A/N: Sorry, I really wanted to end this sooner, but I had to work for my driving-licence. Anyway, here's the last chapter! I will keep writing "Buffy" and "Angel" stories and if you like "Lord of the Rings" please read and review my stories about that (-;
Enjoy!!!
Chapter 8 - A different kind of Love
After that night Spike's nightmares were almost gone. Only sometimes, when something during the day had scared him too much, they came back. But only for one night, then they were gone again.
When something reminded him of the time in hell he finally was able to talk to Giles about it, about what had scared him and why.
The watcher realized that Spike had become very trusting towards him, of course he obviously trusted and loved the others, especially Buffy and Dawn, as well, but it was just different when he was alone with him. He suggested that the vampire probably saw something like a father figure in him, and when he was totally honest to himself he had also grown very close to him. Just as close as Buffy was to him, he suddenly realized with a small smile on his lips.
When Spike had lived with him after he had first gotten the chip he had never thought that it would ever be possible that he would like him at all. The vampire had been getting on his nerves all the time and now he thought that he would actually miss something if he moved out again one day.
But for now this day was still far away for Spike wouldn't be able to live alone for some time.
Of course he was getting better every day and he made a great progress but he still needed him sometimes - to talk, to calm him or to go out with him. After that experience with the demons he hadn't dared to go out alone and so he only went out with Giles or Buffy on his side.
Until that day.
It was nearly three months ago that Spike had gone out alone for the first time. When the sun had just gone down he came out of his room, fully dressed and ready to go.
Giles was more than a little surprised. "Did I forget that we wanted to go somewhere?"
Spike smiled a little and shook his head. "No, I didn't tell you yet that I wanted to go out tonight."
"Oh, well, that's no problem at all. Just give me a minute and..." He already started to get up when the vampire stopped him.
"No, it's ok. You don't have to come. I just want to get something as long as the shops are still open. By the way..." He smiled a little embarassed. "You could borrow me some money? There should still be some in my crypt, I'll ask Buffy to get it for me and then you'll get it back."
"Of course." Giles stood up and walked to the kitchen where he had left his purse. "Are twenty Dollars enough?"
"Sure, I won't even need that much. I'll give you the rest as soon as I'm back."
"Alright." He gave the money over to the vampire. "Are you sure that you want to go alone?"
"Yeah. I just wanna go to the Mall, that's not far you know."
"That's true but..."
"Don't worry, I'll take that with me." He took a stake and a short dagger from Giles' weapons and held them up, before hiding both weapons under his coat.
The watcher was still not happy with the idea, since he had nearly gotten himself killed three months ago Spike hadn't faced a demon or a vampire.
But on the other hand he couldn't hold him back if he was determined to go alone. As Giles had once told him, he wasn't a prisoner. He could go where he wanted whenever he wanted to.
Slowly he went back into the living room.
"Thanks, Rupert," Spike said when he took the money. "I'll be back in half an hour, or in an hour at the latest. I don't think it will take that long."
"Wait!" The watcher said when Spike turned to go and quickly gave him the cell phone that had laid on the table next to the sofa. "Please call me if it takes you longer than half an hour."
He feared that this would make the vampire angry, that he would ask him not to baby him or something like that - but to the human's surprise Spike only smiled a little. "Sure, see ya later."
With that he left the apartment.
**********
Spike sat in his room and was more than just bored.
He didn't want to watch TV and he also didn't want to go anywhere with Giles.
Finally he decided to go to the Mall. He had wanted to get something for weeks but he had been a little embarrassed to ask someone to get it for him.
Even though it still scared him a little he wanted to go out alone. He didn't want Giles to help him forever, he needed to get more independent again.
He got dressed and walked out into the living room.
When the watcher turned around to looked at him he was obviously a little surprised and asked him if they had planned to go somewhere.
Spike told him that they hadn't and when the other wanted to get dressed he explained that he wanted to go to the Mall alone and asked him for some money.
He felt a little bad about that because Giles had done so much for him already but he needed that money and he didn't want to go to the cemetery to get his own. Tomorrow he would ask Buffy to get it for him so he could pay it back.
Of course the former librarian got up to get the money from the kitchen.
"Are you sure that you want to go alone?" He asked
"Yeah. I just wanna go to the Mall, that's not far you know."
"That's true but..."
Spike didn't want Giles to worry and so he walked over to the trunk Giles kept his weapons in. He opened it and quickly decided for a stake and a short dagger, showed them to Giles and hid them under his duster. He knew he wouldn't be able to use them if he met any demons, his fear would prevent it. But he hoped that it would calm the human a little.
Then he got the money and already turned to go.
"Thanks, Rupert. I'll be back in half an hour, or in an hour at the latest. I don't think it will take that long."
"Wait!" The vampire turned around once more. The watcher came towards him and gave him the cell phone. "Please call me if it takes you longer than half an hour."
