Co-Written by Neo H.B.B. Sam

Footage from Police Body Cams

The time was 6:42 PM on a rainy Wednesday in Peach Creek. Three figures stood in an alleyway situated in-between Danny's Meat Shop and the recently foreclosed AKA Shoes. All three of them were wearing baggy hooded sweatshirts, with their hoods up to mask their identities and not get wet. The two larger mooks approached the shorter person, one with a tattered duffel bag in their hands, the other carrying some plastic bags branded with the local Want*More logo on them. They were all shaking, which could have been from either the cold, nerves, or a combination of both.

"Alright Ed, just keep your mouth shut and let me do all the talking," a gruff, deep voice instructed. He clenched his plastic bags tightly while walking closer to their client.

"Gotcha Eddy!" exclaimed a laid back, yet hoarse voice. Ed swung around the duffel bag without a care in the world, almost having it fly out of his hands. The buzzing of flies could be heard zooming around his attire, some dying upon contact.

"Hey, I said to shut it!" Eddy elbowed his friend as the two stepped closer to the other figure, splashing their feet in the muddy puddles.

"So you boys ready to deal?" an obviously modified voice asked. Leaning back against a cracked brick wall, this figure radiated the most confidence, as this wasn't their first time making a play.

Eddy nodded, "Oh yeah, but first, you gotta show me the big bucks."

"You'll get your money, I just want to see if your shit's worth buying."

"Home grown from my secret lair!" Ed perked, opening up the drawstring and unzipping the bag of its contents.

"Dammit Ed, zip that back up! You're gonna ruin the goods if it gets damp in this crap!"

"Alright boys," the figure smirked, putting a hand on their hips. "Now do me a little favor and put the bag down and get on the ground!"

"Get on the ground?" questioned Eddy, growing suspicious as he scanned his eyes around the surroundings. "What's the big idea here?"

The dumpster and other garbage cans began rustling, with a few sheriff deputies popping out from behind them pointing their guns at Ed and Eddy. Then suddenly ripping their hooded sweatshirt off, the figure revealed themselves to be another deputy, flashing a badge. She whipped out her standard issued handgun and pressed it directly against Eddy's chest. "I said get on the fucking ground before I shoot!"

"Oh, hello baby sister!" Ed greeted cheerfully as a swarm of deputies tackled him to the ground and began placing him in restraints.

Eddy groaned, placing his hands in the air as he started to sweat. He got on his knees while Sarah still had the metallic muzzle of the gun lined up on his body. "Ed, you idiot!" Eddy yelled. Sarah holstered her gun back as she put Eddy in a gooseneck wrist lock, taking great pleasure in busting him with a smile on her face. "We were setup by Sarah!"

Ed seemed confused as the officers were finished shackling him up. "But Eddy, Sarah said we had to show her our stash!" The deputies couldn't help but laugh at how gullible he was. "She would have melted my bootleg DVD collection of the Piranha series if I did not comply."

"Holy shit! Shut the fuck up Ed, just fucking shut up!" He was almost about to lunge at Ed, only for Sarah to slam him into the dirt as he growled with ire. The deputies continued to laugh at the two as the audio was drowned out by increasingly heavy rain, ending the recording.

Eighteen Months Later...

"Rise and shine Eddy, it's time to get the fuck out of prison!"

Fluorescent lighting beamed on Eddy as he was awoken by three gigantic guards. Eddy himself was no longer the short and stout guy he was in his younger years. With age came a growth spurt, and with prison time came added muscular bulk. Yet these guards were the size of pick-up trucks in comparison to even a brick-house like Eddy, but that didn't bother him.

"Ugh, who turned on the sun?" Eddy rolled over before it set-in what the guard had just said, peaking his interest as he jumped out of his bed. "Whoa wait, did you say it's time to get the fuck out?"

"Don't make me have to repeat myself," the guard addressed as another correctional officer tossed some dusty clothes at Eddy. "The faster you get dressed, the sooner we hopefully don't have to see your ass around here again."

Eddy glared at the pile of clothes in his hands. It had been a long time for him, but he remembered what these were: his old street clothes. Having been over a year and a half of not wearing them, Eddy struggled putting them back on. The under-shirt was far too snug on his robust figure now, his pants tight on the thighs, and the buttons on his shirt burst off from the pressure, blasting around the prison cells like bullets in an alley. "First thing I'm buying is new clothes once I blow this Popsicle stand."

