What I Want Left Unseen

By Spunky0ne

XXXXXXXXXX

As he settles into his new life with Victor, Yuuri is unsuspecting that their first night as lovers is about to unleash a nightmare that neither of them could imagine. The source of Yuuri's anxiety is finally uncovered as a repressed memory returns, shaking the blissful couple to the core and threatening the happy home they've built together…Victor/Yuuri, Otabek/Yurio, Chris/Masumi

XXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 1: Best Dream…Worst Nightmare

Yuuri felt himself rising slowly out of sleep, and he found that he was sitting, reclined in the airplane seat in first class, where he had fallen asleep sometime before. A warm weight rested against his shoulder, and a soft twinge went through his insides as he caught Victor's pleasant scent. In his mind, he heard the echoes of his family's cheerful goodbyes that had sent the two off on their way to Saint Petersburg, Russia, where Yuuri would now be living with his coach, Victor.

Well, he's not just a coach anymore.

We've been playing at love all season, without coming right out and saying it. For my comfort, Victor always expressed his love and he encouraged me to express mine on the ice. I think both of us knew that it was more than that, from the beginning, but it took a long time for me to be ready to accept Victor's love, and also the love that I feel for him. It all became real when I put that gold ring on his finger and he put this one on mine. He said it out loud in front of everyone, that we would get married when I won gold. I didn't win gold in the Grand Prix Final, although Victor was so proud of me for winning silver. We separated for our countries' nationals, and for the European Nationals and the Four Continents competitions. We both won gold in each of them.

So…now I'll go to live with Victor in Russia, and after we compete in the world championships, Victor and I will be married.

I'm so very happy.

…but…

He thought about how Victor always liked to sleep naked, and that they'd not slept in the same bed in Hasetsu. They had slept with their beds pushed together, and had held hands and kissed each other goodnight while staying in the hotels in China, Moscow and Barcelona, but although Victor had continued to sleep naked in all of those places, he had been very careful to respect Yuuri's space. He hadn't crossed that last little divide to sleeping in Yuuri's arms. That, Yuuri thought, was something that Victor seemed to be patiently awaiting. But, just when it was supposed to happen, the Japanese skater couldn't really be sure.

Although we've talked about me living with Victor in Saint Petersburg, and our wedding plans are well underway for after worlds, what's not clear is what the sleeping arrangements will be when we arrive at Victor's house in Saint Petersburg. When I agreed to marry Victor, I knew that meant eventually we would have sex. I know that Victor will be gentle with me, because he knows that I've never had a lover…but…I'll admit, I'm kind of scared.

I don't know why.

I'm old enough that I'm not naïve about what sex will be like between us. We are both men, so we'll have anal sex. I know that means we'll have to prepare ourselves carefully and use plenty of lubricant. The technical part doesn't scare me.

I know everything to do.

I just…

"That's such a lovely blush on your cheeks," Victor whispered into his ear, making Yuuri startle and blink in surprise, "Are you thinking about me, or is it just the warmth from being asleep for awhile?"

"Hah," Yuuri laughed nervously, "I didn't know you were awake."

"Hmm," Victor said, rising off of Yuuri's shoulder and stretching, "Look at the time. We should be close now."

Victor leaned over slightly, sending another sweet breath of his scent across Yuuri's piqued senses as the two looked out the window at the sprawling Russian city they were descending towards. While there was no snow falling, there was a layer of it on the ground below them and Yuuri knew that it was probably going to be very cold when they left the airport. A soft ding sounded and the seatbelt light came on as the captain's voice pleasantly informed the plane's passengers that the time had come for them to land. Yuuri breathed in more deeply, shivering very slightly in anticipation as the plane dropped lower, then swept in for a smooth landing. He heard Victor sigh and felt his fiancé's hand on his forearm.

"I love Japan and I adore our family and friends there," Victor intoned softly, "but I have missed the home where I grew up."

"I can imagine," Yuuri acknowledged, giving Victor a sleepy smile.

