Hi :) Before you start reading, you have to know a few things:

1) This is my first fanfic, so I am sorry if there are some mistakes.

2) All rights belongs to Shonda Rhimes and Grey's ABC.

3) In my universe I have changed a few things, what are different from the real Grey's Anatomy, so don't be suprised. ;)

And I am so sorry if there are some grammar or spelling mistakes, because English is not my native language.

Summary: It's the first anniversary of Derek's death. Meredith is trying to cope with her life, but does it succeed?

"Hi, Derek." Meredith said, as she sat down next to him and put down white roses on his grave. It has been a year without him in this world and Meredith still couldn't believe it. She missed him so much. He was the love of her life and now he was gone…

She touched his gravestone and soon the first tear met it. Her soul was hurting, her green eyes cried all the pain she was feeling inside. Her trembling fingers slowly made it's way to the middle of his grave stone, where was written his name.

Derek Christopher Shepherd

1971-2015

Beloved father, husband, son, uncle, friend un surgeon

'It's a beautiful day to save lives'

She wanted to visit her husband's grave alone, be able to talk to him while no one was listening and cry while no one saw it. Meredith was strong, everyone knew it, but today she could't be. She wanted to forget her pain and loss, forget what she have lost.

She was damaged and hurt, alone in this world without someone's shoulder to cry on... Alex was her person, Amelia was her sister, but it wasn't the same as it was with Derek, because he was everything what she could have asked for.

When she was damaged, when she was dark and twisty, when she needed him, he was always there. But now she needed him more, but Derek wasn't there. No longer was his beating heart, his lovely smile and handsome face… his beautiful eyes… there was nothing left.

"It's been a year," She said. "One year without you in my life... I miss you. I miss you so much…

"I wish I was able to see your face again, feel you touch, smell you cologne or kiss you again. I wish to hear you say 'I love you' every night before I fall to sleep. I wish you could see our children grow up."

"They all have grown up so much. Chris and Matt look just like you, but with my nose, thanks God!" She smiled for the fist time today. "They are your little clones. And they made this drawing for you, which I unfortunately left home. There were you and me, and our four kids."

"Bailey is two now. You were right, when you said that he was going to be a trouble maker. Last week, when we were in the market, he dropped three jars of jam on the floor and I had to pay for them."

"After your dead... I found about I was pregnant. And in the first January, 2016 I gave birth to our daughter Ellis Shepherd. She also looks like you," Meredith laughed. "I named her after my mother, because she wasn't a bad mother, she just didn't know how to express her feelings, how to show her love to me. But most importantly I know what she felt when Richard left her. I know that feeling."

She took a deep breath and continued. "I have another half-sister. Her name is Maggie and she is my mom's and Richard's daughter… our relationship ir very complicated. We only speak in hospital if we need it for a pacient, that's all."

"Amy has been a big support to me. She was with me when I cried, when I missed you and wanted to die, when I got to know about my pregnancy… She was with me when I gave birth to our daughter. She is my sister and I am glat that I met her."

Meredith stayed silent for a moment. She had told him everything, almost everything.

"Derek, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts me from inside. After your death, I wished to be dead, because I wanted to be with you. I am not proud of my thoughts, but that's how I felt and how I feel still sometimes."

"I know I have to be strong for our children, because I am they mother and the only parent that is still alive. Boys ask about you everyday, even Bailey. His first word actually was daddy not mommy," She smiled, but smile was sad and didn't reach her eyes. She wanted to lie there, besides Derek, and just forget the world. "Yesterday he asked me where daddy was. And I broke into tears, because it was too much for me. Ellis had cried all night, twins were sick and your death anniverary was coming. And in that moment your sister came home and took care of him, while I went to our bedroom and cried until I fell asleep on your side of the bed."

Meredith took a deep breath and swept away tears. She carefully stood up.

"I love you Derek and I don't think that I will be able to move on and be able to live in a world without you. You were and still are the love of my life and nothing is going to change it. I won't be able to love another man and I am not sure if I want to."

"I know that somewhere you are waiting for me… and I promise that one day we will meet again." She kneeled down, kissed her palm and pressed it to her husband's grave. "I will always love you Derek, no matter what."

She took her bag, adjusted flowers and started to go to car. Today she decided to take Derek's old jeep, because Meredith wanted to feel closer to him. She unlocked her car, put the bag inside and for the last time turned around to see Derek's grave… and then she saw him.

He was leaning against a tree near his gravestone, arms crosed over his chest. He looked exactly like that night at bar when they met for the first time. And most importantly – he was smiling. He was smiling at Meredith, his wife, mother of their four children and the love of his life.

Meredith felt tears burning her red cheeks, but she didn't care.

"I love you Meredith, remember that." He said smiling. And then he was gone. Just like that.

And she remembered.