Chapter 54: Bonus Chapter - New Year Draco's Perspective

Author Note:

Someone wrote to me and requested this chapter from Draco's perspective. Sooo.. Tada! Enjoy :)

The New Year party was magnificent. Draco was a little smug of how well everything had turned out. He knew how to plan events. Narcissa would've been pleased. There had been more people at the Manor than he had seen in years. Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Ron, George, Percy, Bill, Fleur, Luna, Xenophilius, Neville, Alice, Frank, Kingsley, and the whole host of guests that Molly Weasley had planned to have at her home- Hagrid, Minerva, The Diggory's, Arthur's work friends, Weasley extended family, so many people he had never met. Andromeda even attended, although she had requested some time alone in his mother's room. She didn't seem to be in a celebratory mood. Draco understood. The presence of so many people distracted him a bit from the ache he still felt from losing his parents, but it also reminded him of that ache. Strange. The fiendfyre never destroyed the valley. Apparently, the magic in Narcissa's blood had erased much of the suffering from Luna's vision. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

Kissing Hermione at midnight for the first time had been well planned and executed. They had been secluded behind the waterfall- beyond everyone's eyes. Hermione had started to try to undress him. His heart pounded for it, but a vivid vision of her dropping to the ground paired with the sensation with equal intensity. He had to refuse.

Draco wasn't sure how much longer he could push her away. They both wanted it, hell, they both needed it by now, but his mind was cruel. Why couldn't he stop the visions of losing her? What was wrong with him?

Two weeks into the New Year, and it was starting to strain things between them. He had started sleeping on the couch, both at the Manor and the Burrow, because she started seducing him in his sleep. It was awful to wake up in the middle of the panic attack because his witch was trying to please him. He needed to figure this out. Draco had secretly ordered a few books to research the problem, but nothing they said was really helpful. Be honest with your emotions, give it time, don't feel pressured, let it happen, no need to rush. Fucking useless!

He decided to try anyway, but that made everything worse. They'd ended up half naked together, multiple times now, but either he'd told her he needed to stop because his chest was suddenly too tight, or he hadn't been able to get hard. That stung deeply. That stung in a way he had never known. It was humiliating to have her in his arms, and want her so badly, and feel his body to refuse to obey. Hermione was concerned about him and had softly asked him, more than once, to bring it up with Healer Thomas. She never demanded it, but the insistence was there. Reluctantly, he promised her. That was going to be grueling. How was he supposed to look a Healer in the eye and say he had this problem? He managed, a bit unwilling to admit all the details, but he forced himself to do it. Panic attacks, inability to get an erection, responding to Hermione in such a terrible way, the visions of her dropping to the ground, his nightmares… it was torture to feel this weak, but he had promised. Draco did not go back on his word.

Healer Thomas' response surprised him. The man had immediately given him a list with a variety of options to help- charms, potions- but had honestly said that most likely it would just take time. None of the options sat well with Draco. He didn't want to have to rely on a charm or a potion to be with Hermione. Her contraceptive potion was different- that prevented pregnancy. This… this would make him capable… but it wouldn't make him ready. What if he had a panic attack in the middle of something? That thought made him feel worse.

As if reading his mind, Thomas cautioned Draco that using something to make him capable of physically having sex wasn't going to stop the visions of losing her. Thomas had been there through everything, he had seen Lucius, and Narcissa, and Hermione, and Draco through all of it. He calmly explained that having a problem like this after all the stress Draco had been under for the past few years was completely understandable.

"Honestly, the wizarding war, then Azkaban, then the way your parents were attacked, your father's death, your mother's death, the shock of Hermione's attack, visiting her in that state week after week, and the energy spent waiting to heal her?" Thomas shook his head, hands out to the side, "Draco, I know it sucks, but it makes sense. It will get better, and you have to trust that your body and mind will work it out. Try to take it easy on yourself. It's only been a few weeks. It's going to take a little more time than that for your stress levels to balance themselves out."

The Healer hadn't made Draco feel less of a man for his problem. That was shocking to Draco. If anything, it eased the knot of guilt he felt in his stomach. He hadn't expected Thomas to at all helpful. Maybe that was why Draco impulsively had decided to ask for his help with Hermione's parents. Revealing one more stressor to Thomas had the man shaking his head at Draco. "After what you managed to pull off with the Crucio Healings, I'm game for any project you want help with… but I really wish you had talked to me sooner, Draco, we could've gotten you on some anti-anxiety potions so you didn't have to suffer. I was going to bring it up in November, but it almost looked like you had started taking them on your own." Thomas clapped him on the shoulder. "Sounds like that might be worth it, though. Minimal risk. How about we start you out on a small dosage and see if that helps at all? It won't fix things… but it might help minimize the impact of the panic attacks."