He couldn't help but smile a little. Usually he would have told Giles that he wasn't a child and that he didn't need to worry - but somehow he liked it. Of course he didn't want his friend to worry, but it felt good to know that he cared. "Sure," he said, trying very hard to hold back his emotions. "See ya later."
**********
Giles stood on the window until he couldn't see him anymore.
He shook his head and sat down on the sofa again to watch some TV.
The problem was that he couldn't help being nervous. Of course he knew that Spike was strong, but he was totally out of training. The vampire hadn't fought any demon in hundreds of years, in hell it had been that long, and Giles knew that he probably wouldn't be able to fight anything, even if he was able to overcome his fear.
But it was not likely that he would meet demons or vampires so soon in the evening, at least not so far away from the cemeteries or other places where those monsters were hiding.
Still the watcher couldn't shake off his worry.
After 25 minutes the door finally opened again and Spike came in.
"Hey Rupes."
"Hello." He hated it when he Spike called him 'Rupes', but he was too relieved to be angry.
"Are you alright?"
"Sure, I've seen nothing with sharp teeth or big horns. There are three Dollars left. I'll put them on the kitchen table."
"Ok." Giles turned around to look at the vampire who now searched for something in the kitchen. He really looked alright he even smiled at the watcher when he realized that he was looking on him.
Then he found the scissors in one of the drawers and went into the bathroom. On the way there he put the weapons back to their place.
The former librarian slightly wondered what was going on - and he wondered even more when Spike didn't come out for an hour or even a little more. Now and then he could hear the shower, but that was all. Before the vampire came out he heard the hair-dryer.
Had Spike needed more than an hour to wash his hair?
"Are you alright in there?"
"Sure, I'll be out in a second. Do you have to use the bathroom?"
"No, I was just worried."
"Don't be, I'm fine."
"Well, alright."
A few minutes later Spike came out and Giles had to smile.
Now he understood what he had wanted to buy.
Hair color and gel.
Now he really looked like the old Spike again, his hair was cut short, blond and lay tightly against his head.
"You look good."
"Thanks." The vampire sat down next to him on the sofa.
"May I ask you something?" The human asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Sure, what is it?"
"How do you cut your hair without looking into the mirror?"
Now Spike grinned at him. "Years of hard practise."
"Ah, I see."
**********
The next evening somebody knocked on the door.
"Could you go please?" Giles asked because he was busy with cooking his meal.
Spike, who was sitting on the sofa and reading a book, nodded and got up.
When he opened the door Buffy stood before him and smiled a beautiful smile. Still he loved that woman so much. But he didn't tell her this time. During the last few weeks they had built up a wonderful friendship he really didn't want to ruin. "Hey." She looked up and smiled. "I like your hair."
"Thanks. Wanna come in?"
"No, I just wanted to ask you if you wanna patrol with me."
Now Giles also looked up, waiting for the vampire to answer. Maybe it would be good for him, but on the other hand it would probably be better if he had some training first. Maybe he would feel even worse if he wasn't able to fight back again.
Well, it was his decision and if Buffy was with him it wouldn't be too dangerous.
First Spike hesitated, then he answered slowly. "No, I don't think..."
"Oh, come on! We'll have some fun, kick the asses of some vamps and then..." She smiled brightly at her watcher. "... Giles will give us cookies."
"Sounds good, but I really don't think I can, Buffy."
Giles shook his head.
Still the vampire didn't have the self-confidence he needed.
"Really?" The slayer asked. "Last chance."
"Sorry, maybe some other day."
"Ok, you can come whenever you feel like it. Just call me."
Spike nodded. "I will."
Buffy shrugged. "Ok. Bye, you two."
Then she left.
**********
"You know that Buffy would have been careful. I don't think that anything would have happened."
"I know, Rupert." He sat down on the sofa again. "But I still don't think that I can face a demon yet. I don't want Buffy to take care of me and I didn't have training for years."
Giles smiled a little. So Spike saw the problem himself.
That was good.
"I know." The watcher put the food he had started to prepare back into the fridge. "Get dressed and come with me."
"Where are we going?"
"To the Magic Box."
"And what are we doing there?"
"Training."
**********
Now they trained every day.
First Spike had been very reserved, but after a week or so he slowly became better again. And he was very ambitious suddenly. Every night he trained for at least three hours and Giles realized with contentment that the strong muscles he had had before he had been in hell slowly built up again. Well, maybe not that slow. If Spike had been human it would have taken him much longer.
The others didn't know about the training, Giles wanted to give Spike as much time as he needed to become strong once more. He didn't want their friends to ask him constantly when he would be ready to face a demon.
After a little more than a month the watcher sat down on the table in front of the vampire. "Do you remember what Buffy told you when she wanted to patrol with you?"
"What do you mean?"
"She said that you should tell her if you wanted to accompany her."
