The men spent their time for next three days rotating between their usual duties and sitting next to Ezra's bed as he drifted in and out of awareness. He never managed to stay conscious for more than a moment or two, and always had to be reassured that he was in fact safely home. Nathan had to do some reassuring of his own, convincing them that all appearances to the contrary, Ezra was getting better. The bruises got uglier before starting to show signs of healing, and he fought the fever throughout his slow recuperation. Self-recrimination seemed to be the repeating theme, as each of the team tried to apologize to him for what they saw as giving up too soon. He never responded, unable to stay awake through the confessions of guilt.

"You know," Vin suggested after completing after one such monologue, "I would be willing to bet a week's pay that you won't see it that way."

"I would presume you had better things to with your time."

Vin smiled at hearing a bit more alertness this go around. "Can't for the life of me figure what that would have been." Further comment was cut off as the door opened.

"Did I hear him actually answering you there, Vin?"

Chris passed over the cup of coffee he had brought, while Nathan made his way to the bed for the regular check-up.

"Think you can stay awake for a few minutes this time Ezra? Really would like to try to get some food into you. Only so long you can survive on my teas." Nathan felt for fever and determined it seemed to have finally stopped trying to return. He checked the bandages on Ezra's hands, watching for reactions, and was relieved to see the man flinch in discomfort. "Not smiling at your pain Ezra. Just glad to see the feeling is there. Your hands took a beating, and we all know how particular you are about keeping them in good shape. You should be shuffling again in no time."

Ezra tried shifting on the bed and couldn't contain the groans that were generated by the effort. "At least that offers one moment of relief in what is otherwise a sea of misery. As for your initial suggestion Mr. Jackson, I do not believe that a meal would be well received at this point."

"Not talking about meat and potatoes, just some broth and maybe a bit of bread. Need to start you off slow, but you have to work at getting your strength back."

"Yeah, 'cause they keep telling me I can't chew you out for being such a fool until you're feeling better." Assuming the small groan was a reaction to discomfort rather than what was said, Chris continued. "Next time I send you to search an area, stick to that spot Ezra. Never seen a man who could find so many ways of getting himself into trouble."

There was no denying the truth of that. Taking a moment to look at the faces staring down at him, Ezra was surprised to see they looked almost as tired as he felt. Then again, he imagined with what had transpired in the past few days, they had the right to feel that way. The fact that they had needed to search for him as well as deal with everything else that had been going on only made him want to burrow deeper into his bed.

"I am truly sorry."

Chris was taken aback by the submissiveness in the tone of the simple sentence. "Ah shit Ezra. Don't be sorry. I wasn't serious about what I said."

"Not that. Not just that. About the boys. I tried to find them but failed."

That was the last thing he'd expected to hear as an apology. Truth was, he didn't expect one at all.

"In the first place Standish, you can't find something that ain't where you're looking. I gave you directions, and for once in your life you followed them." Chris knew he should stop talking before he regretted it, but he was still annoyed with Ezra for getting himself into such a potentially deadly situation. "Course that wasn't enough for you and you kept going, which is what caused all this mess. Still, not finding Jimmy and Harry isn't your fault."

Ezra felt his throat tighten at the words. "Neither boy was even found?" He couldn't imagine what that would be like for the families. "And you wasted valuable time searching for me?"

Chris stared for a moment, processing what he was hearing. Vin stepped into the void. "Whoa there Pard. You're missing a few parts of the story. Josiah found them both, safe and sound. Boys are just fine."

Ezra tried to shake his head but found even that simple gesture took more energy than he could find. "Then why?"

"Why what?"

"The wreaths. I saw black wreaths when I arrived. If not for the boys…"

Chris was surprised Ezra would have been able to take note of anything, the state he was in. Leave it to him to focus on something like that. "They were for you."

"Absurd."

"Not absurd, just wrong. But when we found… well, with what we found, we figured we'd lost you in that damn river."

They had thought him dead? The notion had not really occurred to him, in large part, he realized, because he could not imagine that they would have cared one whit about that fact. What made it even more confounding to him was the sadness that crept into Chris's voice as he had made the statement. It took him only a moment to figure out the conundrum. His failure to return from the search clearly left the others with the impression he had once again run out on them. Once again, he had let them down. It was easy to understand why they would accept his death over the idea they had misplaced their trust. Would there ever come a time in his life when he wasn't proving his irrelevance in this world?

Nathan didn't think it was possible for his patient to look any paler, but once again Ezra proved him wrong. He quickly went to the bedside.

"Just close your eyes and focus on breathing slow and easy Ezra. Deep breathes are not a good idea yet. Slow. Chris and Vin are going to leave you now so you can rest." He glared at the two men to defy him, and of course, both did.

Chris kept speaking. "We looked for you Ezra, but…" How did you tell someone you had given up on them?

"I understand. There were other concerns of a more pressing priority."

"No damn it!" Vin stepped forward. "You don't understand. There was nothing more important and we weren't wasting our time looking. We searched until we were convinced you must be dead. Damn near killed us to accept that."

Ezra opened his eyes to look at them all. He must have been more seriously injured than he thought, because nothing that was being said made any sense to him. The uncertainty on his face was evident and the reality of what it meant finally registered with Chris.

"What – you don't think anyone would grieve for you?"

"There has been little evidence to the contrary."

