A/N: I am working on bigger and better things, but this fine little piece of Crack was just begging me to be written, so I oh so graciously obliged. Completely silly one-shot crack based on a sarcastic comment Harry makes right before they leave Grimmauld Place in OotP.

"But now Mad-Eye's complaining that we can't leave unless Sturgis Podmore's here, otherwise the guard will be one short."

"Guard?" said Harry. "We have to go to King's Cross with a guard?"

"You have to go to King's Cross with a guard," Hermione corrected him.

"Why?" said Harry irritably. "I thought Voldemort was supposed to be lying low, or are you telling me he's going to jump out from behind a dustbin to try and do me in?"

~HP~

Several flustering minutes later, Harry, Hermione, and Tonks were finally walking down the street towards Kings Cross Station, when suddenly there was a rustling sound from behind some dustbins in an alley they were ambling past. As the three of them turned to look towards the strange sound, Voldemort jumped out from behind the dustbins, brandishing his wand at them.

Harry, Hermione, and Tonks immediately unsheathed their own wands from their wrist holsters, and pointed them at Tom.

"Why such the hostile greeting?" asked Voldemort offendedly as he slithered out onto the sidewalk to face them directly. "I only mean to kill Harry, and then kill the two of you so there's no one to go running to the Ministry. Although, they probably wouldn't believe you, even their own Auror, so I suppose I could probably leave the two of you alive, but that just wouldn't really be my MO, now would it? I do have appearances to keep up and all that, I'm sure you understand — It's nothing personal."

"Yes, well, pardon me for taking it slightly personally when you threaten to kill my boyfriend," replied Hermione politely.

"Boyfri—? What—?" spluttered Harry in confusion. This was the first he'd heard about any such thing.

But Hermione simply waved him off. "We'll talk about it later."

Then she turned back to Tom and said with a 'what can you do?' kind of shrug, "See — I can't let you kill him right now, we still have a talk that needs having."

"And I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it slightly personally, as well," added Tonks. "You see, Harry's my Godcousin, and your killing of his parents meant that he didn't grow up with them, and therefore didn't grow up around Sirius, my cousin, either, so I didn't get to hang out with Harry when he was growing up like I should have. Also, when I'm not trying to get Lupin to stop using his werewolfiness as an excuse not to go out on a date with me, I'm totally crushing on Harry. And while it doesn't have the whole 'I can't let you kill my boyfriend' ring to it, I'm not exactly in favor of you killing my crush, either."

"And I'd kind of rather not die," finished Harry, "especially when I just discovered that there's two girls who like me."

"Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint all three of you — it's never my intention to upset anyone — but I'm still going to have to duel the three of you to the death," replied Voldemort apologetically, with a slight bow. "Now if we could get this moving along—? I do have places to be, you know, as do you three — although, I suppose only one of us shall actually be making it."

Harry, Hermione, and Tonks lined up side by side across from Voldemort, and both parties bowed to the other.

Tom then looked over to a passing-by muggle, and asked politely, "Excuse me kind Sir, but could you give us a 'One, Two, Three' count?"

The first several people just looked at him strangely and kept walking on, but finally someone stopped.

"One — Two — THREE!"

Wands flashed in the weak September morning sunlight as spells went sizzling through the air. Red light ricocheted off blue, taking out a chunk of a nearby building, as white and violet bounced off a silver shield straight into the air, ruffling the feathers of a passing swallow, causing a coconut to crash dangerously in the middle of the impromptu dueling pitch.

Spells continued flying for several minutes, before four voices shouted "Avada Kedavra" all at one time. Four beams of green light met in the middle, colliding in a dazzling fashion that would have made CERN or any fireworks show as green as the beams of light with envy.

Both sides pushed as much energy as they could possibly muster through their wands and into the streams of light, trying to push the point where all the beams connected towards their opponent/s.

But as powerful as Voldemort was, and with as much loud grunting and hissing as he put into his efforts (reminding Hermione strongly of a match at the famed All England Club), he was still only one against three. Three that was comprised of a pissed off girlfriend, a pissed off crush and friend, and a boy who'd already defeated him four times who'd just found out his best friend wanted to be his girlfriend.

Needless to say, though it shall be said anyway, the tables soon tipped in favor of the young trio, and the beams of green light collided with the ex-Dark Lord with a vengeance. Voldemort did a fantastic impression of a cartoon character getting struck by a bolt of lightening, before falling spread eagle on his back on the pavement, bereft of life and pinin' for the fjords for the second time in his life (existence? sojourn on this round ball of dirt?).

The three victors unceremoniously shoved his lifeless corpse with their feet into the alleyway he'd come from, behind the dustbins he'd jumped out from behind. Tonks then whistled, and an owl came swooping in out of nowhere. Quickly conjuring a quill and a scrap of parchment, she wrote out a short poem informing the Ministry of where a wizard's body was pushing up the daisies behind some dustbins in an alley in Islington, and sent the owl on its merry way with the missive.

Once the formalities were all taken care of, Hermione turned towards Harry, but instead of giving him her normal, patented Hermione-Hug, she grabbed his face and kissed him hard and passionately.

When they pulled apart several minutes later, both breathing quite heavily, Tonks caught Hermione's eye.

"May I?" she asked the younger girl, nodding slightly in question towards Harry.

"Just this once, and since we haven't actually officially started dating yet," replied Hermione, taking a step out of the way.

Tonks stepped into the gap the bushy-haired girl had left, and swooped in to claim Harry's lips with her own. A shorter, and less bruising time later, she released him and stepped back.

"Thank you both muchly," she said with a slight bow towards each of them. "And now I think we need to mosey on to King's Cross, they'll probably all be worried that Voldemort jumped out from behind a dustbin and tried to do Harry in."

All three of them burst out in laughter at the ludicrousness of such a thought, and strolled on down the street towards the train station, Harry and Hermione with hands intertwined.

A few minutes later they arrived at the station, and found the expectedly worried crowd of Phoenix Orderers anxiously awaiting their arrival.

"Where were you? You're late! We've been worried sick! What happened!?" exclaimed Mrs Weasley in rapid-fire, hurrying over to them, and throwing a head lock — I mean, hug — around Harry.

"Oh, nothing," replied Harry nonchalantly as soon as he could breathe again. "We just had to take a slight pause in our hike to overkill Tom Riddle with three killing curses, nothing to worry about. He shouldn't be a problem again for a while."