The potion helped. Draco was relieved. He became obsessed with the memory project for Hermione's parents. He'd even started to feel rushes of arousal and desire for Hermione again without panic attacks, with minimal rushes of memories tearing at him. Most of the time it was when she was sitting there, working on her notes for her parents. He was tempted to tell her the truth- but damn it he wanted to surprise her! In the very least, he could let her use that book from his family. Draco beamed at her every time he saw her working on it, and he had to hug and kiss her. The panic attacks were receding in intensity, just with those simple touches, just with the anti-anxiety potion. He'd gone to Healer Thomas and they kept working to adjust the dosage and strength slowly.

They also spent countless hours pouring over his notes and calculations. Thomas brought Amy into it, saying that he needed her brain. Draco suspected that Thomas had a strong desire to remain in a small room with the small witch. He didn't burst that bubble, though. The flirtatious energy between the two of them made him recall it between him and Hermione. He hoped the anti-anxiety potion would get to the right strength, and soon. He hoped they could figure this out and he could come home one night and drag her down to Australia to make it happen. Draco had to admit that he was more than a little obsessed with this project. It was eating up all of his time, and he missed his witch. She'd understand soon.

Soon wasn't soon enough. That night, close to midnight, his witch had asked him where he was going, what he was doing, why he was gone all the time. Draco didn't want to tell her. He tried to deflect it. Then, she'd forced him to promise to come home before midnight. That surprised him, but he could see she was anxious. He hadn't meant to do that… he just wanted to fix everything… it was a promise easily made. Keeping it would be a little tricky. Draco lost track of time when he got into projects like this.

Before he left for St. Mungo's the next morning, he pulled his old apparition clock from the drawer and set it to midnight. Hopefully that would ease her mind later. Maybe he should pick up some flowers or a book for her before he stopped at St. Mungo's... a book. That was more fitting. She calmed down when she was reading. Draco stopped by a bookstore before he made it to St. Mungo's and tucked something that looked interesting into his bag. Then, he, Thomas and Amy sat down to go through everything for the thousandth time. They were so damn close. There was going to be a breakthrough this week, he knew it, he felt it!

He was startled when Thomas warned him it was ten til midnight. He didn't want to quit working, but he needed to wrap things up before the apparition clock took him home. They walked out into the hallway.

"Come on, Draco, can't you stay just another hour?" Amy was bouncing on her heels. "It's so close!"

Thomas' eyes asked Draco to leave. So, the man was finally going to do something about that flirtatious energy, was he? About damn time. "Can't, my witch'll have my neck, Amy. Besides, I think you've got other plans tonight."

Thomas laughed. Amy suddenly reached up, took Draco's face in both hands and kissed him once on each cheek. "Maybe I do," she giggled. Draco's eyes went wide in shock. Amy turned and repeated the same gesture to Thomas. The two looked like they might go at each other right there in the hall. Draco felt a little awkward, and felt his face flush. That was a bit much for him at this hour.

Draco saw Hermione at the end of the hall. He froze. What was that face? She looked… hurt. Then the hurt went through several shifts of emotion, and he watched her turn and apparate away. Fuck. She was running away from him? Like she had run away from Ron when she was on the broom? In his gut, he knew this wouldn't end well. He had to stop her.

He appeared behind her and saw her wand raise to strike him. That was a surprise. Reflexively, he disarmed her and then, he flicked his wand. All the windows and doors slammed shut. Even the fireplace slammed closed so that the floo powder would be useless. He went to the bedside table, opened a drawer angrily, threw both their wands inside, slammed the drawer shut, then turned a key to lock it. His heart was pounding in his ears. Why was she this angry? Why was she trying to run? Why did she try to attack him? What had he done?

Draco had never seen her so cold to him. "Give me back my wand, Draco."

He crossed his arms over his chest, glaring coldly at her. "Absolutely not. I'm not letting you run away like this."

Her fists clenched at her sides. "I said, give it back!"

Draco's eyes never left hers as he shook his head no. "Not a chance."

Dark eyes narrowed and now she was stomping over towards him. "I wasn't asking! I'm telling you- you're going to give it back!"

