The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out for ice cream. Just more madness from my tiny mind.

The PH Fudderdudder's Fracas

"Sorry I'm late," Lana sighed as she walked into Archer's hospital room. "Any change?"

"Yes, Lana," Mallory looked at her. "Just ten minutes ago Sterling was dancing around the room singing Any Dream Will Do. He's now resting his eyes."

"A simple no would have sufficed," Lana said as she sat down.

"Being on time would have been better. Where have you been?" Mallory asked. "I thought you were going to be here an hour ago?"

"I was," Lana groaned. "I had to go home and take a shower to wash off all the ice cream. Not to mention lie low for a bit to make sure the police weren't following me."

"What happened this time?" Mallory sighed. "Or should I be surprised at the arraignment?"

"You might as well know," Lana sighed. "AJ came home with all A's on her report card. I thought I'd reward her by taking her to PH Fudderdudder's…"

"Some questions," Mallory held up her hand. "First of all…How do you get A's for preschool? How impressive is that?"

"AJ knows her numbers and colors," Lana defended. "She got good grades for listening and arts and crafts."

"Still…" Mallory sniffed. "Rewarding acceptable behavior with obesity. No wonder this country is going to Hell in a flame-retardant handbasket!"

"You try getting a bunch of toddlers to behave and see how easy it is!" Lana snapped. "Trust me, with Archer's DNA I need all the help I can get to make sure AJ learns how to listen."

"Fine…" Mallory decided to drop it. "Secondly…What the hell is PH Fudderdudder's?"

"It's the latest craze in ice cream," Lana said. "Gourmet flavors. Bright colorful decorations. An indoor playground for the kids."

"Someplace I'd hate."

"I don't know," Lana said. "I think you would enjoy the Scotch On The Rocks Ripple."

"There's alcohol in the ice cream?" Mallory did a double take.

"On the adult menu, yes," Lana said. "You have to be twenty-one or over. Which explains why everyone else from the agency decided to come."

"The idiots followed you and AJ to the ice cream parlor?" Mallory did a double take. "An ice cream parlor that serves alcohol. This does not bode well."

"It did not go well," Lana groaned. "For so many reasons…Pam for starters."

"What did she do?"

"Pam in an ice cream store," Lana looked at her. "Do I really need to explain more?"

"Uhh…" Mallory blinked.

FLASHBACK!

"Nom! Nom! Nom!" Pam was eating gustily from several large sundaes. She was using spoons in both hands to feed herself.

Pam called out. "Keep 'em coming! Especially that Scotch On The Rocks Ripple!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"No, you do not," Mallory groaned.

"Ray wasn't that much better," Lana sighed. "I convinced him to try quitting smoking again. So, he was looking for a substitute…"

FLASHBACK!

"More Scotch On The Rocks Ripple!" Ray said as he sped ate using his robotic hand. "And light on the rocks!"

"Ooh! I want more Kalua Brownie!" Pam called out with her mouth full as she ate rapidly.

But not as fast as Ray. "Me too! Keep 'em coming!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"It was like the Flash and the Hulk having a speed eating contest," Lana groaned. "But it wasn't half as bad as Cyril who was trying to pick a flavor."

FLASHBACK!

"Let's see…" Cyril was looking at the case. "I do like French Vanilla. But I also like Tahitian Vanilla. And there's this Va Va Voom Vanilla…Or do I want something completely different? Like Coconut? That sounds exotic. Or Sweet Cream? Or Sugar Cone? Or Milk and Honey? Or Malted Vanilla! Ohhh! That sounds nice…"

"Oh God I hate this job so much…" The male teenage counter boy groaned under his breath.

"Then there's Coffee," Cyril listed off. "Mocha Madness. Chocolate. Double Chocolate. Triple Chocolate. Death by Chocolate. Ultimate Death By Chocolate. Ultimate Mocha Madness. Ultimate Mocha Chocolate Death. Chocolate Ripple. Coffee Ripple. Chocolate and Coffee Ripple. Mega Coffee Chocolate Crazy Ripple. Scotch On The Rocks Ripple. Razzberry Ripple. Razzberry Raze. Blueberry Ripple. Blueberry Coffee Cake. Chocolate Coffee Cake…"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Did you know that PH Fudderdudder's has over 487 flavors of ice cream?" Lana sighed. "And Cyril listed every single one. Guess which one he finally picked?"

