Mary sat quietly, her eyes transfixed on a singular droplet of water, which slid slowly down the window as the storm outside raged on. It stopped, shifted, gained in size and seemed to follow no set pattern as it continued its course before ultimately vanishing. The greater body of water which pooled at the bottom absorbed and enveloped it in one suffocating motion. Mary sighed and drew her black shawl around her shoulders, a small chill rising through her body like a great wave. It seemed just a moment since she had taken herself up to her room, but by the way the light dwindled in the distance, the sun flashed its final ray of goodbye and too became engulfed by the sky she deduced that it must have been hours.

The weather outside had become increasingly awful as the day had progressed, the clouds turning an awful yellow colour and the rain pelting everything like slick cold bullets. The thunder was new, rolling over the surrounding estate like the heavens were trying to break open above them. Nobody had ventured up to the house at all and nobody had gone out through fear of getting caught up in it. This suited Mary quite well, because she hadn't wanted to go anywhere or see anyone, so it was more acceptable to sit quietly than if there were things expected of her.

The pain sat heavy in her chest, pulling and clawing as it attempted to force itself to the surface. Like the storm outside, it raged within her, howling and bashing, beating and moaning and crying out for her attention as she tried with all her might to push it away. As the wind began to pick up she could just barely make out the trees bowing to the raw power, the branches flapping in all directions like a demented bird scrambling to fly. The panic-like feeling which often accompanied the hollow and energy-sapping sadness was sitting high in her chest, so she tried her best to focus on the storm outside. It was almost like the storm was a physical representation of the turmoil and agony that had wrapped itself around her core. It felt like nothing she had ever experienced and it had sapped everything that she was and everything that she could ever be away. Never had she felt so lost and alone, never had she felt so alien to herself and never had she felt that she was no more as a person. A hollow Lady Mary.

An ear-deafening crack of thunder boomed above her, making her twitch and recoil as it vibrated through the Abbey, making its presence known to every fibre of the old building. Mary took a deep breath, reaching out for the edge of her shawl, gripping it tight between her fingers. Oh, how loud it was. This must have been what the bombs felt like in the trenches in the war, what Matthew had to experience in quick succession as they were bombarded. The echo of him still filled her mind, her body and even soul and it felt like nothing could ease the despair that had saturated her being.

The lightning flashed above her, carving white-hot zig-zag lines into the jet black clouds which had suffocated the rising moon. The recent thought of him and what he must have been through in the war had ignited something raw and awful within her, so she closed her eyes and squeezed onto the shawl once more. The agony seared into her chest like a burning hot poker and she took a sharp intake of breath as she tried to steady herself.

No sooner as she thought of him, she felt the rising panic and the agony pulling harder on her insides making her take another sharp intake of breath. Not wanting to dwell on her thoughts, she looked away from the window. The room behind her was dull and cold, the light on low and the bed still made from the night before. Once Anna had helped her dress for bed she had just sat in her chair and never made it beneath the sheets. There were always days where she couldn't quite make it under the covers, her body and mind trying not to remember the feel of him against her as they lay in each other's arms before they went to sleep. Life felt so cold and empty now and she had forgotten what it felt like to feel anything other than pain and a hollowing and coring unhappiness. The thunder clapped again and she raised her hands to her ears and closed her eyes tight, not knowing how to control the whirlwind going on inside of her, the panic taking hold and rising until it had nowhere to go.

"I need you, Matthew," she thought as the thunder rattled again in the distance, her breath catching in her throat.

Fear, pain, agony and anxiety swarmed over her like a suffocating blanket, pulling the air from her lungs and the warmth from her body. She just couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't stand it one bit. The voice of her Grandmother weighed heavy on her mind.

"You have a straight forward choice before you. You must choose either death or life"

"Mr Carson," Anna said anxiously as she pushed the door to his pantry open, stepping inside with great urgency.

"Anna, it's late a-"

"I know, and I'm sorry,' she pressed, closing the door behind her, moving nervously over to where Mr Carson was sat, his thick eyebrows furrowed across his forehead as he tried to gauge what was going on.

Carson could see the fear in her eyes as she moved into the small light rays being emitted from the lamp on his desk. The ledger he had been filling in was carefully put down on the desk and the pen into the holder on the table. "What is it? Is everything ok?"

"It's Lady Mary, Mr Carson," she said almost painfully.

