Chapter 2: Our History

Victor watched in surprise as Yuuri pulled away from him, turning his head away, but not before Victor spotted the dark red flush that had broken out on his lover's face and throat. His heart pounded almost painfully, thinking he might have hurt Yuuri, but then he felt a flicker of realization and relaxed slightly.

Yuuri has never had a lover. He's probably just nervous about this being his first time. He gets anxious. I just need to be patient with him.

He waited silently for a moment, but Yuuri said nothing more and kept his head turned away.

"I'm sorry," Victor apologized, keeping his voice gentle and making no attempt to touch Yuuri, "I was moving too quickly, da?"

Y uuri neither moved nor gave any answer.

"Yuuri, did I hurt you?" he asked, blinking, "Did I frighten you?"

Yuuri shivered and swallowed hard.

"N-no, sorry, Victor," he said, finally finding his voice, "I…thought that I was ready, but…maybe I…need more time."

"Okay," Victor answered, giving him a reassuring smile, "we can just cuddle?"

Yuuri bit his lip gently and took a steadying breath.

"Sorry," he apologized again, "Victor, I think I need to sleep alone tonight."

Yuuri flinched inwardly at the look of mingled sadness and confusion that touched Victor's handsome face before he could quite control it.

"Okay, Yuuri," Victor answered, his voice shaking very slightly, "s-sure."

"I'm sorry," Yuuri persisted, "I'm really sorry, Victor! I can see you're upset."

"No, I'm not," Victor lied, "It's okay, Yuuri. We've only just arrived here and we haven't been together before. I got overexcited and I pushed you too much."

"No, that's not what happened!" Yuuri exclaimed, "It's not your fault, really. I mean, I knew when you kissed me at the competition in China that we were probably going to have sex, at some point. I'm okay with the idea. I just…need more time to feel comfortable with it. That's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just…I'm anxious and I need time to calm down."

Victor gave him a gentler smile.

"Then, if you need to calm down, let me hold you," he offered, extending his arms, "Let me comfort you, like I always do when you skate."

He sucked in a shocked breath as Yuuri cringed away from him.

"Yuuri?" he managed, his voice almost a whimper, "You know I love you. You know I would never, ever do anything you didn't want me to, right? You trust me?"

Yuuri's face took on a devastated look.

"Of course I trust you," he insisted.

"Then…why? Why don't you even want to sleep next to me? I promised I wouldn't do anything, and I won't. We slept in the same room in hotels, and you even came into my room and fell asleep sometimes in Hasetsu. Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms? I don't mean to put pressure on you, I just don't understand what I did wrong. I must have done something to make you not even able to sleep near me."

"No, you…"

"Whatever it is, just tell me."

Yuuri made a sound of frustration.

"There is nothing to tell. Please, just try to understand. W-we can talk later, after I've had some time," he said, slipping out of the bed, "I promise we'll talk. We'll figure this out, just…not right now."

Victor swallowed hard and nodded.

"All right. Do what you need to do, Yuuri."

"Are you gonna be okay, Victor?" Yuuri asked nervously.

"I will be fine," Victor assured him, "I'm more worried about you. You seem really upset."

"I'll be okay. I…I'll see you in the morning," Yuuri promised.

"Okay, Yuuri," Victor relented.

He watched with stricken eyes as Yuuri fled the room, then he sat, gazing quietly into the darkness.

I don't understand this at all. Yuuri seemed to be looking forward to us sharing our love this way. He was with me at the beginning, but as soon as it started to get serious, he got scared. Maybe it is like he said, and he just needs time, but something is nagging at me about that. Something just doesn't feel right.

Yuuri, why won't you talk to me?

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri reached the guest room in Victor's home and shut the door behind him, placing his back against it. His heart pounded painfully in his chest and guilt wracked his tormented mind. He took slow, steadying breaths, closing his eyes as he pondered what had happened.

I don't understand.