One of the CO's sniffled before lamenting, "I'm gonna miss you Eddy. Prison food's never tasted better with you as the head chef."

"Why the hell do you eat the prison food here man?" a guard questioned his fellow officer. "You know we can bring our own lunch, right?"

"Because I'm inept and haven't lived until I tried one of Eddy's omelets."

"This guy gets it," Eddy smirked, pointing at the guard with finger guns. "Don'tcha fret, if ya ever bump into me on the outside, I'll let'cha have some on the house."

The guard wiped his nose and eyes before saying, "Thanks Eddy, that means a lot."

"Alright enough of this, Eddy doesn't get to be treated like a human being again until he steps outside of the gates!" one of the guards snapped. "We're wasting time, off to processing on the double maggots!"

As Eddy was escorted from his cell into the halls, several inmates and guards hollered their goodbyes. It was the usual custom whenever anyone's time was fully served for the entire prison to get more riled up than fans at a Superbowl game.

"See ya later hombre, don't forget to write!" a member of the Latin Kings screamed before making out with his MS-13 boyfriend for all to see.

"Take care and try not to come back Eddy!" another guard yelled as she was trying to keep a couple of unruly inmates from lunging towards him.

"Yeah, if we catch ya around fucking with us again you a dead Ed!" one of the violent prisoners screeched until he could be put in restraints by a CO.

It made Eddy smile with not just the idea of finally having freedom, but also with how he'd miss these guys. He was certainly a lot more popular in prison than he ever was in school, that's for sure. "Never give up fellas, strike for gold!" Eddy roared, with the prison roaring back louder. The guards escorting Eddy shoved him ahead a bit as they hustled away from the crowd of excited inmates. He had been savoring this moment from upon arrival, and now that it was here, Eddy wanted to revel in it as the grin on his face could not be wiped off.

After going through a seemingly endless series of halls and gates, Eddy was stopped inside an office. A couple of the guards with him returned to different posts as he was about to get his belongings back. "Okay, Eddy is it?" the female guard behind the counter asked as he nodded. "Can't believe you're finally outta the click."

"Heh, yeah, me neither," Eddy replied, wiping his forehead.

"I could've used your legal team during my divorce," she laughed while digging around for his possessions. "Maybe I could still have custody of the kids..."

To break the ice after that awkward comment, Eddy scratched his head and mused with, "Eh, you'll get to see the little scamps once they turn eighteen."

"Yeah I know, but that'll be years from now," she voiced before slamming a box of goods onto the counter. "Oh look at me, talking to a now ex-con about how long time passes, ha ha. Okay, let's see what we got here."

In the box contained the paraphernalia Eddy had on him during his initial arrest. The first thing to catch Eddy's eyes was his wallet, which he quickly yanked and opened. As he felt up the coins and cash inside, his eyes turned into dollar signs and his mouth began to salivate. This was the first time he had touched money in nearly two years, to a grand total of twenty-five dollars and sixty-nine cents. "At last, sweet, sweet moolah!" Eddy rejoiced as the guards in the room couldn't help but snicker at his obsessive fondness for currency.

"Only in prison do I see grown-ass men get so giddy over so little cash."

When the moment of ecstasy dwindled, Eddy regained his composure and stumbled upon his old flaxen-colored windbreaker jacket. Unlike his shirts and pants, the coat fit him just fine, which made Eddy relieved as he searched the contents of its pockets. Hoping to find another green substance he liked as a hidden treasure, Eddy was dismayed that he could not find any, although knew deep-down it was a fool's endeavor to imagine that slipping by the system. But what he did feel in the depths of his pockets was a vibrator covered in pubes. "What the hell, I had her pussy rocker on me this whole time?" Eddy was puzzled as he scanned the sex toy, too unsure about its presence to be embarrassed by it. "Don't recall her hair being brown down there."

The female guard nervously blushed as she waved her brunette hair. "Ha ha yeah, that's pretty weird."

"You know what, you keep it." Eddy slammed the genital massager on the counter. "I got everything I need, time to skedaddle on outta here!"

