A Fear Unfounded

Disclaimer: Do not own.

Coming home after he received his sixth badge was refreshing. Being able to come to his home town and relax with his pokemon before training for the upcoming indigo league.

At least, Ash hoped that would happen.

He traveled slowly, lingering slightly behind an excited Misty and a half listening Brock, clutching Pikachu tight in his arms as he passed familiar foliage. He ignored the small jabs Misty sent at him for their first meeting, as he thought of his upcoming conversations.

Maybe he could skip going home, and just go straight to Professor Oak's ranch and see his pokemon. Play and train to the late hours of night before going home and avoiding his mother.

He could delay the inevitable.

Ash winced at the thought, tightening his grip on Pikachu who mewled slightly.

Avoiding the conversation would only drop added anxiety in his chest. Forcing him to avoid his mother until he went to the indigo league.

And if things went south…

Well, Brock did always say his home was welcome to Ash and Pikachu.

Sun rays brushed down the thinning tree leaves from above, warming his anxiety driven body and sending a shiver down his spine.

"Is that pallet town?" Misty squealed, stars alight in her eyes as she gazed upon the small village.

Ash peeked up, letting a shadow fall over his eyes as he gazed fondly at his hometown.

It could be the last time he ever saw it again…

"Yeah, my house is right there." Ash pointed to a red roofed house, just down the hill from Professor Oak's Ranch. "I'm going to talk with my mom, you guys can look around for a bit if you want."

Brock nodded in understanding as Misty huffed.

"Why don't we all go then?" Misty asked raising a ginger eyebrow. "I want to meet your mom!"

Ash winced but shook his head.

"Yeah but i gotta talk to my mom about important stuff. It shouldn't take longer than an hour at most." Ash shrugged helplessly. "I thought you guys would want to go to the Professor's ranch first anyway."

And Misty had stars in her eyes again before she nodded in agreement. She dragged Brock along, who looked back at him and gave him a strong smile.

Ash weakly smiled in return, sucking in a large breathe as he trudged slowly to his house.

Pikachu chittered in comfort, patting his arm and distracting him from his darker thoughts. It didn't work as well as either thought, but Ash was grateful for any tiny distraction his mind would get.

All too soon he stood in front of his house's door, the wooden slab seeming far more foreboding than any door should really be.

Heaving in a sharp breath, he knocked and pushed the door open.

"Mom, I'm home!" he called out.

He heard a gasp from upstairs and the gentle thudding of his mom running down.

He let Pikachu fall from his arms and scramble onto his shoulder as his mother embraced him into a hug.

His eyes watered, but he buried his face into her stomach and clung to her tightly as she spouted words of love and thankfulness.

Ash couldn't help but think this may be the last time he could ever hug her like this.

"Oh you've grown so much!" She grinned, pushing back slightly to see him. "And you Pikachu! You look healthier than I last saw you! It's great you two are taking care of each other."

His mom glanced around, quickly noting the absence of his friends.

"Ash, sweetie, where are your friends?"

He swallowed but looked up, smiling.

"They went to go see the professor's ranch! I told them I wanted to see you first so i came here instead!" The stone in his stomach dropped.

"Oh I see, I'll make you two something to eat then!" She smiled at him again, letting go of his hug and turning to the kitchen. "We could make Katsudon! Or Ramen if you'd like, oh i wished you called beforehand so I would have prepared something for lunch!"

"Yeah.. Sorry i was just so-" nervous, scared, fearful- "excited to come home!"

She laughed lightly, waving away his excuse.

"Oh honey don't worry, it'll take a bit longer to make something but it's alright." She waved him closer. "Come on, me and you can cook again like we did when you were younger."

"Actually mom," he cut her off quickly, his body shaking slightly. "I...I need to talk to you...Seriously."

Her smile fell, eyebrows knitting together in worry as she finally saw how scared he looked.

"Ash...Is everything alright?"

He twiddled his fingers together, rocking slightly on the balls of his feet. He felt like he had been caught in a lie.

"Everything's…" could he lie to her? Again. "Not okay, but it will be in time… is why i gotta talk to you."

He motioned to the couch and dragged his body there slowly. Sitting on their large couch, as he watched his mother inch her way towards her recliner slowly. Unconsciously, sitting across from him.