I have been looking forward to being with Victor sexually. I've talked to my counselor about it and made sure that I understood all I needed to know about homosexual intercourse. I didn't feel scared before, thinking of Victor touching me, thinking of him putting his fingers or his penis inside of me. And Victor made it clear that even though he was nervous because it was going to be his first time too, he was looking forward to sharing that experience with me.

Was it just nerves?

But…there was this moment when I thought that I saw a flash of something. It was dark and really hard to understand. It was like I was lying on my back and someone was on top of me. I smelled alcohol and cigarettes.

Victor and I don't smoke.

What was it that I saw while Victor was beginning to make love to me? I haven't been with anyone sexually…

Yuuri paused, shivering as he heard a cold, male voice with a Russian accent that was different from Victor's.

"That's right. If you want to be like him, then you have to prove that you can put on a perfect performance."

Yuuri's legs shook and he wrapped quaking arms around himself as he slid to the floor.

What's wrong with me!

He knelt on the floor with the deep silence of Victor's home ringing in his ears and his mind straining to understand, but even as time passed and his body grew chilled, he couldn't make sense of the fireshot image he had seen, or that harsh, mocking voice.

It's so weird! Why did being with Victor, who is my first and only lover, make me feel this way? What is this thing that feels like memory, but that I don't recall really having happened? I mean, it would make sense if I was anxiously imagining Victor doing something that accidentally hurt me or something, but what I saw wasn't even about Victor.

It was about someone else.

He wracked his mind, trying hard to think if he had ever met someone who even reminded him of the shape of the man he had glimpsed on top of him, or if he could connect the voice to a person. But as time passed and his body grew stiff from kneeling there, he was still no closer to figuring out what had happened. He somehow managed to crawl to the bed and he laid on top of the covers, with both the cold and his nerves making him shiver. It was a long time before he managed to drop off to sleep.

Yuuri wasn't sure how long he laid in the bed, but it was light when he opened his eyes again, and he woke to find a warm blanket had been laid over him and fresh hot green tea waited at his bedside.

While Victor was in Japan, coaching me, he learned about some of our customs, and Mom taught him how to make the soothing tea she would give me to calm my nerves.

He sat up in the bed and looked around until he found his glasses. His breath caught at the time that was displayed on the clock.

Wow, how did it get to be so late? Is this just everything catching up with me?

He picked up the cup of tea and sipped slowly, savoring the familiar taste.

I always thought that I could feel the love that went into this tea when Mom would make it. I feel Victor's love in it now.

I really hope that Victor's not upset with me. I didn't mean to hurt him, I just didn't know how to explain what I was seeing and feeling. It's so strange that it would be like that while we were together for our first time. I can't think of anything that explains it.

A soft tapping on the door made him look up.

"Come in."

The door opened and Victor entered the room, dressed in casual clothes for a non-skating day. Yuuri admired how, even in regular street clothes, the Russian skater looked so handsome. He flinched a little at the residual worry that he read in his lover's anxious blue-green eyes.

"Thanks for the tea," Yuuri said gratefully.

"It's okay. It was nothing. Hiroko-san taught me how to make it to soothe you when you are stressed out. Are you hungry, Yuuri? I can make you something."

He's trying so hard to be patient with me, even though I can tell he's been so worried he couldn't sleep well at all.

"Have you eaten?" he asked, "Do you want to make something together?"

Victor gave him a smile that didn't quite reach his weary eyes.

"Of course. I would like that."

His voice even sounds tired. I feel so bad, having made Victor worry! What can I do to make him feel better? He gave me the space I needed last night, even though I can tell it wasn't easy for him. I need to let him know I appreciate it, and that we'll be okay.

He focused his eyes on Victor's and smiled.

"Maybe you can show me how you make your favorite breakfast?" he suggested.

The words seemed to lift the weight of worry from Victor, and he smiled more warmly.

"Okay," Victor answered gamely, "I will go and lay everything out while you dress."