"Vanilla?" Mallory guessed.

"Close," Lana sighed. "French Vanilla."

"Of course…" Mallory sighed.

"Plus…" Lana added. "PH Fudderdudder's always gives out free samples. As you can imagine…"

FLASHBACK!

Cyril was tasting samples with tiny plastic spoons. "Okay…So the Mega Coffee Chocolate Crazy Ripple is better than the Chocolate and Coffee Ripple. But has a bit too much of the coffee and not enough ripple. On the other hand, the Death By Chocolate has the right amount of chocolate while the Ultimate Death by Chocolate has too much…I know if there is such a thing right?"

"Kill me…" The teenage server groaned.

"But do I even want chocolate?" Cyril frowned. "Let me try the Blueberry Coffee Cake…"

"Oh God…" The teenage server gave out a sample.

Which Ray grabbed. "Yoink!" He zoomed off using his super speed. "Yum! Yum! Yum!"

"RAY!" Cyril snapped. "Great, where was I? Should I start over?"

"I've been thinking the same thing," The teenage server's left eye started to twitch. "About my choice in careers."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Not to mention Krieger had to put his own spin of weirdness," Lana sighed. "By insisting he bring a date. Or his idea of a date anyway."

FLASHBACK!

"This is not a date!" Mitsuko folded her arms as her holographic body sat at the booth where Krieger was.

"You wanted to go out more!" Krieger protested. He was eating a sundae. "These sundaes are excellent."

"I will take your word for it," Mitsuko glared at him.

"Oh, right," Krieger realized. "You don't eat."

"Call me crazy," Mitsuko said. "But I think that a date entails doing something both couples enjoy! As well as being alone!"

"It's not that bad," Krieger said. "Cyril and the others don't mind."

"Yes, we do!" Cheryl was heard in the background.

"I was talking about them!" She pointed.

Milton was popping out toast in the corner. And Cyberneddly Teddly was dancing wildly. Creeping out several customers.

Krieger looked at Mitsuko. "They're harshing the vibe aren't they?"

"What do you think?" Mitsuko shouted.

FLASHFORWARD!

Mallory was confused. "Why would Krieger bring a toaster and…?"

"It's Krieger! Being inappropriate is what he does!" Lana told him. "Although as the afternoon unfolded, he didn't top the list."

"What happened?" Mallory groaned.

"Ray and Pam got buzzed on the alcohol in all the ice cream they ate," Lana sighed. "They got a little hyper."

"How hyper?" Mallory asked.

FLASHBACK!

"NEEARRRRRRRR!" Pam ran around holding her arms out like an airplane.

"NEEAARRRRR!" Ray did the same only a lot faster. Bowls, paper plates and other items were blown aside in his wake.

"HEY!" Krieger snapped as some ice cream was splashed on his lab coat. "Will you guys knock it off!"

"Your friends…" Mitsuko folded her arms.

"Don't start woman!" Krieger snapped.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Basically, the cocaine addiction times two?" Mallory groaned.

"Yeah," Lana groaned. "AJ was laughing her head off at their antics. But not as much as the other thing."

"What other thing?"

"The real problem started when Cyril decided to put a dollar in the tip jar," Lana sighed.

"Okay I know I can be thrifty sometimes…" Mallory began.

"Outright cheap," Lana said.

"But even I think a dollar tip is reasonable," Mallory said. "What did those crybaby servers complain?"

"It wasn't the amount of money that was the problem," Lana sighed. "The problem was that it gave Cheryl ideas."

"I don't understand," Mallory blinked.

Lana explained. "Did you know that servers at PH Fudderdudder's are required to sing a song every time someone tips them a dollar or more?"

"I did not," Mallory blinked. "They have to sing every time someone gives them a dollar?"

"Yuuppp…" Lana sighed.

"I've heard of working for tips but that's…" Mallory was stunned.