"Ash…" he peaked up slightly. "What's wrong with Pikachu's tail?"

His body froze as his eyes darted towards Pikachu, who was now angling their tail away from his mother's eyesight.

Their tail was no longer the flat edge it had once been, their tail rounding out and curving in a half circle. It didn't have the normally straight edge, but it also wasn't as curved as a female Pikachu's heart shaped tail.

"That's…" No- no more dancing around the subject. "That's part of what I wanted to talk to you about."

She nodded and sat down, leaning forward to look at him. Ash himself shifted, sitting back and snuggling closer into the couch before leaning forward.

"I...I need to tell you that i haven't been...Entirely honest with you on our calls." he admitted softly. "I wasn't… I wasn't as okay as i wanted you to believe...And it took me awhile to admit that myself. Really, I -uh- I actually just recently realized I wasn't okay."

He looked up at her, slapping his knees as he leaned back.

He couldn't look at her anymore.

"Around going to Cerulean i started noticing something weird with me." Again, Ash paused to take a sharp breathe. "I dunno, id look at other people ...and i would feel jealous, id look at girls and guys and just get mad, and i didn't know why so i avoided them."

He remembered it too well, both misty and her sister invoked a wrath he couldn't understand. And that wasn't even from interacting with them. Just staring at them would make him feel angry and numb, like his whole life was falling apart without him knowing what was happening.

"I would always wake up and feel...weird. Some Days, I just hated waking up, I hated looking at myself in the mirror and I hated the way i sounded and acted and...And everything about me felt wrong."

He didn't look up as he screwed his eyes shut. He couldn't look at her, not yet...not yet.

"It didn't make sense to me, cause other days and i didn't care about my body or my voice or how i was. I loved being me and everything about me. And sometimes id even be proud of the body i had, i was proud I was me and it was driving me insane. I didn't understand."

He paused in his rant to look outside the window.

"Those days I didn't hate other girls and boys, on those days all I cared about was Pokemon and my love for battling. It was like those other days didn't matter. But I always go back to those days. Where no matter how hard I tried, every time i saw myself id hate my body more and more." he absently scratched at Pikachu's head. "I think it was on my way to Fuchsia that i ran into a trainer who told me what I was feeling.

"You're dysphoric," The female trainer shrugged. "It's something that happens to some people. Don't be ashamed of it."

Ash stared at the girl wide eyed, unable to comprehend that she had heard his whispers.

"You'll get used to it." She patted his arm, almost mockingly at this point. "Good luck with that."

She had never explained and walked off to retrieve her pokemon.

It wasn't until later at night that he asked Brock about it.

"A state of unease or a general dissatisfaction of life." Brock read aloud from the computer they were standing by. "I dunno Ash, is this really what you're feeling?"

Ash shook his head.

"Not all the time, and it only happens when i hate my body ya know? It's always my body but it's not all the time."

Brock hummed thoughtfully, clicking away at the computer before clicking on the search.

"Body Dysphoria." He read. "People with this disorder may frequently examine their appearance in a mirror, constantly compare their appearance with that of others, and avoid social situations or photos."

"That sounds like the days i don't want to be in my body." Ash admitted. "But it's not like...All the time but i can never tell when it happens."

"Well it sounds like what you're looking for." Brock hummed. "Maybe if we knew more about what was happening we could find out more?"

"So what?"

"We should probably visit a doctor and check it out." Brock nodded. "I'm sure they know more than we do."

"Like a Nurse Joy?"

"More like a doctor joy, Ash."

"I think it was just a bit before Blaine that i had a doctor's appointment about it." Ash shrugged, uncomfortably. "We mentioned that i could have a type of Dysphoria and the doctor said once we came back we could walk in and figure it out with a professional viewpoint. Me and Brock jumped at the chance but we avoided telling Misty the real reason, instead telling her i had a physical i needed to go to. She believed us and on the way we got caught by a storm."

His mom didn't move other than a slight tensing of her muscles.

"I don't really remember what happened, i think i slipped down a cliff away from Brock and Misty before i had to take cover. I didn't have my phone at the time so I just had to hope the rain let up soon. But I was feeling so bad that day already, and i know its bad but i depended on Brock and Misty to take my attention away from my own insecurities. I was alone with only the sound of rain and Pikachu's voice to distract me but it wasn't enough."

