Enigma

Tulip Jones did not ever think she would have to investigate the murder of Alan Blunt. Many agents had been killed over the years, yes, but she had never even considered the possibility that this might happen. It was almost unreal, in a way. Alan Blunt had been brutally murdered. Except, this murder was suspicious. It had duplicated every injury received on assignment by one Agent Alex Rider. Tulip did not think the man had committed the crime, but the fact remained that it had to have either been him, someone with access to his file, or someone close enough to him to know all of the details. Due to certain past events - mostly due to Alex's recruitment age - this was actually being investigated by an outside party. Tulip was not very happy with that, but there was, for once, not much she could do about it in terms of getting rid of the investigation. Blunt's wife had been clueless and quite shocked to find out her husband's true career after his death. The woman had taken it quite hard. Tulip didn't really blame the woman. It must have been a nasty shock to find out her husband was dead and that Alan wasn't who he said he was for the past few decades. Alex had been civil at the funeral, at least. Tulip had been quite surprised that the young man had been that compassionate. Then again, finding out Ian was a spy after nearly thirteen years of living with him and only after his death must have been a similarly nasty discovery. Alex had gone looking for answers, of course, but that wouldn't have been much of a consolation to cushion the blow. Speak of the devil. "Hello, Tulip."

Alex seemed to appear from nowhere. Tulip knew it was an illusion, of course, but that didn't stop her from jumping a little bit. "Alex."

Alex sat down in front of her desk. "So, what am I here for?"

Tulip sighed. "We're being investigated for Alan's death."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Of course we are. If it's not murderous SCORPIA politics I have to deal with, it's murderous MI6 politics."

Tulip snapped at him. "For your information, this is only the third time this has happened."

Alex tilted back in his chair. "Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Tulip."

Alex didn't seem to believe her. Tulip decided it was a lost cause to try to get an explanation out of him. "So why am I in your office if we technically might be co-conspirators?"

Tulip puffed up a bit. "I do have some influence. And, technically, I'm your legal guardian and since you're only seventeen I can demand to be present."

Alex just sort of shrugged. He'd kind of forgotten he actually had a legal guardian. The door opened with a bang.

Alex didn't jump but noticed Tulip flinched ever so slightly. "Agent Rider. I'm Agent Evans. I'm here to investigate the death of Alan Blunt."

Alex raised an eyebrow and attempted to channel Yassen. "I don't see why I'm here."

Evans just looked at him and opened the top file in his stack. "You have a documented history of issues with your former employer. Three counts of signing him up for unnecessary colonoscopies as "Richard Dickson" his "assistant". Numerous pranks on his house, including setting his lawn on fire, saran-wrapping his car, blowing up his mailbox, and calling in several dozen "crime tips". Not to mention, you sent his contact information to fifty support groups for pathological liars."

Alex scoffed. "I thought it was funny. Besides, there's a difference between harmless pranks and wanting to kill somebody. You should try pranks some time; you look like you could use a bit of fun to get that broom out of your ass."

Alex heard a cough from Tulip that sounded suspiciously like a snort. "Agent Rider. Please try to have a sense of decorum."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Besides, we made up. He thought my pranks made his retirement exciting. I even got a bottle of scotch from the man."

Evans did not look at all happy about that. "Yes, well, his unorthodox methods didn't do him much good in the end, now did they?"

Alex smirked. He liked poking buttons. Even more so if they were blatantly obvious. "Get passed up for a promotion we wanted, did we, Evans? Let me guess, they told you that you weren't original enough and you weren't a match for his tactics. Blunt may have been unsavory, but he was one hell of a lot smarter than you, Evans. Why don't you go home and let Tulip finish this."

Evans looked like he was about to punch Alex, so Alex knew he was right on the mark. The man was flushed and practically steaming. "Get out!"

Alex cheerfully rose from his chair. "I guess I'm cleared. See ya, Tulip!"

Tulip was eyeing Evans with a mix of nervousness and amused sadism. She hadn't really appreciated his attempts to take her former position. He'd gotten the politicians involved, after all. Then again, he had political pull. "Sorry, he's taking Alan's death quite hard."

It was complete bullshit and Tulip was shocked Alex hadn't thrown a party yet, but Evans didn't have to know that. The man took a few breaths. "I'm sure. Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone."

Tulip knew that the man had been divorced by his wife, whom he'd cheated on numerous times. The man had taken it quite hard. Evans turned towards her. "So, Tulip, where were you between ten and two on the day of Alan Blunt's death."