Yuuri climbed out of the bed and found his suitcase that Victor had moved to his guest room, then he hurriedly put on fresh clothes and saw to his morning hygiene. He left the bathroom and walked to the kitchen, where he found Victor waiting with ingredients laid out on the counter. Yuuri studied the ingredients, then looked at Victor.

"This looks like maybe pancakes?" he asked.

"Mmhmm," Victor affirmed, "but these are made with Tvorog, or you might call it, Farmer's Cheese?"

"Oh, that must give it an interesting texture."

"Yes, and flavor too."

The two skaters smiled and chatted more casually as Victor showed Yuuri the way to make the pancakes, then the two sat down at the table to try them with the different toppings.

"These are so good!" Yuuri sighed as he finished his third serving of the delicious pancakes, "I can see why you like them so much."

"I'm glad you like them," Victor said appreciatively, "I'm really hoping that you enjoy living with me, here in Saint Petersburg."

Yuuri didn't miss the little hint of uncertainty in Victor's voice and he hastened to reassure him.

"Victor, look, I'm sorry about last night," he began.

"You don't have to apologize," Victor chided him gently, "I don't know what happened, or how I can help, but I do hope that you know I'm here for you, whatever you need."

"I know that," Yuuri answered, taking Victor's hands in his and kissing his fingertips tenderly, "and the truth is…I don't know what happened exactly."

He thought carefully for a moment before continuing.

"At first, I felt fine," he explained, looking into Victor's calm, accepting gaze, "I trust you, even though we're both doing something we haven't before. I know that you would never do anything to hurt or frighten me."

"I wouldn't," Victor agreed, "not ever."

"Like I said, I trust you, and I was enjoying being with you. It feels good when we kiss and touch each other."

"You did seem fine until I undressed you and…touched you on…well, in that certain place."

"Yeah," Yuuri agreed, his face flushing, "Sorry."

"I told you, you don't have to apologize," Victor reassured him, "Can you tell me anything specific about what you felt or maybe thoughts you had? Is that pushing too much?"

"N-no," Yuuri answered, frowning as he closed his eyes and recalled the uncomfortable flash image he had seen, "It's really strange, Victor. When you touched me…down there, I saw something. It was weird. It felt like I was remembering something, but…I know it wasn't my memory! At least, if it was, I don't recall it happening."

"Okay," Victor said in an encouraging tone, "Can you tell me what you saw that you couldn't remember really happening?"

Yuuri shivered and took a steadying breath.

"Ah…I uh…I was lying on my back and looking up at…at blue ceiling. Th-there was a man. It was dark in the vision. I couldn't see his face, but he was…"

Yuuri paused and seemed lost for words. Victor moved closer and slipped an arm around him.

"He was…?" the Russian skater prompted him.

"This man…he was on top of me. I remember that I was crying and he was scolding me. I don't remember the exact words, just that his breath smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, and his voice was…sort of like yours, but kind of…different."

"That is very strange," Victor agreed, "I can see why you were unnerved. It's okay, Yuuri. Maybe it's like you said. You just aren't ready to move forward. And there doesn't have to be any hurry. We are free to take our time opening up and growing closer. I just love being with you and being your coach and your lover. We can take things as slowly as you want…just…"

Victor's blush was so cute Yuuri felt his heart melting in his chest.

"Will you please come back to sleeping in my bed with me?" he asked tentatively, "I just love so much holding Yuuri in my arms and telling myself that you are really here and you are staying with me.

"Sure," Yuuri chuckled, regaining some equilibrium as Victor's reassurances steadied his nerves, "I feel bad that I made you worry, and that you blamed yourself. You see now, it wasn't you at all. I just had that strange…vision and it unsettled me. I thought things through and I think I'll be okay now."

"I'm glad," Victor sighed, laying his head on Yuuri's shoulder, "I was really very worried."

"Well, you don't have to be," Yuuri said, hugging him tightly, "I'm okay. I'll be all right now."