"Oh, yeah. I remember." Spike knew what the watcher was about to say and it somehow made him uncomfortable.
"She told you that you should call her if you want to patrol with her."
"Yeah, I know. And you think it's about time."
"No, I only wanted to tell you that physically you are strong enough now. I don't want to talk you into anything you don't want yourself, but you're training so hard because you want to fight demons and vampires again, don't you?"
Spike nodded. Giles was right he wanted to help them. Since he had come back he felt so useless, they all did so much for him and he couldn't do anything in return. "You're right. I'll call her, maybe she's not out yet."
Giles nodded. It was probably the best if he went out with the slayer tonight. If he waited too long he would most likely change his mind again.
**********
"Dawn, I go out to patrol. Stay in the house!"
The teenager rolled her eyes. Some things never changed, after she had done the spell it had been even worse. Every night before she had gone out to patrol Buffy had told her not to go out of the house and not to do any spells. Luckily she had stopped `saying the spell-thing. "You're telling me that every night! I'm not a child, you know."
"Yes, I know. I guess I'm just worried."
Dawn only rolled her eyes again and turned to go.
Buffy had left the house already when the telephone rang.
Her younger sister picked it up. "Yes?"
"It's me, Nibblet. Is Buffy at home?"
"Wait a second, she just went out. I think I can still catch her." She ran to the door, opened it and yelled: "Buffy! Spike's on the phone."
The slayer was already on the end of the road and sighed. "He couldn't have called a minute earlier now, could he?" She mumbled to herself and slowly went back to the house.
While she was on her way Dawn picked up the phone again. "She's on her way."
"Thanks, bit."
"Do you have time tomorrow? I wanted to go to the cinema and..." she quickly looked to the door to make sure that Buffy was not there yet. "... it's a horror movie. The others wouldn't go with me. They don't want me to see stuff like that. Do you go with me?"
She heard a silent laugh on the other end of the line. "You think I'd go with you into a movie your sister doesn't want you to see?"
"We don't have to tell her. We can tell her that we wanna go into a different movie. And I'll pay."
Spike thought for a moment. "Ok, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8 o'clock. Alright?"
Dawn smiled brightly. Slowly he was becoming the old Spike again. "Yes. Oh, Buffy is coming. See ya tomorrow."
She handed the receiver to her older sister.
"Hi Spike. What is it?"
"A few weeks ago you said that I could go patrolling with you if I wanted to."
Buffy grinned. "Yes, want me to pick you up?" She asked hopefully. Since he had come back she had spent much time with him and she always had had the feeling that there was something he was missing. One time he had even hinted that he thought that he was useless to her and the rest of the Scoobies. She really didn't want him to feel that way.
Not after all he had done.
"Yeah, I think I'm ready for it now."
"Great! I'll be there in ten minutes. And don't you dare to change your mind! I've been patrolling alone for too long, it's rather boring."
He laughed a little, but the slayer couldn't help but think that it sounded nervous. "Don't worry. I won't change my mind."
**********
When the doorbell rang Giles could see that Spike jumped a little. Of course he could understand the vampire's nervousness, he would fight demons again for the first time. This wouldn't be easy but the watcher was sure that he would make it. He watched how Spike took his old duster and the weapons - a stake and a dagger. The same things he had taken with him when he had first gone out alone. The difference was that he probably wouldn't have been able to use it back then. Now he would - if he didn't panic.
Spike opened the door. "Hi, Buff!"
"Hey! Ready?"
"Sure."
"Wait a minute." The slayer went into the apartment and walked over to Giles. "What do you think about paying us some ice cream?"
"Ice cream?"
"Yeah, the cold stuff you can eat. Spike and I could go and eat some of that after patrolling, but only if..."
"Ok, I got it. Only if I pay it" The watcher took his purse and gave her 15 Dollars.
She smiled at him brightly. "Thanks." Then she turned around, headed for the door and looked at Spike. "Let's go."
**********
They went to the cemetery where Spike's crypt had been. Buffy had figured that it would be easier for him there because he knew it better than any of the other 11 cemeteries in Sunnydale.
Well, at least he had a few hundred years ago.
She briefly wondered just how many details he had forgotten in such a long time.
But she watched him closely and even though he had been hesitating first his gestures now spoke of confidence and calmness. He didn't seem to be afraid anymore.
After about twenty minutes Buffy suddenly stopped walking and rolled her eyes. "Isn't here anything that wants to get killed? Hello!?" She asked aloud.
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you ask 'Isn't there anything that wants to fight?'? I mean, give me one being that wants to get killed."
"Don't be sarcastic," she said dryly. "It's just that we walk around for nearly twenty minutes now and there's nothing to fight. Isn't that disappointing?"
"Yeah, absolutely. No suicidal demon tonight, that's pathetic."
She laughed a little. "Yeah, that's hard. Why don't we..."