Not bringing much with him, Eddy had everything he brought to prison as the guard walked him to the front gates. Direct sunlight shined on Eddy's light pink skin for the first time in ages as he made his way out of the prison. The whole world felt so spacious again after being confined to a dull gray institution for so long. It seemed surreal to Eddy, being on the other side of the barb wire fence and armed guards in their towers, but this was his reality now.

Yet within seconds of absorbing in the joys of the outside world again, a black van pulled up in the prison's parking lot. Jumping out of it was a camera crew consisting of three schlemps who instantly began filming the moment they landed. One of them carried an expensive camcorder to record everything with, the other wielded a large boom microphone for picking up all sounds, and the last jamoke held a giant LED filming light panel so there could be bright and bloom for everything as per industry standard.

"Hey, what gives!" Eddy protested as he tried to shoo away the production crew. "Since when did my life become The Truman Show?"

"It said in your post-prison plan that you'd have a film crew record your life for an undisclosed amount of years," the guard accompanying him informed. "Gotta say, really impressed by that legal team of yours for getting such an experimental form of punishment applied to your sentence."

Smacking his hand to his face, Eddy groaned, having forgot about this part of his plea bargain during the original sentencing. "You chomos won't follow me to the bathroom at least, will ya?" Eddy asked as the crew shrugged, with Eddy sighing as he rolled his eyes. "Whatever, shouldn't Sockhead or someone pick me up soon?"

"Actually, we called over your new parole officer to give you a lift home," the guard said as pulling up alongside the curb was a patrol car belonging to the Peach Creek Sheriff's Department. "And there she is, right on time."

"She?"

Much to Eddy's misfortune, it was none other than Sarah who stepped out of the vehicle. Unlike the last time he saw her, she was in full uniform this time, with a khaki deputy shirt, green clip-on tie and trousers, tactical boots, and was equipped with tactical gear on her duty belt. Eddy could feel his soul recoiling at the sight of her, the one responsible for getting him incarcerated in the first place. "Long time no see Eddy!" Sarah proclaimed, having a disturbing amount of sweetness to her normally loud and sharp voice.

"You gotta be yankin' my dick!" Dumbfounded, Eddy could only wonder what other sick jokes would be played on him in his post-prison life. He quickly turned around and the iron chained gate quickly slammed shut on him before he could run back in. Eddy tugged on the gate, "Yo guard, if I hit ya really hard, can I get some extra time for a good month? I'm not ready for this!"

"Oh no, you're a felon now Eddy, you don't get to walk down easy street anymore," the guard laughed as he strolled back to the prison. "No more privacy, your arresting officer as your parole officer, and all the other loss of privileges. Man are you in for it now! Get ready for the rest of your life ha ha ha!"

Eddy quickly tried to climb the gate, but one of the guards fired a warning shot just above his head, making Eddy recoil and he soon crashed onto the asphalt. Getting up, Eddy brushed off the bits of blacktop on his clothes as Sarah stood right next to him. He then grabbed onto the fence and started shaking it. "Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!"

"Eddy, stop. You're just embarrassing yourself now." Sarah's smile unnerved Eddy as he slowly pulled away from the fence, but he knew that with her position of power over him, and the camera chumps recording his every action, that there was no way for him to scam, scheme, or scramble his way out of this one.

Cul-De-Sac Boys

"Time to Get the Fuck Out of Prison!"

Interview: Edward "Eddy" McGee – Age 32, Ex-Con

The footage starts with a close up of Eddy leaning against the fence, his face looking exhausted. "My name is Eddy, today was supposed to be my special day because I'm finally getting the fuck out of prison after eighteen months. Thank fuck."

The footage jump cut to another angle, a bit further away showing Eddy's full body. "I know you guys following me around was part of my sentencing and all but holy shit, I had forgotten all about this. Will I at least get paid for this?" Eddy's eyes narrowed in annoyance at the crew's response, "Well, fuck you then."

The next angle has Eddy leaning against the fence. "Well, you guys are gonna get to know Sarah, Ed, Double-D, and pretty much everyone around the neighborhood. We've all known each other since we were kids, and I guess none of us really has anywhere else to fucking be."

