Dramatis Personae:

Anthony "Anton"/"uncle Tony" Crowley
(An artist turned marketing assistant)

Lucy Ferguson
(Crowley's boss, too perfect for this world)

Adam Ferguson-Zabielski
(Son of Lucy, shatterer of eardrums, soiler of diapers. Like his mother, too perfect for this world)

Anathema Device
(Crowley's niece, sassy teen)

Ezra "Aziraphale" Fell
(Local bookshopkeeper, historical fiction author and former employee at a local daycare)

It was a nice, warm morning in the middle of March and life was good. Winter had come to an end, and spring was finally starting to set in. Young leaves and blooms were starting to grow in the trees and shrubs in the park across from Crowley's Mayfair apartment. It was so warm, in fact, that Anthony J "usually-so-cold-he-should-probably-get-himself-checked-out" Crowley ventured to work without his coat and with a pair of sunglasses perched on his nose, ever the optimist.

On his way to work, the marketing department at the global headquarters of a European multinational, he stopped by a coffee shop, greeted the barista, and ordered a latte for himself and for his boss before continuing on his way.

His boss, Lucy, had been a classmate of his in primary school. He had some fond memories of her. But after primary school, their friendship faded. Where Crowley failed classes left and right and was set back several years, Lucy flourished in school and exceeded every expectation. Where Crowley decided to go into the arts, Lucy studied marketing and management. And where Crowley lived alone with barely a social life to speak of, Lucy had a fiancé, a son and a seemingly endless stream of friends on top of her job.

How she did it, he had no idea. But he somehow ended up being her assistant.

"Mr. Crowley, so glad you decided to join us." Lucy flashed a devilish smile as she snatched one of the paper cups out of the carton the very second he came out of the elevator. Her caramel brown hair was done up in a neat bun, as per usual, and her black pantsuit looked stunning on her, as always.

"Good morning to you too, Lucy."

"Ms. Ferguson," Lucy corrected. "I know you mean well, but someone's gotta show these sharks who's boss. Besides, I don't go around calling you Anton, do I?"

"Yes ma'am," Crowley said. He mocked a salute as he followed her into her office.

'Anton' was what Lucy had called him upon their first meeting one fateful day in the schoolyard, and it stuck to him ever since. He couldn't blame another six year old for refusing to even try and pronounce 'Anthony'. Especially when the man himself spoke with a lisp back then.

"Anything I can do for you?" He asked before finally taking a sip of his coffee.

"Well, there is one thing…" Lucy— ms. Ferguson said. "It's not exactly work-related, but I'm not sure there's anyone else in the world I would trust with the task."

This piqued Crowley's attention. A single brow raised over the rims of the sunglasses he had 'forgotten' to take off.

"You know how… particular I can be with Adam's care, right?"

Oh, Crowley knew. The last year and nine months had been an Experience, so to speak. Every day, Lucy had regaled to Crowley the many things she read in books and on websites about parenting. Once the boy was finally there, she had laid down the law for everyone. Fiancés, grandparents, friends and babysitters alike. She was strict about it, but Adam seemed to be happy and healthy. But that was Lucy: strict, diligent, and always yielding the best results.

"Yes," Crowley tried simply, motioning for her to continue.

"I'm about to offer you two weeks out of the office. All expenses covered. On the condition that you look after Adam while Belle and I are on our vacation."

As if they had become sentient with a sense for comedic timing, Crowley's sunglasses slid down his nose.

"What?"

"Anton, please."

"I thought you had a babysitter!"

"I thought so too! But now she's off to Cambodia for half a year to rediscover herself after a particularly bad break up…" Lucy let herself fall into her office chair with an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry, but you're really my only hope. Belle is so looking forward to this trip to Croatia, I don't want to have to tell her that we have to cancel."

Crowley thought it over for a second. Deep down, he knew he had already decided, but caring for his obscene amount of houseplants proved to be a challenge on its own. Was taking care of a human baby really a good idea?

Then again, this was Lucy. Surely she would provide clearer instructions to take care of Adam than the regular garden center would provide for a ficus. He pouted and bit the inside of his cheeks some more before finally speaking up.

"Okay, I'll do it," he mumbled.

"You're a lifesaver!" Lucy said as she clasped her hands together. "I'll pack a bag with everything he needs and print you some instructions. Our plane leaves at three, so if you could come pick up Adam at my place at around nine in the morning, that would be ideal."

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. I can do that," Crowley said as he tried not to imagine an instruction book the size of a George R. R. Martin novel, peppered with fine print, brightly coloured post-its and a footnote here and there. "Tomorrow at nine. Absolutely." He whipped out his phone to set his alarms accordingly with a quick note to 'PICK UP LUCY'S BABY'. Crowley was not used to having to be places at nine on a Saturday, but he liked to think he could do it with the right precautions.

"Again, I can't thank you enough for this.

"Hey, no, really, it's fine. You work really hard. You deserve a nice vacation."

Lucy smiled. "That's really sweet of you. So, the deeds of the day?"