He scratched the back of his neck.

"I can't understand Pikachu too well yet. I get little word here and there, and both of us are learning sign language but we aren't good yet. And not hearing proper words just sent me in a spiral and i couldn't help myself."

Ash was scratching at his arms, letting his small nails leave angry red scratch marks across his paling tan skin. Pikachu tried their best, blocking his attempts with a slap of their tail but even that wasn't enough.

Soon he grabbed fistfuls of his hair and yanked, unable to hear Pikachu's cries of desperation as they desperately yanked his arms away from his hair. Small yellow claws dragging a thin arm with all their might.

"Pikapi! Pikapi Pi!" Pikachu screeched, a small fist thumping against Ash's arm.

"Me and Pikachu didn't even notice when other people joined us. I was so lost in thought and Pikachu was trying to stop me that we didn't notice it till it was too late."

"Well, well, well if it ain't da twoips without da other twoip and twoipette" A scratchy accent broke through, sneering at the sight.

"And it looks like their lost and all alone." A women hummed, chortling in delight.

"I say we do what we can, nab the Pikachu and run!" a final male voice rang out

"Sounds like a plan!" the other two chorused.

"Their names were Jessie, James and Meowth. They are a part of Team Rocket to steal Pokemon." His mother growled and he refused to flinch, tensing immediately. "They aren't all that bad, but they don't know how to get their head on straight. But...They helped me and Pikachu a lot that day."

"Pikapi!" Pikachu please once more, looking around in worry.

Instead they found the trio sneaking up behind them, making the three thieves freeze in horror as they stared down the little electric mouse.

Pikachu jumped towards them and they scrambled back, holding their arms out in preparation of a thunder shock. Instead, Pikachu began to scream rapidly. Looking back at Ash every few seconds. The mouse looked desperate, wet tear tracks falling down their face before they gasped and rushed back to Ash, pulling his arm away once more.

"Pikapi! Pikachu Pikapi! Pika chu pi pika!" They sobbed, clutching Ash's arm tightly.

"Uh…" Jessie blinked rapidly. "Meowth translation please?"

Meowth's ear twitched as he looked back at his partners.

"Pikachu is saying dat da twoip is hurting himself, without the rock twoip around dere's nothing to distract him. Pikachu is doing all dat it can, but it needs help. And he wants us to help him."

Both Jessie and James squirmed, looking at each other.

"We could just turn and walk away…" James grinned weakly.

"Pretend we never saw this right!" Jessie added, smiling a bit too brightly.

"Ye, we're da bad guys!" Meowth agreed easily. "We don't do no helping!"

The three of them nodded and turned away, ready to march back to their hideaway. But another broken sob of Pikachu and Ash made them turn back uneasily. A gross feeling squirming in their stomach as they looked upon their young forms.

"No one's around-" Jessie started uneasily.

"He's all alone." Meowth added.

"No one will see us." James finished shaking his head.

The three straightened out, before marching over.

Jessie quickly snatched the ten year old off the ground, not minding his damp clothes as she help him tightly.

Ash quickly wrapped his arms around her neck as his legs snaked around her waist. Sobbing freely into her neck as his body shook from his sobs. She swallowed back her grimace, letting James drape an abnormally large rain coat over him as he carried Pikachu.

The trio ran into a small hideout nearby keeping sure that they avoided the heavier amount of rainfall and stayed ducking beneath trees.

Finally making it inside, James quickly ordered Jessie to help Ash take off his jacket and shirt, wrapping him in a towel before asking the boy to take off his wet clothes as he provided the boy some over sized clothes.

Meowth silently grabbed the wet clothes and threw them in a washer, handing the mouse a towel and helping him dry off.

Ash's sobs dwindled, laying off towards particularly small sniffles as he carefully threw on the dry sweatpants and shirt.

"For the longest time we stayed quiet. I think if Pikachu hadn't asked me if I was okay."

"Did he help you out there?"

"They helped start the whole conversation honestly."

"Pikapi, pikachu?" Pikachu asked him quietly.

Ash stared blankly at Pikachu, tilting his head. Meowth, quickly noticing the stare, spoke up.

