Junk in the Trunk, a 'burbs fanfic

A/N: This one-shot presents various alternative endings based on the contents of what was in the trunk of the Klopek's car in the movie "the 'Burbs".

Junk in the Trunk

As the hospital gurney raced down the cul-de-sac after the ambulance crashed, Ray Peterson struggled with Dr. Werner Klopek for control of the hypodermic needle in the doctor's hand while they zoomed past shocked onlookers. Just seconds ago, Ray was on the verge of receiving the lethal injection from his neighbor who falsely believed Ray was aware of his family's murderous ways.

It wasn't that Ray hadn't thought for some time that something was dreadfully wrong with the family; he just didn't have any proof. After a disastrous and failed raid to obtain that proof, he had given up and chalked it up to his stress and imagination. But when Werner tried to inject him while Hans drove them away, Ray struggled with all the energy left in him as his frenzy overcame his exhaustion.

The gurney crashed into the Klopek's parked Pontiac, coming to a stop as the trunk lid flew open.

"Citizen's arrest!" screamed Ray as he madly tried to explain that Werner had confessed to the Knapp's murder in order to get their house; Art Weingartner chimed in about finding out where the stiffs were.

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents. Inside, crammed into every square inch were young dogs of many different breeds and sizes. "I suppose you have valid licenses for running a puppy farm? Zoning clearance? SPCA inspection certificates? Raising animals for sale without proper facilities is a felony, sir."

Werner shrugged after having been caught.

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "And this is what we're saying, that we're not going to take it anymore; illegal breeders, not just of dogs but cats but birds and snake things too are going to rue the day they messed with our neighborhood."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. Take care of Vince for me."

"No worries Mr. Peterson, I'll even let him take a dump on Mr. Seznick's lawn for you."

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents.

Mark Rumsfield let out a whoop at the sight of a trunk completely full of illegal weapons. "Modified AR-15s, sawed-off shotguns, and is that an M240? Is that a .50 cal back there?" he said, almost salivating. A grenade launcher lay off to the side.

Detective Baker faced Werner. "Possession of these types of weapons in a grave felony, sir. You've got enough firepower here to arm a battalion." The man tried to run but was held firmly by Detective Able.

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "I think this is a message to every arms dealer out there; that we're taking our neighborhood back, and they're just going to have to make their shady deals with the government somewhere else."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. Make sure Mr. Rumsfield doesn't mine the street while we're away."

"Roger that."

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents. Inside was a large metallic box with blinking lights and a large radiation sticker on each side. A digital display was counting down the final minute.

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're all going away in a minute. I guess you don't have to finish painting that house now."

"Cool."

"...and we gladly accept our fates" Art screamed into a TV camera as he ran past "if it means safety for our country!"

Detective Baker was lecturing Werner "...and not to mention the dangers of accidental contamination..." when the bomb exploded.

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents. Odd metallic artifacts were piled in a cardboard box, while the body of a grayish-green alien lay stretched out in the spacious trunk.

"I knew it!" Art yelled.

"Mr. Klopek, harboring an alien is against city, state and federal law to say nothing of this alien technology."

Werner shrugged and responded in a series of clicks and bleeps.

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "I think this shows the resolve that the citizens of this planet, this neighborhood, have when it comes to dealing with visitors from another planet. We will defend ourselves, and we will find you out and report you to the Army or Air Force or whoever takes care of that stuff."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. Make sure no one beams up Vince while we're gone."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, it sure explains a lot doesn't it!"

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents. The trunk was littered with water bottles and snacks surrounding its lone occupant. The figure sat up and looked around. "Bob Barker? Mr. Klopek, kidnapping a national treasure like Bob is a federal offense and will no doubt enrage the viewing public. I'm going to have to take you into custody right now; it's as much for your own protection from angry mobs as it is to arrest you."

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "...and any actor or actress or TV personality should feel safe in this neighborhood. We watch out for the famous and the non-famous, because that's what we do."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. If Alex Trebek shows up tell him I'll call when I get back."

"I'll be sure to get his number!" Ricky assured him.

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents for a moment before slamming the lid shut. A golden glow tried to leak out around the trunk's edges as he drew his weapon and pointed it at Werner. "I have the legal right to shoot you dead right now according to the Geneva Convention, but thankfully no one else saw what I just did. May the judge have mercy on your soul."

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "Of course I know what it was," he lied "but I'm sworn to secrecy by the police. I've saved your viewers the horror of what it was, because I don't want you to get into trouble with the FCC."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. I don't know what the hell happened, and I don't care anymore."

"Good adjustment, Mr. P!" Ricky encouraged.

...

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents of the trunk which was mostly filled with generic VHS boxes.

Ray grabbed several and pulled out the hand-lettered tapes to read the titles. "Mazes and Monsters? Terror of Tiny Town? Bachelor Party? Who watches this crap?" He scrunched up his face in a look of disgust and horror.

"Unauthorized reproduction of copyrighted material, no matter how bad the source, is strictly prohibited by law and is a serious offense" Detective Able notified Werner. "Hollywood is going to throw the book at you, and that book is copyrighted too."

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "Of course we stand against all people who take it upon themselves to illegally copy movies or bootleg record albums. Some of the finest Canadians working in America today would lose revenue if not for the vigilant actions of people like those in our neighborhood."

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. Watch over things while I'm gone."

Ricky, unable to hear Ray due to the homemade tape of rock music playing over his earphones, just nodded and waved.

…

"You don't have a stiff" Detective Able of the Hinkley Hills Police Department interjected. "You don't have any evidence that points to a crime!"

"You do now" Ricky Butler bragged after peeking under the tarp covering the trunk's contents.

Bonnie Rumsfield screamed.

"This your vehicle, Mr. Klopek?" Detective Baker asked, staring at the contents of the trunk. Inside the trunk was a diorama of their current scene; the entire cul-de-sac had been reproduced in miniature. Furthermore, all vehicles and people were placed exactly as they were in real life and the models moved about in perfect synchronization. The little model detective had just opened the trunk of the model Pontiac, revealing an even smaller version of the diorama.

"Mr. Klopek, I'm arresting you simply because this is so weird it has to be illegal somehow." Werner shrugged.

Later, as Ray and his wife Carol made their way back to their house, they passed Art giving an interview to a TV news crew. "I think it was a metaphor for how our little community here is really a world, and in that world there are smaller worlds, and in those…"

"Ricky," Ray called to his young neighbor "we're going away for a while. If Art keeps talking, just knock him over the head until he snaps out of it."

"Will do, Mr. Peterson" Ricky said as he searched for a heavy board.

The End

A/N: A lot of the stories in this category didn't have anything to do with the movie, so I thought I'd add one. It's amazing how much you could fit in some of those old car trunks.