Disclaimer: I do not own Shadowhunters or any of its characters. All right go to their respective owners

….

A/N: This is just a one-shot I wrote because I'm so heartbroken about everything that's going on and needed to get it off my chest. There is a happy ending :) Enjoy!

…...

"Alec? Hello? Alec?" Izzy said, going to him. He looked pale and sick. His eyes were red rimed and tears spilled down his cheeks. She put her hand on his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts with a start. He looked at her as if he couldn't figure out how she'd gotten there. "Alec?"

Alec did his best to put on a mask of calm as he looked at her. "Have you found Clary?" he asked, standing and going over to the window.

He looked out of it, purposefully keeping his back to her. His thoughts went back to Magnus. He'd asked him to stay. He'd kissed him, and though he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't help but his him back. It took everything he had not to stay. To tell Magnus he'd never leave. He wanted to hold him and tell him he would love him forever. Walking out that door was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

Izzy was going to ask him if he'd broken things of with Magnus, but she figured she already had her answer. She'd seen him sad before, she'd seen him hurt before, but never had she seen that look in his eyes. It was a painstakingly hard to see that kind of sorrow in his eyes. They seemed to burn with pain she couldn't even begin to understand.

"We have located her. But she's definitely under the influence of the twinning rune. We have a plan, but it's risky."

"Okay," Alec said, turning to her now. "Fill me in as we suite up."

"Ah whoa," Izzy said, putting herself between him and the door with her hand on his chest. "I don't think you should be out there big brother."

His dark brows pulled together in annoyance. All he wanted to do was fight. To take his pain out on something. Anything. "The last time I checked, I'm the head of this institute." He said the words with authority, but there was weariness behind it.

"Guy? What's going on?" Jace asked, poking his head in. He was anxious to get moving, because every second Clary was gone, his felt more fear for her. He couldn't, no, he wouldn't lose her again. He took in Alec's face as the two looked at him, and new immediately something was wrong. He'd felt that something was wrong with Alec, but he'd been so caught up in Clary, he'd put that on the back burner. But now that he was face to face with Alec, his heart sank. Their earlier conversation came back to his mind. "What did you do?"

Alec couldn't hold it together as he looked in Jace's eyes. He hurt so much he felt the weight of it would crush him. He thought about the hurt and confusion in Magnus' eyes and his heart skipped a beat. How could he have been the one to put that pain their? His eyes stung as more tears came, and the sob that escaped his throat surprised them all. "I did it for him!" he said, the words coming out like a plea. "Asmodeus said he'd give Magnus his powers back if I broke things off with him without telling Magnus of the deal! I'm the reason he lost his magic in the first place. I did it for him!" He sobbed again. "I did it for him."

Izzy hugged him, and was not surprise when Jace's arms where around him too. She cried silent tears because she didn't know how to help him. She wasn't sure any words could make an difference.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay," Jace soothed. He felt sick as he held his Parabatai. How had he not seen this? How had he not questioned Alec before as to why he'd ask such questions? He was too worried for Clary, but it was no excuse. Jace moved in closer when Izzy pulled away, holding on to his other half.

Alec pulled away, wiping at the tears. "You're right, Izzy. I shouldn't be in the field."

"Most definitely not!" Jace replied. "We can handle this."

"Jace is going to go in under cover. Make Clary and Johnathan believe he's deceiving the Clave. This way he can keep an eye on things, and see if there's any way to get her away from Johnathan. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to figure out how to get that damn rune off of her. Simon and Luke are here to help too."

"Good." Alec sniffed, but was composed. If someone were to walk in now, they wouldn't know he'd just had a meltdown. He was good at putting on a brave face. "I don't like the idea of you going undercover, but it's the best we've got. You be careful. I can't lose you too."

Jace nodded, taking Alec's arm. "I will be okay. I'm good at what I do." He meant to sound cocky, but he couldn't quite get there with the heaviness he felt. Clary was right. It felt like everything was falling apart.

Izzy and Jace were both hesitant to leave, but after a few moments of silence, they both left after giving half smiles to their brother.

Alec sat back down as he thought about what his siblings were doing. He had to get it together because he was needed. He opened his drawer, and saw the ring box. He's whole life flashed in his head. The one he'd wanted with Magnus. The possibilities they had. He wanted to be with Magnus forever, and now he would never know that future. Two days Ago he was excited about proposing to the love of his life. Tonight, he was an empty shell. Lost without his love.

