A/N: I'm afraid this story isn't going to be as popular as the rest of the "A Most Unlikely" seiries...

...and that makes me said.

Really, really sad T_T

But I made a promise. And I'll keep it.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

LONG LIVE THE DOUBLE UPDATES, BABY!

Bloody people pestering me for a Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya story!

A Most Unlikely Lancer got a lot of flack-and curses-to the point that I had to get some of them removed.

I suppose you could say that this, "A Most Unlikely Archer" and "A Most Unlikely Saber" are my way of answering them.

That's all I'm gone to say about that.

And someone had to point out that Naruto could take on the Shielder class as well.

Could somebody please just LIST all the classes I've missed yet, because I know its going to bloody well drive me up a wall~!

Clearly this takes places in later seasons because Kuro/Chloe's kicking around.

Expect quite a few changes and...well...some amusing moments from that little imp. As far as the timeline goes, this takes place before the battle with Gil in one of the later seasons. There's going to be quite the twist here. And before anyone asks, no, Naruto is not replacing Kid!Gilgamesh. Little bugger's just too entertaining.

So without further adue-and because I've gotten one hundred messages asking me for this alone-I proud present another entry in the "A Most Unlikely Series" otherwise known as...

...A Most Unlikely Archer!

This'll be far, far, FAR different from the crazy tales I usually right.

If you don't like it, this'll be gone in two days dear readers, so by all means, let me know~!

Not too much action in this chapter, but plenty of hilarity. References to Game of Thrones and Avengers are obvious, and I own nothing~!

Best brace yourself, this Naruto is the complete opposite of Shielder!Naruto, in that he spits on honor and morals. I dare say he's dangerously close to being a villain. Yet at the same time he's just a big softie when it comes to innocents; he'll fight and die to protect them.

The MASSIVE quote below puts paid to that, and once more, I own nothing.

"I have tasted failure in my lifetime. More times than you can count. I know what its like to lose, to feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. To watch loved ones turn to ash, to hear their drying gasps as they choke out their last breath in your arms. Its frightening, you know? Turns the legs to jelly. To fight something so powerful, so unholy, that the very world rallies against it. She called herself destiny, did you know that? "I am inevitable," or so she claimed. Well, I walked right up to "Destiny" and punched it in the mouth. I shot it full of holes.

I gave up EVERYTHING to destroy that destiny. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my very future! Then I landed here.

So, yes, little one. I have failed before and I'll likely fail somewhere again before this is through. But failure isn't all bad you see; failure teaches us. It forces us to adapt. To grow. Failure makes us strong. Failure makes that inevitable victory all the sweeter when we finally seize it for ourselves. I will fail, so you don't have to. I will fail, so you can keep smiling. I will fail, so you can learn from it. Its the least I can do for you. Let me do this. I'm no one. Just a ghost. Hell, sometimes I can barely even remember my own name...

~Archer.

A Most Unlikely Archer

Anyone can be an Archer.

By definition, it ought be someone with a bow. Long, short, crossbow or otherwise. In reality? The Holy Grail deems anyone with an effective ranged equivalent to be an Archer. By that term, anything could be projectile; as could anyone. Be it blades or bullets or swords or knives or even throwing copies of yourself like a missile, come the end of the day that word can be used quite loosely. If you're well known to have ranged attacks an' use them often and well, there's a good chance you'll be summoned as such.

In theory, at least.

I don't much consider myself such; if I had to pick a class, I'd much rather prefer to be a Caster rather than an Archer. But I suppose I don't get a choice now, do I? After all, we didn't have much left when we were offered the deal. We did this to ourselves. Thus, we have no one else to blame. It was this or nothing.

Because we failed.

What did we do, you ask?

Ha! That's the question, isn't it?

Gah, I'm no good with wordy explanations. Sasuke's better at this wordy shit than I am. Balls. Right, where was I? I suppose the long and short of it would be...

...we lost. There. I said it.

