IMPORTANT NOTE:
Hey everyone,
I am really sorry for the lack of stories, been dealing with a lot of adult life and here is a warning and disclaimer for this next story!
I'm going to write about a major thing no one really physically sees… So, this is a major trigger warning… It's about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mental health and eating disorders in general…
Please be respectful of this fic as it means a lot to me, and I needed to put myself back into my old mind sets that I use to deal with…
This is all from Marinette Dupain-Cheng's POV (point of view) and on occasion I will slip in some sort of Adrien Agreste's POV as chapter based
Any negative reviews will be reported as this is NOT a thing to joke about.
Thank you for all your support my bugs and kittens xx
The characters are aged up to 17.
Without further or do enjoy this story.
MARINETTE POV:
So, here I am, sitting on the rails of my balcony at 2am… It's cold, I know it is… But I don't feel it, I don't feel cold or warm. I don't feel anything…
Nothing had seemed to go right today! I don't know why I feel like this; I don't think I could feel anything at this point, even if I tried to force myself into thinking I could…
EARLIER THAT DAY
It's morning, ugh, and I was doing my usual routine;
Alarm goes off.
I get up and get dressed.
Put on a smile for the day.
Have breakfast.
Go to classes.
Go home.
Seems like a normal morning for just about everyone, right? Well, I hate to break it to you but you're wrong…
As per almost every other day, everything around me felt like it was just background noise. I, one again, felt like a ghost that no one noticed in the bustling crowd… I just felt lost.
"Girl, are you okay?" Alya asked, concerned, as she tried to comfort me by rubbing my shoulder and reminding me for the umpteenth time that she was here for me, no matter what.
Feeling drained already, it was all I could do to give her a small and tired smile.
"I'm fine, Alya, really… I just stayed up late helping my parents with the bakery," I lied through my teeth. Usually, I could tell her what was wrong with me… But, for some reason, this time I felt like I just couldn't…
'Why can't I just tell her? Why is today somehow any different?' I thought to myself, getting lost in a train of thought, right as Alya started yet another conversation about her Ladyblog.
Fortunately, the bell rang for lunch and I abruptly interrupted her and said that I was going to go work on some of my designs – alone, as I needed to concentrate – during break.
Sure, I wasn't exactly lying… But, if I were to actually be honest with her, I would've said 'Don't leave me alone, please, I need help'…It confused me why I couldn't just say that…Sometimes I just felt this thing inside me screaming… But something deep down inside me wanted to hold my words back like I was slowly drowning, but no one would even know.
I slowly made my way over the library… good no one is here, granted who would even be here, it was a beautiful day outside and everyone would have been soaking up the sunshine within their skin… But why couldn't I enjoy it… Why can't you be like them? What are you even doing? What do I even want?
"Mari…"
My thoughts were cut off so a soft faint voice, I gathered up all of my thoughts frantically like they were all over the floor like when you drop you papers or books.
As I looked up to see who was in my presents and it was Adrien… why is he here?
"I know you probably came here wanting to concentrate but…" He looked down while rubbing the back of his head "Do you mind if I sit down with you?" I could feel my eyes widen, even though my face didn't show it I was screaming for joy that he was here at least, someone to keep my company so I don't feel completely along, "I-I mean like you seemed like you needed the company… but I wouldn't want to intrude on what you are doing but…"
I smiled half-heartedly at him and cut him off "Adrien, it's fine, you can sit down with me, I just don't really feel like any sort of small talk as of the moment"
He nodded agreeing with me and sat down next to me.
We sat in a comfortable silence between each other while I did some sketching and Adrien catching up of his Chinese studies, he was a sweet guy, always there to break the ice between others when needed, he was so caring, always going out of his way to make others smile… He managed to make me smile a few times, but I guess he noticed I haven't been smiling… Well a real smile anyways…
"How are things going at home?" Adrien asks out of nowhere.
"Fine, but been busy a few times"
"Yeah I bet… How's the designing?"
"Fine I guess…"
"What do you mea-"
"I said… NO small talk" I snapped… I didn't mean to; my mind kept screaming SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! TELL HIM YOU ARE SORRY!
"S-sorry…" Adrien looked down at the ground feeling hurt… I felt bad, I usually never snap at anyone for anything unless they deserved it… Adrien didn't deserve it, he was just trying to help… But why didn't I care… But I did care I just couldn't feel any care…
He laid his head on my shoulder "Is this okay?"
I nodded "Yeah, it's fine"
We've become more closer with each other over the years this kind of thing would never really bother me but today something was different I could feel my heart beat a little bit… but I felt it like this for agers… I was smiling for real this time, I started sketching happily and enjoying myself know that Adrien was happy sitting in silence with me…
You don't deserve this! You are nothing…
My head snap into reality for a moment… where did that voice come from…?
Everything seemed to go by really fast, the bell rang to go to back to home room, I showed my drawings to Alya who was so proud of me, Nino and Adrien also showed their love for my work as well.
"Look everyone Marinette did the most amazing drawing of all time, what is it supposed to be anyways" Alya shouted like she was a proud parent.
"A… An evening dress…" I responded quickly
Chloe laughed "It doesn't even look like a dress, it looks like a homeless person's home. Cardboard and filthy blankets"
Usually Chloe's comments towards me would never really affect me… so why are they just affecting me now? I questioned myself as I blinked back the tears that I could feel forming behind my eye lids, I left my sketch book behind and ran home…
I got home and thanking every god that no one was home, I ran up to the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror looking at the disgusting mess I have made of myself, tears running down my cheeks, red sore puffy eyes forming. I started coughing which started to burn the back of my throat as I cried more and more, then turned into hyperventilating, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach that started working its way up to my throat. I slowly stepped towards the toilet and nearly collapsed in front of it, I start heaving up everything that had been sitting in my stomach throughout that day.