"I hope you like it, here in Saint Petersburg," Victor said hopefully, squeezing Yuuri's hand, "It's going to be an adjustment."

"Yeah, but I lived in America for awhile. I'm okay with being away from Japan for long stretches. And I enjoyed visiting Moscow for the Rostelecom Cup."

Victor gave him a measured look.

"But, you're not just going to be visiting, this time. This is going to be your home now."

His words, too, sounded unusually uncertain for his normally bold and confident fiancé.

"I know," he chuckled, squeezing Victor's warm hand back, "It just might take a little time to sink in, that's all."

"Of course," Victor agreed, "We've been running around to so many places for all of our competitions. Even now, we'll only have a month before worlds, so we'll be busy training. We won't be able to slow down until after the competition."

And then it will get very real, Yuuri thought, We'll be married in Denmark this summer. We'll take our vows and seal our promises with a kiss, then Victor will be my husband…beautiful, famous Victor, will be mine…and I will be all his.

He trembled inside, and couldn't help noticing that it wasn't just anticipation.

I love Victor.

I really, really do.

So…why do I feel afraid?

I've known for a long time that what I feel for Victor isn't just respect or admiration. There was always something almost frighteningly intense underneath those feelings, something deep and profound. When Victor and I stood outside that beautiful church in Barcelona and I placed a gold ring on his finger, I saw it so very clearly. Victor and I are meant to be together. Neither of us can live without the other, now that we've found each other.

It's just taking our two lives and entwining them into something called marriage.

"Yuuri?"

He jumped a little at the sound of his fiancé's voice, and Victor tilted his head, looking at Yuuri questioningly. No, worriedly.

"I would ask you if you're all right," Victor went on, "but I see that you're not. It's all right. I understand if this is hard for you in some ways. You know you can just tell me. Whatever I can do to…"

"It's okay," Yuuri said, although he wasn't in any way sure if that was true, "Victor, you're already doing everything right. I'm glad to be going to live with you. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

"Hmm," Victor sighed, rubbing his chin for a moment and studying him more closely, "I don't think I do have the wrong idea. I think you're nervous, and it's okay if you are. I promise, we will take things slowly, now that we are in Russia. It's going to be an adjustment for both of us."

"I need to be able to speak Russian," Yuuri said anxiously, "I've been working on that online training course you recommended."

"Good, that will get you on your feet, language-wise. Just…in our home, I…"

Victor paused and took Yuuri's hands gently in his.

"I hope that in our home, we will speak English, the language that we've used the whole time we were falling in love."

Yuuri looked into Victor's lovely blue-green eyes and read the genuine affection supporting his words.

I was wondering what he felt about that. I've known for awhile that in general, Russian society expects that people visiting their country will at least make an attempt to learn the basics of communicating in their language, and there are plenty of apps and online language survival courses to help me do that. I don't doubt I'll be okay, but I've been anxious because if I had to give up speaking Japanese or speaking English, the language that Victor and I have always used with each other, I do feel like I'd be losing a part of myself.

I was being silly.

Victor has never wanted me to lose any part of myself. He has only ever wanted me to discover and embrace more of myself. It's no different with language. I will learn to speak Russian, but our main language with each other will still be English…although…I also think it's cute that Victor has started to speak Japanese to my family. Mom and Dad think it's so cute, and they are helpful in teaching him words and how to use the right words for different situations.

Yeah, I guess we're okay in that arena.

"You're inside your head again," Victor said, concern in his expression, "Yuuri, what can I do?"

Yuuri gave his fiancé a look of genuine gratitude and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

"You're already doing so much for me, Victor," he sighed, "Please don't let my little insecurities worry you. I'm okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm sure that living in Russia will be an adventure."

The little reassurance brought back Victor's infectious smile and happy banters. It was a relief to have him monopolize the conversation again as the two left the airplane and walked to the baggage claim together. They gathered a sleepy Maccachin and their belongings, and called for a ride. A short time later, they were heading through the snow lined streets to the penthouse suite of the Saint Petersburg apartment where Victor and Maccachin lived.