Kaguya nearly killed us in our first encounter; we had no choice but to run.

It took us three years to gather our strength and try again. Its funny, it a bitter way. I never knew what it was like to truly hate someone until that damn goddess reared her ugly head. I began to understand how the 'ol broody bastard felt when he lost his clan. We lost...well. A lot of good people after that first fight. And still we trained, learning tricks new and old alike.

For me it was ranged attacks, mastery of seals and the elements.

For Sasuke...well. You'd be surprised what he can do with a sword now.

Losing Sakura and Kakashi...motivated us, you could say. Yeah, it did. In the worst of ways.

Ours became something of a running battle; we weren't able to finish Kaguya off, but neither could she catch us. Desperation is the mother of madness they say, and we were quite mad to do what we did. Not running away mind you, that only bought us a few years at most. We couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later she'd have a new army-our friends!-and we couldn't kill her even with all our skills. We needed strength. Power. Might incomparable, skill unsurpassed even by the divine. We couldn't get it from a goddess.

So we made a deal with the devil.

Tell me, have you ever heard of the Counter Force? No?

You wouldn't think something like that existed in our world, but it did, or at least an equivalent of it.

So, we swore ourselves to that unholy "thing" for a second chance to destroy her. We sold our souls for power. What choice did we have? We couldn't hope to seal her after our first failure; and what a failure it was. Our pride got the better of us and she beat us into the ground for it. She had already grown too powerful for us to beat her by then. We had to resort to some...unpleasant means to wipe her out. Overwhelming strength. Utter annihilation. Some might say we sold our souls for it an' perhaps we did, but I say it was worth it. After all our goals were simple back then. We just wanted her to die and stay dead. If she didn't our world would keep burning. So we had to kill her.

And we did.

But once more, our hubris came back to bite us; because we were fool enough to have thrown a parting insult or two at a said goddess when we eradicated her for good. What?! Can you blame us?! We fought her in one life and then the next! After the hell she put us all through, I think we were owed that much. In hindsight I didn't think it would make that much of a difference. How was I supposed to know it would piss her off?! There isn't exactly a "how to kill a goddess" manual lying around in the world these days! Needless to say, an angry deity-even a dying one-can be quite spiteful. Really, REALLY spiteful, actually.

Spiteful enough to damn us.

How was I supposed to know that would happen?!

In her final moments she cursed us, and flung us...somewhere else.

As to the unfortunate circumstances of my landing and where I ended up...

...not my fault, not my fault, not my fault, do you hear me?! Nope! None! Not at all!

(...0o0o0...)

She wanted to throttle something.

Illyasviel von Einzbern absolutely wanted to strangle someone.

Even now she could feel her fingers twitching beneath the water, itching to latch onto something.

A long, grueling day had left tensions high and her stress levels higher still, and she had next to nothing to vent it on. Her back felt as though someone had stomped upon it repeatedly-which they probably had!-and Ruby certainly wasn't helping with any of that. Even now the warmth of this bath was doing far more for her in moments than the last week alone; with each passing moment she felt the tension slip from her shoulders like fine rain, the weight of her anxiety slowly kneading away until a small content sigh escaped her lips.

"Ah...

In a quiet fit of melancholy, the red-eyed girl sank deeper into the tub and began blowing bubbles.

They still hadn't found the mysterious new class card, which in turn had caused yet more distraction. Again!

'Stupid card,' she muttered inwardly to herself as the water warmed her face. 'Where is it? How can something so small cause such a fuss?'

Luvia and Rin meant well enough, Illya was sure of that, but at times it felt as if they were running everyone dragged; straight into the ground one might say. They were far too eager to make an end of things and even now, after all they'd been through, it sometimes felt as if she were simply being swept up in the current.