Magnus didn't understand. Alec was not that selfish, and this break up made no sense. He walked numbly down the street, unsure of where he was headed. Unsure of what to do next. Pain was his companion. Alec's words played in his head. "Days ago I didn't know the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good." Alec's words were like a punch in the stomach.

Magnus lashed out angrily at a storefront window, and to his surprise, magic leapt from his hand, shattering the window into millions of tiny little pieces. He looked down at his hands, watching the sparks play at his fingertips. What? How? He used magic to fix the window, and was again surprised when it worked. This made no sense, and he was in no frame of mind to try to understand.

He stood there for what felt like forever letting the magic dance around his fingertips. He waited for the joy to come. Almost willed it to be there, but his magic couldn't fill the hole in his chest. "I can't," Alec had said. "I'm sorry." Alec had said the word without even looking at him. Tears slid down his cheeks as he made a portal. He looked at it, still feeling like he had whiplash. But it mattered not that his magic was back. He went through the portal, going to the only place he could think of.

Caterina was surprised, but happy to learn Magnus got his magic back, though she could tell by the look on Magnus' face that this was no relief to him. He'd shown up at her place, looking as though he'd suffered a great tragedy. He summand a drink before falling onto her couch. He never took a sip of the drink. And the Hollow look in his eyes alarmed her.

"I've known you a long time, Magnus. And never once have I seen you look like this. What happened? How did you get you're magic back?" She paused a minute. "Don't tell me you asked for another transfusion."

Magnus looked into the fireplace, watching the flames flicker as he spoke. "I have loved before. Everyone I've ever loved has meant something dear to me, and each loss was heartbreaking. Each lose took something from me." He stopped because his throat closed up on him and he had to keep back the sob that threated. "I have never loved the way I love Alec. I didn't know in all my years that the love I felt for anyone else was just a shadow of what I could feel."

Catarina sat now, her heart sinking. "Is Alec…dead?" she asked hesitantly. This side of Magnus worried her. Magnus dealt with lose and hurt by drinking. She would know how to deal with a heartbroken and drunk Magnus. But he was sober, and looked like he would break if she touched him now.

"No," Magnus choked out. He told her what happened, his words trembling. He couldn't seem to stop shaking.

Catarina sat there, unable to speak. Something felt wrong with the story. She didn't know Alec well, but she saw him when Magnus almost dead. Heard him beg Magnus to stay with him. Watch true fear in his eyes as Magnus lay in the bed unmoving. How could this be? "It's sudden," she simply said. "Magnus, this makes no sense."

"Please, Catarina," Magnus said, standing. "I just need a place to sleep." He couldn't talk about this. Didn't want to even think about this. He never wanted to think of Alec Lightwood again.

Catarina stood too. "The guest room is always open to you. Madzie will be glad to see you. If you plan to be here in the morning?" She was trying to figure out if he planned on being here in the morning. She didn't want him by himself in this state.

"Certainly. Thank you." Magnus put down his drink. He didn't want it. He felt like a ghost as he made his way to the guest room. With a snap of his fingers he was in night pants. He should be happy about his magic's sudden reappearance, but without Alec he was still missing a big part of him. Somehow a bigger part of him.

Magnus laid down, but sleep never came. Instead, memories of Alec tortured him all night. He wanted to yell. He wanted to scream out as the pain felt so unbearable. It felt like he was going to tear in half with the agony. Instead he sobbed as quietly as he could because Catarina was probably worried as is, and if he started screaming, he wasn't sure he'd ever stop, and that would scare Madzie.

"You really should sleep," Simon said as Izzy sat. Her eyes were dark with exhaustion. They'd been at this for two days and Izzy wasn't giving up.

"I don't have time to sleep," Izzy countered. She knew he was right, but that didn't matter. She needed to figure this out.

"Izzy, I want Clary back too, but you're no good to us if you can't think straight. You need to sleep. Please."

Izzy shook her head, but she was smiling. "You really are a great guy, Simon. Did you know that?"

Simon smiled that cute dorky smile she adored. "Yeah well," he said with a shrug.

"You promise to wake me as soon as this is done analyzing?"

"Promise," Simon agreed.

Izzy kissed his cheek before heading to Alec's office. She wanted to give him an update, and tell him that Jace had been in touch. Everything was okay on his end. Bumpy and he suspects Jonathan knows something is up, but okay none the less.

