He stalked the halls like an angry, prowling thing.
Doors crashing open, shoulders jostled, hard eyes sweeping then dismissing, and a snarl, panther black, curled up tight over clenched teeth.
Not her.
Not her.
Not her.
Emotions dark and wanting rose up within him like a tsunami, bubbling and roiling waves crashing over and over and over. The last several weeks of sleepless nights, skipped meals, and reckless wallowing leaving him stripped and frayed.
We have to stop.
The memory of her lovely, perfect mouth saying those terrible, horrible things could almost make him wish he never held her at all.
More fool him for it. Almost was a chasm he wasn't strong enough to crawl out of. It sat like the weight of her on him, his hands on her, and all of the things he'd ever wanted warming in-between.
It'd been a Tuesday when Ladybug lost her mind.
"Chat,"
"Hmm."
"Are you seeing anyone?"
He'd frozen, body taut with terror, resisting the urge to snort or laugh or maybe even cry at the ridiculous question.
Was he seeing anyone?
Ha.
Ha, ha, ha,
Ha.
"Why?" He managed, his voice barely cracking around his grin. "Are you interested?"
She had, in fact, been interested.
The way her eyes softened when she said I really like you would forever be imprinted on his heart. And if her words weren't enough to send it flatlining, the small, dimple-hinting smile on her pink cheeks would have done him in.
He should have known he wouldn't make it out of any relationship with her unscathed.
Not that they were ever, strictly speaking, together.
God.
Adrien's hands clenched, his nails biting into his palms to stem the retreating tide of those thoughts.
"Are you breaking up with me?" He'd asked, laughing as he held her.
Ladybug tapped his nose and grinned. "It's not a break up if you don't know my name."
She'd always been clear on that.
Proper relationships weren't possible, she said. Not with masks and secret identities and supervillains standing between them.
But they weren't not together either.
It went something like this:
Salt on skin on tongues on neck. Breathy sighs and low whispers in shadows against run down chimney tops. Black gloves on red, red hips, fingers clenching over fabric, fingers searching for more skin.
Dancing blue eyes that said yes but only some. Grinning green that answered please and I'll take anything.
Hair like midnight, tousled and free, ribbons untangled then tossed then lost to the rooftop evening breeze. Wicked smiles, his then hers, followed by nervous giggles, also his also hers.
"Never thought I'd be here," She confessed, lips trailing light and wanting down his throat while he held her close, held her tight, wanting time to stop so she never had to.
"Never stopped thinking about it." He sighed because it was true and he wanted so desperately for her to know the truth.
The truth for him was his lips on hers, her breath in his lungs, and red and black and black meeting and holding and holding. All he'd ever wanted was to hold her and here she was and here he was and she was holding him just as much as he was holding her and in that moment and in those hours turned days turned weeks it was everything, everything.
He told her as much once as she hung before him, upside down, from the beams of the Eiffel tower. Her pigtails were running down like rabbit ears and she was pulling a cross-eyed snarl, the effect of which was ruined every time Chat poked at her exposed sides causing her to squeal and squirm and sway.
"Stoooop," She whined, batting him away with her free hand.
"Can't help it," He said, grinning, eyes soft. "Touching you is my favorite thing."
She laughed then and rolled her eyes and blushed because he'd get like this sometimes and it was her job to bring them back to the line they'd trampled over and over and over again.
"You're a silly Chaton," She said and he leaned forward to kiss her wrinkled nose.
"Your silly Chaton."
And while it was as true as it wasn't Ladybug didn't argue with him all the same.
Maybe he would hurt less if she had.
She said I love you like goodbye.
Soft and sweet and sad, cheeks pink beneath her mask, a gift he never wanted to return. Words he coveted from the first spoken by a tongue he only ever wished to know.
And she said them first.
"I love you."
It should have been their new beginning. Their next step over the boundaries she'd so carefully set then constructed then steamrolled over with him.
But there was no one Chat knew better than Ladybug. It wasn't hard to read despair in the slope of her neck, the arch in her back, and the hunch in her shoulders.
"Chat," She choked. "Chat, I love you."
He nearly mauled her and her nervous biting lip to catch the words she was swallowing down. Clutching her tightly, hands on her waist and neck, kissing her lips, her nose, her cheeks, her eyes.
I love you too. I love you so, so much.
"Please," He whispered against her skin, holding and molding her closer, arms locked around her tight like the vise slowly closing around his heart. "Please stop talking."
"I love you." She said, again, hands on his cheeks, gently pulling him from his hiding place in her neck. "I love you Chat Noir and we have to stop."
"We don't have to do anything," He said, frantic words keeping pace with his frantic heart.
"You know it's not safe," Ladybug murmured, blinking back tears even as her thumb gently wiped away his own. "And-and I can't do this with just half of you."