To be fair, Illya was a gentle soul. She didn't get riled easily-unless one caught her off guard-nor did she enjoy hurting others. One might even call her fragile by comparison. She would fight when forced, to protect herself and her friends, but she was tired of fighting today. She just wanted to enjoy a good hot soak in the tub, towel off, wrap herself in her pajamas and enjoy a nice sleepover. They'd all been up late enough already, but a tiny selfish part of herself wanted to enjoy her bath before Chloe and Miyu tried to hog all the hot water to themselves.

Still, the bath was slowly yet surely washing the stress away from the young girl's shoulders; if she wasn't careful she might well fall asleep. Had she been left to her own devices, she might well have emerged unscathed from the worst of it and forgotten all about her stress.

It was not to be.

She was just thinking about climbing out of the tub when the roof ruptured and something fell through.

Into the water.

SPLASH.

"Hweh?"

Illya jerked upright and clutched both hands to her chest as something crashed into the water, throwing a wave of liquid in her face. Time slowed to a crawl; her first thought was one of quiet confusion-of how this seemed almost eerily familiar-as she gaped at the human-sized hole in the ceiling. At intruder in the water. Back to the hole. Back to the intruder again.

With her.

In the tub.

WhatwhatWHAT?!

Someone rose from the water like a drunkard, staggering and grasping and flailing at the edge of the tub for some semblance of balance. He failed spectacularly. Instead of pulling himself upright and out as he'd no doubt intended, he lost his grip and crashed headlong into the water again with a strangled yelp. Under any other circumstance she might've found it funny. Not so presently. A slow heat rose in her cheeks as she beheld the boy-nearly her own age by the look of him-thrashing and sputtering before her. Thankfully his grasping hands finally found purchase on porcelain, not flesh.

"Oh, my head...did anybody get the number of that bitch?"

His worlds were a growl, but they couldn't tug Illya back to reality. Not yet.

Clad in little more than battered rags-which looked far too large for him now that she thought about it-her potential assailant stood several inches taller than her by far, although his clothes were all but falling off and his eyes screwed firmly shot against some unseen sort of pain. Indeed, he scarcely seemed to notice her at all, much less where he'd landed. Even then he radiated an eerie aura of otherworldly wrath in spite of his tattered attire. It likely had something to do with his wounds, all those vicious-looking scrapes and bruises littering his body.

His eyes finally opened then and for a moment Illya could only think how very odd they were.

One-the right-was blue as a summer sky, but the left stood red as blood, the slitted gaze of some wild panicked beast. They didn't even look wholly sane. No, they seemed...sad somehow. As if they'd tasted failure one too many times and been broken by it.

Then the boy frowned and everything came unraveled.

"Wait a minute," he croaked, flinging his gaze about the room, "Where am I? This isn't...

When he glanced down and those mismatching orbs widened explosively. "What the hell?! Why am I a kid again?!"

Not a heartbeat later his gaze swung upward again; then, and only then did he notice her. Illya stiffened. So did he. The fog of the bath concealed his...choice bits, but it did nothing for the rest of him. Neither moved, and for a moment-just a moment-the world held its breath. Of course, their shared stalemate didn't last long. It couldn't. Perhaps realizing his peril, the boy took a small step backwards. It was enough to tip the scales. Illy felt her eyes begin to roll wildly in her head. Sanity slipped away from her and she did the only thing she could think to do. Her lower lip trembled traitorously.

"Oh, shit." the boy muttered eloquently, eyes widening as he flailed his arms. "Wait! Don't cry! Wait just a second-

"Kyaaaah!"

All hell broke loose.

"Hoy, Illya?! What's going on?!"

No doubt responding to the sudden sound the door crashed open. She had half a heartbeat to glimpse an irate Chloe and a flabbergasted Miyu and Ruby behind it before the room descended into crazed chaos. For the sound of their voices seemed to reactivate the nearly-nude intruder; he jerked upright and made a dive for the open window. As far as plans went it was a good one; despite the unfortunate circumstances of his abrupt landing and the confusion caused by both parties he likely knew they weren't going to listen. So he made a break for it.

Pity it was doomed to fail.

