DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING ACCORDING TO DR QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN OR TROY. JUST A FAN, SHARING FAN FICTION STORIES.

Reason for Living
dqtroy

Sully descending the stairs and headed quietly to the kitchen, where he saw Brian seated by the fireplace.

"Hey Brian," he said. "What are you doing down here?"

"Just thinking," Brian turned to face the older man.

"Yeah," Sully said. "'Bout what?"

"Sometimes…I get sad. I was wondering…what if-"

"What if you get sad like Horace?" Sully knew.

Brian nodded.

"Yeah. Can that happen to anyone?"

Sully let out a deep breath and sat beside his son.

"People have all kinds of feelings. Feeling sad is alright."

"Did you ever feel like that?" Brian wondered.

"Well, I've been real sad and I've been real angry. I know sometimes, I haven't appreciated the gift of being alive."

"But you never tried to kill yourself?"

Sully fell silent.

Brian's brow wrinkled in uncertainty.

"Did you, Sully?" He asked.

Sully took in a deep breath. He had never lied to his children and he didn't want to now.

"Brian," he leaned forward. "I never tried to in the way Horace did but…I didn't necessarily want to live."

Brian tilted his head to the side.

"When?"

"After Abagail died," he said. "I went to the army… not with the intention to fight."

"Did you try to kill yourself?" Brian inquired, with a shaky voice.

"I wanted to lose myself in the war, Brian. I was hoping that I'd…I thought maybe I'd be killed, that way it wouldn't be my fault," Sully swallowed hard.

Brian fell silent and look downward.

"Why?" He finally spoke.

Sully inhaled deeply.

"Brian," he cleared his throat. "Sometimes when people get…hurt and upset they don't know how to deal with it."

"Like Horace?" The boy thought.

Sully nodded.

"And when they can't find anything good they sometimes…give up."

"Is that what you wanted to do?"

Sully remained silent for a moment.

"Yes," he replied. "I didn't see any reason for living until," he paused.

Brian waited for an answer. But when there was none, he spoke.

"Cloud Dancing?" He recalled hearing that the Cheyenne took Sully in after his wife died and he left the army.

Sully glanced at Brian.

"He's my brother," he said. "I owe him…the Cheyenne my life but I still didn't want to live. I wasn't grateful that they found me."

Brian kept quiet as Sully spoke.

"Then I met Michaela," he went on. "I would've left Colorado Springs. I don't know where I would of gone or what would happen to me."

"So you…stayed for Ma?" Brian asked.

"Not her alone," Sully replied. "I stayed for you too. Matthew and Colleen."

Brian smiled at the words.

"So if you didn't meet us," he said. "You would have…" Brian almost didn't want to say it, but he knew it was the truth. "You would have killed yourself?"

Sully lowered his head.

"Yes," he glanced upward.

Brian swallowed hard, attempting to hold back the emotion he felt rising within him.

Sully put a hand on the boy's shoulder and Brian embraced him, he felt him tremble a bit. Rubbing his back, Sully spoke in a low voice.

"Thank you, Brian."

Brian looked at him with questioning eyes.

"For being my reason to live," Sully stroked his hair.

"Thank you, Sully," Brian hugged him once more.

"For what?" Sully frowned.

Brian didn't move and if he wasn't against Sully's chest, he might not have been heard.

"For being my Pa."

Sully felt his eyes moisten at the words. He truly was blessed with such a family. Part of him couldn't believe how his life was ten years ago compared to now. Nevertheless, he was beyond grateful. He was undeserving of their love and still, he received it, unconditionally.

Sully closed his eyes as he held on tighter to his son. Yes, he had gained his long-awaited family. Sully finally had a reason to live.

THE END