A/N: *EDIT*

Aaaaaaaaaaand so cometh the trolls.

This isn't a parody, its just sillier than others.

But I got dogpiled for it. Lambasted on a critical level.

Parodies you say? Die, you say? Do you want me to cry that badly?

Fine. Fuck it. I'm done. Next stories going to be a parody written out of bloody spite.

I just wanted to make people happy. To maybe read the occasional inspiring review...but no. I see how it is now.

The world is cruel. People are cruel. The afterlife probably won't be much different. Bloody hell why am I even doing this if I just get torn apart...?

Remember, this is False!Archer.

You'll get the actual adult version sooner or later.

I'm afraid this story isn't going to be as popular as the rest of the "A Most Unlikely" series...

...and that makes me said.

Really, really sad T_T

But I made a promise. And I'll keep it.

Also, getting a lot of flak and angry words. Someone *that was the tag they left* keeps saying that each Naruto has no personality and such and that I recycle concepts from my stories. As they're anonymous and I can't respond to them, I feel this is the only way I can address them:

"I'm sorry.

You're right. I need to do better-no! I HAVE to do better. But what good does tearing me down do? That just perpetuates the cycle of violence. If you don't like my stories, then I understand. You don't have to read them but you have made your voice heard loud and clear. Can't we just agree to leave one another alone and let bygones be bygones? I thank you for your time and words of criticism.

You have been heard, my friend."

Warm regards,

~Nz.

Now then, onto the story.

We'll get back to the regular Q&A sooner or later, I'm just not feeling terribly up to it at the moment, sorry everyone.

This story is meant to be more light-hearted, even though this (False)Archer!Naruto can be a bit of a bastard.

As ever, I own no references, quotes, or anything related to relevant media. Nope! Nothing!

I do hope this chapter makes you laugh, because that was the intent.

You'll get true Archer sooner or later. He's a monster.

Minor time skip of about...a few hours or so.

Oh! One real quick thing before I forget...

YES! THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!

"Nothing personal, kid."

~Archer.

A Most Unlikely Brawl (Interlude)

He was lost.

For perhaps the first time in the endless series of disasters that served as his life, Naruto genuinely didn't know what to do, where to go, or even how to proceed from here. He'd always had a goal in life; always a purpose there to spur him on. Yet now he didn't. On one hand-one great, glorious hand!-he had done what he'd set out to do. He'd won. Together with Sasuke he'd achieved his life's goal by ridding his world of Kaguya and Zetsu forevermore. No revival, no respawning, and CERTAINLY no reincarnation for those two twats. He took a certain vindictive satisfaction in that. Where they were now, they were better off dead.

On the other, they'd had the last laugh.

He'd been flung out of his world and reduced to this state; bound by a curse he didn't even know how to break. At least he had a place to stay. Illya's mother had taken one look at him and declared such. That was...nice, he supposed? Nice lady, that one. He still wasn't quite sure what to make of her. Even

But that still left him with this curse.

Bad enough that he seemed to be stuck like this for the foreseeable future-which in turn meant he was going to have to HEAVILY reevaluate his opinion until he found a way to throw it off or just outgrew it-but there was also the matter of mana. Like it or not, he wasn't wholly human anymore. The Counter Force had seen to that. A small shudder shook his shoulders at the thought. Nope. Though the grail in his world had clearly left a way for him to replenish his stores of energy, he absolutely refused to do it.

He'd already seen Chloe tag Illya with a kiss and he had NO desire to do that.

Really, the only saving grace in all this was that he could still use the Transformation jutsu to make himself "appear" his true age should push came to shove. But the curse had even seeped into that as well; the mere act of maintaining it drained his chakra by an absurd amount. Leave it to Kaguya to be spiteful. She couldn't have a major victory, so in her pettiness she settled for a spiteful one instead. For better or worse, he'd have to put up with this, and these girls, for now.

It certainly didn't help that one of said girls was determined to tease him.

Runt, Chloe called him. Short. Tiny.

Needless to say, none of this sat well with Naruto. Not at all. Dislike for his new form aside, he did not relish the idea of reliving his childhood a second time. Nevermind the fact that he was still nursing a welt from where Illya had clobbered him with her kaleidostick, nevermind his viciously short temper, nevermind all of these new faces asking him questions. Naruto. Did not. Like being called. Short. Not in the least. Not at all. Here, now, in this very moment, he didn't care about magical girls or talking sticks or mages, or any of it.

He needed to punch something. Barring that, someone.

So when Chloe suggested a spar?

He leaped at the chance.

Of course he did.

"You sure about this, buddy?" her voice drew him back to reality with a frown. "I don't think you know what you're getting into."

...trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Naruto didn't rise to her bait; he simply settled into a stance as the wind began to pick up. He knew this was no helpless little girl standing before him; whomever she might be, whatever powers she wielded, Chloe wasn't someone to be underestimated. In his line of work, you couldn't underestimate anyone. He'd already learned that nasty little lesson the hard way. She was anything but powerless.

Of course, she didn't let it lie there, and began bouncing in place.

"So whaddya say, whiskers?" An impish smiled bloomed on her cheeks. "Half-speed?"

He mirrored her grin and planted his feet in the grass. "No. Full. Unless you don't think you can keep up?"

"You sure?" her brown grew stormy at this less-than-subtle slight. "Wouldn't wanna hurt that pretty face of yours."

The False Archer exhaled in a long suffering breath and willed his anger to flow away like so many words in the breeze. Then he tucked his thumb into a palm, raised his right arm, and beckoned to her with the remaining fingers; crooking them at her in a decidedly come-hither motion. Rock Lee would've been proud. Fine. She wanted to be that way, did she?

Then he'd torment her a little with his silence.

Idly, he allowed his eyes to roam about their chosen arena; it was a perfectly nice field, all things considered. Green, grassy, wide and spacious both; but most importantly, it was out of the way. Perfect for a fight. They could fight as they pleased here, and ohhhhhhh did he intend to fight. He had years worth of frustrations just itching to be unleashed. So long as they were careful not to hit any of their spectators, he would trust in his skills to win the day. Whatever tricks this little imp had under her sleeve, he was certain he could best them. Her.

Small he may be, but he had a lifetime's worth of experience and reserves that would make a kage-level shinobi weep with envy.

Kuro was in for the fight of her life; she just didn't realize it yet.

"Come at me."

Chloe's face darkened, amber eyes gleaming. "Don't blame me if you get hurt!"

With that said, her hands flew out at her sides and a startling pair of short-swords manifested to greet her open palms. Tan hands wrapped around each and drew them up in a sharp flourish, trailing twin arcs of light after them, each like a falling star. One was white as snow, the other darker than the bleakest knight. Despite himself, Naruto stiffened just a touch. She shouldn't be able to do that. No. It wasn't possible unless she was...well, that complicated things, didn't it? Realization broke like the dawn and he found himself taking this wee slip of a girl a touch seriously.

"Wait, are you a-

"Ready or not, here I come!"

Then she blitzed him in a storm of swords.

Now, Naruto was no stranger to the art of the blade; he'd seen them in battle before, even fought a swordsman a time or two. And while he was surprised to see his fellow Archer-or so he suspected-simply pull them right out of a freaking hammerspace, that confusion didn't slow him in the least. By the time Chloe reached him he'd already determined more than a dozen ways to disarm and defeat her. Nine of them were lethal. Six were all but humiliating. Three were excessive. Two were flashy. One was just the answer he needed. He'd encountered worse in his lifetime. Far worse.

Credit where it was due, Chloe was quite quick; very fast indeed.

She just wasn't fast enough.

When she reached him her first move was a shallow thrust as his chest with the flat of her blades.

He read the feint immediately and didn't even deign to move when her right arm snapped down to cut at his legs.

Instead, he simply swept hers.

Kuro tumbled away with an exasperated hiss and came at him again; to which he tapped her on the wrists, subtly diverting her counterstrike to send her stumbling forward. Then he flowed in and smashed an open palm into her bare midriff. Silly girl, why wasn't she wearing armor there? That was just begging to be attacked. Poor Chloe went tumbling across the grass like a bag of rice, but sprang back up thrice as fast.

"Why you little...?!"

"POINT!" Ruby squawked suddenly on the sidelines, drawing a baffled glower from all parties.

"What?!" the magical stick balked as everyone frowned at her. "Don't judge me! Let me have my fun!"

Miyu didn't once look away from the brawl. "Sapphire?"

"On it."

"Wait, what are you-HEY?!"

Chloe took advantage of this brief distraction to strike again; she went high and Naruto simply ducked low. His legs tensed viciously as she tried to cut down at him. Too little, too late. In the next instant he sprang up and headbutted his fellow Archer from below, ramming his head headlong-ha!-into her chin with all the force of a bulldozer. The strangled noise Chloe made was nothing short of apoplectic.

"GACK?! Tam owt! TAM OWT!" one hand waved frantically, the other clutching her mouth to elicit a brief lull in combat. "You bathtard! Ah bith ma towng!"

Naruto couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry," he chirruped, "That sounds like not my problem."

"Vicious little thing, isn't he?" Rin sighed.

"Yes, quite uncouth." Luvia agreed.

Kuro charged him with a shriek.

"Revenge! ORA!"

Naruto grinned.

"Useless!"

