Author's Note: Hiya, Dilly-Oh here again with another parody. I'm still doing my Dragon Brat series but started doing this as well because I felt like it. Enjoy!

She-Blah

Episode One

The Bored: Part One

Amidst the stars, a shimmering planet with many moons hung in the darkness of space. On that planet, in a craggy, hollowed out rift was a twisted, jumbled fortress of machinery and ancient technology.

Alone in her room, a young girl was busily getting ready for the day. She pulled on her boots and yanked her blond hair back into a ponytail. A toothbrush in her mouth, she turned to glare over her shoulder at a punching bag with a printout of Disney Princesses taped on it.

"You looking at me, Sleeping Beauty?" she asked, narrowing her eyes as she spat in the sink. "I'll knock your ass out so hard you won't ever wake up." She rolled out a line of floss and started flossing her gums. "Jasmine, you're gonna have to use one of those three wishes after I send you to a whole new world." She slammed a leg up onto the sink and started shaving. "And Snow White? No Prince will wanna kiss you after I'm done with-"

*Bzzzrt!* The intercom buzzed on overhead. "Adora, stop talking to your punching bag and get to the training area already."

"Ugh, fine!" The girl punched the bag one last time, then turned and started for the exit. The bag came swinging back and hit her in the ass, sending her flying out the door. "Ow, SHIT- nobody saw that, right?" She scrambled to her feet and dusted herself off, then glared back at Mulan. "I'll make a man outta YOU-"

"NOW, Adora!"

"Ugh, FINE!" She jogged off down the hallway to a large room. Other cadets were lined up in a row, wearing similar gear, goggles and chest plates. One was a lizard, another a weedy-looking boy, and the final one a tough girl with dreadlocks.

"At attention, maggots!" The instructor, a weird blue spiky…thing, came strolling in, a computer pad in one hand. "Your simulation is about to begin. Here's your scenario." He pushed a button on his tablet and a holographic picture of woods popped up. "You're making your way through the treacherous Whispering Woods to reach the heart of the rebel insurgency: Bright Moon."

"Dammit, I was hoping for a coffeshop AU," someone muttered.

"Enemies-to-lovers for me," said another.

"Your mission is to defeat the Queen of the Princesses in the name of Lord Hordak." The instructor paused, glancing at the cadets. "Where's Catra?"

"She'll be here!" The blond girl said quickly. "She's probably...in the litter-box. Hang on, I'll call her." She pulled out a bag of cat-treats and shook it noisily, clucking her tongue a few times. "Huh, usually she comes running when I do that-"

"I hope she knows attendance is fifty percent of the grade," the instructor cut in. "Anyway. The Whispering Woods is filled with Princesses, vicious, violent instigators. They will kill you if given the chance, or worse…they'll break into song." The cadets all shuddered in horror. "Begin!"

"Yes, sir!" The blond girl saluted smartly before hesitating. "I mean…ma'am? …Thing?"

"GO!"

The cadets all dashed out into the training area, a much larger room filled with pillars. Round robots with legs, wearing dresses and tiaras, popped out from behind the pillars and began shooting lasers. Everyone ran behind cover, dodging and weaving.

"Follow me, guys!" The blond girl called, taking charge and waving the others over. They all ran together deeper into the room. One robot suddenly popped up and started firing. "Watch out!" She immediately grabbed the weedy-looking kid and used him as a body shield. He screamed in agony as the laser hit and fell to the ground, a big red X appearing on his chest plate.

"Dammit, Kyle!" the girl snapped angrily.

"I didn't do anything!" Kyle protested. "YOU did that! I think I cracked a rib!"

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you deserved it-"

The group looked up to see that they were surrounded by robots.

"Okay well now you definitely deserved it-"

"How is this MY fault?!"

"Don't worry, Kyle!" The girl assured him. "You're still useful…"

"Oh thank you so much I knew you wouldn't abandon me-"

"…As bait!" The girl stood up and cupped her hands around her mouth. "What's THAT, Kyle? You're secretly a PRINCE? Looking to MARRY? For LOVE, not MONEY?!" She kicked the boy away. "Run while they devour him alive!" She and the others ran, ignoring Kyle's terrified screams as the robots closed in.

The cadets hurried on, emerging in an open area of the training room. The panels beneath their feet turned red and began to drop into blackness.

"Man, they have really got to repair these shitty floors- oh no wait this is part of the training. Everyone watch out! The floor is lava! We've trained for this!" The blond girl moved quickly to keep her footing. From a large hole in the floor, a huge robot emerged, unfolding its legs and looming menacingly. A dainty crown was perched atop its head, a smear of lipstick and mascara on its front. "There she is! The Queen! I've got her!" She pulled out a retractable pole and jumped around the room, dodging lasers and smashing bits off of the robot. With one final swing, she sent it crashing to the ground beside the hole and fell back, winded.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late," a young cat-girl with bushy hair, red clothing, and cat ears and a tail stood there, holding a cup of coffee and donut. "Actually you know what, I'm not sorry at all, this is delicious." She took a nice, long sip. "Ahhhhh. So what'd I miss?" The cadets stared at her in disbelief. "What?" She glanced behind her and saw the robot teetering on the edge. "Oh." She paused, then did was cats do best: batted it off the edge. "You're welcome, losers. What would you suckers have done without me to save your sorry asses?"