"He's asking if you're okay." Meowth translated, quickly looking away.

Ash nodded in understanding, smiling weakly At his best friend.

"I'm fine Pikachu, it's just another day today." he quickly petted Pikachu's drying fur. "I'll be fine."

"Pika pika chu pikapi!"

"He says 'It always comes back though'."

"Then I'll handle it again." Ash shrugged. "It hasn't stopped us before, it's not gonna stop us now."

"Kachu, pikapi, pikachu pika." he grabbed Ash's arm, staring at the flaming red marks. "Ka, pika pi pikachu.

"'We can't be sure that you won't hurt yourself again'." Meowth squirmed uncomfortably. "Twoip, why did you hurt yourself today?"

Ash's head snapped up as he glared, a snarl forming on his lips.

"It's none of your business!" he growled out, teeth gnashing at the sudden intrusion.

Meowth's fur spiked up as he tensed, ready for a fight. A low hiss echoed his own throat at the confrontation.

"Pika!" Pikachu snapped at Ash, calming his trainer almost instantly. "Pikachu pika, pikapi pikachu pika pika pi!"

"He says that it doesn't matter now, that because you hate your body you're hurting yourself and that's not okay." Meowth's body didn't unwind, still tense, but his words leaked a small calmness.

There was a beat of silence as Meowth finally calmed down.

"You...Hate your body?" Jessie asked softly, as if she knew.

Ash silently wondered if she did.

"Yes but no." He answered after another small silence. "There are days I love or i don't care about my body, but there are days like today-"

"Where for no reason you hate how you look, sound and act...Am I right?" James quickly finished for him.

Ash blinked but nodded anyways, slowly at first.

"I look at other trainers and i can't help but feel jealous of em." he looked down, suddenly ashamed. "I get so mad and jealous of Misty and the other trainers that I can't help it. But its only on days like this..."

James nodded quietly. And looked back at the room, with a calculating look on his face.

"Twerp." He paused as if reconsidering his words. "Ash-" he conceded. " I need you to go into the bathroom, Jessie help me pick out an outfit."

Ash in his state of confusion let Meowth lead them to the only bathroom, waiting for a minute or two before the bathroom door opened and a bundle of neatly folded clothes was laid on the counter.

"Put them on." James called from behind the door. "And once you're done come back outside."

Despite his better instincts begging him to run, Ash crawled forward to look at the clothes. Easily locking the bathroom door as Pikachu hopped on the counter.

The two of them honestly expected to see Rocket clothing, instead they stared at a black blouse and a pair of skinny jeans and shorts?

Shrugging he awkwardly pulled on the clothes, before looking around for a mirror.

He was never so grateful to not see one.

"I'm done." Ash called out, opening the door and peaking outside.

The trio sat there, with a chair directly in front of a waiting chair. Jessie perked up, rushing over to grab Ash's hand and dragging him into the seat.

"If I'm pulling your hair just tell me okay? Sometimes there are tangles and that's gonna hurt but i can use this- "She sprayed a small liquid into the air. "To make it easier to detangle alright?"

Ash mutely nodded as Pikachu watched from his lap.

With a gentle hand, she began to carefully comb through this hair, pausing every time he winced to spray the liquid into his hair.

Once she declared she was done, she pushed a headband onto his head and placed something beside his ear. It was too light for him to bother so he let it be.

Jessie swung out in front of him, clicking something with her fingers.

"This one, won't hurt either. Just close your eyes and don't squeeze okay?"

Once he nodded, she ordered him to close his eyes. It was an odd sensation, to feel the cool metal against his eyelashes but overall he didn't mind. It didn't hurt anyway.

"And done!" it was over surprisingly fast.

She stepped back, letting James step forward. He gave him a light blue sweater and a green handbag. He had seen plenty of trainers carrying them so he was slightly confused.

"Now prepare yourself." Meowth announced, standing next to a covered object.

He pulled the sheets dramatically, but once Ash saw the barest hints of a reflection, he flinched and turned away, almost unable to stare at the horror he'd see.

He felt a weight on the bag resting on his shoulder, peeking down to see Pikachu sitting on the side bag easily. His own hat resting on his pals head.

"Pikapi." Pikachu smiled and turned to the mirror, trilling happily at the sight.