Buffy couldn't finish the sentence because two vampires attacked from behind. They were pretty strong and after a few minutes of fighting the one who had attacked the slayer sat on her stomach and tried to bite her. But before he could do that he... turned into dust.
In utter surprise Buffy looked up and saw Spike standing before her. In one hand he still held the stake, with the other he reached out to help her up.
When she stood on her feet again she smiled at him. "Wow, that was great." She looked around. The other vampire was nowhere to be seen, Spike had probably killed him, too.
The vampire just shrugged. "It was no big deal."
"No? Can I be honest?"
He nodded.
"I thought that I would have to look after you, now it was the other way around."
"Yeah, I have no idea how you got along without me for so long."
The slayer rolled her eyes. "You..." She broke up and laughed. "I shouldn't complain. I think it was last week when I told you that you should go back to your old self."
"Not really, it was two days ago."
"Oh. Ok, thanks for doing everything I say so quickly." She thought for a moment. "Would you..."
"No."
"Hey, you didn't even know what I was going to say!" Looking up at him she pouted playfully.
"No, but I know you well enough to be sure that it was something stupid."
She glared at him. "You know you're playing with your life, don't you?" Abruptly she changed the subject. "You're in a great form for not having fought for years."
"Well, Giles has trained me for four or five weeks."
"Ah, I see. You cheated."
"I did what!? Do I cheat when I train?"
"If I don't know about it, yes." She grinned at him. "But I forgive you."
"Oh, thanks for your mercy." He rolled his eyes.
"What about the ice cream now?"
"Already? You only patrol for 30 minutes lately?"
"Well, usually not. But we can make an exception. We could go patrolling together more often now, so - what do you think?"
"Sure, let's go."
**********
It was good to see that Spike was feeling so much better.
Buffy had been very worried since the vampire had returned; she actually had feared that he wouldn't get over it at all.
And she hadn't been able to stop feeling guilty about that.
After all he had died for her - because he had loved her.
She wondered if he still felt that way. He hadn't mentioned it anymore, but she just couldn't go on ignoring his feelings. Before he had been in hell she had told herself that he wasn't able to feel at all because of the lack of a soul, but now she knew how wrong she had been. His feelings were as true as he had always pretended and if she wanted or not, she had to deal with them.
This time she had to be fair.
And she had to show him that he meant a lot to her, even though she didn't love him.
When they sat in the café and ate their ice cream Buffy decided to start a conversation, they had been silent until then and it became quiet uncomfortable.
"Spike, I think we need to talk about something."
He looked up. "About what?"
"Well, we didn't mention it yet, but you... you sacrificed yourself for me."
A weak, even embarrassed smile formed on the vampire's lips. "Yeah, but that's ok."
"No, that's not ok. You suffered so much just because of me - because I couldn't take care of myself." She paused a moment, it was hard to talk about that. "I will never forget that, Spike, never. You know, you can always count on me."
He nodded and she realized that it wasn't easy for him either.
"May I ask you something?" The slayer asked carefully.
"Sure."
"Do you still love me?"
There was a long silence between them, then Spike finally answered. "Yes."
She nodded and wanted to say something but he quickly made eye-contact and cut her off. "I understand now that you will never return my feelings and I won't start stalking you again, so don't worry about that."
Buffy smiled, he really had changed. "I didn't worry about that." It was true, she realized a little surprised. "It's just... Can you deal?"
**********
He saw the worry in her eyes and smiled a little. But he didn't answer immediately; he didn't know the answer himself.
Could he deal?
Yes, he decided. He would never have her love but if he tried to get it again he would lose her friendship as well.
And that was the last thing he wanted.
"I can deal", he said. "Don't worry, your friendship is enough for me now. I hope to keep it."
Still he was looking into her eyes but now he bowed his head.
The café was nearly empty and they sat in a corner where they had some privacy. Spike was more than glad about that. He needed the silence now and he could tell that Buffy felt the same.
The vampire still didn't look up; he didn't dare to. He feared that she would tell him too keep some distance now - that it would be better for both of them.
But he heard her standing up and walking over to him. Spike didn't look up until she sat next to him.
**********
"I can deal. Don't worry, your friendship is enough for me now. I hope to keep it." With the last words his voice broke and he lowered his gaze, breaking the eye-contact.
Buffy felt tears coming to her eyes, she knew it was hard to love someone without any hope to get him and she admired his bravery.
But she also felt sad because she felt that he still didn't trust her, her loyalty, completely. Well, she couldn't blame him. She had treated him like dirt before he had given his life for her. Now she couldn't expect him to forget everything; that was too much to ask.
It would take some time before everything would be alright, but she knew she would do anything for it.
He still didn't look up and she knew that he was trying to fight back tears.
Slowly Buffy stood up, only to walk a few steps and sit down next to him.