"KYLE YOU PIECE OF SHIT-"

"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?!"

The panels beneath the blond girl suddenly turned red and dropped. She fell with a cry. The cat-girl sauntered over and peeked over the edge.

"Hey, Adora." She paused, then snorted. "Hang in there."

"Now is not the time for cat memes, Catra!" Adora glared up at her, hanging suspended from her pole.

"Okay, fine, I'll just leave-"

"Have I mentioned how much I love Grumpy Cat?" Catra laughed and reached down to pull her up. Once she was back on her feet, Adora brushed herself off and sighed. "I can't believe you showed up late and stole all of our hard work-"

"Oh hey by the way can I copy your homework-"

"Okay, never mind, I totally believe it."

"Training exercise successfully completed," the intercom buzzed. "Get the fuck out."

-Later-

Afterwards, Adora was changing in the locker room. She sighed as she pulled off her gear and opened her locker.

"Hey, Adora."

"Gah!" Adora jumped back. "How did you even FIT in there?"

"Ha!" Catra snickered, hopping out of the locker. "You should've seen the look on your face. It was hilarious. So goofy. Look, you're doing it now!" Adora glanced at the mirror.

"…That's just my normal face-"

"Exactly! Now come on, let's hit the showers!" Catra grabbed her and started licking her cheek.

"Ew! Gross, Catra! Get off!"

"Uh, you're welcome, I was helping you exfoliate-"

"You need to grow up!" Adora grumbled, pulling on a red jacket and cinching her belt. "You are SO juvenile- ohmigosh a mouse!"

"FFFTTTT!" Catra snarled, whirling around with claws out and launching herself at-

Kyle.

"…He deserved that, too," Adora said over the screams. "Seriously, why are you in the girl's locker room? Creep."

"Adoraaaaaa…" A sinister woman in red robes and a mask slithered out from the shadows, hissing. The girls gasped aloud and drew back. "How was training, sweetie? Are you hungry? I packed you a lunch. You're my big, growing girl!"

"Shadow Weaver!" Adora saluted her, then opened the lunchbox. "Ooh, Lunchables!"

"Sweet, is that tuna-"

"No! Bad kitty!" Shadow Weaver whipped out a spray bottle and sprayed Catra right in the face. She jerked back, hissing. "It's for Adora! Do you see Meow Mix in there? No? Then it's not for you! Keep your paws off!" Her sharp tone suddenly softened. "Adoraaa, walk with me." Adora glanced apologetically at her friend, slipped her the tuna, and hurried out after the woman. The two began to walk down the fortress hallway.

"Lord Hordak has been watching you," Shadow Weaver said, "and he is very- hold my hand, sweetie, we're crossing the hallway- impressed with your abilities. Your report card was very good this semester, and you're on the honor roll! You know what that means—ice cream party! He thinks you will make a fine candidate for Class President- I mean…Force Captain."

"Ohmigosh REALLY?" Adora's eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Yessss," Shadow Weaver answered proudly, "he sees great promise in you. In fact, he is giving you the responsibility of leading a squadron against the rebel fortress of Thaymor! Isn't that nice? You'll have to send him a Thank-You card! I have the perfect stickers just for it!"

"You mean…I finally get to go on a field trip?!" Adora gasped in delight. "I'll see active duty?! I'll finally be able to actually punch someone in the FACE? I mean, someone other than the other cadets, mostly Kyle. Ooh, Catra is going to be so psyched!"

"YOU are going," Shadow Weaver cut her off short. "THEY are not. I only signed your permission slip, sweetie, not theirs."

"But…" Adora slumped, disappointed. "But the others have been working so hard- well, not Catra, she just sleeps in and comes in late and steals all of our hard work- but she really does want to get out there and show everyone what she's capable of-"

"Catra is flunking all of her classes," Shadow Weaver cut her off again. "She has spent more time in detention than in actual class. Plus I think she's smoking catnip. That cat-girl is a bad influence. This is what I raised you for, Adora." She raised her hands and in a puff of smoke, a badge appeared. She held it out. "Now is your time to prove yourself. I saw talent in you the moment I found you as an orphan child and you punched me in the face. Isn't this what you have wanted since you were a child?" She gestured out the window at the view of the sinister fortress around them.

Adora stood there for a long moment, staring off into space as she reminisced…

"I wanna be a Power Ranger!" Five-year old Adora cried excitedly. Then she ran into a wall.

