Introduction

If you have opened this book, then I'm sure you have read the unfortunate history of the Baudelaire orphans. Perhaps you were dissatisfied with The End, or you lie awake at night, wondering about the fate of the Quagmire triplets. Or perhaps you have pored over all thirteen volumes, as a million questions ran round your head. Could Olivia have been saved? What about Dewey and Kit? Is Fiona really that bad? What happened to Carmelita Spats? If something changed, could Olaf have been officially brought to justice?

I, too, have studied Lemony Snicket's books cover to cover, against countless newspapers and pieces of evidence, and I found that he stretched the truth.

What if I told you that the unfortunate history of the Baudelaire orphans wasn't as unfortunate as you have been led to believe?

My name is Raspberry Bernard, and it is my solemn duty to re-chronicle the history of the Baudelaires, as well as find answers to all the questions that keep you lying awake at night.

Chapter One

Before we begin our tale, I must inform you that the first 6 3/4 of Mr. Snicket's books were factually accurate, and therefore occurred in exactly the same way.

The Fowl Fountain creaked open, revealing two shivering Quagmire triplets.

"Klaus!" Isadora cried, running out of the fountain and throwing her arms around her friend.

"I knew you would figure it out," Duncan said, stepping out of the fountain.

"We started investigating the moment we saw the herring statue in that old bar," Violet explained.

"You didn't happen to see anything written in that, did you?"

"Oh..." Violet paused. "No, we didn't have time to examine it closely."

She and Duncan stood there smiling at each other for a moment, until Sunny said "Vamanos," meaning something along the lines of: "We better get moving, the angry mob is coming this way!"

Klaus picked up his sister, and the four children still on the ground began to run. Violet led the way around a corner to where the old fire truck was parked, which she had fixed up the night before the Baudelaires had been thrown in jail.

"Where are we going?" Isadora asked as she, Klaus, and Sunny climbed into the backseat.

"Anywhere but here is fine with me," said Duncan, getting into the front passenger seat.

Violet started the engine. "Down the road a ways, we'll stop there and climb into a hot air mobile home."

"It's a sort of enormous hot air balloon that people can live on," Klaus explained for the Quagmires' benefit.

"Oh. Fun," Isadora said, though her tone indicated that she did not find the idea fun at all. In fact, she sounded a bit afraid at the prospect of living up in the air.

Violet drove away from the village, the mob of citizens hot on the children's heels. When she began to slow down to stop under the hot air mobile home, Duncan leaned over and sort of fell on her, forcing her to keep her foot in the gas petal.

"Duncan! What are you doing?"

"Saving our lives!" Duncan yelled from his awkward position. Violet tried to shove him off, but her efforts were fruitless.

"That is the opposite of what you're doing!" The fire truck swerved. Isadora screamed and grabbed the object nearest to her, which happened to be Klaus. Duncan grabbed the steering wheel and turned the vehicle back into the road.

Violet pried Duncan's hands off of the wheel and tried to turn around, which did not go well at all. The fire engine ended up horizontal in the middle of the road.

"Just keep driving!" Klaus suggested from the backseat.

"What do you think I was trying to do?" Violet asked through gritted teeth. Duncan chose this moment to grab the wheel again. He smoothly turned the truck out of its sideways position and got it back on track, a phrase which here means: "headed deeper into the Hinterlands and away from the Village of Fowl Devotees."

...…...

Hours later, the sun had just begun one of the famous Hinterland sunsets. The sunsets in the Hinterlands were famous for their large scale. The flat land led straight to a great open sky, making the world seem alarmingly big.

The passengers in the backseat of the fire engine were all fast asleep. Isadora was leaning on Klaus' shoulder, Sunny in her lap. Klaus had his arms around the two of them.

"You should get some sleep," Violet told Duncan, who glanced behind him at his sister.

"I'm okay."

Violet put a hand on Duncan's arm. "Don't worry, she's safe."

"I'm not worrying, I just..." His voice trailed off.

He had spent nearly two years trailing off.

Author's Note: I own nothing, except for the name Raspberry Bernard. Everything else belongs to Lemony Snicket.