Skin Deep

Poison Ivy smiled to herself as she removed her goggles, looking with pride at her latest plant creation. "You're beautiful, baby," she whispered, running her hand along the vine, which, thanks to her newly invented serum, had turned from a scrawny and thin weed into a thick and hardy piece of vegetation. "Of course in your case, it's not the outside that counts. But with human beings, that's a different story, isn't it? They're all just superficial, so you should only use them for superficial purposes. And with Valentine's Day coming up, I'm just not willing to take any chances."

There was a knock on her door, and Ivy sighed, removing her gloves. "Just a second!" she called, heading toward the door. She opened it to reveal her best friend, Harley Quinn.

"Harley, did Joker kick you out again?" Ivy asked. "That's typical of him, actually – kick you out the day before so he doesn't have to make any effort for Valentine's Day…"

"No, Red, it's Galentine's Day!" exclaimed Harley. "Remember, the day before Valentine's Day when you hang out with your gals? I mentioned it to you last week by saying we should all hang out at yours today, and you were all for it."

"Oh…yeah, I think I just got distracted by work and kinda forgot," said Ivy. "But you know I'll always be in favor of women supporting women. Come on in," she said, holding open the door.

"I brought champagne," said Harley, holding up a bottle. "I had to steal it away from Mr. J – he's forbidden me from drinking alcohol, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Wow, going behind J's back like that – I'm kinda surprised you have the guts," said Ivy, impressed.

"Well, geez, Red, I don't live in fear of him!" laughed Harley. "Frankly, if he found out I was stealing alcohol, he'd probably beat me, and then I'd beat him, and we'd end up fighting, and finishing with hot and heavy makeup sex, which I'm always up for."

"Whatever will get you in the mood on Valentine's Day, I guess," sighed Ivy. "Just as long as I don't have to hear about it."

"What about you and Harvey?" asked Harley. "Do you have plans for Valentine's Day?"

"He's actually not around," said Ivy. "You remember last year I got really upset that he didn't make any plans?"

"Yeah, you ended up destroying a large portion of Gotham with your killer plants, and then dragged me and Selina to an island with only women," said Harley, nodding. "Who then tried to kill us and the guys when they came to rescue us. But all's well that ends well, and me and Mr. J got to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, so I guess you could say it ended really well."

"Yes, well, Harvey decided it would make things less complicated this year if he was out of town," said Ivy. "He's gone to South America to be alone this Valentine's Day. Not that he's ever alone when he has two personalities – I'm sure he'll be able to keep himself company somehow."

"Gee, Red, you're taking this well," said Harley. "Which is surprising considering how badly you took things last year."

"Well, a smart, sophisticated, independent woman should never get hung up on some guy," said Ivy. "So I'm not. A smart, sophisticated, independent woman just goes out and finds someone else."

"So you're just gonna go to some bar and pick up a randomer on Valentine's Day?" asked Harley. "I dunno, Red – that sounds kinda risky to me, especially in Gotham. There are a lotta weirdos here, in case you hadn't noticed."

"I had noticed," retorted Ivy. "But don't worry, Harley, I can take care of myself. And I'm not gonna be too picky. It really doesn't matter if the guy has the personality of a brick - I'm not looking for a long term relationship, just a good physical encounter."

"But Red, you can't tell by looking at someone if they're gonna be good in bed," said Harley. "Except Mr. J, of course. It's obvious from looking at him that he's crazy good, but not everyone is as transparent as he is."

"O…K…" said Ivy, slowly. "Anyway, I don't intend to leave it to chance, Harley. If he's a nice-looking guy, it doesn't really matter how skilled he is as long as he has the right-sized equipment. I can take charge of things as long as he has that, and bring them to a satisfactory conclusion."

"But that's what I'm saying, Red – you can't always tell by looking," said Harley. "Again, except for Mr. J. You can see how substantial he is if you stare at the bulge in his pants as long as I have."

"Or you can not leave these things to chance," said Ivy, hastily. "You can change them with science," she said, holding up the syringe containing the serum she had just tested on the plant.

"What's that?" asked Harley.

"It's something I've invented to make things grow a little," said Ivy. "So even if a guy is lacking in size, I can help him out by injecting him with this."

"Geez, Red, I dunno how your sexual encounters go, but I can't imagine getting down to business with a guy, and then asking him if he wouldn't mind being injected with something to make him bigger," said Harley. "You talk about awkward."

"There are subtle ways of doing these things, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Anyway, enough about that – is Selina coming?" she asked, glancing at her watch.

"She's probably being fashionably late, as usual," said Harley.

"Well, no reason not to let the champagne breathe," said Ivy, heading into the kitchen and taking out some glasses. "Dare I ask if you and J have plans for Valentine's Day without you giving me too many details?" she asked, handing Harley a glass and pouring the champagne.

"I think we're just gonna have a romantic night in, just the two of us," said Harley. "Mr. J mentioned something about a bearskin rug in front of a fire. Or he coulda said Batskin rug, and I heard bear," she added, frowning. "But I'm hoping this year he manages to ignore the Bat and focus on me. He promised me he would, but you know Mr. J and his promises."