Adora blinked, coming back to herself in a rush.

"…Yup. Definitely. This is definitely what I want." She took the badge and stuffed it in her pocket.

"With you at the forefront, we will crush the Bright Moon rebellion once and for all! Do NOT disappoint me." Shadow Weaver paused, her words heavy with dark intent. "Dinner is at seven! I'm making spaghetti and meatballs. Don't be late, sweetie! Tee-hee!" She slithered off back into the shadows, hissing lowly.

"Okay, bye mom!" Adora called after her, waving. She stood there for a long moment. "…I trust her completely!"

"You're a fucking idiot," the intercom buzzed.

-Elsewhere-

Meanwhile, at a beautiful fortress at the bottom of a cascading waterfall, a young girl with short pink hair, wearing purple shorts and cape waited nervously at the entrance to the throne room.

"Send her in," a voice called from inside. The girl took a deep, steadying breath and began to walk into a round hall, which was ringed with robed guards holding staffs. She walked elegantly, the picture of grace and-

"Sweetie, stand up straight, you're slouching-"

"Mom!"

"I'm serious, Glimmer! Good posture is important. It makes your breasts look bigger." The Queen, a tall, willowy woman with long hair and wings sat on a raised throne. "Now, care to explain yourself? Why did you lead the rebellion into a fight after I ordered you to retreat? Were you selflessly trying to save a village from the Horde and be a hero to the common people of our land?"

"No, actually. I was pissed and didn't want to listen to you."

"Glimmer!"

"Come on, mom!" Glimmer threw up her arms. "How are we ever going to defeat the Horde if all we do is run away?! Pretty soon there won't be anything left for us to defend! Why'd you even make me a Commander if you won't let me fight?!" She paused. "Is this even REAL?" She lifted up her Commander badge.

"Of…of course it is," the Queen began weakly. Glimmer continued glaring at her in silence. "…Alright, no, it isn't. I got it from a cereal box."

"I can't believe you!"

"Darling, I know you're upset and crampy because you're on your period-"

"MOM! Oh my GOD!"

"Do not raise your voice at me, young lady!" The Queen pointed off to the side. "Go to your room! You're grounded!"

"WHAT?! That's bullshit!"

"Don't backtalk me! You know how I hate fighting in front of the guards, it upsets them-"

"I dunno," one guard spoke up, "I kinda think you're being a little unfair-"

"You shut your mouth unless you want to be grounded too!" The guard quieted immediately. The Queen pointed again. "Now! Go to your room!"

"FINE!" Glimmer exploded, storming off in a huff.

"And pick up your feet, I can hear them dragging from here!" The Queen called after her. Glimmer stomped harder. "That's better!"

-Back with Adora-

Back at the Horde fortress, Adora stood outside on a terrace, brooding over her Force Captain badge.

"Hey, Adora." Catra popped her head up from beneath the railing. Adora screamed and threw herself backwards. "What's that you got there? Another gold star sticker from your mom?" She snatched the badge out of Adora's hands and hopped up out of reach on a pipe.

"No, wait! Give that back!" Adora jumped to her feet. "Dammit, I have no treats to trade for it-"

"No way! You got promoted?!" Catra gasped. "You Teacher's Pet! This is great! Now we're going to see the world and conquer it!" Her eyes shone with glee. "I am going to punch. So. Much. SHIT."

"Um, sorry," Adora cut her off awkwardly, "but Shadow Weaver says…you're not invited."

"What?! Why not?!" Catra's fur ruffled in outrage. "Seriously, what's her problem with me?!"

"Well you did scratch up her couch and favorite drapes-"

"No, it must be Kyle's fault." Catra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm totally gonna puke in his shoes later." She looked away, upset, and began climbing the pipe.

"Hey, wait, Catra! Come back, don't go up there!" Adora called. It was too late. Catra had already climbed up and out of reach.

In her cat-tree.

"I never should have bought you that," Adora muttered to herself. She sighed and went to join her, sitting at the base of the tree, Catra hanging half in/half out of the top. "I'm sorry, Catra. I didn't know you wanted to be a Force Captain."

"I don't," Catra sniffed irritably. "Here, take your stupid badge." She tossed it back. It sailed over the edge of the railing and went pinging all the way down. "...I'm not going to get that."

"It's fine, I'll have her make me another." Adora looked up at her. "Come on, I've been working for this my entire life, can't you be happy for me?"

"I thought you wanted to be a Power Ranger."

"…I told you that in confidence-"

"I just wanna get OUT of this dump before I die of boredom," Catra groaned, flopping over dramatically. "Or before they have me fixed. I mean, I don't even KNOW what's outside the Fright Zone, anyway." She paused for a moment. "Probably a Mcdonalds." Adora snorted, then looked up at her friend with a wry smile.

"…Wanna go stare at the corner for no reason to freak people out?"