Tulip sighed. "In my apartment. You should find camera records proving this at the place."

Evans made a note. "I'll check it out."

Tulip knew he would find the records confirming exactly that. She knew that it wasn't her. Tulip was pretty sure it wasn't Alex, either. Alex was still pretty nice for Special Operations. If it had just been a bullet, she might have been more suspicious, but this had taken sustained torture over several hours. Alex wasn't really known for his delicate precision, either. If he wanted Blunt dead, the entire block would probably be annihilated and in dire need of a clean-up of hazardous materials. "Alex is probably clean. He's...rather explosive when it comes to that sort of thing."

Evans just looked at her. Tulip realized she had just made a terrible pun. "I figured as much, but there is still a procedure to be followed. Who do you actually think is responsible?"

Tulip sat back and tapped her pen. This had a distinct flavor to it, but they had stomped out most of SCORPIA's major branches. Then again, Alex's classmates and teachers had a nasty habit of escaping confinement through loopholes in security that were previously thought to be impenetrable. Tulip remembered that Alex had been quite popular in school, once upon a time. Would it have been the same at assassin school? Tulip would think not, but she had no way of knowing. None of the people who had interviewed the assassins had heard a peep about Alex or Malagosto. It was actually kind of suspicious, come to think of it. Alex hadn't exactly volunteered much information about the social atmosphere of the school. Sure, he'd given them details, but they were more of the concrete variety. "Maybe an enemy leftover in a SCORPIA remnant? Alan was pretty key in taking them down, after all. It would have caused quite a few assassins to have more difficult lives, after all. This is their style."

Evans sighed. "I thought we were done with this nonsense after the raids."

Tulip shook her head. "No, the people we missed or left seem to rise up again like a bad foot fungus."

Evans looked at her file and shook his head. "You two are mostly clear for now. I have to run and re-do all the exit interviews now."

Tulip kept her face expressionless. Well, the man had so kindly volunteered for the job. It wasn't Tulip's fault if she knew how to do it better than he did and decided not to help. "Have a nice day."

Evans stood and left. "You, too."

Tulip waited until the man had left and paged Crawley. "Start an investigation into SCORPIA remnant activities."

Crawley could handle an investigation like this. "Yes, ma'am."

Walker was back to his favorite hobby of stalking Alex. It wasn't that stalky to know where he lived and went to school, right? And how many times he ordered takeout and...Walker was just going to stop there. Look, he knew he had a problem; there just wasn't anything he was willing to do about it. He may not be that great as an assassin, but he was a good spy. Or he had been before SCORPIA. Walker knew Alex had a nasty habit of rescuing his former classmates and instructors. He wasn't quite sure why. Alex was weird. You could almost believe he was genuinely nice, right up until the point he chucked you out of a hot air balloon, into a plane engine, or off a water tower, or you know, was generally lethal. Walker wondered if that wasn't his strategy. I mean, to be fair, he had been pretty disarming. Look, nobody volunteered to drag another person through the African Congo with an infection and a concussion unless they wanted something. Plus, Alex had helped him pass almost half of his classes before that. The kid obviously saw something in him, but Walker had no clue what it was. Alex was the first person who had ever seriously believed in him. It shouldn't sting anymore, but it did. Gordon loved to rub in the fact that Alex could have left him to die every single conversation the redhead could get away with slipping that fact in. Not to mention, Walker was insanely jealous that the man had gotten to spend more time with Alex than him. Albeit, it was in a cell or very tense housing conditions, but still. He was ninety percent sure that Gordon knew full well that he had a huge obsession with his former classmates. I mean, it was strategic stalking. Sure, he could put other people on it, but Alex was skilled at spotting tails and Walker didn't really trust anybody to pull it off. The excuses sounded pretty weak, even to him. Amanda and Klaus were also in town. How come nobody ever gave them shit when they went to London? Speaking of the two. "Hello, Walker."

Walker sighed. "What do you two want?"

Klaus went to one side and Amanda was on the other. "We are joining in on your Alex hobby."

Walker huffed. "Oh, come on. I do this for peace and quiet. He goes to a normal school and it is suspiciously orderly. I mean, he's only burned down the place once."

Klaus replied in a deadpan. "Near superhuman restraint, that one."

Walker couldn't tell if the man was joking or not. Amanda swatted them both. "We are about to be spotted."

Walker gave Amanda a playful look. "C'mon Amanda, that building just looks so hideous. And they put large sunny windows in the math class walls."

Amanda smirked. "Or maybe, Alex isn't a pyromaniac, Walker, did you consider that?"

