The deep rumbling shook everything and when a red beam erupted from the ground Hux gasped and woke up. His heart was pounding and he wiped over his face. Rose was sleeping next to him, this time she didn't wake up.

He looked at her and smiled, resisting the temptation to brush over her dark hair that had a few silver hairs in it.

He sat up and checked his chrono, it was 02:13. Slowly he slipped out of the bed and went as quietly as possible in the kitchen.

He yawned as the boiled the water for a cup of tea. It had been some time since he had last dreamed about Starkiller, but it was frequent enough.

He heard steps behind him, without looking he knew that it was Khela. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"No problem, couldn't sleep. Not really."

He turned to face the 14 year old teenager. "Want to talk about it?"

"Just a big test tomorrow in school. You know that stuff like this makes me antsy. What about you? Another nightmare?"

"Yes, in a way. Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Nope, it's too late. What is it with these nightmares anyway? What are they about?"

He looked at her, he thought about his answer. One day he had to tell her, but not today. Just a little bit longer. "Stuff from the war."

She craned her head like she always did when she was thinking. "That reminds me, I wanted to read the diary of my other mom yesterday but I couldn't find it. Do you know where it is?"

"I think it's in the living room with the other pads. You might have to recharge it though." He put tea leaves into the tea egg.

He heard footsteps recede, then she came back. He turned and stirred his tea. She tried to activate the pad, with a sigh she put it into the charging station on the wall.

"Why the sudden interest in the old diaries?" Hux asked.

She shrugged. "I was with Atoye today, he has to do this history project about the war. I thought he would like some source material - his relatives weren't in the war."

"I see." He took the tea egg out.

"Perhaps he could do an interview with you guys - teachers always love interviews, stars know why."

"He should interview Rose, after all she was right there with General Organa."

She sat on the counter next to him and let her feet dangle. "Why don't you like to talk about the war?"

He pressed his lips together.

"I-" he began. What would she say? Nothing of course, there was nothing to say. Perhaps she would even refuse to speak to him after she knew. "I did things I'm not proud of."

"I gathered as much through the years. You get all clammed up as soon as someone mentions the war - unless it's mom of course. You get all misty-eyed, it's gross."

He smiled sadly but didn't say anything.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Got a test to write tomorrow." She jumped off the counter and headed up the stairs.

Hux stared into his tea. He had to talk to Rose about it, she knew what to do, how to tell her.

-o-

"It's your decision," Rose said in the morning. She yawned and stretched.

"I don't want to tell her at all to be honest," he said and sat up in bed. "It will upset her-"

"-and you."

"Of course, I'm afraid that she will despise me."

She pulled him into a kiss. "I know. That's the reason why you didn't want her to call you 'dad' all these years, isn't it?"

"It didn't seem appropriate."

She sighed. "I told you before: You raised her as much as I did. But if you don't feel comfortable-"

"I don't."

"Okay, we have been over this often enough. You asked for my advice - tell her before she finds out some other way."

He kneaded his hands. "I will. I just need a good opportunity."

"That's what you have been saying the last couple of years."

He got up. "Do you want breakfast? I'm in the mood for oatmeal."

She threw a pillow at him and laughed. "You're horrible - oatmeal is the most disgusting breakfast meal ever invented."

He gave her a peck and smiled. "And here I thought I could wear you down after a couple of years."

He ran his hand through his hair and went into the kitchen. Khela was already there, chewing on a piece of bread with her eyes closed, she was still wearing her pyjama. She looked like she was still sleeping.

He made a cup of caf and put it in front of her. She hated talking in the morning and so she just silently took a gulp. He busied himself with fixing a bowl of oatmeal and sat down across from her.

The right moment would come, he thought.

-o-

A couple of nights later he woke up soaked in sweat. He reached up to his neck to make sure that there was no meaty hand and exhaled. He got up quietly and was on his way to the refresher when he heard a creak, he froze and listened. There were very silent noises, but there was no doubt in his mind that someone was in the house, creeping around. He was almost next to the kitchen and decided to act before the intruders discovered that they had been noticed.

He waited for a couple of seconds until his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, then he silently walked into the kitchen and took a small fruit knife that was laying next to the bowl of apples.

He could hear whispers. Were they looking for him? Yes, common burglars were unlikely. It had to be someone looking for revenge.

He stood still when he heard the whispers approaching, his grip around the handle of the knife became firm. With some smooth movement he grabbed one of the individuals and took them into a chokehold. With long practiced ease he put the blade to their throat. "What do you want here?" he asked in an icy voice.

A gasp from the darkness diverted his attention to the other individual. It was an oddly familiar sound.

"Please, don't kill me," whimpered the one he was holding.

The other one lunged forward and grabbed his arm. "Armitage, stop!"