Another close up of Eddy, this time he had a confident smile. "I'll tell ya, I'm gonna get out of prison, I'm gonna move back to the cul-de-sac, I'm gonna live a good clean life. No, seriously, I learned a lot from prison. Things are gonna be different."

Interview: Sarah Armstrong – Age 29, Sheriff's Deputy

The footage starts with Sarah giving a sweet smile to the camera. She had one hand on her hip, the other on the back of her patrol car. "I'm Deputy Armstrong of the Peach Creek Sheriff's Department. Earned the badge fairly and definitely not because my mom was the Major at the department!" Her face twinged a bit when saying the last bit.

The next angle showed Sarah sitting on the back of the patrol car with her nodding. "Yeah, I've known Eddy ever since I was a kid. He is, has been, and always will be a pain in the ass, but hey, someone has to keep an eye on him. Aside from working my ass off almost every day, I live at my parents' house with my brother, his wife, and their kid. You'll have to talk to them yourselves."

There was a close up on Sarah, looking a bit sullen. "My parents retired a couple years back, and they decided to live the rest of their days in Hawaii. Almost wish I went with them, but well...I promised them I'd look after my brother."

"Come on, I'll let you sit up front." Sarah held open the passenger's side door for Eddy as he begrudgingly squeezed himself in, with his head rubbing against the vehicle's ceiling. The cameraman hopped in the back seat and Sarah began to drive off.

For the first fifteen minutes, the car ride went by rather uncomfortably silent. They drove past mountain ranges, dense forests, and mosquito-invested swamps, which the two were well accustomed to thanks to growing up in the area. It wasn't until they drove up by a stoplight that Sarah finally made a rather poor attempt to ease the tension by asking, "So, how was prison?"

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ASK ME THAT AFTER YOU'RE THE ONE THAT PUT ME BEHIND BARS IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Eddy bellowed, shaking the entire car with his volcanic yell.

"WELL, WHEN SOMEONE'S A SHERIFF'S DEPUTY AND HER BOYFRIEND IS A GREASY LOW-LIFE DRUG DEALER, YOU DON'T LEAVE HER WITH A WHOLE LOT OF OPTIONS!" Sarah shouted back with a scream as equally loud, the two having rivaling bombastic voices. The cameraman had to hastily adjust his audio settings to ensure that their screaming could still be comprehensible.

"OH GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME AND ED TO SCRAM BUT NO, YOU THROW OUR ASSES IN THE SLAMMER TO ROT!"

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SO RETARDED YOU COULDN'T TELL THAT WAS ME?" Both of their faces were glowing red with rage comparable to the intensity of a super-giant star. "SORRY THAT YOU'RE ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS STUPID THAN MY IDIOT BROTHER!"

"THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT! YOU'RE NOT SORRY AND YOU KNOW IT YOU CONNIVING CUNT!" It was a wonder that neither had gotten physical with each other yet. "YOU'D FUCK ME AND ED OVER AGAIN FOR ANYTHING WE'D DO BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEGA BITCH WITH A FLAGPOLE UP HER COOCH!"

"SERIOUSLY? GROW THE HELL UP EDDY! JUST GROW UP AND STOP-" Just then, nature's most moronic mammal, the whitetail deer, came sprinting across the street making Sarah slam on the brakes with the force of a hydraulic press. Eddy smashed his head against the glove box and the cameraman's camcorder nearly slipped as he fumbled about ensuring it was stable again. The hoofed creature gave a blank expression at the patrol car before striding off without a care. "Oh my God, that was close."

As everyone tried catching their breath, Sarah pulled over to the side of the road as the two recuperated from that explosive screaming match. They took in large gulps of air as their faces returned back to their original skin tones, and also to somewhat remedy their hurt vocal cords. "Sarah, where's the first aid kit?" Eddy questioned as he wiped some blood pouring down his forehead.

"Hang on, I'll fix ya up." Sarah unlocked the glove box with a key on her belt and pulled out a medical kit given to first responders. She wiped the blood off with some tissue and wrapped his head in cotton cloth and bandages, making Eddy look part-mummy. "There we go, um, shit... my bad."

