Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating

By AK-47

Step 2B: That's What Wingmen Are For

Ranma woke up to a blinding pain in his head. What the hell had happened? Oh yeah, his father had engaged him to his ex-girlfriend. Then she had bludgeoned him to unconsciousness with the dinner table. Then she'd taken off her clothes and had sex with him in the living room. No, wait, that was just a dream he'd had when he was knocked out. Dagnabbit.

Maybe he could talk to Akane and explain that the whole engagement thing hadn't been his idea. Then after that maybe he could explain that he hadn't meant to dump her and run away two years ago. Then maybe she'd forgive him and not carry through on her promise to make him swallow his own testicles if she ever saw him again. The letter she'd sent him had been fairly graphic. She was a pretty forgiving girl, right?

Like that would ever happen. The omiai had pretty much been the textbook definition of a worst-case scenario. Where was he, anyway? The room looked kind of spare and unprepossessing, so he guessed that he was in the Tendo family's guest bedroom. And wouldn't you know, it was already morning. Judging by the angle of the sun, he'd been passed out for almost twelve hours. Well, might as well see if there was anything for breakfast. Or maybe he and the old man were getting kicked out this morning?

Full of hope that Mr. Tendo had come to his senses overnight, Ranma slowly made his way downstairs and into the combination living room and dining room. The screens were opened to give a superb view of the morning sun reflecting off the koi pond. Too bad the light also showed his dad and Mr. Tendo talking cheerfully as they waited by the table for breakfast to be served.

"Ah Ranma, excellent timing," said Genma. "I was about to wake you up for our morning exercise. Come into the yard and let's start stretching."

Ranma did as his father said and began swinging his arms in circles to warm them up. "Pop, I want to talk to you and Mr. Tendo about this whole engagement thing –"

"Yes, Ranma, what's this about you and my daughter having a previous relationship?" asked Mr. Tendo. "Akane refuses to discuss the matter, so I thought you could clear things up."

Ranma hemmed and hawed as he realized why talking might be a bad idea. He was about to start on a muddled and ill-informed digression on the Japanese economy when Akane came downstairs.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully as she adjusted her sweatband. Akane paused as she saw Ranma staring at her. She seemed surprised to see him there, as if she'd completely forgotten what had happened the day before. Then everything apparently came back and she glared at him as she testily began her own stretches. Ranma pretended not to look down her cleavage as she bent over to stretch the quad muscles in her thighs. He deduced from the tank top and very brief shorts she was wearing that Akane was going for a run. A brief image of Akane from two years ago flashed through Ranma's mind. So cute, so eager, so adventurous . . .

Unbeknownst to Ranma, his father had noticed his slack-jawed gaping. It was rather obvious considering the fact that Ranma had been holding the same arm stretch for the last two minutes when thirty seconds was all that was necessary. On the one hand, it was good that Ranma was attracted to his fiancée. On the other hand, did he have to stare like he was trying to invent x-ray vision on the spot?

It was embarrassing was what it was. Maybe he shouldn't have enrolled Ranma exclusively in all-boys' schools and thereby isolated him from girls. It had seemed pointless to let Ranma date when there was a fiancée with a house and a dojo waiting for him. Keep your pecker in your pants until you're sixteen had been the extent of Genma's pronouncements on girls. Genma had been worried that Ranma would fight the engagement, but now he was worried that Ranma would creep out Akane and her father with his weird behaviour. Had Soun noticed? No, he had forgotten about everyone else and was now taking in the morning as he looked over his koi pond.

Wait a minute, Ranma and Akane had both said they'd dated in the past, so somehow Ranma had landed Akane as a girlfriend despite the stalker vibe he let out. But when had that happened, anyway? Genma mulled the question over as he kicked Ranma in the stomach.

"Pop, what the hell?" groaned Ranma as he laid on the ground clutching his belly.

"You've been staring at Akane for the last five minutes, either make a move or let's start sparring," said Genma as he stood over Ranma, arms akimbo.