The moment he recognized Khela's voice he let his captive go. The boy fell down on the floor. Hux narrowed his eyes, still holding the knife in his hand.

Khela stared at him, there was something in her eyes he hadn't seen before. It was a familiar sight, from a long time ago. It was fear.

He took a step back and lowered the knife, guilt piercing his heart.

"Atoye, are you alright?" Khela asked and crouched down.

"Kriff, your dad almost gave me a heart attack," stammered the boy.

The first impulse was to tell him that he wasn't Khelas father, but it seemed inappropriate to comment on that. Instead he cleared his throat. "I apologize, I thought that you were an intruder... creeping around the house."

"You could have checked first before you go all- all psycho on him," hissed Khela. "Stars, we were only fooling around."

He narrowed his eyes again. "Fooling around?"

It was too dim to see if Khela blushed but she averted her gaze. "Stars, we just talked."

In this moment Rose appeared, she put her hands on her hips. "What is going on?"

Khela crossed her arms. "Nothing."

"Really?"

"Okay, fine! I invited Atoye over, it was already late so we tried to be quiet. Armitage surprised us and grabbed Atoye."

Rose's sight dropped on the knife in his hand. "Please put that away." Then she turned to Atoye while Hux put the knife back in the kitchen. "Are you alright?"

The boy nodded. "Yeah, I'm sorry, Mrs. Tico."

Rose smiled. "We are sorry. Perhaps it's best if you go home now."

Atoye said his good-byes and left. Khela gave Hux a strange look and went back upstairs.

Hux hugged Rose. "I'm sorry, Rose. I- I didn't mean to threaten him. I thought-"

"It's alright. Come on, let's go back to bed too."

-o-

The next day Hux could barely focus on his work. This thoughts returned to the look in Khela's eyes. He had to tell her.

His legs felt heavy as he climbed the stairs in the late afternoon. Just when he was about to knock on Khela's door he could hear a faint voice.

"... lies to the Galaxy ... fierce machine…"

He could feel all colour drain from his face as he recognized his own voice. His heart pounded and without thinking he knocked loudly against the door. He was too late, but he didn't want her to see the end of the recording, at least not that.

The voice stopped and he could hear Khela's footsteps. The door slid open, revealing a very pale teenager.

For a few moments neither of them spoke.

"Can I come in?" asked Hux in a low voice.

She gulped and stepped aside. He entered and saw a younger version of himself frozen on the holo. He was wearing the black First Order uniform. His face was twisted in anger, teeth gritted.

Khela sat down on her chair and turned her eyes to the holo. "Mom knows, doesn't she?"

He clasped his hands behind his back in an attempt to regain some shred of self-control. "Yes, she does."

"I kind of always thought that you were with the Resistance. Never for one second had I thought… but the way you grabbed Atoye, the way you held that knife. There was this coldness about you and it made me wonder."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" she asked, her eyes were moist. "For all the people the First Order killed?"

"I regret a lot of things in my life. One of them was not to tell you the truth about me. But I was too much of a coward, I was scared that you would-" he broke off. "I love you and I was scared that you would hate me."

A single tear run down Khela's cheek. "Love me? It that why you told me over and over again not to call you 'dad'? Bullshit!"

Her words pierced his heart. He gulped. "Your parents, they fought against the Order, they died for the cause - it would have been indecent to let you call me that."

She clenched her hands to fists. "Did you-"

"I didn't participate in the fight where they died," he said quickly. "But it makes me no less responsible. I planned a number of operations and designed weapons."

She looked away from him and wiped over her face. "I read about Starkiller."

"I was misguided back then. I really thought it would end the war - but it doesn't matter what I thought, it doesn't make me any less guilty."

"Do you dream about it?"

"The nightmares? Yes, I can still hear the rumbling beneath my feet, feel the heat on my face. Smell the stench of burnt wood. Sometimes I also dream about Crait, or the way I rose through the ranks of the Order."

"What do you mean?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"I killed my rivals before they could kill me, I really thought that's how the Galaxy worked. I only realised how twisted I was when I was taken captive by the Resistance." He smiled joylessly. "I didn't know that there were people who actually cared about each other."

"This is all so surreal, seeing you in the holo. It almost feels like this isn't you."

"I changed. It wasn't easy, getting rid of most of the baggage." He sat down on her bed. "Took me long enough. And seeing as I didn't hesitate to draw a knife the other night… well, it's still a long road to go."

Khela didn't say anything, instead she turned to face the holo.

"If you like we can watch it together," he said. His mouth felt dry. "Or you can ask me to leave."

She pressed her lips together and activated the holo.

"... built, upon which we stand, will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will bow to the First Order! And will remember this... as the last day of the Republic!"

The holo feed cut to the gigantic beam erupting from the planet. Khela deactivated the holo and turned to face him. "Did you feel bad back then?"