Walker snorted. "He burns, like, every single building he infiltrates down to the ground, Amanda-"

Walker was cut off by the school bell. Walker knew they were caught when Alex headed straight for the car the three of them were in. He felt a tiny bit of dread that was almost immediately replaced with a thrill of adrenaline.

"What are you three doing at my school?"

Walker huffed. "I don't have to answer that honestly."

Alex retorted. "Look, Walker, we know you failed out of high school, but even you should know that making up the lessons happens inside the building by now."

Walker was not one to back down from a taunt like that. "Hey, Alex, I think your advocacy teacher from primary school is calling you. They said not to talk to weird adult strangers."

Alex opened his mouth to reply, but looked at the other two and closed it. "Okay, usually it's only Walker stalking me in the, admittedly non-sketch looking, vehicles. What are you two doing here?"

Amanda sighed. "Alan Blunt is dead."

Alex shrugged. "Yeah, I know. I already got interviewed because of it."

Walker gave him a look. "So, did you do it?"

Walker was promptly whacked upside the head by Klaus. "No, of course not."

All of them pretty much rolled their eyes at that. Walker paid Klaus's light smack absolutely no heed. "So, what's your excuse this time?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "I was doing homework. With my friends. From actual school."

Cue protests from Walker. "Malagosto was totally a legit school, what are you talking about?!"

Amanda was shaking silently. Alex hoped it was laughter. "The grades for half the classes were completely subjective."

Walker retorted. "It's a sign of competent teachers."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Plus, they didn't count for diddly. You were literally only passed on the merit of your final test, excluding shooting and RTI."

Walker, it seemed, had a reply for anything. "Project-based learning! Besides, plenty of colleges do it like that."

Klaus and Amanda were well used to their bickering. Walker was very bad at actually focusing on his schoolwork in their study groups. "I still don't think it counts as a real school. I mean, it technically doesn't exist."

Walker huffed. "You technically don't exist. It doesn't stop people from "spontaneously dropping dead" or buildings from "spontaneously burning down" while you stand there making bad puns, now does it?!"

Alex wondered if Walker had gotten another cruddy assignment. The man was usually immune to Alex's first few attempts to wind him up. Alex had fun doing it, even though ticking off his assassin ex-classmates was probably not a very safe hobby. "I never said that. My excuses are way better than spontaneous combustion, thank you very much."

They were starting to draw stares. Alex opened the car door and hopped in. The three assassins just looked at him. "Here, now you can stalk me up close and personal. You can even keep an eye on me while you drive me home."

There was dead silence for almost the whole ride. It was Amanda who spoke next. "Alex...where is your sense of self-preservation?"

Alex opened the door and unbuckled his seat belt. "It died a long time ago, Amanda. Have a nice day."

It was only after Alex left that the three assassins shared a look. "Well, I can see why you stalk him now."

Walker was pissed. "Fuck off and find your own spy, Klaus."

Here they go. Amanda mentally sighed. Their class had pissed off the teachers with the bickering and the resulting punishment still hadn't fixed it. She blamed Alex. They had all been perfectly professional until Alex came along.

Alex walked into his house and sighed. This was his life now. Jack took one look at him and raised an eyebrow. "Which one of your degenerate, so-called-adult friends decided to sit outside the house in a car like a creep instead of coming in, now?"

Alex gave Jack an innocent look. "That's an awfully specific question."

Jack just gave him the evil eye. Alex really shouldn't have let Jet teach her how to spot his evasive replies. But, then again, his ex-teachers had been getting bored and Alex hadn't wanted to come back to his house blasted to smithereens. "Alex, just answer the question."

Alex sighed. "Erm, Walker, Amanda, and Klaus."

Jack rolled her eyes. "I'm shocked Walker hasn't been served with a restraining order by the bank."

Alex had avoided telling her exactly who some of his "friends" were. Jack was convinced they were immature college students or adults that hadn't quite had their "inner Alex" stamped out of them for whatever reason. In truth, Walker had something a lot stronger than a restraining order from the bank regarding Alex. Alex's teachers had dropped hints that Jack either hadn't noticed or didn't care to ask about. Alex wasn't about to push it. "Eh, I mean, he doesn't leave creepy notes or anything. I think he's just lonely."

Jack snorted. "I wonder how his parents were. Honestly. It's like he never learned social skills or something."

Alex shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he was raised by wolves, Jack. You should have seen him before he had mandatory etiquette classes from his job."

Jack shook her head. "What about the other two?"