Akane quickly straightened and glared at Ranma. "Pervert," she muttered as she went to the door to put her shoes on. She hadn't stretched enough but she didn't want to be around him any more than necessary. Because she didn't look back, she didn't notice Ranma continue to stare at her as she walked out. However, she definitely heard Genma kick Ranma again. "Get up already, boy!" shouted Genma.

Akane snorted as she heard the sounds of Ranma's beating. He definitely had that coming.

Ranma winced as he walked beside Akane. Genma had only stopped kicking him when his father had realized Ranma would be late for his first day at school. What was so great about school, anyway? Ranma didn't see the point. He wished his father would just lay off and quit pushing him about getting an education. Oh well, here he was going off to yet another school.

He looked apprehensively at Akane. She looked put out about having to walk to school with him. Inexplicably she perked up as she saw the gates of what was presumably Furinkan High School. What was up with the crowd of boys gathered around the entrance? They were milling around as if they were waiting for someone. One of the boys shouted as he caught sight of Akane and the rest of the crowd started buzzing in anticipation. Anticipation of what, exactly?

Ranma's metaphorical hackles started to raise as he beheld the scene unfolding before him. He got the willies even harder when Akane gave him a nasty smile as she walked through the school gate. "Boys," she said, "Before we get started I should introduce this guy standing with me. Everyone, meet my ex-boyfriend, Ranma Saotome."

The assembled boys stared in shock at Ranma. One of them finally recovered enough to start talking. "It's him! He's the guy who made Akane hate all men!" The boys of Furinkan paused in apprehension before their eyes suddenly burned with supreme passion. "Get him!"

The entire male population of Japan charged screaming at Ranma Saotome. He screamed back, "What the crapper?"

Well, it certainly looked like the entire male population of Japan. Objectively speaking, it couldn't have been more than thirty or so guys that attacked him. Subjectively speaking, it felt like everything with a penis in a 200 kilometer radius was coming right for him.

Normally, fighting off a mob of thirty guys wouldn't be too much trouble for Ranma. However, he had been caught flatfooted by the sudden bumrush and had no time to properly get into a martial mindset. Instead, Ranma activated the 'flight' portion of his fight-or-flight instinct and immediately ran out of the gate and around the corner.

The mob chased after Ranma. For a moment it seemed as if they were gaining on him, but then the pigtailed boy leapt on top of a roof and started hopping back to Furinkan. The boys were left to stare at him as they heard the distinctive sound of the morning bell going off and the gates to Furinkan clanking shut, locking them out and turning them into inadvertent truants.

Ranma got back to the schoolyard in time to see Akane punch some kendo guy in the stomach. He didn't stick around to watch the guy collapse to the ground but instead ran straight into the school. He heard Akane following him inside just before the skies suddenly opened up in a quick morning shower. Just in the nick of time, thought Ranma. Things are starting to look up.

"Lousy ass-faced teacher," muttered Ranma as he stood in the hall outside his classroom. "Wasn't my fault I was late." He looked sidelong at Akane, his partner in punishment. "Care to explain why I'm here in the hallway holding buckets of water?" he asked her.

Akane sighed in resignation. "Do you remember that kendo guy with the wooden sword from before?" she asked sullenly. "His name is Tatewaki Kuno and he's the one behind the whole thing. See, he asked me out a couple of months ago but I turned him down. He wouldn't take no for an answer and he just kept bugging me over and over. Finally it got too much so I lured him into the equipment shed, tied him up, and made him eat his own gym shoes."

"Uhh . . ."

"After that he left me alone. Then he asked Nabiki out. She wasn't interested and told him she didn't go out with weaklings. I can't blame her; can you imagine dating a guy who was forced to eat his own gym shoes? So then he gets the idea that he has to prove himself by beating me. Every morning he'd try to beat me. Then some of the other girls heard about what Nabiki did and thought it was funny. They gave the same excuse to any guys who asked them for a date. I know, it sounds kind of mean but I don't think any of them thought any guy would be stupid enough to prove his masculinity by beating up a schoolgirl."

"So those guys from this morning . . ."