"Yeah well…" Lana began. "They put in the work all right."

FLASHBACK!

"Good thing that this place serves lactose free ice cream," Cheryl was eating some. "I wonder if they sell Lactose Free Scotch On The Rocks Ripple by the pint?"

"Okay this is good French Vanilla," Cyril grinned as he ate his cone. He managed to take out a dollar from his pocket. "And for your trouble…" He put it in the tip jar.

If the servers were annoyed, they didn't show it. They started singing. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any other's! HEY!"

"YAYYY!" AJ laughed happily from her seat. Her mouth was covered in ice cream.

"YAYYY!" Pam and Ray gave a standing ovation. "Encore! Encore!"

"What was that?" Cheryl asked.

"They sing a song every time you put a dollar or more in the tip jar," Cyril explained.

"You mean they have to sing every time someone puts a dollar tip or more?" Cheryl's eyes lit up.

"Yes," Cyril said.

"Really?" Cheryl had a look in her eyes. She took out a dollar from her purse and put it in the tip jar.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Again!" Cheryl giggled as she put another dollar in the tip jar.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"This is great!" Cheryl laughed.

"Uh oh…" Cyril blinked as Cheryl took out another dollar.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"What did you do?" Lana gave Cyril a look.

"I gave Cheryl an idea…" Cyril groaned.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Cyril you know better than that!" Lana snapped.

"You never give Cheryl ideas!" Krieger told him.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"It's not like I did it on purpose!" Cyril snapped. "I was trying to do something nice!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"If you wanted to be nice you should have just picked French Vanilla from the start and gotten it over with," Pam called out. "Hey! I bet I can do a handstand on that table!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

CRASH!

"No, you can't," Ray quipped at the destroyed table.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Okay I'll try that table!" Pam remarked.

"NO, YOU WON'T!" Lana roared.

"Stop yelling!" AJ called out. "I can't hear the song!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Oh, this was a bad idea…" Cyril groaned.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Ya think?" Lana snapped. "Ray! Don't do a handstand on the table! You're only encouraging Pam!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Can't go anywhere nice," Mitsuko groaned.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Cheryl had over five hundred dollars in ones in her purse," Lana groaned.

"Oh, dear God…" Mallory turned pale. "I see where this is going."

"You can also see why I'm not going back to that place anytime soon," Lana groaned. "Long story short before I knew it…"

FLASHBACK!

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any other's! HEY!"

"NEEARRRRR!" Ray and Pam ran around pretending to be airplanes. "NEEEEEEEEARRRR!"

"RAY! PAM KNOCK IT OFF!" Lana shouted.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"NEEEEEEARRR!" AJ ran by imitating Pam and Ray.

"You too Abbiejean!" Lana groaned.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Why do I stay with these lunatics?" Lana groaned. "I could just take AJ and leave. Why do I stay?"

"Mitsuko has the same question!" Mitsuko called out.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Ray get off the monkey bars!" Cyril shouted.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" Ray called out.

"OOH! OOH! OOH!" Pam and AJ mimicked.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"NOT HELPING RAY!" Lana shouted. "Not helping!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any other's! HEY!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl cackled with glee as she put another tip in. "SING PUPPETS! SING!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Why is there toast all over the place?" Someone called out.

"KRIEGER!" Lana shouted.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Why are you yelling at me?" Krieger protested.

"Why do you think?" Mitsuko snapped.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"RAY! PAM STOP DANCING ON THE TABLES!" Cyril shouted. "Oh, great now I dropped my ice cream cone."

"Lana! Cyril made a mess!" Ray called out.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Okay maybe I want a different one this time?" Cyril paused. "Now do I want Butter Crunch? Butter Crunch Caramel? Butter Toffee Crunch…? Tip Top Toffee Crunch…?"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Then there's Cotton Candy," Cyril read. "Cotton Candy Crunch. Rainbow Candy. Rainbow Candy Crunch…"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Krieger will you stop your stupid toaster from shooting toast all over the place?" Lana snapped.

"Make me!" Krieger shouted back.