He uncrossed his arms, stalking forward to meet her. "I have a better idea. You're going to stay here, and we're really going to fight this one out, Granger."

Fear bubbled in his chest at that look on her face. He had never seen this witch look so angry, and so hurt. This was bad. He had done something wrong. She just needed to tell him what it was. She didn't look talkative, though. He kept forward, and now she stepped back. That wasn't good. He should probably stop. He couldn't. He wouldn't. What if she pulled the door open to flee and discovered it was unlocked? He needed to keep her focused on him.

"Wands not allowed, doors stay locked til this is solved." Draco lied softly, hating the next sensation in his chest. It fucking hurt to say the next words. "Explain why you're trying to leave me." Her back hit the wall.

The words exploded out of her. "Draco, you're hiding something from me!"

The next lie was reflexive, too. "I am not!" Those eyes caught him. She knew it was a lie. Damn. That made it worse.

"Don't you dare!" Hermione hissed, narrowing her eyes at him, "Don't you dare try to lie to me!" His witch wasn't going red- she was going white. He had never, ever seen her this angry. "Explain why you've been going to St. Mungo's all the time- and why you blushed when Amy kissed you!" She was shaking with rage. "Did something happen between you two while I was stuck like that? Is it still going on? Is that why you won't touch me?"

His eyes widened in understanding, and disbelief. "What?! Are you insane?!" Relief punched him in the stomach. He laughed, the sensation loosening the knots of dread in his chest and gut. She had no idea that Thomas and Amy were likely moaning behind closed doors, right now.

That was a mistake, too. He couldn't win tonight. Hermione tensed and stomped her foot hard on the ground with her first three words, nearly getting his foot under hers. "Don't you dare laugh at me! I SAW you with her, just now at St. Mungo's!"

He tried to stop laughing unsuccessfully, and he tried to gently take her hand. He could fix this, it was going to be alright. It did not help that he found it kind of attractive that she was jealous. Saying that would probably just keep making things worse, though, so he decided to try to deescalate the situation. Draco began to explain. "Hermione, listen, you're jumping to conclusions-"

Hermione tore her hand out of his, yelling at him. "THEN TELL ME THE TRUTH, DAMN YOU!"

"I can't!" he roared back at her, still half laughing. Damn she was sexy when she was angry. That wouldn't be helpful to say, either. Her passion, her anger, surprisingly filled him with a rush of desire. He couldn't help teasing her a bit this time. "It's supposed to be a surprise, you fucking jealous witch!"

Hermione's eyes flashed at him. The next thing he knew, her hands held his face, one hand digging into his hair, and kissing him harder than she ever had- nearly forcing her tongue in his mouth. Draco stiffened as his body responded for the first time in weeks. He could feel himself starting to get hard. The relief that swept through him as his heart started to pound took his breath away. He pulled back, savoring the sensation, about to tell her when her fingers released his hair and- SMACK!

Her hand had smacked him across the face. Draco held his breath as he went rock hard in an instant. He caught her wrist and pinned it above her head, his laughter gone, a furious glint in his eyes. That had been a surprise, and he didn't entirely enjoy being hit in the face… but he definitely didn't entirely not enjoy it. Her other hand hit him, turning his face with the blow. He trapped that one too, frowning now. One cheek would bruise, he was certain. However, his body now trembled slightly with restrained desire. He needed her, he wanted her, and he wasn't sure how much he was going to be able to express in words. Plus, she was still furious. This wasn't the time for his body to respond. Then, Hermione gave him the last bit of fuel he needed. Her words tumbled, unrestrained, "Damn you, it's been months, Draco! I want you! I want you so much it hurts! Why are you making this so difficult?"

Well then, they were on the same page. Good. Draco's lips crushed to hers as he pushed her up against the wall with his body, a wonderfully familiar out of control sensation in his kiss. His strong hardness pressed against her thigh. The relief he felt at finally responding to her was clouding his senses. They needed to be naked. Now. He pulled away to tell her, but she opened her mouth first. "And another thing-"

He kissed her, more gently, squeezing her wrists softly. He needed her. She bit his lip and he pulled back quickly. "Not now! Get your hands off of me!" He released her immediately but didn't step away. She pushed at his chest to force him to back up, and stuck an angry finger at his face. "Don't you try that now, Draco Lucius Malfoy, I'm not done yelling at you!"

