo, let's head to the Nexus first thing in the morning, okay?"

"Is everything alright, Ryder?"

"Yeah, we're fine. I just need to see my brother."

Scott looked exactly as he had when last she saw him. She wondered who was shaving his face and buzzing his hair. She was glad of it; he would wake up and feel like he was still the same person. That was important.

And then I have to tell him that Dad's dead.

It would be hard on him. He respected their father, didn't resent him the way she did. Probably because he had inherited Dad's discipline, his leadership skills.

"Scott," she said, and the tears came. She let them come. "Remember when I got kicked off the hockey team? How the fuck did I end up being Pathfinder? I'm fucking everything up so bad, I don't even know what to do anymore. First I thought Dad was wrong for working so much and I'm allowed to have a life of my own, so I tried to have a life of my own. Then I thought that Dad was wrong for trying to do the job and have a family, so I dumped Reyes - in an email, like an asshole. But then I was miserable and shitty to everyone and probably shitty at the job anyhow! So now half the people in my life are mad at me and I'm miserable and I don't know what to do!"

Vicci covered her face with her hands and leaned over, her elbows resting on her knees. Her shoulders shook with the force of her quiet sobs. She cried until she had nothing left, til her throat hurt and her nose was running.

Just then, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Peeking up from her hands, she saw Harry standing in front of her, offering a handful of tissues.

She sighed. Harry. She liked Harry. He made her feel comfortable. He had this casually dismissive "Oh please, I'm a doctor" attitude that made him impervious to embarrassment. She cleaned her face. "Thank you, Harry."

"Come sit with me. I have some strictly medicinal liquor in my desk. You look like you could use a bit."

The liquor turned out to be some very mild, slightly sweet thing that Vicci resisted the urge to down in one gulp.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, kid, but your voice carries. Why'd you get kicked off the hockey team?"

Her cheeks burned, and she couldn't meet his eyes. "I got in a shouting match with one of my teammates. We lost pretty hard, and we disagreed about what went wrong." She took a deep breath. "There may have been some shoving involved."

"You know, being an emotional person isn't necessarily a bad thing. It was one of the things your father loved most about you."

"What?"

"He admired your passion. He said you always did what felt right to you without overthinking it." He filled her glass. "What feels right to you in all this?"

She snorted. "Well it sure as hell isn't being Pathfinder."

"Says who?" he asked, looking her straight in the eyes.

"What?"

He leaned across his desk. "Who, besides you, thinks you're a shitty Pathfinder?"

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Lexi had questioned her fitness for duty… but only after she'd fucked things up with Reyes and started acting like a sulky child. In fact, the only person who had ever seemed critical was Cora, and she had flipped that script later that same night.

"I… nobody, I guess."

"Then get out of your head and trust your gut."

When she was cleaned up and presentable, she opened the shipwide com channel to everyone on the crew. "Drinks at Vortex tonight. I'd like to see everyone there… so I'm buying."

The crew rewarded her with a staggered chorus of cheers and assent.

In the meantime, she always had business on the Nexus. Fortunately, none of it involved Tann and was therefore reasonably tolerable. Vicci paid attention to the way people talked to her, the way they treated her.

They respected her. Not just the role, but her.

So what feels right to me?

Clearing the air with her crew was a good start. It felt good, having everyone together without some heavy shit behind it.

She stood. "Look, I know I've been a righteous pain in the ass lately."

"Here here," Drack growled.

She glared at him, but she was grinning. "I just want to say that I'm sorry, and thank you all for putting up with my shit. So," she raised her glass, "here's to you." There was clinking of glasses and good-natured teasing.

Gil looked at her pointedly. "Does this mean you got laid again?"

She flushed. "I did not, in fact, get laid again, thank you for asking. And as far as I know, none of you have gotten laid recently, so I assume you're all just jealous."

Aside from Cora, their laughter seemed genuine. Once everyone was absorbed in their own conversations - or dancing, in the case of Liam, Gil, and Suvi - Vicci pulled her aside. "Cora, I know things haven't always been great between us, but -"

Cora shook her head. "No, they haven't, and that's on me. It was hard for me to accept - training to be Pathfinder and then getting passed over for the job. But I meant what I said the other night. Your dad made the right call."

"I appreciate that, Cora. I really do."

More than you might ever know.

So they drank, and they relaxed, and the next day they took a trip to a terrifying death desert, and the whole time, Vicci thought long and hard about what Harry had said.

The krogan colony impressed her, and that feeling was clearly not mutual. The squad kept uncharacteristically quiet as they made their way down to the depths.

"Is this - you know - a trap?" Liam whispered.

Vetra kept her voice low. "Nah, probably not. If the Pathfinder disappeared inside New Tuchanka, the Nexus would have to send the militia in. The krogan wouldn't want that."

She wasn't so sure that the entirety of the Nexus forces posed much of a threat to the krogan at this point, but she didn't say so.

They made brief contact with Brenk before the woman herself interrupted.

"Hey! Nexus! I'm the one you talk to around here."

So she did.

And the day got really wild from there.

On their return to the Tempest, Liam spoke.

"You okay, Ryder? Awfully quiet for the day we've had."

"Are you kidding? I'm freaking exhausted." She was, too. That trip into the Remnant derelict wore her out. But she was deep in thought.

She said "Hey! Nexus!" I speak for the whole Initiative. That's what I did with the angara, and I crushed it.

I got this. I brokered peace with a native species. I think I can fix shit with the krogan too, if it can be fixed.

She wondered briefly if a Pathfinder could be fired. If they thought she was fucking it up, could they take it away?

Would she even let them?

Hell no.

She chuckled. Even at her worst moments when she 100% didn't want to be Pathfinder, she'd never willingly give it up. Her ego wouldn't allow it.

But...she was good at it. And not because she did what she thought her Dad would do, or what the Nexus wanted her to do.

Because she did what felt right.