The old dog perked as he looked out the window and saw the familiar building. As soon as the car door opened, he bounded out, barking happily.

"Yes, Macca," Victor said, ruffling the hair on the old poodle's head, "it is good to be home, da?"

Maccachin barked and wagged his tail.

Victor and Yuuri retrieved their belongings, and the three rode the elevator to the top floor. Victor set down the things he'd been carrying and handed Yuuri a silver key. He accepted the key quietly and looked down at it, his heart throbbing a little in reaction.

"That is yours," Victor told him, I want you to embrace that my home and Macca's is now also your home, Yuuri. That doesn't need to wait for our wedding. I always want you to have this safe, happy place to come home to."

The throbbing in Yuuri's heart grew into a beautiful ache.

Sometimes the love between Victor and me swells so much that I feel like I'll drown. I never felt anything like this. I want it to last forever!

"Thank you, Victor," Yuuri managed, closing his very slightly trembling hand around the key, "That means a lot to me."

Victor's smile warmed.

"Come on, let's go inside."

Yuuri wasn't sure what was supposed to happen when the door to their suite opened, but his jaw dropped as he moved through the open door and into the entry, and he found himself in the middle of what had only been a picture in a magazine before.

Victor has been interviewed here, and I've seen pictures of it in magazines, so I knew in general what it looked like, but being here is…

"This is the entry and great room," Victor explained, "and the bedrooms are in the back."

Victor paused and took Yuuri's hands, looking down into the younger man's eyes as he continued.

"Now, I know that we've talked very little about the wedding and everything. I didn't want to put to much on your mind while we were still competing. Now that the season is over except for worlds, I just want to make you comfortable here and give you time to adjust. So…I will just tell you. Yuuri, you are welcome to share my room, if you feel ready to do that. I mean that we can sleep together now, but we don't have to. And…"

Victor paused and Yuuri was surprised to see a blush rise on his cheeks.

It's funny, and really kind of cute that Victor, who is so effortless at turning on his charm to the whole world, gets shy when he's alone with me, and his charm is genuine.

"Well, we've kissed and touched a bit, but…"

Victor paused again, and it made a smile tug at Yuuri's lips.

"You don't have to think that sleeping with me means you have to…do anything that you don't feel ready…"

"I'll sleep with you," Yuuri said suddenly, stopping Victor's words in their tracks and making the handsome Russian smile so beautifully that Yuuri was sure there must be tears in his eyes from just the brightness of it.

"Good!" Victor laughed, grabbing his hand, "Let's go and put our things away.

It was good, letting his worries slip away while he and Victor focused their attention on settling in and making something to eat. Then, while they were eating, Victor slowly related everything he thought Yuuri would need to know about living in Russia, and about the apartment. They moved on to talking about their training schedules and Victor promised to show him the route to the nearby ice rink.

The two men finished the last of their meal, then Yuuri helped with the dishes, and they walked back to the bedroom.

Victor likes to bathe in the evening, like I do. In Hasetsu, we soaked in the hot spring together, then separated to shower after. In China, after Victor surprised me with that kiss, we started to shower together too.

He followed Victor into the large master suite and then into the bathroom. Victor gave him a funny, curious little look and smiled at him.

"Do you want to shower with me, Yuuri?" he asked, almost shyly.

"Sure," Yuuri chuckled, "I'm used to it, after all, and you have a huge shower."

"It is great, isn't it?" Victor laughed.

He distracted Yuuri for a few minutes, explaining how the different buttons of the shower head worked, then Victor undressed and stepped in, leaving the glass door open for Yuuri. Yuuri took a steadying breath and let his clothing fall on the floor near his fiancé's. He entered the shower and closed the door behind him. Victor extended a hand, and Yuuri accepted instantly. It felt safe and comfortable in Victor's hugging arms as the water rained down on them.