Alex hadn't actually gotten a straight answer out of them. "No clue."

Amanda and Klaus had come across him several times during missions after SCORPIA's big fall. Alex kept their names out of reports and they usually took one look at him, packed up, and left. "Unavoidable Schedule Conflicts" just popped out of mid-air around him for some odd reason. To be fair, the buildings usually ended up torched, so Alex could see them not wanting to stick around for that. "Will they want dinner?"

Alex considered taking them dinner just to fuck with them but decided that he wanted the food to himself. "Nah. Just leave them to it."

Alex ran his hands through his hair. "I'm going to do homework now."

Alex silently ascended the stairs.

Jack wasn't nearly as oblivious as she pretended to be. Look, after Professor Super-creep from Chechnya, or whatever they were calling themselves these days, dropped several daily hints that they weren't the usual sort of teachers, even Jack would catch on. She wasn't stupid; she just really preferred not to know where Alex had acquired his sketchy-as-hell "extreme self-defense" teachers. Jack really didn't want to know how they got paid, either. Come to think of it, she preferred to pretend Alex wasn't a spy, too. The American woman also preferred not to look too closely at his adult friends. They were weird. They were downright stalkers, in Walker's case. And Jack would swear they were mercenaries or something. Alex insisted that he didn't need the bank called to intervene. To be fair, Jack wouldn't want their help either, considering how it was obtained. But still, Jack preferred it when Alex actually spent time with people who weren't seven or more years his senior. The redhead sighed. Alex really was bad at actually being a normal person sometimes. Plus, he'd invited like a bazillion house guests without asking her first. Jack honestly didn't know what to do with him sometimes. Jet had been pretty nice. Jack wasn't quite sure why Alex had looked so alarmed at her cooking. Gordon had been hilarious, but oh-so-bad. The Countess was...stiff, but very polite. Jack was pretty sure Yermalov was part snake. The man seemed to take a morning greeting as a personal challenge to get by on as few words as possible for the rest of the day. She wasn't sure what his problem was, but she was pretty sure the guy had Ian beat in terms of parsimonious conversation. Jack rubbed her eyes and sighed. At least they had all taught her a few tricks before vanishing into the ether and sending her a ridiculously expensive thank-you gift a few weeks later. She wasn't even sure where they had gotten Turkish silk blankets from, but they were wonderful to sleep under. Plus, the homemade soaps smelled awesome and were to die for. Jack figured if all of Alex's friends sent lovely presents, she could look the other way. Besides, Jet had been kind of fun to have around, especially after she kept Jack's orchids alive. Jack got lots of them as presents from her family, but had never managed to keep a single one from dying. Jet was amazing for the garden. Jack wondered why such a lovely, wonderful lady stayed with that lot. At any rate, she had dinner to make.

Alex was sitting in his room doing homework when Walker, Klaus, and Amanda all came in through his window. "Guys, this is getting a little bit creepy, even by my incredibly liberal standards."

Walker sat down next to him on his bed. "Look, Alex, I've explained this before. I just need to know what you want from me and then I quit stalking you."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Nothing, Walker, I want nothing."

Klaus and Amanda just exchanged a look. Klaus spoke first. "We were asked to deliver this."

Alex took the envelope and opened it. It was Alan Blunt's death certificate with a ridiculously cheerful birthday card. Alex raised an eyebrow and opened it. It was signed by all Jet, The Countess, Gordon, and Yermalov. Alex had to wonder how they'd convinced the man to touch the card, much less sign it. Alex knew it was a pretty unsubtle hint as to who had killed Blunt and why. Alex just started laughing his ass off. He wished he could see Yermalov's expression while being handed the card. Alex could picture Gordon making him sign it. The redhead's half-threatening, half-cajoling tone. The Countess' resigned expression and Jet amused smirk. Alex looked at the post-script and it set off another round of sniggers. We hope you enjoy your birthday present. Indeed. Look, he and Blunt had a weird, almost friendly, relationship before the man was dead, but that didn't change the fact that a large part of him was glad the man was dead. It had been Blunt that had started him on his current path. Alex couldn't say that joining MI6 didn't have its benefits, but Alex still would much rather have not been there in the first place. Alex took out a piece of paper. Ian had made him get formal stationery, once upon a time. Alex could safely say this was the first time he was using it. He vaguely wondered if Ian had ever done something similar. "What are you doing?"

This time, it was Amanda who spoke. Alex paused in his elaborate calligraphy that he'd never had a practical use for before, also courtesy of Ian. "Writing a thank-you note, of course. It would be rude not to, now wouldn't it?"

