He fell to his knees, head bowed.
Failure… I'm a failure at everything. Seems like no matter what I do… I can't win. We lost another gig… really need that money for Janey. She'll be going to school… she'll need more than the little I have stowed away. Really needed that gig… It would have been good money… I should have told Nick and Max to keep their mouths shut! Janey deserves a brother that can be an asset, not a liability… Uncle Max was right… I AM a bum!
"…Trent?" the sound of her small monotone voice seeped in through his self-inflicted degradation.
Just what I need… she might as well see what a loser I am too. That way she'll be done with me….
Daria had stood unseen in his doorway witnessing hi on his knees beside his bed with his head drooped so that she couldn't see his face. She'd gotten the distinct impression that something was wrong- very wrong.
He felt the tentative touch of her hand on his shoulder.
She felt the slight tremble of his shoulder and knew, in her core that something was terribly wrong. She moved so that she stood before him. Her hand was still on his shoulder as she used the other to cradle, then gently cup his face.
He could not bring himself to lift his head, not if it meant having to look her in the eyes.
She felt the resistance, so she wrapped her arms around him. With his face now buried in her midsection, she held him… and he let her. She soon felt his arms around her and there he clung as though she might float away if he loosened his hold.
She gripped him tighter as well, so that he would know that she was there for him however he needed.
Why is she being so nice to me? Can't she see how messed up I am? …she's always so nice and good to me… even when I don't deserve it- like now…
"I'm here…" her voice had dropped the monotone and was now thick with emotion.
He raised his head, but still would not meet her eyes. He chose to look at her shoulder. She looked at him with concern and neither recognized his voice when he spoke.
"Sorry Daria… didn't mean to do all this with you here. Thought I was alone…"
"Don't apologize- not to me." She absently brushed aside the hair that had fallen over his left eye. "What happened?"
"Lost the gig we went in for…"
"Then you'll get another one. Mystic Spiral always gets gigs."
I wish that I had your kind of optimism.
He shook his head.
"It's just another in a long list of screw ups that I call my life.
This isn't like you Trent.
"I'll be okay. You don't have to stay and take care of me, just… don't say anything to Janey about this, okay?"
Daria nodded, but didn't move, neither did Trent.
"What happened when you met with the club owner?" She broached softly.
"Max and Nick got into it- the owner didn't' want that kind of negative drama in a place where people went to forget their problems. I should have told them to can it. Some leader I am…"
"They're adults Trent. They are responsible for their own behavior."
"I'm a bum Daria…"
Daria winced at the finality in his voice. She gave him a small shake forcing him to look at her. She held both sides of his face so that he couldn't turn away.
"You are NOT a bum. I'll concede that you could be firmer with the band, but they couldn't ask for a more considerate or better person to lead them. You've taken care of your sister with out complaint and you've even help me sift through my problems without making me feel like the awkward brainiac that I am."
He was surprised at the passionate way that she spoke and the spark in her eyes.
"You're a good man Trent Lane," she finished quietly.
Not that good… not for what I want to do right now…
The silence between them grew. She let her hands slide to his shoulders.
"Thanks."
She nodded silently looking at him.
"Come on, your knees must be hurting." She gave him a hand to help him up. He stood close to her looking down. She looked up at him; he seemed better.
She's gotta get out of here. I can't take her in this proximity.
"Well…"
"I should…"
They both began. Each smiled a bit and looked away. Both made to move out of the way of the other and promptly fell on the bed with Trent landing on top of Daria.
"Sorry."
"Sorry."
They both let out much needed laughter. She looked up at him. He looked down at her. He brushed away a few stray tendrils of hair much as she had done to him.
"Damn….." his voice was soft.
"What's wrong?" her voice was soft again.
"Four years…" He rolled off her and onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, leaving her to do the same.
"…I'm not sure what to say."
"Nothing to say really… I'm just…"
They turned their heads to each other.
"Old…"
"I would hardly call 21 old."
He raised a thoughtful brow.
"Compared to 17…"
"I-"
"I know you're not the average 17-year-old, but there are things that you need to learn… things that I've already been through."
Then who better to navigate me through things than you…..
"I wouldn't ever want to take advantage of you- of your innocence."
Their fingers laced and she could feel his thumb stroking the vee of her thumb and forefinger.
Dammit Trent! There's being noble and then there's shooting yourself in the foot… Why the hell are you so considerate anyway? …and why does this make me find you even more attractive?
Each sighed…
The Hilt (A club just outside of Lawndale)
The room was dark, except for the spotlight cast upon the singer that held the mic. The intro started and when it was time to sing, Trent did so with a passion that came from deep within him. It was something that he had found himself lacking in his music as of late, so as he sang Benny Madrones' song, he let his mind roam.
She's just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say
He could see her walking into the Lane house
Separated by fools
Who don't know what love is yet
Images of her parents and authorities flittered through
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen
He remembered talking to her while sitting on the grass on their way to Alternapalooza
It's like having a dream
Where nobody has a heart
It's like having it all
And watching it fall apart
He remembered how hurt he was when he had realized that not only did Tom have feelings for her, but she'd had feeling for Tom, not to mention what it was going to do to Jane. Jane crying… His heart being torn up…
And I would wait till the end of time for you
And do it again, it's true
I can't measure my love
There's nothing to compare it to
Once she and Janey had repaired their relationship, he'd vowed to take a few measured steps back and stay out of her way.
But I want you to know
If I could fly
I'd pick you up,
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
He knew he'd always be there for her…
Oh, if I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take…
Oh, if I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Even if it were ever only as a friend…
Like you've never seen, ever seen
Oh, if I could fly
I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Oh, if I could fly
I'd pick you up
And take you into the night
If I could fly
I'd pick you up
And into the night
Fly,
I'd pick you up
…but given the chance, he would show her the kind of love that she deserved. The kind that he wanted so desperately to give… and receive.
Trent came in from the gig and headed up to his room. He could hear Jane and Daria's voices and their laughter from behind Jane's closed door. They were up late and having fun.
Just like seniors should be…