Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 17: Coco, or: He Has No Style

It should have been easy.

"No."

This was supposed to be his chance to prove to everyone that he wasn't a loser.

"No."

Dating an upperclassman was supposed to be a surefire sign that you were someone important, and that others ought to respect you.

"Hell, no."

Unfortunately, it hadn't turned out that way.

Jaune sighed as Coco continued to force him into clothes, then step back and examine them with a careful eye. They had been at this for several hours today already, and it was starting to drain on him. You'd think that doing something like this would get easier after a bit, and you'd be right… that is, if Coco didn't insist on doing this every weekend.
Yet again, she forced him into another uncomfortable shirt. And here he was, thinking that having his cute girlfriend strip him down to his underwear and dress him up would be sexy. Instead, it was just annoying.

Rolling his eyes, Jaune gave his girlfriend a look. "Coco, are we just about done?"

"Almost," she said, waving him off. "Just a few more outfits, or until we find something you look good in."

Funny – she had said the same thing twelve outfits ago. Somehow, he could just tell that this was going to go on for another hour.

On a certain level, he appreciated what Coco was doing – she was a lot more well-off than he was, and in a reversal of the usual way these things went, she saw nothing wrong with spending copious amounts of money on him in order for him to have the things she deemed as necessities, which naturally meant the best clothes, the best shampoos and body washes, the finest male fragrances… yeah, she went overboard, and no, he wasn't comfortable with it.

As much as Jaune liked the thought behind what Coco was doing, the act of accepting so many expensive gifts from her made him deeply uncomfortable, and not just because he was a guy and guys hate it when people spend a ton of money on useless shit – naturally, having seven sisters meant that he had grown up kind of poor, so he had gotten used to seeing money as a rare commodity. Knowing that Coco was consistently spending so much on him didn't make him happy, in fact it really just made him feel like shit.

As if on cue, she slipped an expensive-looking watch on his wrist, causing him to roll his eyes. "Coco, this is getting to be a bit much."

Again, she waved him off. "Oh, Jaune, don't be silly. You know I love spoiling you."

"I mean it, Coco. I don't need any of this."

"Yes, you do – your fashion sense is terrible."

"Yes, I know, which is why you bought me like ten outfits last weekend. You ought to remember this – I wore one here."

In fact, he had, and it was a nice one, too – a pair of designer jeans (which were identical to his old jeans except for the fancy logo on the zipper and the inflated price tag) and a long-sleeved gray Henley shirt (which, admittedly, looked good on him, highlighting the contours of his developing physique quite nicely – he had to admit that Coco definitely knew what she was doing).

To his dismay, she once again waved him off. "All that stuff is outdated."

"Outdated?" he echoed. "It's all like a week old!"

"Exactly – it's so last week. It's all getting tossed when we get back to Beacon, and then replaced with this new stuff."

Jaune was dumbstruck. She had spent literally thousands of lien on him, and now it was all just getting thrown away? That was ridiculous – starving Faunus children in Menagerie could have eaten those clothes (that was not a joke – Goodwitch was still repairing the damage from when Coco had found that one moth Faunus gnawing on his new wardrobe).

Also, what the fuck was up with the world of fashion? How the hell could something be in-style one week and then out-of-style the next? What kind of sense did that make? Who even dictated whether or not something was actually 'in-fashion'? Truly, these were questions that no man was meant to know the true answers to, much like how women were never meant to know the true answers to the questions 'why can't you just stop and ask for directions', or 'if it came down to me or your dog, which would you pick' or 'do these pants make my butt look big, and be honest'.

Honestly, the world of fashion could go fuck itself. Clothes were meant to be worn, which meant that they ought to be functional more than anything. Whoever came up with the idea of making fancy clothes and charging an arm and a leg for them is not only an asshole, he's history's biggest grifter. Nobody is impressed, you chode.

Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – trying to convince his cute girlfriend not to spend ungodly amounts of money on him. Right.

"Coco, I'm begging you," Jaune began, "Please, please don't buy me all this stuff. I really don't need it."

She lowered her sunglasses slightly, peering at him from behind the frames. "Jaune, we've been over this."

Yes, they had, and she had given him an ultimatum – either accept the nice things I'm buying you, or no more sex. And yes, before you say anything – yes, he realized that it was weird. Unfortunately, she didn't… or maybe she did and just didn't care. Honestly, she was hard to read sometimes.

"Why do you insist on doing this? I've already told you that I'm perfectly happy with the things I already have."

"Ah, but there's the kicker – I'm not happy with the things you already have, therefore I must buy you new things."