Rather than evade her anger, the whiskered warrior stubbornly stood his ground this time around and weathered the full force of her fury. His hands slapped her strikes aside as they both fought fast, faster, fastest. Red battered against black, their hands twisting and striking at inconceivable angles as quickly as they came. Blood spattered the field as the occasional glancing blow landed, to no avail. Beads of sweat snapped into the air and were struck down just as could be decided in this blistering contest, yet blows continued to rain down unimpeded.

"Erm," Illya swallowed thickly. "Shouldn't we...stop them, or something?"

"ORAORAORAORAORA!/MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!"

Rin and Luvia rapidly took one look at the barrage and shook their heads.

Nope. Nuh-uh. No way were they getting in the middle of that.

Bodies blurred and their minds seethed; lost wholeheartedly in the thrill of the fight and the release it promised. Convoluted combos that went well beyond the pale; not just arms but legs and elbows alike, flowing kicks transitioning into precise swings and the like. At last, Naruto blocked Kuro and she went aerial on him-leaping into the air to snap a kick into his side.

"Ha!" she crowed. "Gotcha!"

"Do you really?"

"Meep?!"

He trapped it there against his ribs and used this sudden momentum to lever her into the ground, only for Kuro to scissor her legs and drag him down with her. His forehead rammed into his and she retaliated by biting on his right ear hard enough to make him yelp. Eventually he gained the upper hand again and wriggled free, but by then the dynamic had irrevocably changed. He realized it, then. He wasn't angry any more; his frustrations had all but boiled away when he wasn't looking. No, it was more than that.

They were laughing; the both of them.

High, full-throated laughter that had both of them shaking and doubling over like wild hyenas, each unable to stop. When was the last time he'd felt like this? Years ago. Before Kaguya. Before the war. Before his luck gave out and the world all but turned its back on him. Too long. Gods, how long had he been waiting for something-someone!-like this! Chloe gave as good as she got, consequences be damned. His muscles were buzzing with a pleasantly familiar ache, demanding more. And she was getting back up, in spite of all her injuries.

Illya quivered as she watched. "Scary! They're way too scary for me!"

Naruto kicked Chloe away, but she did a quick kip-up and snapped back to her feet.

"That settles it! You fight like a demon! I think I'm in love!"

Naruto wheezed out another laugh. "Feeling's mutual!"

"Say, how about we make a friendly little wager, then?" she snickered.

"What, you just decided that now?!"

Rosy cheeks dimpled, her eye creasing in a rare, genuine grin.

"Loser has wait on the winner. Hand and foot. For an entire day. Whaddya say?"

His smiled broadened. "Make it a week and I'll take that bet. Haven't decided what I'll make you do, yet."

Her smile faltered. "Eh?"

"Well, what are you waiting for?" to Illya's great dismay, Naruto actually beckoned her sibling. "Come get some, runt."

Chloe blurred to him with a grin and he met her happily; this time, she even managed slip a few slices through his guard around the arms and legs. It wasn't enough. He knew and she knew it, even as she redoubled her efforts to penetrate his defenses. He didn't move his fate, each time interposing a bandaged hand or armored knee between him and the slicing blades. Was it just his imagination, or were her attacks-her form-getting steadily sharper as they fought on?

Then she threw her swords at him.

It was so wholly unexpected that Naruto barely had time to blink, let alone dodge. Swordsman-and women!-didn't throw their swords! It simply wasn't done! In a brief fit of surprise he unthinkingly pulled harder upon his reserves and vanished in a blur of leaves, leaving the Chloe's blades to harmlessly bisect an errant afterimage. To Chloe's credit she immediately realized what he'd done and drew her bow. Too late. The barest whisper of a breeze brushed against her cheek and her instincts screamed at her to backpedal, to move, to DODGE-

WHAM!

Instead her world went white as as lightly armored boot crashed into her chin from below and sent her soaring into the sky. Her bow tumbled from her grasp and shattered, momentarily forgotten as a hand settled against her exposed back. She flung a glance over her shoulder, just as gravity sank its claws into her, just as she saw his face. Bandages burst from his sleeves and snapped around her body in a crude mummification, binding Chloe's arms and legs together yet in the same vein, leaving her head exposed.

"Try not to die, alright?" Naruto's childish smirk was wholly at odds with his warning. "This REALLY isn't a very nice move."

For all her pride, the little Archer had all of half an instant to realize what he intended to do unto her. Then he grabbed her bandaged body and spun her down into the earth; a vicious spinning drill that rendered the world little more than a mottled green blur. Her stomach betrayed her and she felt rather than saw herself turn green. And throughout it all, the ground rushed up to greet her like a long lost friend.

Somehow, incredibly, Chloe recognized this move, though she'd never seen it before.

Perhaps it had something to do with Naruto's mad laughter.