"You have all of me," He said, voice cracking, as he pleaded with her integrity. "I'll tell you my name. I'll give you my name. You already have my heart. I'll take off this ring and give you the whole damn world, one wish, just for you–"
But even as he frantically clawed at his miraculous she was clutching his hands in hers and pulling him in for a succession of teary, laughing kisses.
"Stop– please don't laugh – I'm serious."
"I know," Ladybug said, and Chat knew before seeing her smile that it wasn't good and therefore she couldn't know. "And that's why we can't do this anymore. Not– not right now."
Adrien could scream as he recalled her words.
Not right now.
Not right now.
Not right now.
They stung and soothed and agitated.
If not now then when? If not Ladybug then who?
He knew the answer to that last question before it could properly form.
It sat like a brick on his chest the weight that made waiting impossible.
If not Ladybug then no one.
Not when she'd been looking at him like that, with all the resigned, stiff-backed heartbreak of a hero during her duty.
Duty could forgive her voice trembling like his knees as she pulled away from him.
"I'll see you around yeah?"
He laughed because he was already crying.
"Yeah, bug. You'll see me around."
Adrien wrenched open the locker room doors, startling the scattered students within. Kim shot him a smirk as he stalked past.
"You look like shit, Agreste."
It took him only a moment to see that what he wanted wasn't in here either.
"Maybe it's better that it happens n-now." She murmured. "It's only been a month."
Only a month, she'd said.
It was only a month the way a gunshot was only a scratch.
Only a month of knowing the feeling of her hands in his hair, her back under his fingers, her laugh in his mouth. Only a month and the feeling of her was already imprinted like a brand on his… well, not skin. Not skin because he never got to actually touch her. Not really. Not the way he wanted to.
Skin on skin, fingertips on freckles, nails down spines down thighs.
Only a month, she'd said.
It'd been another month gone and he felt like he'd died a thousand lives in between.
Their almost was a pain he didn't know how to carry.
Unsurprising really.
Ladybug always was the stronger of the two.
His sneakers squeaked against the linoleum tile of the hall as his wreckless searching became more focused. He could feel Plagg's claws clenching in futile disapproval against his chest. There would be scratches, red and angry, to deal with later, but Adrien didn't care.
His kwami lost this argument a long time ago.
The library's double doors hit the wall with a slam! Madame Rochard protested as he stormed past the check out desk but Adrien ignored every unremarkable, curious stare that turned his way as he headed back to the stacks.
The tables in this area were relatively empty save for the dark-haired girl slumped over a textbook, head supported by a bent elbow, eyeliner sleep smudged and hair disheveled.
Adrien nearly stumbled over his feet when she looked up at him and smiled.
It was tired, it was small, but it was hers.
Hers. Hers. Hers.
Her eyes, blue, blue, blue, staring at him with concern and curiosity as he gracelessly tripped towards her. The same eyes, blue, blue, blue, he'd seen not even an hour before behind a mask of red as she fell in then walked out of an alleyway.
I love you, Chat. I love you.
Her tearful declaration all those weeks ago was still ringing in his heart like discordant bells.
"Adri–oof!"
He couldn't stop himself from falling to his knees in front of her, nearly knocking the both of them over as he wrapped his arms awkwardly behind the chair and around her waist, burying his face in her lap.
Holding her felt like breathing.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
He whispered the words like lifelines and it wasn't until Marinette's fingers (god her fingers) were brushing away his tears that he realized he was crying.
Gentle hands tugged at his face as she pushed him back enough to meet her questioning gaze. Her eyes were confused and confusing, a sight so familiar he could drown.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
"H-hi," He croaked.
"Hello," Marinette said, softly.
She didn't stop him when his shaky hands grasped hers, fumbling to lock them together.
"Adrien?"
He couldn't meet her eyes then and stared down at their interlocked fingers. Skin on skin on skin. Pale and calloused and so, so dear.
"I know you said not right now," He murmured, feeling her stiffen in his grasp even as his thumbs sought to soothe her. "But– but can it be right now?"
Marinette released a shaky breath and Adrien risked a look at her face.
Her eyes were unsure and crinkled in the corners but a tremulous smile peeked out as her fingers squeezed his.
"Chat?" She whispered.
Adrien couldn't speak for all the words crawling up his throat demanding to be spoken. He settled for nodding and then nodding some more when her questioning grip turned hard as she yanked him to her, smashing her lips to his in clumsy, heartbreaking want.
An endless chorus of yes yes yes and mine mine mine and please please please rang long and loud in his ears as Marinette practically fell out of her chair on top of him. Her hands were in his hair, nails scratching his scalp, lips peppering his cheeks, his ears, his temple in disbelieving joy.
"You found me. You found me."
"I found you. I found you."