Tumblr Prompt: gods and champions AU. Inspired by Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

AN: Edited the ending so that it'd make a little more sense. Hopefully. Let me know what you think!

"What the hell do you want us to do?" Naruto screeched. He was tired, hungry, dehydrated, and currently standing in the middle of a very large and empty arena. Beyond the arena was just…empty space.

There was no one around him except for the boy next to him. At first he thought that the other boy needed to go to the bathroom. Upon closer observation, however, Naruto came to the conclusion that the constipated expression on the other boy's face was probably congenital. It was unfortunate, really. His face would have been quite nice-looking without it.

The colossal woman coughed. "You're forgetting about us."

Naruto glared at her. "I don't care how pretty you are. Butt out of my thoughts, would ya?"

…Fine. Correction: there was no one in sight except for the boy and the two stupid giants sitting in front of him who just HAD to pull him away from reality into this non-reality JUST as the his ramen timer went off.

Did they even have any fucking idea how hard it was to make the perfect cup of instant ramen?!

The giant man with the scarred eye groaned. "Is there a mute button for his brain? Seriously, ramen this and ramen that. Sakura-chan, let's just get this over with. He makes me tired."

A mute button? Naruto thought incredulously. Why would they need a mute button for his brain when all of his thoughts revolved around the best invention humans invented since canned bread? Canned bread tasted bland, one-dimensional. There was nothing one could do to improve the taste.

But ramen…

Naruto gave the giant a pitying look. What use were good looks or an imposing height when one had never experienced the spiritual beauty of ramen? In the privacy of his not-so-private mind, he dubbed the poor ignoramus Giant Ramen-Less Dork, GRLD. Gerald for short.

The giant man with the scarred eye flinched and moved slightly, forehead furrowed, but Giant Pretty Woman held him back.

"Sakura," Gerald said, with a hint of irritation in his voice. "You heard the human."

"Oh, let the child be, Kakashi," Giant Pretty Woman said, amused. She gave Naruto a toothy smile, and Naruto nearly melted.

No, no, no, he told himself. Man up, Naruto. Uzumakis never gave in, even to the wiles of beautiful creatures like this woman in front of him. She was the cause of his ramen-less existence. He would never forgive her. NEVER.

Pretty Woman gave him another dazzling smile that did weird things to his stomach. Gerald just shook his head.

"Maa, it's not good to break your playthings, Sakura-chan," he said mildly. The woman's smile didn't falter.

…Fine. He'd forgive her just this once, Naruto thought desperately, butterflies in his stomach now morphing into flapjacks. The Uzumaki part of his mind, the one shaped like his mother Kushina, flared up in rage and annoyance at this stupid, besotted offshoot of the family tree.

Betrayer, it hissed, BETRAYER.

"This one is very amusing," Pretty Woman said, watching Naruto with her impossibly green eyes. "I quite like him. He's much more entertaining than your champion, don't you think?" She eyed her giant counterpart.

"I prefer my champion myself," Gerald said coolly. "At least he doesn't need a mute button. I wish he'd smile a little, though."

When the boy next to Naruto heard Gerald, his glower darkened. Gerald gave a little one-armed shrug when he saw this.

"That'll do, I suppose," he drawled. He yawned, momentarily closing his one good eye. He settled into the marble throne and looked at the puny creatures at his feet. "Maa, Sakura, can we start yet?"

Sakura very, very reluctantly drew her attention away from Naruto's antics. She gave a short nod.

Gerald cleared his throat. "Our eons of slumber have left us ignorant of the world around us, and we seek to obtain a better understanding of your race," he told Naruto and the boy. "In order to achieve this purpose, Sakura and I have traveled long, long distances through time and space, and after much deliberation, each of us has selected a champion whom we believe best illustrates the essential quality of 'being human.'"

"…Are you God?" Naruto asked Gerald skeptically. "If you are, I'd like to tell you that I refuse to believe in you. God can't not like ramen. Oh, wait! If you can bibbidi-bobbidi-boo some cup ramen, I'll believe in you."

Sakura stifled something that sounded like a muffled laugh. Gerald closed his unscarred eye.

"We are not gods, human," Gerald sighed. "We're interdimensional beings, but that's beside the point." He leaned forward expectantly. "So, child. Show us the most human aspect of being human."

When Naruto and the other boy looked at each other, confused, Gerald cocked his head. "Well, go on," he said encouragingly. "Show us what you can do. You can take as much time as you need. Preferably before you both expire, and preferably within a human hour. Jiraya-sensei's new book is coming out in 59 minutes and 30 seconds, and I must get my hands on the very first copy."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Naruto said, confused. "I mean, does my existence here count as proof?"

"No, not quite, unfortunately," Gerald-The-Interdimensional-Being said, sounding a little apologetic. "I honestly couldn't care any less about what you creatures, but Sakura-chan here is determined to find what makes you what you are."