"Hermione, I can't fix everything at once!" He growled, unbuttoning his shirt and throwing it away from him. He stepped forward and her fingers curled against his undershirt. He kept his hands off her, but his lips brushed her ear as he continued in an angry hiss. His body was trembling slightly in restraint. He was finally ready for this, but he didn't have enough sense to explain it now. "How am I supposed to think about anything else, after hearing you say that? You can yell at me as much as you want after I fix this..." His teeth nipped at her ear, hoping she was just as frustrated as he was. Hermione put her hands on his belt and undid it rougher than she should've. "I don't care if you're ready for this or not, Draco, you had better finish what you're starting."

He was. He would. Merlin, he loved this side of his witch. Maybe he needed to make her angry more often. Maybe that was stupid. He just needed to get his hands on her now.

After they'd reconnected against that wall, on the couch and in bed, she'd forced him to tell her what he was being so secretive about. Draco hadn't given in willingly, but eventually he got up, gone to get a notebook from his potion lab, and laid it in her lap. He could've just summoned it… but he needed a moment to absorb everything. A delayed panic attack caught up with him at the lab. He could deal with that. It wasn't as bad as it normally was- but he did need to take a few minutes to breathe before going back to her.

When Hermione finished turning pages, she sat there, stunned, and had begun crying and apologizing intensely for overreacting and behaving so poorly. Draco had laughed at her again, but he'd also kissed her forehead, and asked her to promise him something for the first time.

"Granger… you better fight with me when you're mad. Lock up our wands, lock down this room, and hit me if you want to. Yell-scream-bite- I don't fucking care…" he kissed her temple, "...but promise me you'll never walk away again without a fight. Don't you try to run away from me like that, ever again." He put a finger to her lips for a moment before she spoke. "Only promise me if you mean it."

"You weren't home by midnight." Hermione growled irritably at him, frowning.

"It wasn't midnight!" Draco argued back immediately, searching the walls for the time. Hermione took his jaw and pulled it down, pointing to the one by their bed, then pausing in confusion. That one still had both hands pointed to midnight. Her forehead creased in confusion, and she slowly sat up, taking it in her hands and giving it a shake. "What?"

He half smiled and half frowned as it took it away from her, looking almost amused. "I forget that you muggle-borns don't know about so many things about the wizarding world. Hermione," he kissed her softly, shaking his head in amusement, a grin splitting his face as he shook the damn clock in his hand and spoke patiently. "You were reading my apparition clock. It would have automatically summoned me back here by midnight, if you'd given it a chance. I set it up today so you'd know I would keep my promise, even if just barely… I knew the meeting tonight could've run late. We're so close to figuring this out..." He rested his forehead against hers with a sigh, "What am I going to do with you, witch?"

She burst into tears, upset that she'd gotten everything so wrong, and that he had actually tried to show her everything was alright. At that point, Draco was back to laughing at her, although he did hold her close and kiss her and pull at her curls until the tears had finally stopped. Stop crying, you silly witch… he thought as he held her.

Not long later, she was falling asleep in his arms again. Everything was good. Everything was finally back to the way it was supposed to be. Draco's mouth felt a little out of control. Now that his body was under control, there was so much he needed to say! "Hermione…Are you awake?" She didn't respond, was she asleep? "Granger?" Silence.

Draco sighed, rested his head against the pillow and started talking non-stop. "Woman, I thought I lost you today. When I saw that look on your face, I wasn't sure there was any way to bring you back. I don't think I've ever seen anyone that angry. I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face the second I got back." This felt better. This felt good. He needed to be honest with her… but he wasn't entirely ready for that yet. It was easier to practice while she was asleep. "I'm still trying to figure out how to keep from lying to you… it's an old habit, and it's going to take a long time to kick it… but I'll always tell you what they are eventually. I told you one today- one you didn't call me out on… the door was never locked." He closed his eyes for a moment in relief. Telling the truth had always been harder than lies. Why was it different now? "You could've walked out anytime… Merlin, I'm glad you didn't, I'm still too afraid to tell you this… but it'll never be locked. You can always walk away if you need to… as long as you come back. I'm not beyond dragging you back, if I have to, but I hope you don't make me do that."

Draco relaxed then. Telling her the truth was… good. "I love you, witch…" he was falling asleep, his words unclear as he spoke, "…and I always will…"

For the first time in many months, he slept with sweet dreams brought on by nothing more than the feeling of his witch in his arms.