"Whatever, we're too old to keep yelling for hours anymore," Eddy told her as he attempted to step out of the car, only to find the door locked. "Sarah, let me out so I can hitchhike or get a lift back home with Ryde." Sarah raised her brow. Eddy nodded. "Oh yeah that's right, I'd rather be in a car with an over-sharing junkie schizo right now than spend another moment with you."

"I'm your parole officer still Eddy," Sarah reminded as she pulled out a notepad and began scribbling everywhere in it. "We're still gonna see each other after this for a long time."

"I thought you told me that you can't be a normal cop and a parole piggy at the same time?"

"Budget cuts made us pick up more work than we should," Sarah explained, almost breaking her pencil as she stabbed it through the notebook. "But on the bright side, I'm the youngest deputy to become a sergeant in the department's history!"

"Whoop-de-fucking-do." Eddy took in a deep breath as he rubbed his head wounds, shaking as he then clenched the seat's edges with his huge hands. "How the fuck did we agree to start dating when we've always argued like this since we were kids?"

"Fuck if I know." Sarah unlocked the car doors and handed Eddy her cellphone. "I got Ryde under my contacts, hell scroll through the whole damn thing for all I care. But just a head's up, I am gonna stop by your place a lot to check up on ya later, because it's my job to."

"Alright, now shut up, I'm gettin' something." Sarah looked outside the window with a scowl on her face as Eddy went back-and-forth with a Ryde driver for several minutes until completing his call. After he was done, he handed her phone back, with Sarah somewhat surprised he didn't bother to look through her phone. "Guy said he'll be here in ten minutes." Eddy then looked into the camera. "Camera chomo, give us some space, I got something to tell Sarah."

The cameraman exited the patrol car as he went off to record Eddy and Sarah from a distance. As he thought, the two didn't check for the spare mic he left in the backseat that had a wireless hookup to his camera. He made sure his headphones were working accordingly so he could eavesdrop on everything.

"How about a quick one for the road ya twerp?"

"I thought you wanted to dump me you flathead?"

"I haven't touched a woman in ages, and I know you love fucking the shit outta people. As my legal team would say, this is a plea bar-gain or something."

Sarah pondered for a bit until a devilish grin appeared on her face. She looked around and drove the patrol car off into some mountain laurel. The camera zoomed in to witness Sarah slapping a pair of handcuffs on Eddy's wrists. As Eddy pulled down her trousers, the cameraman quickly realized he didn't sign up for this to film pornography, and found himself stumbling. The camera landed on the grass with a thud, with the cry of an "Oh shit!" being the last thing recorded before it turned off.

Later that Evening

The footage started up again on Rethink Avenue with the crew quickly setting up and Eddy knocking on the window of his Ryde car. "Here's your tip jackass!" Eddy flipped off the Ryde driver before the car speed away, with exhaust fumes blasting his face. "Fucking shit!" He gagged and coughed as the camera zoomed in on him. Eddy gave a nasty glare as the camera lined up with his face. "Hey guys, thanks for not giving me a lift, dickheads."

Eddy shook his head and lead the camera crew towards his house, which was the third one on the right in the cul-de-sac. It was already night time as the only lights on were the streetlights that illuminated the neighborhood. That and the LED panel that continued to shine directly on Eddy, who covered his eyes as to not get blinded by the camera chumps. Still, even with having some lights brighter than a nuclear bomb obstruct his vision, Eddy was still able to find his old residence from memory alone.

"You know, it's been a shitty day and all after getting out of the clink and running into Deputy Bitchface and you shit lickers, but I'm gonna celebrate. Gonna call up Lumpy and Double-D, get drunk, listen to some Barry White, and maybe even smoke some dope. Shit's gonna be cash!" He pulled out the key to his front door from his jacket pocket and tried to unlock it. The key went in, but jiggling it around didn't do much, and any more force would've snapped it in half. "The hell?"

"What up, faggot!"

"Oh fuck no..." Eddy trailed off as he slowly raised his head up, "...it's my brother."

The camera panned up to capture a large middle-aged man with a goatee inside the house, taunting Eddy from an open window. His attire hadn't changed in decades, still wearing the same tattered red flannel jacket, raggedy basketball jersey with the number sixty-two on it, a dirty pair of cargo pants, a torn flat cap to cover his bald spot, and beaten to hell shoes. He stuck his head out the windowsill smoking a rolled-up cigarette. "Finally done having a gay ol' time droppin' the soap in the slammer, eh pipsqueak?"