She knocked before going in. Alec was at his desk, looking so lifeless. She could tell he'd been crying. She thought about the night before when she'd heard him scream for Magnus. She'd just been passing his room on her way to her own when he screamed. He'd been dreaming.

"What's up?" He asked, putting on a brave face, and keeping his tone light. He might have been able to fool someone else, but she knew he wasn't okay. How could he be?

"I've got heavenly fire in the analyzer. We should know in a couple hours if it's stable enough to use, and if it will work. I'm going to get a few hours of sleep. Simon will wake me when it's done. And Jace has checked in. He's okay."

"Good," Alec said with a nod.

"Alec…"

"Don't, Iz. Please?"

Izzy nodded. "Okay." She turned to walk away, but couldn't. "Maybe you should tell Magnus."

"I can't," he said cutting her off. If I tell him, he'll lose his magic. Asmodeus said if I tell Magnus, the deals off."

Izzy left feeling defeated there had to…Wait. She stood in the always as the idea struck her. He said Alec wasn't allowed to tell Magnus about the deal. But he'd said nothing about someone else telling him about the deal. Right? But what if she was wrong? What of learning about it from anyone was breaking the deal? Had he been specific?

Izzy walked back to the command center. She couldn't sleep now. She was lost in thought when she ran into a very angry Caterina. "Hey. You okay?"

Catarina looked baffled. "Am I okay? Magnus is spiraling. His heartbroken. I've come here to give your brother a piece of my mind."

Izzy stopped her. "Wait! Alec his hurting too. But he did this for Magnus' own good."

"And how is Magnus' suffering for his own good? I've never seen him in such agony before." Her word were sharp.

Izzy crossed her arms. "Same for Alec." Izzy told Catarina about Asmodeus' deal with Alec, and Catarina sighed and shook her head looking tired.

"What a fool," Catarina said, rubbing her temples. "He's a good man, Isabel. That's a hard choice to have to make."

"I don't know if it would break the deal for someone else to tell him. I was just thinking about this." Izzy said.

Catarina nodded. "I think he needs to be given the choice to know. He will not survive this, Isabel. He needs to know."

Magnus couldn't take it. He couldn't take the memories and the pain that followed. He tried to take away he own memories, but he couldn't do it. He had contemplated just leaving New York. Stay away for the next sixty years or so, but the memories. The goddamn memories would follow him wherever he went.

He stood in front of Brother Zachariah feeling unsure and sure about this at the same time. "I need you to take my memories of Alec. I can't stand the loss of him. It hurts too much."

"Taking away memories is a painful process. To forget someone you love…"

"There's nothing more painful than what I feel know. Please. I know the risks."

"Magnus, are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes," Magnus replied, his voice breaking. He thought of the first time Alec had kissed him. The first time Alec told him he loved him. Their first date that hadn't gone so well. Their second date that had gone extremely well. The night Alec broke his hear. Tear slid down his cheeks. "I'm sure."

"Wait!" Izzy yelled as she and Catarina ran from the portal.

Magnus looked at her, a fresh wave of pain overtaking him. "What are you doing here?" He meant to sound angry, but he sounded defeated.

"There's something you should know. But if I tell you, you might lose your magic."

Magnus looked at Catarina. He wasn't up for this. "What are you talking about?"

"Understand, that knowing this could make you lose your magic. You need to decide if the truth is worth that possibility." Izzy added. She needed him to understand that this was a risk.

He was confused. "What truth?"

"Is it worth your magic?" Izzy asked again.

"I understand that I could lose my magic! What are you talking about?"

"Magnus, think about this," Catarina said forcefully. "Alec broke up with you."

"Yes," Magnus interrupted, fresh pain on his face. "I don't need reminding."

"Just listen!" Izzy said desperately. "My brother LOVES you! He broke up with you. What else happened on that night?" Before coming here, She and Catarina decided they needed to try to get Magnus to guess at what was going on.

Magnus felt exhausted, but he could see the look of importance in Izzy's eyes. "He…broke up with me. I was walking home when I discovered my magic was back. I went to…" His eyes narrowed. He looked up at them now, as his brain tried to piece it together. He hadn't been able to think much about the reappearance of his magic. Was the two somehow related?

"Alec broke up with you, and you got your magic back. He said earlier that day he had a meeting with the clave, but he didn't. He met with someone else. " Izzy prompted. "He was afraid you'd resent him. He hated to see you in so much pain. He would do anything for you, Magnus."