Almost reluctantly he lifted his head and looked at her, his bright blue eyes swimming with unshed tears; just like her own.
"You will keep it forever" she whispered and embraced him gently.
The End
Enjoy!!!
Chapter 8 - A different kind of Love
After that night Spike's nightmares were almost gone. Only sometimes, when something during the day had scared him too much, they came back. But only for one night, then they were gone again.
When something reminded him of the time in hell he finally was able to talk to Giles about it, about what had scared him and why.
The watcher realized that Spike had become very trusting towards him, of course he obviously trusted and loved the others, especially Buffy and Dawn, as well, but it was just different when he was alone with him. He suggested that the vampire probably saw something like a father figure in him, and when he was totally honest to himself he had also grown very close to him. Just as close as Buffy was to him, he suddenly realized with a small smile on his lips.
When Spike had lived with him after he had first gotten the chip he had never thought that it would ever be possible that he would like him at all. The vampire had been getting on his nerves all the time and now he thought that he would actually miss something if he moved out again one day.
But for now this day was still far away for Spike wouldn't be able to live alone for some time.
Of course he was getting better every day and he made a great progress but he still needed him sometimes - to talk, to calm him or to go out with him. After that experience with the demons he hadn't dared to go out alone and so he only went out with Giles or Buffy on his side.
Until that day.
It was nearly three months ago that Spike had gone out alone for the first time. When the sun had just gone down he came out of his room, fully dressed and ready to go.
Giles was more than a little surprised. "Did I forget that we wanted to go somewhere?"
Spike smiled a little and shook his head. "No, I didn't tell you yet that I wanted to go out tonight."
"Oh, well, that's no problem at all. Just give me a minute and..." He already started to get up when the vampire stopped him.
"No, it's ok. You don't have to come. I just want to get something as long as the shops are still open. By the way..." He smiled a little embarassed. "You could borrow me some money? There should still be some in my crypt, I'll ask Buffy to get it for me and then you'll get it back."
"Of course." Giles stood up and walked to the kitchen where he had left his purse. "Are twenty Dollars enough?"
"Sure, I won't even need that much. I'll give you the rest as soon as I'm back."
"Alright." He gave the money over to the vampire. "Are you sure that you want to go alone?"
"Yeah. I just wanna go to the Mall, that's not far you know."
"That's true but..."
"Don't worry, I'll take that with me." He took a stake and a short dagger from Giles' weapons and held them up, before hiding both weapons under his coat.
The watcher was still not happy with the idea, since he had nearly gotten himself killed three months ago Spike hadn't faced a demon or a vampire.
But on the other hand he couldn't hold him back if he was determined to go alone. As Giles had once told him, he wasn't a prisoner. He could go where he wanted whenever he wanted to.
Slowly he went back into the living room.
"Thanks, Rupert," Spike said when he took the money. "I'll be back in half an hour, or in an hour at the latest. I don't think it will take that long."
"Wait!" The watcher said when Spike turned to go and quickly gave him the cell phone that had laid on the table next to the sofa. "Please call me if it takes you longer than half an hour."
He feared that this would make the vampire angry, that he would ask him not to baby him or something like that - but to the human's surprise Spike only smiled a little. "Sure, see ya later."
With that he left the apartment.
**********
Spike sat in his room and was more than just bored.
He didn't want to watch TV and he also didn't want to go anywhere with Giles.
Finally he decided to go to the Mall. He had wanted to get something for weeks but he had been a little embarrassed to ask someone to get it for him.
Even though it still scared him a little he wanted to go out alone. He didn't want Giles to help him forever, he needed to get more independent again.
He got dressed and walked out into the living room.
When the watcher turned around to looked at him he was obviously a little surprised and asked him if they had planned to go somewhere.
Spike told him that they hadn't and when the other wanted to get dressed he explained that he wanted to go to the Mall alone and asked him for some money.
He felt a little bad about that because Giles had done so much for him already but he needed that money and he didn't want to go to the cemetery to get his own. Tomorrow he would ask Buffy to get it for him so he could pay it back.
Of course the former librarian got up to get the money from the kitchen.
"Are you sure that you want to go alone?" He asked
"Yeah. I just wanna go to the Mall, that's not far you know."
"That's true but..."
Spike didn't want Giles to worry and so he walked over to the trunk Giles kept his weapons in. He opened it and quickly decided for a stake and a short dagger, showed them to Giles and hid them under his duster. He knew he wouldn't be able to use them if he met any demons, his fear would prevent it. But he hoped that it would calm the human a little.
Then he got the money and already turned to go.
"Thanks, Rupert. I'll be back in half an hour, or in an hour at the latest. I don't think it will take that long."
"Wait!" The vampire turned around once more. The watcher came towards him and gave him the cell phone. "Please call me if it takes you longer than half an hour."