Walker was reading over his shoulder. "Is that even English?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Yes, Walker, yes it is. Remind me how you passed The Countess' class again?"

Walker sighed. "You tutored me."

Alex huffed. "Yes, well, not all of us grew up as uncivilized American barbarians."

Walker retorted. "Oh, but you like me anyway."

Alex shook his head. "Yes, for some odd reason."

Klaus interjected. "Should we leave you two alone?"

Walker retorted. "Yes, why don't you?"

Alex rolled his eyes and finished off his fancy thank-you note. Yay, now all those extra manners lessons weren't completely useless. Alex pulled out the envelopes that went with his stationary and put the letter inside. "Give them this, would you?"

Klaus took the envelope gingerly as though he expected it to bite him if he looked away. Amanda sighed. "Alright you two, we are supposed to go back now that we have a reply."

Walker huffed. "Oh, come on. I wanted to spend a few more days on my hobby."

Alex snorted. "What hobby would that be? Stalking me in your off-hours?"

Walker was saved from replying by being unceremoniously yanked through Alex's window. Alex swore he heard cursing before shutting and locking his window. As if on cue, Jack called him down for dinner.

Alex tucked the letter into his shirt and walked into the bank. He hoped Evans' obnoxious ass wasn't here today. Tulip had agreed to meet him and Alex hadn't even had to mention who the letter was from. He'd made sure to wait a week or two so the others would have time to disappear. Alex was considerate like that. It wasn't technically sabotaging MI6 efforts if he wasn't actively trying to do anything about that lot, was it? Alex hadn't, like, erased files or anything. He just didn't help build them, either. The elevator stopped on Tulip's floor and Alex got out. Alex knocked on her office door and stepped in. "So, Alex, what did you have for me today?" Alex glanced around and whipped the envelope out of his shirt. Tulip just looked at him and opened it. One glance at the card told her everything. "Why would your former teachers assassinate Alan Blunt and then send you a card?"

Alex shrugged. He had a sinking suspicion that it had to do with them staying in his house. And maybe that one time they'd gotten to talk to Tom in private before he intervened. All of them were way too good at weaseling things out of people. "Who knows, Tulip? They're a bunch of twisted little fucks. I was kind of hoping you would tell me."

Tulip pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Then, she pressed a button on her desk. "Send Crawley up."

Alex looked at her. "What does Crawley have to do with this?"

Tulip didn't answer him. The door to her office opened. "Afternoon, ma'am."

Crawley sat down next to Alex. "Crawley has been investigating the rise of SCORPIA remnants. As you know, several have demonstrated an interest in you."

Alex preferred not to think of all of the slime bags who tried to recruit him to train other child assassins. "Yeah, I noticed."

Crawley elbowed him. Alex ignored it. There was no way he was going to treat Tulip like his actual boss. He might spontaneously combust from trying to hold the snark inside. "Regrettably, most of your former classmates have also escaped from custody."

Alex blinked. He'd wondered if she had ever planned to tell him. Crawley eyed him suspiciously. "You don't seem that shocked."

Alex rolled his eyes. "You didn't go through SCORPIA's version of SERE training, Crawley."

Jones perked up. "Do tell."

Alex wondered if everybody above the age of twenty-five in intelligence was a gossip whore or if he was really that unlucky. The lint on his sweater was suddenly fascinating. "Eh, it was pretty rough."

Crawley and Tulip just looked at him. Alex refused to say any more on the matter. Getting dumped in the African Congo with only a knife and minimal supplies with your fellow assassin classmates was not fun. "Anyway, we're sensing some activity. We might have to send you to one of them soon."

Alex sighed. "I think I'll be a little obvious, no?"

Tulip didn't answer him. "Anyhow, I guess we have our answer. I'll contact Evans tomorrow morning."

Alex shrugged. "Sounds fine to me."

Alex had conveniently forgotten to mention his thank-you note. What Tulip didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He got up and walked. The door closed behind him. "He's hiding something, ma'am."

Tulip Jones shrugged. Nobody liked talking about SCORPIA. "They all do in the end. Leave it be, Crawley."

Crawley looked at her. "But how would they have gotten the information?"

Tulip sighed. "I don't think we'll ever know, John, but give it a try."

Crawley rose. "Yes, ma'am."

Fin

Author's Note: This could be considered to be in the same universe as "The Internship" , "An Unwanted Cellmate" and "I Need Therapy", however, it also works as a standalone fic.