"Ooh! Cinnamon Toast Crunch sounds exciting…" Cyril remarked.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Make it stop!" One of the servers whined.

"NEVER!" Cheryl cackled with maniacal glee as she put another dollar in the tip jar.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"I'm starting to think this relationship is not going to work," Mitsuko said.

"I'm starting to think Ray has the right idea," Krieger grumbled.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Cheryl if you tip them one more time…" Lana warned.

"Okay!" Ray ran over and put a dollar in the tip jar.

"RAY!" Lana shouted.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl laughed.

"It's not funny!" Lana said. "PAM NO!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Why did you put a dollar in the tip jar?" Lana asked.

"I didn't want to be left out," Pam said. "Plus, they're good singers."

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Okay who tipped them this time?" Lana did a double take.

"It was a reflex!" Cyril protested. "I felt bad."

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Oh for crying out…" Lana groaned as she saw Cheryl tip again.

"Hey they're making good money," Cheryl said. "I've got a couple hundred dollars in ones easily!"

"Oh God no…" A server groaned.

"I'm losing my voice…" A female server moaned.

"HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed as she tipped again.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"This job is so not worth it…" A male server moaned.

"Less talking, more singing Ice Cream Birdies!" Cheryl put another dollar tip in the jar.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"You're starting to sound a little flat," Cheryl said as she put in another dollar. "Put some feeling into it."

"I'm losing feeling in my throat…" A male server moaned.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"Why are you looking around?" Mitsuko noticed Krieger was looking around.

"No reason," Krieger coughed. "Hey! This Scotch On The Rocks Ripple is really good!"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"AJ stop running around," Lana sighed. "Ray! Pam! Stop encouraging her!"

"You're supposed to encourage children!" Ray snapped.

"YEAH!" Pam added.

"Not to act like hyperactive loons!" Lana snapped.

"She's got Archer's DNA for that," Cyril quipped.

"BURN!" Ray cheered.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any others! HEY!"

"What are you looking for?" Mitsuko asked Krieger.

"What is anybody looking for?" Krieger replied. "Does anybody really know what time it is?"

"I think it's a little after three," Cyril added.

"Does anybody really care?" Lana groaned.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From PH Fudderdudder's! We know you love our ice cream, more than any AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"What the…?" Lana did a double take and saw a rat in a top hat racing across the ice cream counter. "The health department is going to love this!"

"You promised me that you would not bring the rat!" Mitsuko shouted.

"Technically Ratly brought himself so…" Krieger shrugged.

"KRIEGER!" Lana, Cyril, Pam and Ray shouted at the same time.

"Sing Ice Cream Birdies!" Cheryl laughed. "SING!"

"Screw the singing!" The teenage male server shouted. "I QUIT!"

"Me…Too…" The hoarse female server glared at Cheryl. Then she took out a scoop of ice cream and threw it at Cheryl.

SPLAT!

"AHHH!" Cheryl gasped as some blue ice cream splattered her face and dress. "I'm lactose intolerant!"

"GOOD!" Another female server shouted. Before all the servers started to throw ice cream at Cheryl. And then at everyone else.

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

"AAAAHHH!" Cyril was splattered with practically every kind of ice cream.

"LIST ALL THIS DUDE!" The teenage male server shouted.

SPLAT!

"HEY!" The male server realized he had gotten splatted with ice cream.

Pam and Ray were holding scoopers and ice cream gallons. "FOOD FIGHT!" Pam shouted. "RAAAAAAARRRRR!"

"Cry havoc and unleash the ice cream of war!" Ray used his bionic arm to rapidly shoot out ice cream.

"And the sprinkles of destruction!" Cheryl had made her way behind the counter and threw some sprinkles.

"AAHHH! MY EYES!" The teenage male server shouted.

"And of course…" Lana sighed as ice cream and sprinkles were being thrown everywhere. "The obligatory food fight…"

TOAST!

"As well as toast flying everywhere…" Lana sighed as Milton shot out rounds of toast.

"That's it!" Mitsuko flew off. "This date is over! Mitsuko out!"

"YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE!" Lana shouted over the chaos. "AJ COME ON! MOMMY'S GOING HOME!"