Breathing heavily, he tried his best to peak.

"You can do this Ash." Meowth cheered. "Come on just a peek!"

Finally steeling himself, he turned towards the mirror with closed eyes before snapping them open. Awaiting the mess, the cowardice that was-

Himself.

His eyes widened as he stared upon the mirror. A very pretty girl standing in his view instead.

She was slightly hunched over, as if curling on herself. Edging closer to the mirror.

Her blouse was large but small enough to fit her easily. The shorts she had worn were resting just above her knees. The jacket hung slightly on her elbows, not covering her shoulders. A white headband rested on her head, pushing all her hair back but a cowlick that angrily stuck out, a pretty red and blue rose sticking out from her right ear.

Her eyelashes were curled, bringing attention away from her scarred cheeks.

She was beautiful.

The heavy feeling that settled into his chest lightened considerably. A smile graced her features as tears burned in his eyes.

That was him.

He was her…

"Is this a trick?" She asked softly.

Instead James shook his head.

"That's you." He answered.

"How?"

"You were feeling Dysphoria." James smiled, sadly if anything. "Body and gender dysphoria. I can't say for certain which it was -I'm no doctor- but i knew it was one. I decided to give you a way to figure out. I think you had gender dysphoria. So I wanted to see how you would like it like this."

She twirled easily, never taking her eyes off the mirror.

"I feel...Lighter." Ash answered truthfully. "I don't feel bad -dysphoric- every time but… this helps."

James smiled again, this time a bit brighter.

"He guessed that you were probably trans or Genderfluid." Jessie pitched in helpfully. "I'm voting for Genderfluid myself."

"What's genderfluid?"

Meowth grinned, standing beside his two friends.

"Twoipette." Ash felt a bubble of warmth worm its way into her heart. "We have a lot to teach ya!"

"And they did." Ash smiled at the memory, despite everything. "Pikachu decided then and there that they were nonbinary, they don't like being referred to as a boy or a girl or it. They like to be called they, we found overtime that their tail began to change but Brock and the Nurses said they were fine."

He took in a Large breath and looked down.

"I...I'm Genderfluid...I don't always want to be a boy or a girl, but I don't always want to be a them either. I want to change and i feel like a boy a girl or a they sometimes." he felt his body sink lower. "I hope you understand mom."

There was silence, and Ash blinked back the tears threatening to fall.

"So…" she started out slowly. "What's today supposed to be?"

Ash swallowed again.

"I….I feel like a girl today." She answered softly. "I don't mind being called Ash...It's like a nickname, but i also liked being called Ashley."

Another small beat of silence.

"I can't have this, i won't accept it." Ash's mother whispered harshly.

And Ash broke, she felt the tears begin to fall. Her body ready to break from the sobs building up in her throat.

Instead, she felt gentle hands lift her up into another bone crushing hug before she faced her mother's kind eyes.

"We should get you more feminine clothes that fit. I know Kanto isn't the most accepting place but I want my daughter to have some kind of bow or skirt." and she excitedly clapped her hands. "I can start teaching you how to braid and how to do your makeup if you'd like! Oh but first we have to make some lunch for you and your friends!"

Ash's lipped quivered in disbelief, a broken sob clawing her way to her throat as she hugged her mother. Clinging on to her as if she'd leave.

"Oh honey." Her mother cooed, holding on just as tight. "I understand you were afraid, and I'm sorry for ever scaring you. But you are my child, my baby boy and my baby girl. Nothing about you will ever, and I mean ever make me turn away from you."

She hummed softly, letting her daughter just cling and cry, even as her Pokemon hugged them both and began to sob tears of relief as well.

"I don't know if you'd like this, but before you were born I wanted to name you Miho if you were a girl. If you want i can use that name on days like today."

Ash didn't know why she worried so much. She knew her mother wasn't a horrible traditional kantonese mother.

But sometimes she couldn't help but worry.

She's glad she was wrong.

Hello Everyone! Maiden here and i'm sort of kind of not really back?

This was something that has been building up for months now, and i really do adore writing. it's just a matter of the fact that i never have any time to do so anymore. or that i don't have the motivation to do so.

sorry.

But anyways i hope you enjoy this.

-Maiden Out.