"Yes, I do," sighed Ivy.

"I just wish there was something I could do to make him more interested," said Harley. "But I can't change who I am…"

"Nor should you," interrupted Ivy. "If J can't appreciate what he's got, you shouldn't go changing for him. You should never change yourself for some man. You're perfect just as you are, and if he doesn't see that, you're better off without him."

"Thanks, Red," said Harley, smiling at her. "I really appreciate your self-esteem boosts. But I do wanna do something special for him this Valentine's Day. Nothing makes me happier than seeing his smiling face smiling because of me. That's the sight that makes my life worth living."

"Harley, please don't make me sick," said Ivy.

"I'm not trying to," said Harley. "I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. He's so perfect, which is why I'm so in love with him, and I just wish I could make myself more perfect, so that he might be more in love with me."

She drained the champagne glass. "I thought about getting a boob job," she said suddenly.

"What?" demanded Ivy. "Why would you do that?"

Harley shrugged. "I've always been a little dissatisfied with 'em, and Mr. J's made jokes about 'em being too small before, and I just thought he might prefer me if I had a little more meat on me…"

"Harley, that's ridiculous," interrupted Ivy. "If you want to do that for yourself to help your own body image, I support you, but if you're changing your body to please some man, it's just wrong. Anyway, you should be happy with your body as it is – so what if other women have bigger boobs? I do, and let me tell you, they're a pain in the ass. You're lucky you've got what you've got, your body is perfect just the way it is, and you shouldn't consider changing it for anyone but yourself ever again. But if you wanna do something nice for J, why don't you surprise him naked on that bearskin rug tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I could do that," agreed Harley, nodding as Ivy poured her another glass of champagne. "As long as it ain't a Batskin rug in the end. That would be creepy on a few levels."

"Tell me about it," sighed Ivy. The doorbell rang, and Ivy went to answer it. "I bet that's Selina – get ready to hear about her exciting plans with Batman tomorrow."

"Assuming he survives his battle with Mr. J tonight," said Harley, smiling. Her smile fell as Ivy left, and she downed another glass of champagne. Harley did have a small, gymnast body, and as such, alcohol affected her more than an average sized person. And strange, often stupid ideas, seized upon her when she drank, which was one of the reasons the Joker had forbidden her from doing so. She had only had two glasses of champagne, but she had drunk them in quick succession with little to eat beforehand, and as her eyes fell on the syringe Ivy had left, a strange, stupid idea suddenly seized her. As much as she hated shots, she grabbed the syringe, took a deep breath, and suddenly injected it into her breast.

"Ow!" she exclaimed, looking down and frowning. Nothing appeared to have changed. She injected the other one with another cry of pain, but still nothing happened. "Stupid thing," she muttered, tossing it into the trash can. "Better not tell Red it doesn't work – then she'll know I used it. But on the other hand, if it doesn't work tomorrow night with whatever guy she picks up, she'll be real disappointed."

Harley opened her mouth as Ivy re-entered the room with Selina following. "I'm just saying, you should stop being such a size queen," Selina was saying, and Harley closed her mouth again, not wanting to interrupt. "I've been with plenty of guys who weren't as well endowed as others, but who have made up for it with more skill than guys who are."

"Anyone we know who fits that description?" asked Ivy, handing her a champagne glass. "Batman, for instance? He's obviously compensating for something."

"No, not Batman," sighed Selina.

"Bruce Wayne?" suggested Ivy.

"No, not him either," said Selina. "Just guys I've been with, ok? I'm not naming names."

"Why not, if size doesn't matter?" asked Ivy.

"It doesn't, not in the grand scheme of things," retorted Selina.

"No, I guess it's like a perk," said Ivy, nodding. "But it's a perk I like to have."

"There are other, more important perks to me," said Selina. "Endurance, for instance. That's more important than size."

"Why not both?" asked Harley. "Like Mr. J has. He can go for hours, and he leaves me sore and satisfied, in the best way, every single time."

They both looked at her. "Harley, do you really expect us to believe that the Joker, the Joker, is an incredible specimen of manhood with the stamina of a god?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, yeah, Red, you've heard us together in Arkham enough," said Harley, shrugging. "And why do you think he's always so happy?"

"I'm not drunk enough for this conversation," muttered Selina, downing her champagne. "Fill it up, please," she said, holding out her glass to Ivy.

"That's funny – that's what I say to Mr. J, because of the whole revving up your Harley joke," said Harley. "We sometimes use motorcycle euphemisms in bed, and pumping gas is a pretty obvious image for…"

"Harley, please, we don't need this," interrupted Ivy, grabbing her champagne glass away from her. "Geez, I can see why J doesn't want you to drink – you lose what limited filter you have. Now let's change the subject – it's Galentine's Day, after all, so no talking about men. Ok?"

"Ok, Red," said Harley, nodding. As Ivy and Selina continued to talk, Harley had fazed out of the conversation, her mind running wild with fantasies of the Joker, and blocking everything else from reality. Including the fact that she had tested Ivy's serum on herself, and that it hadn't worked. Or so she thought, but little did she know that both she and the Joker were going to receive a very unexpected Valentine's Day surprise.