"No. Nooooononono don't you fucking DARE-

Too little, too late. "Primary. Lotus."

Remarkably, she survive.

Anyone else would've had their neck broken and perished on the spot; as Chloe was anything but human, she merely wound up planted like a turnip. Tan legs thrashing uselessly in the air as she struggled to extricate her upper half from her now-underground prison. Thankfully she was wearing pants. Else this might've been...embarrassing. No, wait! It was still embarrassing! Terribly, horribly humiliating! The fact that she could hear someone laughing made it all the worse!

Ruby absolutely cackled. "Striiiiiiiike!"

"I WILL END YOUR ENTIRE CAREER, YOU STUPID STICK!"

In the ensuing dust cloud, the demi-servant finally managed to tear herself free from the earthen mound. She valiantly thrashed upright in spite of her spinning head...and promptly lost her lunch. Yes, her much-abused stomach rebelled almost instantaneously and she lost her lunch. She was still doubling over when Illya shouted a warning.

"Behind you!"

A spike of killing intent loomed behind her back.

Once more Naruto reappeared-though she noted with some spiteful satisfaction that he was very much worse for the wear-in her blind spot, tucked low to the ground. This time Chloe wasn't quite fast enough to fend him off, much less realize her peril. Her heart skipped a beat, and for perhaps the first time in her life, Chloe von Einzbern found herself unable to move. She could have sworn that his eyes were gleaming red, and she couldn't even see them! The fact that his hand was now resting upon her shoulder somehow magnified her dread all the more.

"Sorry," he hummed. "Nothing personal, kid. You really shouldn't let your enemies get behind you this often, ya know?"

A bead of sweat ran down Chloe's suddenly pale brow. "Wait, what are you-YEEK!"

And so he struck, swiftly, decisively, and wholly without mercy.

"Secret Art: A Thousand Years of Death! Boot Edition!"

Everyone present-sans Chloe-facepalmed as one.

"BOOT!"

Thankfully for out little Archer-and any younger audiences at home-this devastating attack wasn't the true variant feared by men and women across the globe. It was, quite simply put, just a kick. A very hard one at that, and one delivered right to the unsuspecting girl's posterior with all the force of a hurricane. Chloe's yelp of surprise was sweet, sweet music to Naruto's ears as she found herself airborne again-this time not entirely of her own volition. In spite of the collective cringe, the whiskered warrior couldn't help but whistle as she took flight, clutching her sore rear all the while.

Such a shame the tree killed her velocity like that.

A pity, truly.

Although, the Chloe-shaped imprint left behind on the bark was truly something to be admired. He'd certainly remember this moment as long as he lived. Ah, what he wouldn't give to have a camera right now. After all, it wasn't everyday you got to watch someone be hand-fed a slice of humble pie. And poor Chloe had just eaten the whole damn thing.

To her credit, Chloe actually recovered, if only just.

She lay sprawled out on the grass beneath him, chest heaving. When she tried to rise, Naruto planted a boot in her stomach. Not enough to hurt the poor girl, but just enough to keep her from attacking him all the same.

"Give up. Or this gets worse."

She growled. "How could this possibly get-

Naruto began unwinding the bandages around his wrists.

"Alright, alright! I give!" she croaked out, throwing her hands up.

And then she smirked. "Now...then I guess...you deserve your...REWARD!"

Then she dove at him and, much to his consternation, crushed her lips against his.

Ruby perked up at that and began chuckling fiendishly. "Ohohoho, I missed it! How about another kiss-GAH?!"

The kaleidostick writhed wildly as Illya seized the squawking stick by the pommel.

"Gwah!" she cried! "No! Mercy, Illya-chan! Mercy!"

Naruto had no such reservations.

...RUN AWAY NO JUTSU~!"

Chloe took off after him.

"GET BACK HERE!"

A/N: Clearly, wasn't meant to be taken seriously.

So please, before any gets angry, kindly suspend your disbelief.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we have ourselves a winner, ladies and gentlemen!

This was a zany little chapter to write, and I hope it made all of you smile. It wasn't meant to be taken too seriously; as we leap into the meat of things next chapter. This is one of the least popular entries in the "A Most Unlikely" series, but its fun to write all the same. Do tell me what you think of it. I'd love to hear from you!

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews keep me alive!

So In the Immortal Words of Altas...

...Revieeew, Would Ya Kindly?

And enjoy these previews!

Potential ones, anyway!

Which do you like?

(Previews!)

"WILL YOU TWO STOP WITH THE JOJO REFERENCES?!"

Naruto and Chloe paused.

Considered it.

And then:

"NO."

"Nope. I may be a crazy bastard, but nope!

"You remind me of someone, Tohsaka."

...thank you?" she managed.

"Wasn't a compliment."

R&R~!

=D