He thought about it for a moment. "I felt uneasy, excited perhaps but I didn't think of the victims when I gave the order to fire the weapon. It- it was projected to me, a way to prove that I deserve to be at the top of the First Order."

She looked down on her hands, blinking.

"I'm aware that there is nothing I could ever do to make up for my crimes, the dead won't suddenly become alive, the bereaved will still be robbed of their loved ones. There are mistakes that can never be corrected."

"But Mom still believed in you."

He nodded. "She told me that I could be more than I was. And the way she looked at me back then… Truth be told, I still don't understand what she saw in me. She is so brilliant, so compassionate, so good."

"So you changed out of love?"

He sighed. "I changed because I learned that being kind isn't a weakness. Hate is such an odd feeling, it makes you hollow. You think that you are strong, that you are more cunning than the rest of the Galaxy - that you know the cold hard truth about life. But you're just… immature, frightened and cowardly."

Khela frowned. "Immature? How can blowing up planets be immature?"

He thought about it. "My choice of words was off. What I tried to conviene that this sense of being threatened by other people and their way of life, this- this senseless destruction reminds me of when I was a young cadet. I had this urge to stomp on everything and everyone that was beneath me. I was hurt, scared and alone. Being cruel to others gave me a sense of power because they had to see me, look at me. I wasn't invisible anymore."

Khela hugged her knees. "You mean to tell me that you became a mass-murderer because you were a lone kid? That's bullshit."

He shook his head. "No, that's not what I mean. I'm just trying to describe a feeling. And you're right, it would be bullshit if I would seriously try to blame my deeds on the way I was treated. I mean… look at Finn, he was trained to kill from very early childhood and still he refused to do it. Because that's who he is."

"That's true. Despite all the odds he became a Resistance fighter. Why couldn't you?"

"I don't know why I didn't see it how he did. Perhaps I was lacking a moral compass, or perhaps- no, I don't want to guess. I don't know. Even after all these years I don't know." He grimaced. "Poe said a couple of Lifedays ago it's because he is the better man, I guess that's right."

"I once asked mom why there were so many people that didn't help the Resistance, I mean… if all the planets had just stood together they would have defeated the Order. She said that's because not everybody is stupid enough to go against these odds, and I thought what she really meant to say was that not every is cut out to be a hero."

He smiled. "She is right of course. She always is."

"That means she was also right to believe in you," said Khela with a crooked eyebrow.

That caught him off-guard. "No, no- that's not what I meant." He sighed. "It seems you have inherited her sharp wit."

"And your analytical mind."

His looked at her and blinked. Did that mean that she didn't hate him?

Khela got up and sat down next to him on the bed. "Honestly I don't know what to think. This whole situation is kriffed up - I mean, what am I supposed to do now? Should I yell at you? Tell you to go away? Or tell you that everything is okay? All of it seems wrong."

"I'm sorry that you have to put up with it in the first place."

"Yeah, it sucks. And I have to process it on my own - I mean, what if Atoye finds out? What am I supposed to say?"

They sat next to each other for a few moments without talking.

"But you're still the guy who raised me. You went with me to the zoo back when I was little, you taught me about basic programming and you're driving me mad with your stupid rules about when I should be home."

She leaned her head on his shoulder. "You are still my dad."

He would feel the sting of tears in his eyes and put his head down on hers.

-o-

That evening he snuggled up to Rose and held her tight. He loved spooning with her, inhaling her smell, burying his face in her soft hair.

"What's the matter?" she asked. "Is it about Khela finding out?"

"In a way. Sometimes I'm reminded how frail everything is. That one day I'll wake up and… realise that I'm still a monster." He sighed. "I guess sometimes I get a little scared that it will end."

She wiggled out of his embrace, turned and gave him a peck on his mouth. "You're stuck with me until the end."

He smiled and returned the kiss.

"How about you play for me?" she asked with a smile.

He chuckled. "Again?"

"Hey, I sang to you countless times - I admit mostly popular huttese songs but still. You owe me."

He sighed and got up. He took his cello and bow and sat down on the small stool next to the bed. He straightened his back and inhaled.

He took a moment to focus and started to play. He began slowly as always, but soon he got into the flow and reached a crescendo. She lay on the bed and watched him. There was a glint in her eye, she liked listening to him - especially when he was half-naked and when strands of his hair hung in his face like now.

After he had ended she got up and took his cello away, then sat down in his lap. She took his hand and kissed it. "Have I mentioned that I love hearing you play?"

He put the bow away and pulled her closer to him. "You have. And if I ever get carpal tunnel syndrome, it's your fault."

"Then we're finally putting the med droid you updated to good use." She ran her hand through his hair. "Such a handsome man, and he's all mine." She pulled him into a kiss.

He closed his eyes and enjoyed her warmth.

"I love you, Armitage," she whispered against his mouth.

"I love you, Rose."