Magnus felt anger replace the pain as everything came together. "He contacted my father?"

Izzy was relieved, but still nervous for Magnus' magic. "Yes."

Magnus' jaw clenched. "He gave me back my magic, but only because Alec broke up with me." This wasn't a question, and the anger behind the words was so fierce it seemed like it could actually burn someone. "That foolish man," Magnus said. "How could he think I'd choose my magic over him?"

"He figured you'd move on. You've loved before, and you'd love again." Izzy replied softly. Magnus was crying, but these were tears of relief and maybe some anger. "He wanted what was best for you."

"He's what's best for me."

"Go to him, Magnus. He's hurting. So bad."

Magnus' heart broke at this. His own sadness was one thing, but Alec's sadness seemed far worse. He was nervous as he turned to make a portal. When it worked, he smiled the first smile in days. He was going to go kiss the love of his life, and then have some choice words with his father.

Alec stood in his room feeling sick. He'd fallen asleep at his desk and figured he'd might as well go to bed, but now that he was here, he wished he'd just stayed in his office. He looked at his bed, remembering how it looked with Magnus in it. He's made love to Magnus in that bed. He'd woken up, and laid there watched Magnus sleep, marveling over the fact that Magnus was his. He laid in that bed, Magnus' head on his chest, feeling like the luckiest man in the world.

He cursed has the tears came. He sat on the bench at the end of his bed and buried his face in his hands. How was he ever going to get through this? How was he going to stay away from Magnus forever? He had almost left to find Magnus a few time. To tell him that he was selfish for telling him about the deal, but he couldn't do this anymore.

But he wasn't selfish, and he couldn't do it. He couldn't take away Magnus' magic again. He couldn't be the reason Magnus was so unhappy. And Magnus would move on. He would be happy again. Whole.

Alec Jumped to attention when his bedroom door flew open and Magnus strolled in looking pissed. "How dare you think, for one second that my magic is more important than you!" He saw the tears in Alec's eyes and wanted to kill his father.

Alec swallowed hard. His heart fluttered at the sight of Magnus, and it took everything he had to keep his feet planted where they were. He didn't have time to recover before Magnus crossed the room, closing the door with magic, and kissed Alec. Alec started to kiss him back, but pulled away quickly. "Magnus, I told you…"

"I know about the deal you made with my father." Magnus looked pained. "I love you, Alexander. And I would never take my magic over you. Ever."

Alec's heart swelled with love. He pulled Magnus to him, kissing him so passionately it made both of their head swim. "I didn't want you to hate me," he said between kisses.

Magnus pulled back, taking Alec's face in his hands. "I could never hate you, Alexander. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You are my WORLD."

Alec smiled before crushing his lips back to Magnus'. He held Magnus to him, afraid that this was all a dream. "I love you." he placed another kiss on Magnus' lips. "I love you," he said again, placing a kiss on Magnus' nose. "I love you." he said once again, kissing Magnus' cheek.

Magnus smiled as he put his hand on Alec's cheek. "I love you, too. I love you forever."

Alec put his forehead on Magnus'. "I'm sorry. I never meant to put that look in your eyes. You have no idea how hard it was for me to walk out that door. I don't think I could ever do it again. I can't live without you, Magnus. I need you too much. I love you too much."

"I know, Alexander. While I think you were crazy to think I wanted my magic more than you, I'm touched that you would spend your life in pain just so I could have my magic."

"Alec moved so he could better see Magnus. "I would do anything for you. You are the best part of me. You are who I want to wake up to every morning. I want you. Through it all, the good the bad." He really wished he had the ring, but it wasn't important just now. He got down on one knee, pajamas and all. "Magnus Bane, will you marry me?"

The smile that spread on Magnus' face was joyous. "It will be my honor," Magnus replied. "I love you so much, Alexander." Magnus' so happy he could explode with it.

Alec smiled, taking Magnus in his arms. He couldn't find the words to explain how happy he was feeling. All he knew was the man he loved was going to be his, and there was no better feeling. His kissed Magnus softly, but it quickly turned urgent, and as they fell into bed, they both laughed.

They made love, letting these past days melt away. As they reconnected, it was like nothing had gone wrong in the first place. Lost in each other, the stresses of life melted away and all they knew was how the other felt pressed against them. The way the other tasted on their lips. How completely and totally in love they were. Together they were one. Together they were whole.