"Naw, I'm not in the mood."

"…Wanna get high on catnip and steal a skiff?"

"Fuck yeah."

-One Stolen Skiff Later-

"Holy shit, you're awesome! I can't believe you stole this!" Catra cried, the two of them riding through the wide, empty desert aboard a small vehicle with a sail.

"I didn't steal it, I borrowed it," Adora corrected her.

"I'm pretty sure when you knock someone out it's stealing."

"He's going to get it back!"

"As well as his higher brain function, too, I hope."

"I didn't hit him that hard!"

"I take back everything I said to the others about you being a huge nerd!"

"Hey, thanks, that really- wait what did you say about me?"

They zoomed over the sand, driving through craggy peaks, the brilliant sunset washing the sky in front of them a deep red.

"Let me drive!" Catra said, grabbing the steering stick.

"Wait I don't have liability insurance I'm not covered for this-"

Almost immediately, they began to lose control of the vehicle as they fought over the controls. They barely managed to screech to a halt at the edge of a thick wood with winding trees and hanging vines.

"Whoa…what is this place?" Catra asked in a hushed voice.

"I think this is the Whispering Woods," Adora whispered back. "There are monsters in there, and every Horde squadron that's entered have never returned-"

"Pffft, why would they call it the Whispering Woods, that's the dumbest name I've ever heard-"

"Says the cat that's named Catra," the woods whispered back.

"What did you say to me?!"

"I said…biiiiitch-"

"That's it! You're gonna get it!" Catra seized the steering stick again, charging the skiff deeper into the woods. "Say that to my face!"

"I can't believe you're actually fighting with a forest!" Adora shouted, struggling to regain control of the vehicle. They crashed through branches and scored tree trunks in their mad flight. "Slow down! We're going to-"

They sideswiped a tree and Adora went flying, tumbling off the skiff and landing heavily in a shrub.

"…That. We're going to that." Her eyes rolled up and she flopped over, unconscious.

-Later-

A while later, Adora slowly sat up, groaning. She spat out a mouthful of leaves and looked at her surroundings blearily.

"Ugggh I'm totally going to lose my driver's license- Catra? Hello?" She glanced around, but saw no sign of her friend. "I swear to God she better not be stuck in a tree again. That'll be, like, the third time this week I have to call the Fire Department." Suddenly she gasped at the sight of a shining sword tangled in a nest of roots, a shaft of light shining down on it. "Whoa, cool!" Adora got to her feet and walked closer, her eyes gleaming with interest. Unable to resist, she slowly reached out a hand to- "Psych! You seriously think I'm dumb enough to touch something that looks magical? Get real! How stupid do you think I am?" She snorted and turned to walk away, tripped on one of the roots, pin-wheeled her arms for a second, then fell on her face. One flailing hand hit the sword's pommel, and it exploded with light. Adora shrieked as strange images bitch-slapped her mind, accompanied with a mysterious voice.

"Balance must be restored," the voice intoned. "Etheria must seek a hero." The voice paused. "Thank you for your order, please drive around to the next window." Adora could hear a baby crying and saw strange people and places, as well as a few Superbowl ads and a creepy clown making balloon animals- wait what- finally, she saw a vision of a female warrior with long, flowing hair and a gleaming sword that she could have sworn-

"Adora," the voice said. "Adora…hey, Adora!"

Adora's eyes popped open. Catra sat on her chest, batting at her face with one hand.

"Finally. I thought you were dead." Catra pouted. "Feed me."

"Can't…breathe!" she wheezed out.

"Oh, sorry." Catra hopped off of her. "You okay? Did you hit your head? Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?" She held up her middle finger.

"Okay that's not even funny-"

"Yup you're totally fine." Catra rolled her eyes. "Still the same old tight-ass."

"I do squats!"

"Not what I meant. Anyway, did you get the license plate of whoever we hit? I'm taking that asshole to court-"

"It was a TREE!"

"Oh." Catra blinked. "…Well then I'm chopping that bitch down and then taking it to court-"

"Are you sure you're not the one who got brain damage?" Adora sat up, scowling. "Wait, where is it where, did it go?!" She looked around desperately. "There was a sword here, I swear! I touched it and it got super bright and then there was a clown and he took balloon animal requests and I asked for a GIRAFFE-"

"Alright, I think you've had too much catnip," Catra cut her off, helping her up. "C'mon, let's go home."

"You snorted all the catnip, I'm totally clean!"

"Okay then, let's see you walk a straight line and follow my middle finger-"

They continued arguing all the way back to the skiff, which was double-parked and had a ticket stuck under the wiper.

"I am NOT paying this!" Adora snatched the ticket off and tore it in half, the two of them boarding the skiff to begin the long drive back to the Horde Fortress. "My insurance rate better not go up because of this…"

"Yeah, that's right, leave, bitch-"

"You MOTHER-" Catra tried to grab the steering stick again.