Victor's hugging arms and his warm lips feel so familiar now. I love how it feels when he licks my lips and pushes his tongue between them. Victor's eyes close when he kisses me, and he gets a look on his face like he's having the most beautiful, wonderful dream.

But all of this is real.

Victor's hands are gentle when he bathes me. It's like he's touching something fragile and beloved. Sometimes, I see this little shadow of something sad beneath his smile. I know that there are things I still have to learn about this man, but now that we're here in Saint Petersburg and about to be married, there's time for us to slow down and really talk about the things we don't know.

For example, I know nothing at all about Victor's family, except that Victor, being a prodigy, was accepted into a government funded training program, so he lived away from home beginning at a very young age. He's never said a word about his family, and the press stopped asking him questions about that long ago.

I wonder if we'll talk about it now.

But…Victor seems to be focused on something other than talking.

Victor's hands curved around Yuuri's bare bottom, squeezing and pulling Yuuri closer to him, while the two men kissed and deeply explored each others' mouths.

Victor looks so happy, so blissful.

"I love you."

The sudden, very softly spoken declaration burned Yuuri's ear with it's beauty and sincerity. His throat tightened and he felt tears in his eyes. He blinked, hoping that it just looked like water had gotten into them. Victor was looking at him so hopefully, making Yuuri's heart flop around in his chest like a fish on dry land.

"I love you too," he answered.

Victor's smile blossomed almost heartbreakingly, melting Yuuri in his fiancé's arms. They kissed more hungrily, and he felt Victor's hands begin to explore him with more urgency. He shivered, though the water was warm. Immediately, Victor's hands froze, and Yuuri looked up to find Victor was watching him closely.

"Is it okay?" he asked, "Am I moving too quickly for you?"

Yuuri shook his head.

"No, I'm okay. Just…a little nervous."

Victor let out a little breath, and he caressed Yuuri's back and bottom affectionately.

"Let's go more slowly, then."

"You don't have to," Yuuri assured him, "You've been really patient already."

"And I will be even more patient," Victor insisted, "Yuuri, you never have to do something that makes you uncomfortable…even if that means that we won't go all the way and have anal sex."

"Wh-what?" Yuuri yelped, blushing brightly.

"Sorry," Victor apologized, touching Yuuri's red face and kissing his gaping mouth.

"Do you have to just say it out like that?" Yuuri complained.

"Sorry," Victor chuckled, "but we have to talk about it sometime. Yuuri, I just want you to know that if you're scared to have anal sex, we can take lots of time getting to that. I'll admit, I'm kind of scared too."

"Huh? You?" Yuuri mused, frowning, "Why? I mean, you've had lots of…"

"Girlfriends," Victor finished, "I've never been with a man before. And to be honest with you, I never felt curious about anal sex, so I never experimented."

"B-but, you want to do this…with me?" Yuuri asked, blinking and staring.

Victor took Yuuri's face in his hands and kissed him gently.

"I want to do everything with you," he confessed softly, "Yuuri, being with you is like…like stepping into a new world, and wanting to know every part of it. I want to know every part of you…and I want you to know every part of me."

Victor…

Beautiful, desirable Victor wants us to share everything.

This is the dream of a lifetime!

He sank happily into their next kisses, and he was blissfully happy as they finished their shower and dried each other before heading to the bed. They fell onto it, kissing more roughly, and Victor's hands lost some of their gentleness as his fingertips found Yuuri's perked nipples and stroked them. A hand slid down Yuuri's naked torso, honing in on his privates. They played slowly for several minutes, then Yuuri felt Victor's hand slip down lower. He felt just the slightest, curious touch on his sensitive entrance, then something dark and frightening welled up in his mind. He felt his heart start to race and he rolled away, tearing free of his surprised fiancé.

"No, stop!" he cried out, even more surprised at his own words.

Yuuri's hands clawed at the bedsheets and he turned his head away in shame.

"Yuuri!" Victor exclaimed in a worried voice, "Yuuri, what's wrong?"