"Oh! Right, deeds. There's some calls that came in after you left yesterday, I put a list of those on your desk and…"

It was Saturday, ten in the morning, and Crowley was sitting on a bench in the park across the street from his apartment. The sound of the children playing football behind him, using water bottles as improvised goalposts filled his ears. The pram containing Adam, who was covered in a reasonable amount of sunblock for the time of year, was parked securely next to him. He tried to relax and soak up some much needed sunshine, but instead he ground his teeth as he pondered for a while whether or not to also put his sunglasses on the toddler to shield his eyes.

Crowley noticed Lucy had packed the kid red and white striped pyjamas. He had briefly toyed with the idea of asking her whether or not he looked like the Goblin King to her, but quickly decided against it. He knew what Lucy was like when she was stressed, and joking about 80s movies in that situation would not have been the best idea.

He fidgeted with his fingers and ground his teeth some more. He didn't know the first thing about caring for a baby. He didn't know what the right temperature for a jar of mashed vegetables felt like. He didn't know how fast his patience might run out without a smoke every once in a while. He leaned his head backwards and let out an exasperated groan. Two weeks of not smoking. How had he ever agreed to this?

He gave Adam a quick glance to make sure he was entertained with his rattling teddy bear before getting out his phone, scroll through the letter A in his contacts and dial the expert.

"Hey Anathema, how are you doing?" Crowley asked, putting on his best customer service voice. He practically heard the teen's mood drop.

"Need me to help you hide another body, uncle Tony?" Anathema asked, all business. "Proverbially, of course."

"Not quite..." He said, slowly phasing the artificial sweetener out of his tone. Anathema had the best bullshit radar in the family and it must have been blaring at full power. "You still babysit, right?"

"What do you need a babysitter for?" Anathema pushed.

"Yesterday I promised my boss I would watch her baby while she's away for two weeks. And today I'm realizing I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing."

"And now you want me to look after your boss' baby so you can take all the credit when she comes home?"

"If that's within the realm of possibility, yes."

"Uncle Tony, I have classes to go to and finals to study for. Why don't you ask that friend of yours you had a crush on? The one with the bookshop. Whatshisface. It's on the tip of my tongue."

Crowley winced when he came to the conclusion, "Ezra? I haven't talked to him in months."

"Well, you best start talking to him again. He said that before he had his bookshop, he had a job at a daycare."

"When did he tell you that?"

"When I was seven and you took me to the park by his shop every weekend so you could admire him from afar. This one time you finally built up the courage to take me into his shop with the promise of a new book, which you never got me by the way, you two got talking and he just casually dropped it into the conversation. But then again, you might have been so nervous it went right over your head."

"Yeah, that might have been it," Crowley admitted more to himself than to his niece. "I'll give him a call. You're my hero, Anathema."

"I know," the girl said. Crowley could hear the smug smirk on her face on the other end of the line. "You can call me for some quick advice, but please know that I'm going to be busy."

"Gotcha. I'll talk to you later then. Tell your mum I said hi."

"Will do. See ya."

"Right. See ya," and he ended the call. He went back into his contacts and scrolled down to the letter E. However, he was so preoccupied with his phone that he didn't notice something, or rather someone, leaning over the backrest of the bench.

"You called?" Ezra Fell, local bookshop keeper and historical non-fiction* author 'Aziraphale', asked with a satisfied smirk on his face.

(*This was a point of contention between Ezra and his literary agent. Where Ezra didn't feel comfortable calling his books historical "non-fiction". His novels were, after all, primarily based on vague records and nearly non-existent witness accounts. However, his agent insisted on the label, since, according to them, the very label itself would sell more copies.)

Crowley flinched, but didn't shriek. Not even a little bit. Not if you asked him, at least. "What are you doing here?!"

"Just feeding the ducks some old oats when I heard a familiar voice say my name, so I decided to investigate," the man said as he walked around the bench to sit down next to Crowley. "Did you know bread is actually really bad for ducks?"

"No," Crowley said simply, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"So, what about the baby? Did I miss something big?" Ezra asked as he tossed some oats to the ground. Ducks came rushing from the pond and Adam giggled at the sight of the waddling birds. "I mean, I'd assume you'd let me know if you had a baby, somehow."

"My boss took her fiancé on a vacation to Croatia, she's probably going to propose, so I'm looking after their son until they come home."

"Since when do you know anything about taking care of a baby?"

"I don't. I'm just generally very good at following her very particular instructions," Crowley said as he produced a stack of instructions from a bright blue diaper bag, roughly the size of The Fellowship Of The Ring. "That and she trusts me, I guess. I was actually hoping you could help me with these."

A small 'my goodness' escaped Ezra as he eyed the stack of loose pages. "That's all for him?" He asked, pointing at Adam.

"Look out, mister!" A young voice called from behind them, but Crowley paid it no mind.

"It is, trust me. It's—" Crowley bit his tongue as a football hit him in the back of the head, knocking his shades off his face and the pages out of his hand. As luck would have it, a breeze picked up, carrying the pages away from them and into the duck pond.

Adam giggled and clapped his tiny hands.

"Oh dear…"

"Fuck me…"