"Don't you dare!" Adora hollered.

-Back at Bright Moon-

Back at Bright Moon, a mysterious figure snuck closer to the castle through the surrounding woods, moving quietly and stealthily, sticking to the shadows. They stopped at the edge of the trees, where a cliff created a natural moat around the fortress, and began spying on the Princess through a circular window. Inside, Glimmer sulked in her room, laying on a couch with pillows while writing in her diary.

"I know that mom loves me, but sometimes she's too controlling and I feel bad. I just wish that she would have more faith in me as her daughter and allow me the freedom to act as I choose." She sighed and sat back. "Okay, that's enough for my decoy diary that Mom will find and read. Time for my real one." She tossed the fake diary aside and pulled out her real one. "Dear diary. Mom's a bitch."

The shadowed figure readied an arrow, aiming it with deadly accuracy. Once the target was sighted, the arrow was released, shooting through the window and hitting it dead-center. Glimmer screamed-

"PRINCESS PEE-PEE NOOOO!"

One of her stuffed animals was pinned to the wall, impaled by the arrow. She tore it free and stomped over to the window.

"I told you to stop doing that, Bow!" She hissed. She held up her disemboweled stuffed hamster. "Look, you killed Princess Pee-Pee!"

"Oh my God! I'm a murderer!" The stranger, an adorable young man in a crop top, belt and boots, burst into tears. "I'm SO sorry! We'll have a funeral for her and everything! I'll order a casket and some lovely flowers-"

"Stop shouting!"

"What?"

"Shh!" Glimmer leaned further out her window. "Be quiet! I'm grounded!" Bow pulled out a loudspeaker.

"WHAT?"

"Argh!" Glimmer teleported over to him in a cloud of sparkles, grabbed his arm, and teleported back into her bedroom.

"...I think my underwear is on backwards now," Bow stated after a pause.

"Oh my God, speaking about panties in a twist, I'm SO mad at Mom right now-"

"Is this about how we snuck out last week to go clubbing because I told her that it was the bake club-"

"You told her about that?!" Glimmer gaped at him in disbelief. "She grounded me after I refused to give up my chocolate-chip cookie recipe!"

"Oh." Bow winced. "Sorry. My bad."

"Anyway, I'm talking about that botched battle. I was just trying to prove myself! I don't understand why she gets so mad. It's just not fair." She teleported up to her hanging bed and went on as Bow began to tidy up her room. "She acts like I can't do anything because I'm just a Princess!"

"Uh, everyone here is a Princess," Bow said, then paused. "I'm, like, the only one who isn't." He paused again. "Which is ridiculous because I look great in a dress."

"Why doesn't she trust me?!"

"Maybe it's because your teleporting powers aren't that great?" Bow said cautiously.

"What?! You take that back!" Glimmer glared down at him, then disappeared in a cloud of sparkles. She was gone for several moments, then finally reappeared next to him, dripping wet.

"...You fell in the river, didn't you."

"Shut up!"

"You have a fish in your hair." Bow paused while folding her underwear. "Are you grumpy cuz you're on your period-"

"Not you too!"

"Well, don't worry, cuz I've got just the thing to cheer you up! Here, this'll be sure to impress your mom!"

"Bow, please, not more cookies-"

"No, this!" He pulled out a small gadget with a lit-up screen. "I've detected a piece of First One tech in the Whispering Woods! Let's go get it for her!"

"Did you forget I'm grounded-"

*Knock knock*

"Glimmer? Are you in there?" Queen Angella called from the other side of the door. "My mother senses are tingling. Also I installed several cameras and a baby monitor. Is there a boy in your room?" Glimmer choked, panicking, and grabbed hold of Bow, teleporting away. They appeared in the lady's bathroom to the accompaniment of several high-pitched screams, mostly from Bow. Glimmer let him go and teleported back to her room.

"Everything's fine, Mom!" she called. "Go away! I'm, like, super crampy! My flow is like…really heavy today!"

"I heard voices! Is someone in there with you?"

"No, Mom! I was…practicing kissing on pillows and other girl stuff! Can you leave me alone now?"

"Well, all right. Make sure to work the tongue, that's the secret to a good kiss-"

"Mom! That's gross!"

"Watch your tone, young lady! You listen to me when I am giving you tips-"

After a few minutes of yelling, Glimmer teleported back into the lady's bathroom.

"I'm in- are you peeing in there?"

"Be out in a minute," Bow said from inside the stall.

-Back at the Horde Fortress-

Inside the sinister fortress, the cadets were all fast asleep in their spare bunks. Adora also lay in bed, Catra curled up on her feet. Adora twisted and turned in her sleep, plagued with images of the strange woman and sword from earlier. Suddenly she jerked awake, sitting bolt upright and screaming her head off.