Okay, this one takes some explaining, so here it is in a simple-to-understand form: you know how female celebrities like to carry those little rat dogs around as a fashion statement? Yeah, apparently that was what Coco saw him as. It certainly answered his question of why she still bothered to spend so much on him, but it didn't make him feel any more comfortable about it. In fact, it made him feel the opposite, because holy fuck, how couldn't it? That was weird as hell.

Probably should have anticipated something like this when I asked out the fashionista and she immediately started telling me what to wear to our date.

Hell, she was still telling him what to wear during their dates, to say nothing of what she told him to wear during sex. You'd think role play would be a fun time, but nah, it had to be fashionable role play. It wasn't enough that he was dressing up as the policeman who was offering her an alternate way to get out of a ticket, no, it had to be an actual police uniform with actual duty belt and full kit for maximum style points, which naturally probably cost a great deal of money… and, on another note, he still wasn't sure if it was even legal to own.

Also, they had used real handcuffs, which had been fine until they realized that they didn't have the key to it. Isn't dating Coco just grand?

How'd that old saying go? 'No plan survives contact with the enemy?' Well, no plan survived contact with Coco, either. Whenever they thought up something sexy or romantic to try, something inevitably went wrong.

But at least that was just a saying, and it didn't hold any weight beyond him and Coco. It would absolutely suck if, for example, a secret cabal of people were making plans to keep the world safe, only for those plans to be undone by like three people and the stupidest terrorist group in the world. But what were the odds of that happening? Honestly, that was about as likely as that Penny girl actually being a robot instead of just a huge sperg.

"Look," Jaune began, "I really do appreciate you buying me all this stuff-"

"Oh, great! Then I guess I should keep doing it."

"-But I'm gonna have to ask you to stop," Jaune continued. "Because accepting it makes me feel weird."

"What's weird about it? I'm just a girl, buying her lovely boyfriend some gifts."

"...Well, yes, but-"

"Then what's the problem?" She placed a hand on her hip. "I just don't get why this is such a concern for you."

"Because it makes me feel weird, alright? I don't like the idea of people spending a whole bunch of money on me, especially when I haven't really done anything to earn it."

Coco raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, you haven't really done anything to earn it?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean? Shouldn't that be kind of obvious?"

"I guess, but you've totally earned it."

That caught him by surprise. "I have?"

She nodded, then pulled out her scroll. "Check this out."

She opened up a page on her scroll, and Jaune instantly felt his face flush red with embarrassment. He looked at his girlfriend, speechless. She simply gave him a sly grin, followed by a playful punch to the shoulder.

"Congrats, ladykiller – you're officially an e-thot."

Jaune groaned, burying his face in his hands. Okay, on a certain level, it wasn't that bad – all it was was a page consisting of him trying on different outfits, each one designed to show off his muscles.

Coco nodded in appreciation as she scrolled through them. "Yeah, I originally intended for this to just be a showcase for myself, but apparently girls go crazy for the twunk physique. Funny how that works – they couldn't care less about a guy who's ripped and huge, all they really want is for a guy to have abs like the main character in the movie Combat Organization." She shrugged. "I didn't expect for the page to take off the way it did, but it turns out that your bod is perfect," she said. Adding on to that, she gave him a sultry look. "And wouldn't I know it?"

At least none of them are dirty, Jaune thought to himself.

"And hey, wait until you see the numbers we're pulling on the lewd photosets and videos!"

Instantly, he froze. "...Please don't tell me you just said what I think you just said."

"What, the lewd stuff? Yeah, they exist, and they're hella popular."

Jaune was just going to ignore the fact that she had said 'hella' in favor of the more heinous crime here. "Coco, did you… record me when we had sex?"

"What? Don't be silly."

Oh, that's a relief.

"I recorded us when we had sex," she said proudly.

Oh, Gods damn it.

"Why would you do that?" Jaune asked.

She scratched the back of her head. "Well, I wasn't gonna record you with another girl, and it's not exactly easy to get footage of you masturbating-"

"No, I mean, why would you want that footage?!"

"Isn't it obvious? You're smoking, Jaune. Chicks love you."

That made him pause. "...What?"

She nodded, a sly grin crossing her face. "Babe, have you looked at yourself since you got to Beacon and started training with Pyrrha? You've got it going on. Sure, you're not ripped and juicy like some of the muscleheads at school, but your body looks fantastic – super lean and athletic-looking, with excellent muscle insertions all around. You're ridiculously aesthetic, and the best part is, it doesn't look like you got it by spending hours in the gym."

"...Girls care about that?"

Again, she nodded. "Oh, yeah. You see, girls have this thing where they love guys to be super fit, but they hate it when they think guys spend hours at the gym, because that means he's vain and only cares about himself."