Not a heartbeat later, a bar of soap cannoned into his face like a magical missile. "Ack! Pervert! Out out out!"

"Wait!" the boy flailed wildly, ducking beneath the next volley with eerie grace. "I can explain! I didn't mean to land here-

"I don't care who you are!" Illya wrapped a hand around Ruby and promptly bashed him the head. "You saw! Idiot! Stupid! I hate, hate, hate you! OUUUT~!"

Their first meeting was eventful, if nothing else.

A/N: Poor Naruto.

He's about as bitter as (EMIYA) Archer.

Ironic, given that's his class this time around.

Lets see if Illya and company can lift his spirits, eh?

As another note, there's actually a Sasuke in this story, and not an evil one at that! GASP! 0_0

Confused?

In short, Kaguya's "curse" is a simple one, if spiteful. Naruto can be summoned in the Archer class of course, but his form will only ever be that of his child self. Much to his chagrin, he's aware of this curse and isn't happy about it, not one bit. He's packing all his skills, just in a far smaller package than he's used to.

Clearly this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, but not without its own heavy moments. Kuro's gonna be outright hounding him once she realizes what he is.

But where on where is Sasuke, I wonder?

So In the Immortal Words of Altas...

...Revieeew, Would Ya Kindly?

And enjoy these previews!

Potential ones, anyway!

Which do you like?

(Previews!)

"Do you know why I fell into the Archer class? Allow me to show you."

His hand drew back and the air didn't just keen, it positively shrieked. Screaming as his hands seized it by the throat. No, not just the air, it was as if he were bending reality itself to his will. The seals on his arms pulsed with every heartbeat, forcing the energy away from the sphere cradled in his hands, warping and twisting it further and further into the graceless shape of...no. was that a bow? Impossible. Absurd. You couldn't make a bow out of nothing. It just wasn't done. And Naruto still hadn't opened his eyes.

Angelica watched him warily, her own eyes growing large in mute horror.

"Horrible, isn't it?" Naruto mused. "It took me three years to learn this trick. Now, what did you call me earlier?" A cold, bitter smile adorned the boy's face as he tilted his head. "Aha! I remember now. I believe the words you used were "a boy who didn't know his limits." Yes. That was it. My name is Naruto." the words were low, feral hiss in spite of the beatific grin adorning his young face. "I am no boy. My class is Archer. I am a bastion of order. Sworn Servant of Illyasviel von Einzbern. And, as you're about to discover, full of surprises. Take those words to your master, you self-absorbed prat."

Red eyes flew wide open."Now would you kindly get the hell off my lawn?"

With that, Angelica's world erupted into a maelstrom of pure death.

"My, my, my! If it isn't the King of Heroes himself! I'm honored! But I thought you'd be taller."

Gil's smirk twitched. Cheeky little punk. Mock him, would he? Of course, it would be remiss of him to underestimate this one. Trapped in their younger forms they may well be, but looks could be deceiving. He knew that from firsthand experience. This one was not to underestimated. Very well. He'd humor him. "C'mon clown, lets see what you got."

Naruto hummed. "Clown, is it? How nostalgic. You remind me of an old friend."

Ruby perked up at that and began chuckling fiendishly. "Ohohoho, then what about a kiss-

The kaleidostick writhed wildly as Illya seized the squawking stick by the pommel.

"Gwah! No! Mercy, Illya-chan! Mercy!"

Naruto had no such inclination.

...RUN AWAY NO JUTSU~!"

"GET BACK HERE!"

Kuro began to laugh.

"Seriously?! You're afraid of ghosts?!"

"Its not funny, damnit! Ghosts are tricksy little shits!"

A blond brow rose when she drew a blade. "How about a spar? Always works for me when I'm stressed."

An alarm bell went off in the back of his head, but he stubbornly stamped it out of existence. "I...don't think that's a good idea."

"Aw, c'mon~! Just five minutes!"

R&R~!

=D