"AAAAAAA- how did that not wake anyone up oh wait that's how we always wake up here. It's perfectly normal." She blinked, then looked down at her friend still sleeping on her feet. "Aww." With great care, she replaced her feet with a small cardboard box, which Catra immediately curled up in, slipped out of bed, and pulled on her jacket and boots. Checking behind her one last time, she snuck towards the door and opened it.

"Hey, Adora."

"GAH!" Adora jumped back, face-to-face with Catra. "What- how did- but you were just over-" She sighed in resignation. "I don't even want to know."

"Where you going?" Catra asked, cocking her head.

"Uh…the bathroom."

"No she's not," the intercom interrupted. "She's a lying bitch."

"Shut the fuck up- okay, fine! You got me. I'm going back to the woods." Adora brushed past her. Catra frowned.

"Adora, if you have to take a dump, you can just use the bathroom down the hall. Or use my litter-box, I told you I don't mind."

"What? No! That's not why I-"

"Oh, it's not?" Catra huffed and rolled her eyes. "Look, you don't have to go beat up that tree for me. I told you it was okay, I'm not angry anymore-"

"That's not why either- LISTEN! I'm just…going on a walk in the woods, okay? Alone. In the middle of the night." She paused for a beat. "…With no-one else around-"

"You're acting weird," Catra leaned in close. "Are you sure you don't have brain damage? Let me see your pupils. How many middle fingers am I holding up?"

"STOP." Adora shoved her away. "I told you, I'm fine. I'll be back before you know it. Just stay here, okay?" She waited for a moment, then glared up at the ceiling. "A little help, here?"

"Ugh, fine," the intercom grumbled. "Catra, report to…anywhere other than here. There's, like, a can of Fancy Feast or something for you." Catra gasped in delight and went scurrying off down the hall. "You owe me, bitch."

"Yeah, uh-huh, sure thing," Adora muttered under her breath. "Not."

"I heard that."

"OKAY I'M LEAVING GAWD."

-In the Whispering Woods-

Meanwhile, Glimmer and Bow were wandering the Whispering Woods, tracking the strange signal with the help of Bow's gadget. Or, rather, trying to.

"This darn thing isn't working!" Bow said in frustration, giving it a shake. "I'm not picking up anything!"

"Let me see it!" Glimmer took the tablet from him and frowned at the screen. "Tracking hot singles in your area- BOW!"

"Sorry! It must be acting up again."

"EW oh my God you just got a text from another single and it's a dick pic gross!" She flung it away in disgust.

"Glimmer, no!" Bow cried. "We need that to find the signal-" An eerie glow suddenly lit up from behind a line of trees. "…Or we could just follow that."

Elsewhere in the forest, Adora was also walking through the trees, muttering to herself under her breath.

"Seriously, what are you doing out here, girl, Catra is right, this is crazy, there's no sword, you didn't see any weird images and you should just go home and forget about all of this before that creepy clown shows up again and starts making those balloon animals-" She stopped when she saw a strange glow in the trees up ahead. "…Or I could just follow that." She cautiously pushed past some large leaves and gasped as she caught sight of the glowing sword in the clearing, just as she remembered it. "A-ha! I knew that you were real! I knew I wasn't crazy! Alright, start talking!" She paused. "…I'm interrogating a sword I am crazy."

Glimmer and Bow walked out from behind a bush, entering the clearing as well.

"Bow, will you put that stupid thing down already?"

"No! When you threw my tracker you accidentally sent a kissy-face to that creep and now he won't stop sending me dick pics-"

The pair looked up, saw Adora, and the three of them froze in place.

"Princess!" Adora cried, alarmed.

"Horde soldier!" Glimmer shot back.

"…Bow!"

The standoff went on for a few more seconds, and then Glimmer just started screaming. Bow joined in a moment later.

"AAAAAA- why are we screaming- AAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAA- I don't know, confuse her with sound- AAAAAA!"

Adora bolted for the sword, but Glimmer was too fast for her. She teleported to the weapon, snatching it up and hurling it towards Bow.

"Bow, catch!"

Bow screeched and dodged out of the way, narrowly avoiding losing his head. The sword stabbed harmlessly into a tree.

"…Right. Sorry." Glimmer blinked. "Probably wasn't such a good idea to throw a sword at you."

"You should've thrown it at her!"

"Just give me the sword!" Adora shouted, making another run for the weapon. "Stay back! I don't wanna hurt you!" Glimmer teleported in the way again, throwing a fistful of glitter in her face. Adora shrieked. "Agh, right in the eyes! That's going to take forEVER to get out of my hair, too! Okay, changed my mind! Definitely want to hurt you now!"

The three of them collapsed in a heap, all of them struggling to claim the sword. Adora growled and reached for it.

"Get OFF of me you heartless- are you tickling me?"

"I show no mercy!" Bow cried. "Look away, Glimmer! I'm going for her weak spots!"

