Chapter Thirty-Four: Bilba

Bilba avoids Fili for the rest of the day, her mind too caught up in their kiss and what it means. She knows she is attracted to him, as much as she has denied that fact to Adra, Bilba has never been good at lying to herself. She had hoped to avoid the issue entirely, make her way to Moria and fulfil her people's obligation to the dwarves and then return to her childhood home in the Shire. Whether she would one day marry had become an uncertainty. Torluc Proudfoot, who had once seemed like just the sort she should spend the rest of her life with, has become little more than a dull memory and a childish infatuation. Even before that moment with Fili in the corridor she had long known that she would never accept any offer Torluc might make her, now she doubts that she will accept an offer from anyone else either.

"What's going on?" Adra asks, interrupting Bilba's silent staring at the now cold tea in her hand.

"What do you mean?" She replies, glancing at the room. Fili has watch, she knows, and Thorin and Kili have disappeared while she has been lost in thought.

"You've been quiet since last night," Adra says, "it's not like you. Has something happened? Has Kili done something?"

"What could Kili have done?" Bilba demands.

"Has he hurt you?" Adra presses.

"No, of course he hasn't," Bilba's reply is incredulous. "I don't think that he could."

"He could," Adra shakes her head, "he probably wouldn't mean to, but he could. What happened? If not Kili? Surely Fili hasn't done or said anything?" Bilba feels her cheeks heat and knows that her face must be glowing with her blush. "What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything," Bilba insists. "I wanted to make sure he was alright, and we were talking, and he kissed me." She pauses. "Or I kissed him."

"Well, which was it?" Adra asks, settling next to her and leaning in. "Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?"

"I don't know," Bilba admits. "One moment we were talking and then he looked at me and the next thing I know we're kissing." Adra hums.

"How was it?" She asks and Bilba stares at her.

"I thought you were supposed to make sure that things like this didn't happen?" Bilba hisses.

"The duties of a shomakalinh are not as strict among dwarrow as they are with hobbits," Adra shrugs. "A kiss or two is permitted, as long as things don't go too far. It didn't go further than a kiss?" Bilba shakes her head. "Then it is nothing to worry over. How was it?"

"I didn't want it to ever end," Bilba confesses. "I've kissed before, but it was like nothing I've ever experienced."

"But," Adra prompts.

"What if Durin's heir is there when I finally present myself before the throne?" Bilba whispers, looking at her hands.

Her heart would break, she thinks, if she had to spend the rest of her life married to a dwarf she hardly knows while knowing that Fili was about in the world and lost to her. He wanted to kiss her again, she could see it in his eyes when they parted and she has seen it in his face since. Fili has been keeping his distance from her as much as she has been keeping hers from him, not able to trust herself and she suspects he might feel the same way.

"I doubt that will be a problem," Adra assures her. "If you and Fili are meant to be Mahal will make sure that not even the emergence of the heir of Durin could prevent you from being together."

"You have a lot of faith in your Maker," Bilba mutters.

"In this, every dwarf does," Adra sighs. "I know that you have to go into ceremony free of commitments, but that doesn't mean you need to go in with your heart untouched. And there is no harm in a kiss or two."

Whatever reply Bilba might make to that is pushed to one side when Fili runs in calling for his uncle. Dwalin and Nori have returned and with them has come the remaining missing members of their little company. The room is soon full of bodies, dwarves greeting one another after a long absence and Thorin quietly filling Balin in on everything that he has missed and needs to know. Kili lingers in his corner, watching Ori and Fili as they embrace fiercely, slapping one another on the back and Fili smiling so widely and brightly when it has been a dull and forced thing for days. Bilba takes a step towards them both but her eyes turn back towards Kili as he draws as tightly into his corner as he can, and she changes her mind. She can say hello to Ori later, Kili needs the reassurance more at the moment. He flinches when she touches his arm, but then looks down at her and nods in reply to her unspoken question.

They stand together in silence for a long time until Bilba spots Fili looking around the room. His eyes fall on her first, his expression unreadable, but then he spots Kili and he grabs Ori to drag him over. Kili's hand slips into hers and she can feel him shaking. Surely, she thinks, Fili must know that all of this is going to be too much for his brother. Kili has only just begun to trust the rest of them and even though she knows that Ori was his friend before things have changed.