He couldn't help but smile a little. Usually he would have told Giles that he wasn't a child and that he didn't need to worry - but somehow he liked it. Of course he didn't want his friend to worry, but it felt good to know that he cared. "Sure," he said, trying very hard to hold back his emotions. "See ya later."
**********
Giles stood on the window until he couldn't see him anymore.
He shook his head and sat down on the sofa again to watch some TV.
The problem was that he couldn't help being nervous. Of course he knew that Spike was strong, but he was totally out of training. The vampire hadn't fought any demon in hundreds of years, in hell it had been that long, and Giles knew that he probably wouldn't be able to fight anything, even if he was able to overcome his fear.
But it was not likely that he would meet demons or vampires so soon in the evening, at least not so far away from the cemeteries or other places where those monsters were hiding.
Still the watcher couldn't shake off his worry.
After 25 minutes the door finally opened again and Spike came in.
"Hey Rupes."
"Hello." He hated it when he Spike called him 'Rupes', but he was too relieved to be angry.
"Are you alright?"
"Sure, I've seen nothing with sharp teeth or big horns. There are three Dollars left. I'll put them on the kitchen table."
"Ok." Giles turned around to look at the vampire who now searched for something in the kitchen. He really looked alright he even smiled at the watcher when he realized that he was looking on him.
Then he found the scissors in one of the drawers and went into the bathroom. On the way there he put the weapons back to their place.
The former librarian slightly wondered what was going on - and he wondered even more when Spike didn't come out for an hour or even a little more. Now and then he could hear the shower, but that was all. Before the vampire came out he heard the hair-dryer.
Had Spike needed more than an hour to wash his hair?
"Are you alright in there?"
"Sure, I'll be out in a second. Do you have to use the bathroom?"
"No, I was just worried."
"Don't be, I'm fine."
"Well, alright."
A few minutes later Spike came out and Giles had to smile.
Now he understood what he had wanted to buy.
Hair color and gel.
Now he really looked like the old Spike again, his hair was cut short, blond and lay tightly against his head.
"You look good."
"Thanks." The vampire sat down next to him on the sofa.
"May I ask you something?" The human asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Sure, what is it?"
"How do you cut your hair without looking into the mirror?"
Now Spike grinned at him. "Years of hard practise."
"Ah, I see."
**********
The next evening somebody knocked on the door.
"Could you go please?" Giles asked because he was busy with cooking his meal.
Spike, who was sitting on the sofa and reading a book, nodded and got up.
When he opened the door Buffy stood before him and smiled a beautiful smile. Still he loved that woman so much. But he didn't tell her this time. During the last few weeks they had built up a wonderful friendship he really didn't want to ruin. "Hey." She looked up and smiled. "I like your hair."
"Thanks. Wanna come in?"
"No, I just wanted to ask you if you wanna patrol with me."
Now Giles also looked up, waiting for the vampire to answer. Maybe it would be good for him, but on the other hand it would probably be better if he had some training first. Maybe he would feel even worse if he wasn't able to fight back again.
Well, it was his decision and if Buffy was with him it wouldn't be too dangerous.
First Spike hesitated, then he answered slowly. "No, I don't think..."
"Oh, come on! We'll have some fun, kick the asses of some vamps and then..." She smiled brightly at her watcher. "... Giles will give us cookies."
"Sounds good, but I really don't think I can, Buffy."
Giles shook his head.
Still the vampire didn't have the self-confidence he needed.
"Really?" The slayer asked. "Last chance."
"Sorry, maybe some other day."
"Ok, you can come whenever you feel like it. Just call me."
Spike nodded. "I will."
Buffy shrugged. "Ok. Bye, you two."
Then she left.
**********
"You know that Buffy would have been careful. I don't think that anything would have happened."
"I know, Rupert." He sat down on the sofa again. "But I still don't think that I can face a demon yet. I don't want Buffy to take care of me and I didn't have training for years."
Giles smiled a little. So Spike saw the problem himself.
That was good.
"I know." The watcher put the food he had started to prepare back into the fridge. "Get dressed and come with me."
"Where are we going?"
"To the Magic Box."
"And what are we doing there?"
"Training."
**********
Now they trained every day.
First Spike had been very reserved, but after a week or so he slowly became better again. And he was very ambitious suddenly. Every night he trained for at least three hours and Giles realized with contentment that the strong muscles he had had before he had been in hell slowly built up again. Well, maybe not that slow. If Spike had been human it would have taken him much longer.
The others didn't know about the training, Giles wanted to give Spike as much time as he needed to become strong once more. He didn't want their friends to ask him constantly when he would be ready to face a demon.
After a little more than a month the watcher sat down on the table in front of the vampire. "Do you remember what Buffy told you when she wanted to patrol with you?"
"What do you mean?"
"She said that you should tell her if you wanted to accompany her."
"Oh, yeah. I remember." Spike knew what the watcher was about to say and it somehow made him uncomfortable.