With a last desperate attempt, Adora finally touched the sword. Just like before, it exploded with light, throwing them all back. She opened her eyes to find herself in a strange dimension with glimmering lights, sharp angles, and odd shapes. The same mysterious voice as before began to speak.

"Hello, Adora." Adora whirled around to find a tall woman in a robe and dress covered in strange symbols staring at her calmly.

"Whoa! Who are you?! What's going on?"

"My name is Light Hope," the woman answered. "I have been waiting for you for a very long time, but I could not reach you until you forged your connection with the sword." She paused. "Also the Wi-Fi signal here is shit."

"What? What are you talking about?" Adora whipped out her phone and frowned down at it. "Oh shit, you weren't kidding, I have like, one bar-"

"The sword is meant for you," the woman went on. "Etheria needs you, Adora. Will you answer its call?"

"…Well that depends, is it in my network or will I get charged for it-"

"Will you fight for the honor of Grayskull?"

"Okay, I don't even know who that IS. Decline!" Adora tapped her phone and put it away. "Listen lady, can you just explain what's going ON here?" Light Hope just stood there, arm upraised, unmoving. A circle started spinning in place in front of her. "…Bitch are you buffering-"

"Connection Time-out." Light Hope winked out of existence, another brilliant flash of light throwing Adora back. She cracked open her eyes again to find herself sitting back in the woods, her hands tied.

"Hey, she's awake!" Bow shouted from right beside her. Glimmer crouched next to him, holding the sword.

"Yeah, I certainly am now that you've yelled in my ear," Adora muttered, glaring at him. He pulled out his megaphone.

"WHAT?"

"Silence, Horde spy!" Glimmer snapped. "I ask the questions! How did you make it so far into the Whispering Woods? What are you scheming? Talk!"

"Yeah!" Bow joined in. "And who does your hair, it's, like, super cute-"

"Bow!"

"I literally just walked in," Adora snapped back, "and I do my hair myself. Also, I'm not a spy!" She paused. "But while I'm here, would you mind telling me any weaknesses in your fortifications and the number of soldiers and weapons you have?"

"Oh, yeah, sure!" Bow smiled. "Well, I'd say the west wing is our weak point-"

"BOW!"

"I'm sorry! She just asked so politely. It was instinctual."

"How dare you try and steal our sword!" Glimmer said, scowling at Adora. She snorted.

"It's not yours. I found it first, so it's mine. Also, I spit on it."

"You did not!"

Adora hawked and spat onto the sword.

"There. Now it's mine."

"GROSS!" Glimmer used her cape to wipe off the sword. "Come on, Bow! Let's get this spy back to Bright Moon where she can be interrogated properly."

"Right!" Bow gave Adora a firm look. "We're talking full-on tickle attacks until you pee yourself laughing- God I'm getting sick just thinking about it-" Glimmer grabbed his arm and hauled him off to the side.

"Oh my gosh, this is perfect!" She whispered excitedly. "We have First One tech AND a Horde spy! Mom is going to be SO happy with these presents!"

"Plus those cookies we made at the bake club!"

"Will you stop with the cookies- on your FEET, maggot!"

-Later-

The trio had been walking through the woods for some time, with no end in sight. The trees were becoming thicker and wilder with every minute, strange noises and rustling coming from the growing shadows. One skeezy-looking guy even popped up out of a bush and offered to sell them some weed.

"Uh, are you sure you know where we're going?" Bow asked, casting nervous glances left and right.

"Of course I do!" Glimmer replied, holding the scanner close to her face. "Trust me."

"I dunno, I think we've walked by that tree a few times-"

"What? The dick-shaped one?" Bow stared at her in confusion.

"…How would you even know-" *Ding!* "Oh right." He blinked. "Look, Glimmer. I've pretty much grown up in these woods, and I've never seen this part of it. Like that tree. What the fuck is that tree. I can't even think of a shape for it-"

"It kinda looks like a crooked dick, if you squint and tilt your head a little."

"They're trees! They all look like dicks!"

"Can you guys please stop talking about dicks," Adora said, dead-pan. "Or…or is this part of the torture, because it's working."

"Shut up! I've got this!" Glimmer teleported away in a huff. Bow winced and turned to Adora.

"Sorry about her, she's not normally this irritable. She's just a little testy because she's on her period-"

"BOW!"

"So anyway," Bow went on pleasantly, "what's your name? I love your jacket, it's so fashionable! Where did you get it? Was it on sale? Did you get a good deal?" Adora glared at him, refusing to talk, even as he helped her around roots and under hanging branches. "Tell me if you get tired and I'll give you a piggyback ride-"

"Would you stop being so nice to me?!" Adora finally burst out. "We're enemies, you know!"

"…Huh. I thought I was being pretty rude. I mean, I didn't even complement your shoes or anything."