The comment hit Vin like a punch to the gut. How had they failed to see how vulnerable Ezra was underneath all of his bluster? "Well, if you had been awake enough for the past three days to know what was happening, you'd have your evidence. Chris here damn near worked a hole into the floor pacing back and forth waiting for you to wake up. Josiah plum wore out the knees on his trousers with all the prayin' he's been doing. Nathan – hell, he's hardly been sleeping what with checking on you every time you moaned or twitched. Buck has been grittin' his teeth like he could bite the sites off a six-gun. And JD's been jumpier than a girl on her first date."

"Of course, Vin has been calm and cool. Fact that he ain't been more that 10 feet from the clinic is just a coincidence." Chris could see Ezra still couldn't accept what was being said. "We were scared. Pure and simple. First when we couldn't find you, and then when we thought it was too late."

Clearly he had hit his head at some point and was still dreaming. It was the only feasible explanation Ezra could reach for the reactions listed and for what he was seeing and hearing now. If he could find the energy to do so, he would have pinched himself to confirm his suspicions. A soft tapping at the door stopped him before he could make the effort.

"We were wondering why you hadn't come back down. Kinda hoping this was the reason." JD's smile nearly split his face.

Josiah was quiet as he gently pushed his way through to get next to the bed. "Guess sometimes even sinners like me get a prayer answered."

"Surely your interactions with the Divine should be reserved for more deserving souls."

There was disbelief on the faces of the newcomers to the room. Chris, on the other hand, had heard enough. "Damn it Ezra, ya gotta stop that shit."

"You are a part of this team. A part of this town." Vin was almost pleading with him to accept that, to no avail.

"I am a contrivance and a convenience at best, and to judge by past observations a burden and a challenge more often than not. Please, do not concern yourself with this. It is a fact of my life I have long since come to accept."

"If you feel that way, why'd you go out in the storm in the first place?" It was time to put an end to this crap once and for all.

Ezra managed a weak shrug, trying to appear dismissive of the question. "Given the fact, Mr. Larabee, that I am supposed to be a representative of law and order – a fact which never fails to amuse me – it was prudent that I maintain that pretence by involving myself in the quest."

Buck was getting as frustrated by this as his friends were. "Bullshit. You could have said you were staying here to keep an eye on things. Or headed back as soon as you'd covered your turf."

"Staying back would not have been a prudent plan Mr. Wilmington, as our leader would have vetoed such a proposal instantly."

"You did it because it was the right thing to do. The only thing you could do. The man that your pretending to be right now – he's history. You just don't seem to be ready to see that."

"Josiah's right Ezra." Nathan's voice was subdued. "Worst part is, you aren't the only one denying it. I haven't exactly been willing to acknowledge you aren't the same man who didn't want to ride with me in the past, even though I know for a fact that's the God's truth."

Chris stepped forward. "We've mostly all had problems with that, and it needs to stop now. From all of us. Including you."

There was a moment of silence in the room as they waited for a response. Ezra was sure he was too tired to process all of this. He'd seen far too many scams and cons over the years to accept anything that anyone said at face value. But search though he might, he couldn't find a false note in anything they said. Every eye met his, every face held firm. If this was a bluff, it was the best he had ever seen.

"Ezra." JD spoke hesitantly. "Why would you fight so hard to get back here, why would you have even stayed around if you didn't think – even just a little – that we all wanted you here?"

The sincerity of the question made if impossible for him to lie to the young man. "I would suppose Mr. Dunne, is that for the first time I can recall, I wanted even some of what you are all suggesting to be true." He cleared his throat, uncomfortable with the direction this had taken.

"Of course, any illusion of my worthiness for undertaking a role in this search has clearly been negated by the outcome."

They all looked at him with confusion evident.

"It was hardly a stellar moment in my short tenure in Four Corners. I am not certain there has been a more embarrassing episode to speak of."

JD was shocked. "Are you kidding? We've only been able to guess at what must have happened, but damn it Ezra, the fact you made it back here was nothing but amazing. Just like an adventure in one of my books."

"It was hardly an heroic or noble accomplishment. I got thrown by a horse, tossed into a river, slept in the mud and made my triumphant return on the back of a mule. Hardly the impressive exploit upon which epic tales are based."

"You listen to me Standish. What you did out there – looking and not giving up; and what you did after, fighting like a son of a bitch to get yourself back here. That was heroic and noble and impressive and any other fancy word you want to put to it. That's the stuff that makes me – all of us – proud to call you our friend."

He could hear the sincerity, see it in the looks they were all giving him, but still could not bring himself to believe it. The gambler looked away, allowing the words and everything they meant to sink in. Could he allow himself the luxury of believing the remarks were sincere? Had he, finally, done something worthy of commendation from these decent men?

Chris was at a loss for how to get through to him. What could he say that would finally make some kind of difference? It took a minute, but a wry smile came to him. He looked down, waiting until he had Ezra's full attention. "I don't know what else to tell you Ezra. Ya done good."

The silence in the room was becoming overwhelming as six men waited for a sign that they had broken through the barrier. Ezra turned his head back, a smile ghosting over his face. "Thank you Mr. Larabee. I dare say you all put forth an exemplary endeavour as well, and I assure you, your efforts are appreciated."

Vin laughed. "You were right Nathan – he's gonna be his old self again."

"Damned fool couldn't just say thanks if his life depended on it." Buck added.

"OK, enough. He may sound like he's better, but he needs rest. Everybody out." Nathan stood and opened the door. His tone left no room for discussion, and the men slowly filtered out. Chris was the last, stopping at the bed and bending low to speak quietly.

"You're welcome Ezra. Good to have you home."

M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7

The End