"Is that really you, Kili?" Ori asks. "What happened to you? How did it happen to you? Where were you taken?" Bilba shakes her head frantically at Fili, she knows that Ori often asks questions at a mile a minute and just as often doesn't always realise what impact those questions might have.

"Ori," Fili says and nudges his friend in the ribs. Ori falls silent and flushes when he realises how inappropriate his questions were.

"Sorry," he mumbles and Kili makes a noise that could be one of acceptance but might also indicate distress. "It's just so exciting to have you back. Fili's missed you, well we all missed you, but finding you is wonderful."

"Is it?" Kili asks, his voice colder than Bilba has heard from him. "Is it really so wonderful that I survived?" He looks up and his hood falls back. Ori gasps and takes a step back, a quick look, however, reveals that no one else has noticed what is unfolding. Kili's hair has begun to grow back, but it is short and tufty, and the scars left during the multiple occasions when his head and beard had been shaved away are still stark and clear. "This is what happened to me, Ori. I'm not back, I'm not found. I'm not Kili, not the one you knew."

Ori shrinks back, his face clearly showing his utter devastation at this reaction. Fili is no less upset, obviously having hoped that this new reminder of the good times of their past would help Kili to feel more settled and welcome. Kili's expression shifts, as though he is suddenly conscious of what Ori was probably trying to say, and he falters for a moment before forcing his way past them and out of the room.

"I didn't mean-" Ori whispers and Bilba feels her heart crack at the expression on his face.

She has learnt that Ori always wants to know and understand, and she suspects that neither he nor Fili took into account how that might clash with the way Kili is now. She doubts Ori even knew. She touches his hand gently, halting his fingers in the act of beginning to pick at the stitches of his gloves then turns her gaze up to Fili who is staring after his brother with an expression that is no less broken than Ori's.

"I'll go after him," she says.

"Bilba," Fili mutters.

"Stay with Ori," she squeezes the scribe's hand. "I'll be fine."

She leaves before he can reach to stop her, slipping from his grip and darting out of the room before anyone else can notice her. In fact, the whole thing seems to have gone unnoticed and she is thankful for that as she pads through abandoned corridors. Her feet barely make a noise on the stone and without the stomp of dwarf boots to contend with she is quickly able to find Kili just by listening for him.

The chamber he is in is full of furniture, chairs and tables that are in remarkable shape considering how long the mountain has been abandoned. Kili is under a table that has been pushed against a wall, curled in on himself with his hands clutching at the tufts of hair that have begun to cover his head. His breathing is shallow, gasps of panic that make her think of that day when he saw Thorin and the others for the first time.

"Kili?" She crawls in next to him, ignoring the chill of the stone through her too thin trousers. "Breathe with me," she says, taking deep and exaggerated breaths. Slowly his breathing calms and evens and finally she feels she might be able to talk to him. "What was that about?"

"You wouldn't understand," he mutters, the words muffled where he has kept his head leant on his knees.

"Probably not," she admits. "But why don't you tell me anyway?"

"Ori," Kili pauses. "Ori always asks so many questions."

"I know," Bilba replies, "I've had to field my share of them over the last seven months."

"He just expected me to be the same, I could see it on his face," Kili continues. "Everything he said just, it was like he expected the stupid child who let himself be captured."

"I doubt you let yourself be captured, Kili," Bilba replies softly. "And I think you remember Ori well enough to know that his thoughts run away with him sometimes." Kili sighs. "I didn't know you before, but you don't have to keep it all in. I promised I would help you. That hasn't changed."

"But you can't help me," Kili whispers, "no one can."

"Let us try anyway?" She asks.

"You don't know me," he sighs. "I don't even know me."

Bilba's answering smile is sad.

"Then we can discover who you are together."

A.N: I promise things will start moving away from Erebor in the next few chapters, but I had to reunite everyone and Dain still has to turn up and take control of the place yet. Not something that can necessarily end well.