"She told you that you should call her if you want to patrol with her."
"Yeah, I know. And you think it's about time."
"No, I only wanted to tell you that physically you are strong enough now. I don't want to talk you into anything you don't want yourself, but you're training so hard because you want to fight demons and vampires again, don't you?"
Spike nodded. Giles was right he wanted to help them. Since he had come back he felt so useless, they all did so much for him and he couldn't do anything in return. "You're right. I'll call her, maybe she's not out yet."
Giles nodded. It was probably the best if he went out with the slayer tonight. If he waited too long he would most likely change his mind again.
**********
"Dawn, I go out to patrol. Stay in the house!"
The teenager rolled her eyes. Some things never changed, after she had done the spell it had been even worse. Every night before she had gone out to patrol Buffy had told her not to go out of the house and not to do any spells. Luckily she had stopped `saying the spell-thing. "You're telling me that every night! I'm not a child, you know."
"Yes, I know. I guess I'm just worried."
Dawn only rolled her eyes again and turned to go.
Buffy had left the house already when the telephone rang.
Her younger sister picked it up. "Yes?"
"It's me, Nibblet. Is Buffy at home?"
"Wait a second, she just went out. I think I can still catch her." She ran to the door, opened it and yelled: "Buffy! Spike's on the phone."
The slayer was already on the end of the road and sighed. "He couldn't have called a minute earlier now, could he?" She mumbled to herself and slowly went back to the house.
While she was on her way Dawn picked up the phone again. "She's on her way."
"Thanks, bit."
"Do you have time tomorrow? I wanted to go to the cinema and..." she quickly looked to the door to make sure that Buffy was not there yet. "... it's a horror movie. The others wouldn't go with me. They don't want me to see stuff like that. Do you go with me?"
She heard a silent laugh on the other end of the line. "You think I'd go with you into a movie your sister doesn't want you to see?"
"We don't have to tell her. We can tell her that we wanna go into a different movie. And I'll pay."
Spike thought for a moment. "Ok, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8 o'clock. Alright?"
Dawn smiled brightly. Slowly he was becoming the old Spike again. "Yes. Oh, Buffy is coming. See ya tomorrow."
She handed the receiver to her older sister.
"Hi Spike. What is it?"
"A few weeks ago you said that I could go patrolling with you if I wanted to."
Buffy grinned. "Yes, want me to pick you up?" She asked hopefully. Since he had come back she had spent much time with him and she always had had the feeling that there was something he was missing. One time he had even hinted that he thought that he was useless to her and the rest of the Scoobies. She really didn't want him to feel that way.
Not after all he had done.
"Yeah, I think I'm ready for it now."
"Great! I'll be there in ten minutes. And don't you dare to change your mind! I've been patrolling alone for too long, it's rather boring."
He laughed a little, but the slayer couldn't help but think that it sounded nervous. "Don't worry. I won't change my mind."
**********
When the doorbell rang Giles could see that Spike jumped a little. Of course he could understand the vampire's nervousness, he would fight demons again for the first time. This wouldn't be easy but the watcher was sure that he would make it. He watched how Spike took his old duster and the weapons - a stake and a dagger. The same things he had taken with him when he had first gone out alone. The difference was that he probably wouldn't have been able to use it back then. Now he would - if he didn't panic.
Spike opened the door. "Hi, Buff!"
"Hey! Ready?"
"Sure."
"Wait a minute." The slayer went into the apartment and walked over to Giles. "What do you think about paying us some ice cream?"
"Ice cream?"
"Yeah, the cold stuff you can eat. Spike and I could go and eat some of that after patrolling, but only if..."
"Ok, I got it. Only if I pay it" The watcher took his purse and gave her 15 Dollars.
She smiled at him brightly. "Thanks." Then she turned around, headed for the door and looked at Spike. "Let's go."
**********
They went to the cemetery where Spike's crypt had been. Buffy had figured that it would be easier for him there because he knew it better than any of the other 11 cemeteries in Sunnydale.
Well, at least he had a few hundred years ago.
She briefly wondered just how many details he had forgotten in such a long time.
But she watched him closely and even though he had been hesitating first his gestures now spoke of confidence and calmness. He didn't seem to be afraid anymore.
After about twenty minutes Buffy suddenly stopped walking and rolled her eyes. "Isn't here anything that wants to get killed? Hello!?" She asked aloud.
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you ask 'Isn't there anything that wants to fight?'? I mean, give me one being that wants to get killed."
"Don't be sarcastic," she said dryly. "It's just that we walk around for nearly twenty minutes now and there's nothing to fight. Isn't that disappointing?"
"Yeah, absolutely. No suicidal demon tonight, that's pathetic."
She laughed a little. "Yeah, that's hard. Why don't we..."
Buffy couldn't finish the sentence because two vampires attacked from behind. They were pretty strong and after a few minutes of fighting the one who had attacked the slayer sat on her stomach and tried to bite her. But before he could do that he... turned into dust.