Carson's stomach dropped, his mind instantly beginning to race through various scenarios. Feeling instantly on edge he rose from his chair. "What's happened? Is she ok?"

"I've looked everywhere. I know that she's been a bit absent lately and she hasn't been sleeping well, so I've been checking on her now and then. As she hadn't called for me this evening, and it was hitting nearly midnight I just went to see to her and she's not there." Anna put her hands together and squeezed tightly. "I have a bad feeling," she agonisingly whispered, her stomach churning unhappily as she anxiously moved on her feet.

Anna had been watching her carefully all day with an intense and worrisome curiosity. Lady Mary had been even more so introverted than the weeks previously, her eyes barely blinking and her face a deeper shade of pale. Anna had tried to strike up a conversation with her a few times, asking her about things she might like to wear, books she might want fetching or food she might like to eat. Normally, Lady Mary would bite back in a monotonous snap, her words tinged with bitterness and pain but instead she barely whispered back. The words were empty, quiet and deep in thought. Anna was sure it had been at least three days since she had eaten anything of note and for a woman who had lost so much weight since the loss of her beau, she didn't know how she had still been functioning.

"Lady Mary may just be in another part of the house? Is there such need for alarm?" he said, his voice peaking as he tried to hide the growing worry in the pit of his stomach. Of course, he had noticed how terribly unhappy she had been, and understandably so since Mr Crawley had been so tragically killed. The warm and wonderful soul, strong spirit and natural glow that she exuded had been sapped. When they were in the same room together he would watch her as she stared into the distance, memories of her husband ripping her to pieces. Carson could see her pain and agony, probably more than anyone else because he knew Lady Mary. All he wanted to do was make everything better for her, but of course, it was not his place to do so. Instead, all he could do is watch over her and do his best in the little things he could influence. Since their last conversation where he overstepped the mark she hadn't made eye contact with him, and this sat so heavily on his heart.

"I've checked everywhere I could think of. I thought she might have been with little George in the nursery or in a different room to get away from their bedroom. I can't find her. I'm really worried. I thought it best to come and see you first." Anna grimaced, hoping that her reasoning and judgement were sound.

Carson put his chair under his desk and moved to Anna, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Right you were, Anna. I think we should get some of the servants to sweep all of the unoccupied rooms first before we raise it with his Lord and Ladyship."

"I've been so worried about her. I know grief can do terrible things and I've been giving her the space she asked for, but today she really was not herself, even more so than normal."

Carson gave Anna's shoulder a firm squeeze to comfort her, and to give her a little reassurance that she had done the right thing. "We will put this right. Whatever it takes." When he let go of Anna's shoulder, he opened the door to his pantry and nodded his head to let Anna know they were going to go and sort the situation. Inside he knew that he must make it better, make sure his Lady Mary was ok, put right their relationship and help her. All he wanted to find was that it was all a misunderstanding and she was safe, sound and warm because the weather outside was unforgiving.

Mary kept her eyes closed, her whole body numb from the onslaught of freezing rain and wind. A dark haze had fallen upon her, the words her Grandmother uttered repeating monotonously. They went round in her head like a pinwheel of poison daggers, each one taking her further and further away from herself. The darkness that filled her was toxic, alluring and cold, pushing her deeper into herself as she contemplated it.

"You have a straight forward choice before you. You must choose either death or life."

"You must choose either death or life."

"You must choose"

"Death," she whispered painfully to herself.

There was nowhere to go. No light in her life or joy in her heart. She died with Matthew and what was left was nothing worthy of life. Why should she live whilst he is no more?

Calmness briefly washed over her as she gave in to the thought. It had been two weeks since her Grandmother had spoken to her and in those two weeks she had felt worse and worse, the pain penetrated every cell, thought, wish and need. It was the only way to make the pain go away.

The exhaustion that washed over her was almost instant, her body relieved that the onslaught was finally going to end. When her feet stopped she reached out to the surface ahead of her and let her knees give out beneath her, her whole body numb after walking for hours, her feet guiding her whilst her mind ran over and over. None of the steps she had taken she could remember, no conscious decision she had made could she pull to her brain and now she just had to let herself stop.

"Matthew," she whimpered, her head resting heavily on the hard surface she leant against.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I would very much appreciate feedback if you'd care to leave it. I've tried massively to keep the characters in line with the show and hope I conveyed them well. I have another 3 chapters written but just need to go through them before posting. I've nearly finished it as a whole, so I won't be long between posts!