FLASHFORWARD!

Mallory looked at Lana. "So…Basically it was like our Spy of The Year banquets with Carol playing Sterling's part?"

"Yuup," Lana sighed.

"And I take it we are now banned from this establishment?" Mallory sighed.

"Nope," Lana sighed. "Guess whose company owns PH Fudderdudder's?"

"Oh, dear God…" Mallory groaned. "I suppose it's a comfort to know that's at least two or three fewer charges that will be pressed against us."

"I left AJ with Ron," Lana added. "She has a real case of the giggles. I think she accidentally tasted some of the Scotch On The Rocks Ripple when those servers threw all that ice cream around. I could smell it on her shirt. And mine. But other than that, she's fine. I certainly wasn't going to leave her alone with the idiots."

"Do I want to know why?"

Lana explained. "Because they all decided to go to the other PH Fudderdudder's in LA."

"I think I can see where this is going…" Mallory groaned. "The six o'clock news."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Good evening. This is Darlene Love with the six o'clock news," The familiar African-American reporter was sitting at an anchor desk. "A series of riots has broken out in LA's new ice cream chain. Employees at PH Fudderdudder's have started a mass walkout and are on strike, complaining of working conditions."

"You called it," Lana said to Mallory as they watched the television in Archer's room.

The striking employees were in the background of a ruined store singing. "We are striking at PH Fudderdudder's! They do not treat us well! We're standing up for our rights. And management can go to Hell! HEY!"

"I have to admit," Lana said. "It is a catchy tune."

"Apparently the worker's main complaint has to do with the store's tipping policy," Darlene reported. "We now go live to Greg Gergel on the street."

A bald young African American reporter was shown. "Darlene I am now standing in front of the Third Street PH Fudderdudder's where employees have taken to the streets en mass."

"We are striking at PH Fudderdudder's! They do not treat us well! We're standing up for our rights. And management can go to Hell! HEY!"

"According to sources within the new employee union," Greg reported. "This strike started due to unsafe working conditions and apparently unreasonable demands by management."

"We are striking at PH Fudderdudder's! They do not treat us well! We're standing up for our rights. And management can go to Hell! HEY!"

"It appears that management is currently in talks with…" Greg began to speak. Then he noticed the building behind him started to burst into flames. "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

"And here comes the fire…" Lana sighed. "I bet it was started by Cheryl."

"Oh definitely…" Mallory nodded.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cyril screamed and Cheryl ran out of the building covered in ice cream. They were being chased by several angry employees.

"I can't believe my employees started a fire without me!" Cheryl cried out. "NOT FAIR!"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TIP THEM!" Cyril shouted. "OR TRY TO MAKE THEM SING!"

"Huh, that's a twist," Lana blinked.

"YOU WANT A SONG?" A woman was heard shouting. "HERE'S A SONG FOR YOU! HIT IT!"

"We are striking at PH Fudderdudder's! They do not treat us well! We're standing up for our rights. And management can go to Hell! HEY!"

"BURN BABY BURN!" The male teenage server cackled madly.

"GET THEM! KILL MANAGEMENT!" The angry employees chased around Cyril and Cheryl. "STONE THEM WITH ROCKY ROAD!"

"I'M TECHNICALLY NOT MANAGEMENT!" Cyril pleaded. "I'M JUST A NEGOTIATOR!"

"STONE THE NEGOTIATOR!" Pam's voice was heard.

"DON'T FORGET THE TUNT WOMAN!" Ray's voice was heard. "GET HER!"

"They must have blended into the background," Mallory said. "Old trick."

"Smart trick…" Lana agreed.

"AAAAAHHHH!" Cyril and Cheryl ran for their lives as they were chased by the mob that was throwing ice cream at them. The store burned in the background. You could also see Ray and Pam try to hide among the crowd in the background. Well Ray was. Pam was happily waving to the TV.

"Great," Lana sighed. "Now Cyril and Cheryl are being stoned by Rocky Road. And Cheryl's losing millions of dollars in damages."

"Well what do you know?' Mallory remarked. "There is such a thing as good news on TV!"