"This is you being mean?" Adora gaped at him for a moment, then glanced over at Glimmer, who teleported face-first into a tree. "You know she's a Princess, right? How can you follow her? They're a dangerous threat to everyone on Etheria! They're don't even know how to control their powers! Have you not seen Frozen? That bitch froze an entire town! And Snow White enslaved seven men-"

"Is that what Hordak told you?" Bow shook his head in disbelief. "You've got it all wrong! Glimmer is the sweetest, gentlest-"

"MOVE, PRISONER! NO BATHROOM BREAKS! YOU NEED TO GO, YOU GO IN YOUR PANTS-"

"Glimmer holy shit WHOA-"

"Too much? It was too much. Sorry." Glimmer paused. "…You can have one bathroom break, so go now if you have to- SHIT!"

"Uh, I don't, I mean, I can try- oh this is what you're talking about."

The group suddenly halted as they came upon the wreckage of a house, now no more than a burned out shell with streamers of toilet paper hanging from the trees. The three of them gaped at the senseless destruction.

"Oh my God!" Adora gasped in horror. "This is monstrous! Who could've done this? I bet it was some asshole seventh-graders-"

"Don't play dumb!" Glimmer barked at her. "You know it was the Horde!"

"What? No! The Horde wouldn't do this!" Adora protested. Glimmer pointed at a fried robot slumped in the bushes. "…That doesn't prove anything!" Glimmer pointed at graffiti sprayed on the wall that said 'The Horde Was Here.' "…That could have been anyone!" Glimmer pointed at a selfie the Horde soldiers had taken, all posing and smiling proudly in front of the ruined house. "…Okay you got me there. But…but…Hordak says we're doing what's best for Etheria! We're just trying to make things better…more orderly!"

"You mean more HORDERLY!" Glimmer shot back.

"WIG!" Bow shouted. Glimmer high-fived him before continuing.

"Ever since you guys showed up, you've been poisoning our land, burning our cities, and destroying everything in your path! Nothing's too low for you! Even littering." Bow gasped in horror. "And you're a part of it!" She turned and stomped angrily away.

"But this doesn't make any sense!" Adora shook her head in confusion. "The Horde wouldn't DO this! We're a peaceful death army!" She paused. "…There's something wrong with what I just said."

"Come on," Bow said, stepping close to her. "How can you NOT know what's going on? I mean, you guys are literally called the Evil Horde."

"WHAT WHO CALLS US THAT I'LL PUNCH 'EM SO HARD THEY SHIT THEIR OWN GUTS- ohhh my gosh we aaaare evil ohhhhh noooo…" Adora started whimpering. "But still…the Horde rescued me when I was a baby and gave me a home! They're my family. You just don't know them!"

"Maybe YOU don't know them like you THINK you do," Bow told her quietly.

"Oh yeah, well, maybe YOU don't know them like you THINK I know them like I KNOW I do-"

"Wait, what?" Bow blinked in confusion. There was a sudden shriek and Glimmer came running back towards the pair, tablet in hand, still screaming. "Glimmer, what's wrong? Is it another dick pic? For God's sake, I told you to let me hold it-" An enormous beetle-monster emerged from the ground in a shower of rocks and dirt, looming over the group and roaring menacingly. "…Okay yeah that's worse." Bow quickly joined in with the terrified screams.

"Watch out!" Glimmer teleported away as the bug struck, throwing glitter in its eyes. Bow tried his luck with some well-aimed arrows and the p-word (please). Neither was effective, and they were both struck down by a mighty swing of the beetle's claw.

"A-ha!" Adora seized her chance and snatched up the sword lying on the ground, then hesitated, her gaze flicking between the defenseless Bow and Glimmer and the monster-bug as it went in the for the kill. "Uhh…" The beetle was salting and peppering them. "UHHH…" Now it was tying on a bib. "UHHH…" It was slowly lowering the pair into its mouth. "UUUHHHH-"

"DO SOMETHING, BITCH!"

"Okay, fine! Hey, bug-brain!" Adora shouted at the overgrown insect. "Pick on someone your own size!" She paused. "…So obviously not me. I'm, like, tiny compared to you. I'm sure if you just leave you'll easily find- WHOA!" She shrieked as the beetle leapt at her, striking with its claws. Desperately, she blocked the blows with the sword, then lifted it to-

"Low battery are you fucking kidding me-" Adora hissed in frustration, then lifted the sword again as an idea occurred to her. Holding the weapon high, she cried aloud: "For the honor of…Gray-whatever!"

"Close enoooough!" a voice sang out. There was a blinding flash of light from the sword, and once it faded away, there stood a glowing warrior with long, flowing hair and a white and gold uniform with a rippling cape. The beetle immediately stepped back, Bow and Glimmer gaping in awe at the majestic sight. The girl stood tall and proud, a thing of utter grace and confidence-

"THE FUCK AM I WEARING?!"

-Episode One End-