"Yes," the woman with the pink hair said, leaning forward. Her green eyes sparkled. "I want to see what makes you tick."

Naruto gulped.

When nothing happened for a few minutes, Gerald sighed. "Uchiha Sasuke," he said, addressing the boy next to Naruto, who looked up sharply. "What do you believe defines the human race?"

"Warfare," the boy named Sasuke promptly said, face twisting grotesquely. "Revenge. Bloodshed."

"You're just a pocket full of sunshine, aren't you?" Naruto commented. "Maybe you should take a chill pill. I recommend the ones with the smiley faces on them."

Sasuke gave him an ugly look. "Shut up, idiot."

Well, then. If the boy didn't need Naruto's helpful advice, he was just a stupid teme.

"How would you best express this…essential quality to us, Uchiha Sasuke?" Gerald prompted, looking hopefully at Teme. "You have 40 minutes left, if you want to return to your home unharmed. Tick tock."

Something shiny sparkled in the air, and two swords dropped in front of the two boys, one for each person.

"Will this do?" Gerald said, yawning widely. His eye, however, watched the two of them keenly.

Naruto gulped when he saw Teme pick up the sword and run a finger across the sharp edge. Dark red blood gleamed on the metal, and Teme—get this, Teme smiled.

What a creep, dattebayo.

Teme turned to Gerald. "I just have to kill him, and then you'll let me go," he said. He didn't phrase it as a question.

Gerald merely blinked his one eye lazily. "Maa, whatever you think is right, champion," he said happily. "30 minutes left, now." Sakura shifted in her seat, eyes fixed on Naruto with the same hungry, fascinated gaze from before.

Teme turned to Naruto, baring his teeth. "I'll give you a quick death," he promised, and he started toward him with long, even strides.

"Wait wait waitttt," Naruto said, holding up his hands, still unarmed. The sword he had been given still lay on the dusty ground, gleaming in the light. "You don't ACTUALLY want to do this, do you?"

Teme growled. "Don't say unnecessary things, dobe," he snarled, and raised his sword. Naruto yelped, dodging the blade as it whistled through the air right where his head was a few seconds before. To his horror, a few strands of severed hair floated slowly downwards.

"Show us what it is to be human," Gerald's voice reverberated in his mind, and the gears in Naruto's head began to click and groan. The Kushina phantom stopped howling and began to grease some of the rustier cogs. Naruto was dumb, but he was an Uzumaki. More importantly, he was the last Uzumaki, and the Uzumaki spirit was very determined to not perish in this godforsaken piece of interdimensional space.

Naruto straightened up and stood still, looking Teme straight in the eye. "This isn't the only way out," Naruto told the boy, and Teme stiffened, taken off-guard.

"Bullshit," Teme sneered. "All humans do is kill. Why do you think this place is an arena?" He gestured around him. "They want us to kill each other. This is the only solution."

"No, it's not," Naruto said unexpectedly. "Besides, I know that you don't want to kill me." Teme flinched, and Naruto knew he was right.

"Are you making fun of me?" Teme said dangerously. "I've been training with a sword ever since I was eight. Don't. Make. Light. Of. Me."

Naruto flapped a hand. "Eh. You purposely missed me when you swung your sword that time," he pointed out. "You could have easily killed me, but you didn't." Under all that bravado, under that sad, screwed-up constipated look, Teme was just a big ol' softy.

When Teme didn't answer, Naruto narrowed his eyes and went for the kill. "I bet you're just a nancy-boy," he taunted. "You can't even hurt a fly. You don't need to. Someone else probably gets their hands dirty for you, right?"

Teme flinched, and Naruto knew he'd struck gold. "YOU."

"But it'd be nice to be in your shoes," Naruto mused, which silenced Teme again. He looked at Teme. "I'm making fun of you, but not really. I'd want someone else to get my hands dirty instead of me. Yeah, it's kinda messed up, but it shows how much they care for you, you know? I don't know anyone who would kill for me. One, all my life savings are in cup ramen, and two, I don't have a mom or a dad, or anyone else who would kill for me unconditionally. But I'm guessing you do, right?"

"Shut up," Teme mumbled, but he seemed to be thinking hard about something.

Sakura sighed, looking at the two humans dreamily. "Empathy is such a wonderful thing, isn't it?" She said happily. "It even triumphs over bloodlust and anger. Fascinating."

The being called Gerald, however, was of a different opinion.

"Is that supposed to be empathy?" He asked, looking at the two doubtfully. "Because if it is, I'm having to have some concerns about the future of this race. They're rather frightening creatures, the lot of them."

Sakura nudged Gerald. "It looks like this is going to be my win, Kakashi," she whispered into Gerald's, or more accurately, Kakashi's ear before biting his lobe playfully. Kakashi didn't seem to notice.