"Are all the guys in Furinkan who can't get a date."

"Shouldn't there be more of them? I mean, it's a decently-sized school, after all. Don't tell me everyone else has a girlfriend?"

"Okay, I exaggerated, the mob isn't made up of all the losers who can't land a date. It's just that not all of the dateless guys want to get broken in half. There used to be more of them, you know."

Ranma was still trying to process the gym shoe thing and so he kept staring at the violent maniac he'd unknowingly been engaged to.

"What? They got annoying after a while. I'm not the dating police, why did they have to fixate on me?"

"Fiancé! He's . . . her fiancé?"

"Yup, our dads got together and decided to engage Akane to Ranma," said Nabiki to her seatmate, Tatewaki Kuno (the selfsame kendo practitioner who Akane had earlier beaten up).

Kuno was too stunned on hearing Nabiki's news to do anything but stare blankly at nothing in particular. After long minutes he finally managed to process all the implications of what Nabiki had told him and his mouth immediately announced the thought that was bouncing around in his head: "Yes!"

"Mister Kuno!" shouted the teacher, interrupting Kuno's impromptu dance on top of Nabiki's desk. "Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

"Sir, there is something I would like to share with the entire school!" Kuno stopped dancing and turned to enlighten his still-ignorant classmates. "Men of Furinkan High, your champion has come to free you from your dateless-ness! Before the day is done, Akane Tendo's obstruction shall be removed! So swears Tatewaki Kuno, living avatar of masculinity!"

The class stared at Kuno. "Great works are in motion, my classmates. I must away, that the cause of justice be served!" With those words, Kuno jumped off the table and ran out of the door.

"Ranma Saotome, I demand that you date Akane Tendo!"

"Wha-?" The hell was going on? Did random freaks pop out of the woodwork and attack people at this school? The guy looked vaguely familiar. Right, he was that Kuno jerk that Akane had beaten up before the bell rang. The wooden sword was a dead giveaway. "Hey pal, where do you get off telling me who to date?"

"Silence! It is only meet that you should date Akane Tendo, for are you not-" the boy paused to draw in a breath,"HER FIANCE?"

The class exploded with noise. The windows and doors were shoved open and everyone started shouting at the newly announced couple. "What? Dude, are you insane?" "Idiot, she can't put a lockdown on dating if she's seeing someone." "Oh yeah. Go Chinese guy, get inside Akane's pants!" "We're rooting for you!"

"Dammit, I'm getting out of here!" Ranma raced around the corner and down the stairs.

"Come back and date Akane Tendo, you—aah!" Kuno discovered that Ranma had not actually gone down the stairs but had instead hung out of sight waiting to trip him. The rest of the class discovered what had happened when they caught up to the two and saw Kuno sprawled on the steps.

"Sucker!" shouted Ranma. He hopped on Kuno's belly then continued to make his way downstairs. "Follow me if you wanna fight!"

"Haaaa," gasped Kuno. "Give me a second."

Ranma impatiently tapped his foot as he watched Kuno slowly stand up with the aid of his wooden sword. The older boy clutched the handrail as he carefully went down the stairs.

"Look, I'm going on ahead," said Ranma. "Come find me when you get to the ground floor."

"Don't look so smug, you cur, I'm already injured from before!" said Kuno.

Ranma rolled his eyes at the excuse. "You're the one who tried picking a fight."

Kuno ignored him in favour of continuing his slow progress.

"Come on, this is pathetic!" shouted Ranma. "Forget it, I'm going home."

"That's not a bad idea," said Akane. "Okay, I'm going home too."

"Hey, yeah," agreed one of her classmates. "What exactly are we staying around for? Who else wants to cut class?" The rest of the class quickly agreed and swarmed down the steps, trampling Kuno in their haste to leave.

"Oww," whimpered Kuno. "My tummy hurts." Then the pain signals from the rest of his body finally reached his brain. "Now my everything hurts. Ranma Saotome, you'll pay for this!" Another twinge of pain went through him. "As soon as I get out of the hospital."