More tears started streaming down my cheeks, nothing was making sense at why I felt like this…
Why didn't I just brush it off like I usually would?
Why are the insults affecting me now?
Why am I weak?
What am I doing?
All of these questions but none of them have answers…
You will never be happy!
You will be always worthless!
You are a waste of space!
There was that voice again… "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" I screamed at the top of my lungs before stumbling back to my room on the floor in tears, feeling myself drift away into the nothingness of sleep.
A few moments went by and I could hear my phone going off, at the time I didn't want anyone to talk to me at this point but when I saw that Adrien… Adrien? Of all people that could call me…
I sniffed back all the tears and answered the phone "He-Hello?"
"Hey Marinette, so umm I'm pretty sure you don't want to talk to anyone right now, but I wanted to know if you were okay? Just wanted to make sure if you needed anyone or if you were okay"
Adrien's voice sounded so soothing even though it was full on concern, he was worried… about me? Of all people who could be calling me it was Adrien…
"Ye-Yeah, I'm fine…" I paused for a moment "I'm really sorry I ran out like that, it wasn't like me…" it took all of my will power to hold back the tears I wanted to shed all over again.
"Oh no Marinette don't apologies for something like that, you didn't do anything wrong it was just Chloe, you never have to apologies for showing how you truly feel inside"
Adrien was literally being the most amazing person to talk to right now that it made me want to break down even further and just letting the darkness swallow me whole, but I can't let that happen… can I?
I sniffed back my tears "Tha… Thank you Adrien, I really appreciate everything you are doing for me right now…"
There was silence on the other side of the phone for a moment, I was overthinking about whether Adrien was rolling his eyes at me over the phone… no he wouldn't be doing that.
"It's okay Marinette, I just want you to know that I do care about you and always will be here for you even if it's just for company and sitting in silence" Adrien said calmingly over the phone, I held back even more tears, I didn't want to seem too vulnerable at the time.
I sniffed back more tears, "As much as I appreciate the offer, Adrien I think I might pass it for today. I want some time to collect myself and just get my head on straight I just think today was just one of those days where I just need time for myself"
I hear a sigh over the phone but not of annoyance but a sigh of acceptance of my answer, "Well okay, all I can do is respect your wishes and if you ever need someone never hesitate to reach out to me and ask for my help okay" Adrien said with a reassurance within his voice.
"Thank you again Adrien… I'll defiantly keep that in mind, I should probably go through just to collect myself more and maybe get some rest"
Adrien chuckled nervously "Yeah I'll let you go and get some rest"
I was about to hang up the phone until,
"Oh, and Marinette"
"Y-yes?" I questioned
"I'm always one call away, not matter the time of day, I will answer the phone no matter what it is for"
We sat there on the phone with white noise between us over the phone, I felt like a void was trying to suck me back in when Adrien was standing there waiting for me as I was being sucked into that void.
"Thank you again Adrien, I will keep that in mind as well, thank you for checking up on me" I could feel my throat tighten, it started to burn, why was my body reacting this way.
"Okay Marinette, take care of yourself and get some rest"
Once the call was over as I could do was shy away from looking at myself, I turned my phone and computer off and covered my mirror as I never wanted to see myself with what I feel like I am becoming, I slowly make myself way to my waiting bed, I bury myself within my blankets that felt so much heavier than what they were before… Oh well, it'll help me recollect myself again and hopefully I'll be feel better after I sleep.
I close my eyes and I feel myself drifting off into nothingness…
'You will never be okay, you will always be worthless no matter what you do'
The last thing I felt was a singular tear slowly traveling down my face as I laid down
A few hours later I woke up in a cold sweat, everything seemed to move so slow but yet fast at the same time… I know it doesn't make sense but something about this felt very off…
I know this feeling, I've felt it before but it's now only starting to get so much worse as the times go on when I tried to ignore it rather than sitting down and writing things down and well talking about it… It's beyond help really…
I got up from my bed, I put on one of my baggy white hoodies that I got from a Jaggered Stone concert then I opened the trap door that leads to my balcony.
So, here I am, sitting on the rails of my balcony at 2am… It's cold, I know it is… But I don't feel it, I don't feel cold or warm. I don't feel anything…
Nothing had seemed to go right today! I don't know why I feel like this; I don't think I could feel anything at this point, even if I tried to force myself into thinking I could…
I heard a silenced thud behind me, I slowly turned my body around feeling myself tense up, it felt like the whole world was constantly on my shoulders.
I finally looked up from the floor I was staring at only to meet the gaze of a green-eyed boy in his pleather cat suit.
"Hello Princess"
I don't know what came over me, but I started to tear up and bolted towards him with a tight grasp around his waist, we both slowly hit the floor, I kept my tight grip around him as he stroked my hair allowing me to let everything out.
A/N; Hey guys, if you guys want more chapter please let me know as this story means so much to me right now.
Also, another little disclaimer, if you guys are wanting more chapters, these things will take me nearly months to work on, this first chapter took me a year to put together, editing and also trying to cope with revisiting everything within these chapters.
I am alright with how I am at the moment, but I will be honestly I am struggling a little bit here and there.
The next chapter will be in Adrien's/Chat Noir's POV so if anyone would like this story to be a thing let me know and I'll start the next chapter.
Thank you all for the love and support xoxo