"Maa, this game was rigged from the very beginning. Your champion is mentally insane," Kakashi complained, without any real heat. The sooner this little wager was over, the sooner he could hop over to the mortal realm and pick up that pretty, pretty orange book of Jiraiya-sama's. He hummed with delight, imagining himself at the bookstore, hearing that marvelous crinkle of plastic wrap falling from the hard cover, opening those crisp, smooth pages—

Sakura gave his head a hard rap, and Kakashi doubled over. "Owww," he whined, giving her a mock-hurt look. "Sakura-channnn."

"Pay attention, Kakashi," Sakura ordered, looking a little pissed for no apparent reason. Why was she so mad? "My champion's winning by a landslide." Kakashi glanced at the two. The loud blond one seemed to be putting his arms around his champion in a show of camaraderie. Drat. He was sure that he'd picked the most bloodthirsty and single-minded mercenary out there.

He knew he should have picked the fish-man.

Sakura elbowed him in the ribs. "Kakashi, you have to watch this," she said, tone a little too gleeful for his liking. Kakashi reluctantly returned his gaze on the two humans below them…and choked when he saw what the two humans were doing.

...Were they hugging? And were those…were those tears streaming down his champion's face?

Now Kakashi really, really wished he'd picked the fish-man.

"Well," he said. "We certainly didn't see this coming, did we? Heh heh."

"Pay up, Kakashi. My champion still won, fair and square." Sakura paused as if a sudden idea occurred to her. Then she smirked, and Kakashi uneasily shifted around in his throne.

"As the winner, I'd like to make an amendment to our wager," Sakura said, now smiling very, very widely. "I want all of the prize money in ryo. Right after this match."

Kakashi immediately paled. "Now?" he asked weakly. Sakura's sharp teeth gleamed cold and white in the light.

"Yes, darling. Now," Sakura said softly, poison-sweet. "Is there a problem, dear?" She batted her eyelashes. "I recall a certain someone's oath to never renege on a promise in return for my spending a lifetime with him."

Kakashi sweated. "But...but, dear-" he began, and Sakura narrowed her eyes, flirtatious behavior gone.

"Are you going back on your promise, Kakashi?" She asked, glacial cold.

Kakashi whimpered.

"Sakura-chan, you can't do this to me today," he begged. "Please. I'll give you the funds tomorrow— Sakura, think about this poor old man and his poor old heart….Sakura?"

"No. A promise is a promise."

"But Sakura-chan, Icha Icha—"

"Oh. I see how it is. Are you saying that your stupid porn is more important than your dearly beloved wife?"

Kakashi weakly coughed. "Of-Of course not-"

Sakura smiled again, flashing her pointy teeth. "Then I don't see anything wrong with collecting my spoils today," she said softly, and Kakashi nearly cried right then and there.

Meanwhile:

"Keep it up, Teme, you're doing great," Naruto whispered into Teme's ear, still embracing the boy. He could feel the other boy's aversion prickling his skin like a thousand tiny icicles, but he held on tight. Survival was key, he repeated to himself. This was nothing. He made a mental note to take a shower as soon as he got back home in one piece. Assuming that Teme here didn't kill him first.

He squeezed tighter, which elicited a squeal from the giant woman-alien-being. He felt Teme's growl reverberate in his chest.

"Look, I don't want your cooties either. Just-just a little longer, and they'll let us go. Don't kill me yet." Naruto paused and closed his eyes. "Just-you have to do what I say, and Giant Pretty Woman will let us go."

Teme didn't move. "Are you sure?" The other boy hissed.

"Positive. It's foolproof," Naruto whisper-assured him. "Trust me, I've seen someone do this before. Works like a charm."

Teme grumbled again, but surely enough, very, very slowly, Teme jerkily lifted his arms in the air and returned Naruto's embrace.

"Kakashi, look!" Naruto heard the Woman gasp with glee, and he made a mental fist-pump. Point two for Team Naruto. He ignored the Uzumaki spirit that huddled in a small corner of his brain, dejected and forlorn.

The family tree would end here, the apparition bemoaned.

Shut up, he told it.

"Okay, Teme. Remember what I said."

Teme hesitated. "Are you really, really sure about this, dobe?"

"YES."

"...I haven't cried since my brother killed my entire clan when I was eight."

"So? Doesn't mean that you can't cry," Naruto snapped. "Look, I can't hold out for much longer. What's more important, Teme: your life or your dignity?"

When Teme didn't respond, Naruto knew that he'd won.

"Fine," the boy choked out after a pause. "But if this doesn't work, I am going to kill you very, very slowly," and Teme closed his eyes.

A few moments later, the Woman shrieked. "KAKASHI, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS I CAN'T EVEN-"

There was a very awkward moment of silence.

"He's...crying," the man commented.

"It's brotherly love! The power of friendship! Oh my god oh my godddd..."

Naruto grinned to himself.

Bingo.