"What the hell are you doing in my house? This ain't one of your fucked up pranks again is it?"

Eddy's brother laughed with a throat filled with ashes, coughing some of chunks of tar out. "No no, I think you mean my house now, bitch!" He took a drag on his cancer stick, still chuckling.

"The fuck are you talking about?" Eddy jumped up into the air, and somehow stayed in place with sheer anger. "Mom left me with the house after dad passed you shithead!"

Bro blew smoke into Eddy's face as his own face began to leer smugly. "Yeah, then when you got caught doing stupid shit, I stepped in to help out like the responsible eldest son I am!" He then smacked Eddy on the top of his head, causing his younger brother to fall flat onto the yellow grass. "So, who's the disappointment now?"

Popping himself back up, Eddy pointed his finger in-between Bro's eyes and shouted, "Oh, you wanna throw down? Well I'm ready to beat your ass this time!"

His brother continued to laugh while slapping his thighs. "Holy shit pipsqueak! Beating ass huh? Not that I care if you're queer, but I'm your brother you sicko!" He kept cackling like a hyena as he slouched away from the window, almost hacking up some black gunk on the way.

"That's not what I meant asshole!" Eddy bellowed as some lights inside people's houses began to flicker on from the commotion. "Get out of my house you piece of shit!"

Abruptly, a vintage turntable was thrown out of the window by Eddy's brother, who gave a sadistic smirk at the camera. Eddy barely caught it, tumbling around in the yard as he set his record player down. "Hey, don't throw my shit around Bro!"

"You're the dumbass who left it in my room!"A disco ball was then thrown out, which nearly blinded everyone thanks to the LED lights beaming off it as it began to act like a second sun with the brightness it gave off.

Eddy quickly caught that too, stacking it on top of the turntable. He had to wipe his eyes as he could still see light through his eyelids after getting shined hard by the thousands of facets on the disco ball. The camera man had to rapidly white balance on several occasions as to make the film actually visible without having to severely edit it in post. "Mom let me have your room in high school!"

"And it's been my room again once I came back home!" Suddenly, a whole bunch of retro-styled items were thrown out the window, as Eddy scrambled to catch each one before any of them hit the ground.

"Come on Bro, knock this shit off!" Eddy hollered as a lava lamp landed perfectly on his head, pushing him back. "You're gonna wake up mom and freak her the hell out!"

After that comment, Bro stopped chucking all of Eddy's retro paraphernalia out the window and soon enough walked out of the house with a solemn look that almost seemed rather uncharacteristic of him. "She ain't here, pipsqueak."

Eddy struggled balancing himself while carrying all his possessions so they wouldn't drop and break. "What do ya mean she ain't here?" he interrogated, his anger transforming into confusion. "The doc said she should be in bed by this time! Don't tell me she wandered off to Lemon Brook again!"

"Look, she wasn't getting better with you gone, and I couldn't keep taking care of her," Eddy's brother admitted, looking away up at the crescent moon. He took a puff from his cig as the smoke rose into the night sky. "I had her placed in a nursing home. It was for everyone's good."

All the items Eddy had caught fell from his hands. He couldn't believe what his brother just said, and stood there in disbelief. "You gotta be kidding me..." The unusual look of seriousness on his brother's face confirmed to him that this wasn't another shitty prank, but the real deal much to his despair. "You know what, stay in the fucking house! Can I just come back to get my stuff later?"

"This is all your shit pipsqueak, I pawned off the rest of it for a few packs," his brother informed him as he stepped back inside, tossing his cig on the welcome mat. "It's all there on the front lawn, now get off my property unless you're eager to go back to the slammer."

Eddy stood there in silence, dumbfounded. He looked at his pile of belongings, with some shattered from him dropping them, while others remained intact. Turning towards the street, Eddy started walking away from what was once his house with nothing in his hands.

Bro stared at Eddy from the window with a poker face until he noticed the camera crew turning their attention towards him. "Oh shit, are you chomos from COPS?" He shut the blinds on them as the camera creeps turned their focus back on their primary subject. Eddy didn't mutter anything else as the camera crew continued stalking him into the night, following him wherever he ventured.

End of Footage