In utter surprise Buffy looked up and saw Spike standing before her. In one hand he still held the stake, with the other he reached out to help her up.
When she stood on her feet again she smiled at him. "Wow, that was great." She looked around. The other vampire was nowhere to be seen, Spike had probably killed him, too.
The vampire just shrugged. "It was no big deal."
"No? Can I be honest?"
He nodded.
"I thought that I would have to look after you, now it was the other way around."
"Yeah, I have no idea how you got along without me for so long."
The slayer rolled her eyes. "You..." She broke up and laughed. "I shouldn't complain. I think it was last week when I told you that you should go back to your old self."
"Not really, it was two days ago."
"Oh. Ok, thanks for doing everything I say so quickly." She thought for a moment. "Would you..."
"No."
"Hey, you didn't even know what I was going to say!" Looking up at him she pouted playfully.
"No, but I know you well enough to be sure that it was something stupid."
She glared at him. "You know you're playing with your life, don't you?" Abruptly she changed the subject. "You're in a great form for not having fought for years."
"Well, Giles has trained me for four or five weeks."
"Ah, I see. You cheated."
"I did what!? Do I cheat when I train?"
"If I don't know about it, yes." She grinned at him. "But I forgive you."
"Oh, thanks for your mercy." He rolled his eyes.
"What about the ice cream now?"
"Already? You only patrol for 30 minutes lately?"
"Well, usually not. But we can make an exception. We could go patrolling together more often now, so - what do you think?"
"Sure, let's go."
**********
It was good to see that Spike was feeling so much better.
Buffy had been very worried since the vampire had returned; she actually had feared that he wouldn't get over it at all.
And she hadn't been able to stop feeling guilty about that.
After all he had died for her - because he had loved her.
She wondered if he still felt that way. He hadn't mentioned it anymore, but she just couldn't go on ignoring his feelings. Before he had been in hell she had told herself that he wasn't able to feel at all because of the lack of a soul, but now she knew how wrong she had been. His feelings were as true as he had always pretended and if she wanted or not, she had to deal with them.
This time she had to be fair.
And she had to show him that he meant a lot to her, even though she didn't love him.
When they sat in the café and ate their ice cream Buffy decided to start a conversation, they had been silent until then and it became quiet uncomfortable.
"Spike, I think we need to talk about something."
He looked up. "About what?"
"Well, we didn't mention it yet, but you... you sacrificed yourself for me."
A weak, even embarrassed smile formed on the vampire's lips. "Yeah, but that's ok."
"No, that's not ok. You suffered so much just because of me - because I couldn't take care of myself." She paused a moment, it was hard to talk about that. "I will never forget that, Spike, never. You know, you can always count on me."
He nodded and she realized that it wasn't easy for him either.
"May I ask you something?" The slayer asked carefully.
"Sure."
"Do you still love me?"
There was a long silence between them, then Spike finally answered. "Yes."
She nodded and wanted to say something but he quickly made eye-contact and cut her off. "I understand now that you will never return my feelings and I won't start stalking you again, so don't worry about that."
Buffy smiled, he really had changed. "I didn't worry about that." It was true, she realized a little surprised. "It's just... Can you deal?"
**********
He saw the worry in her eyes and smiled a little. But he didn't answer immediately; he didn't know the answer himself.
Could he deal?
Yes, he decided. He would never have her love but if he tried to get it again he would lose her friendship as well.
And that was the last thing he wanted.
"I can deal", he said. "Don't worry, your friendship is enough for me now. I hope to keep it."
Still he was looking into her eyes but now he bowed his head.
The café was nearly empty and they sat in a corner where they had some privacy. Spike was more than glad about that. He needed the silence now and he could tell that Buffy felt the same.
The vampire still didn't look up; he didn't dare to. He feared that she would tell him too keep some distance now - that it would be better for both of them.
But he heard her standing up and walking over to him. Spike didn't look up until she sat next to him.
**********
"I can deal. Don't worry, your friendship is enough for me now. I hope to keep it." With the last words his voice broke and he lowered his gaze, breaking the eye-contact.
Buffy felt tears coming to her eyes, she knew it was hard to love someone without any hope to get him and she admired his bravery.
But she also felt sad because she felt that he still didn't trust her, her loyalty, completely. Well, she couldn't blame him. She had treated him like dirt before he had given his life for her. Now she couldn't expect him to forget everything; that was too much to ask.
It would take some time before everything would be alright, but she knew she would do anything for it.
He still didn't look up and she knew that he was trying to fight back tears.
Slowly Buffy stood up, only to walk a few steps and sit down next to him.
Almost reluctantly he lifted his head and looked at her, his bright blue eyes swimming with unshed tears; just like her own.
"You will keep it forever" she whispered and embraced him gently.
The End