"...Then why do they care if he's fit? They don't think a nice body is just something that happens, do they?"

She shrugged. "Who knows?"

Truthfully, he did – he was reasonably certain that girls thought that all guys needed to do to get killer abs was not eat and do lots of crunches. News flash, gentlemen – that's not how you get good abs. If you want abs and that V-cut, it's all about cutting body fat – lowering calories, watching your nutrition, and doing lots of cardio. And even then, the only way you're getting abs like bodybuilders or fitness models is if you roid, fast, and dehydrate yourself like crazy. Did you know that when you see fitness models on the cover of magazines or bodybuilders in competition, they're actually at their weakest because they've dehydrated themselves so much to temporarily achieve the look they're going for? Food for thought.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my fitness TED talk.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes – Jaune having an existential crisis.

"Alright, so let me get this straight," Jaune began. "So, it turns out that I happen to have a body that women go crazy over."

"Yup," Coco replied.

"And you decided to capitalize on this by making a social media page for me without my knowledge, from which you harvested clout and money from unsuspecting female simps and femcels."

"So far so good."

"And then, to really complete it, you went and filmed us whenever we had sex, then posted it to another page specifically dedicated towards our lewds."

"Got it in one."

Jaune frowned. "Okay. Just wanted to make sure that I had that figured out."

He suddenly groaned, then buried his head in his hands once more. "Mom's gonna kill me..."

Coco gave him a sympathetic look. "I… wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Why?" Jaune asked, his voice muffled by his hands. "Do you know her or something? Honestly, it'd be the least weird thing to happen today."

"Not quite. Take a look at this."

Reluctantly, Jaune raised his head out of his hands, then accepted the scroll Coco offered him. He saw that it was one of their lewd videos. She motioned for him to scroll down to the comments, and he did, even more reluctantly reading through the things that desperate women had left on it.

Snow_White_69: I can't believe I passed up on this…

Drag0nfir3: get it vomit boy

Queen_Of_Grimm: Ah, so these are the bounties of the 'DustNet' I have been hearing about… I must say, this is exquisite. For too long, I have been denied the pleasures of the flesh.

Deputy_Headbitchtress: Person above me is a thot.

Queen_Of_Grimm: Silence thyself, fool! And what is this 'thot' you speak of? Unless it is a regal title, I suggest you hold your tongue, knave!

Deputy_Headbitchtress: Hold these tits, hoe. Best unfuck yourself before I do it for you, and Gods know I won't be gentle about it. Bitches get stitches.

Iroquois Pliskin (Verified): Does anyone else think it's weird how we like to watch other people bang? I mean, no other living things except people and Faunus like to watch others have sex. Where did that come from? What makes us want to see other people get it on? Are we just wired strangely compared to other animals on Remnant?

Drag0nfir3: how the fuck you verified as iroquois pliskin

Red_Reaper: im fifteen and what is this

Jaune gave Coco a flat look, but she just motioned for him to keep reading. Rolling his eyes, he continued past the degeneracy until he finally found one comment that made him pause.

"...Uh, Coco?"

"Yes, lover of mine?"

"...Is this comment saying what I think it's saying?"

"That depends on what you think it's saying."

"I think it's saying that my mother is very proud of me. She's happy that she raised a strong boy with a healthy sex drive who managed to find a nice girl to record himself having sex with. She's also proud that my dick turned out about as big as my dad's, and also that I have pretty big cumshots." He looked at Coco, his expression blank. "And I also think that it's just someone LARPing as my mom… or rather, I would if they hadn't created an account with the username 'Mama_Arc_:)', with said username linked to her email address."

At that, Coco winced. "Ouch."

"It's pretty bad."

"Tell me about it – she actually created an account to comment that, and linked her real email address to it. That's pretty embarrassing."

Calmly, Jaune handed the scroll back to her. "Hey, Coco?"

"Yes, love?"

"If you don't mind, I'm going to freak out now."

"Go ahead, you've earned it."

"Thank you."

With that, Jaune took a deep breath and then proceeded to scream until he lost consciousness.

If he was being honest, there were only a few things worse than him not knowing that his girlfriend was recording their sexy times together. One of them was knowing that his mom liked to watch.

And the other…

"Jaune, for the love of – mmf! – turn to the right a bit! That's your good side!"

The other was, without a doubt, him knowing that she was recording their sexy times.

How do I get myself into these messes? Jaune thought to himself.

It shouldn't have been as easy to get him to go along with this as it was. Once he had figured out what Coco was doing, he had intended to try and get her to shut it all down. She would protest, of course, but ultimately he was sure that she would understand – after all, he wasn't sure if his sanity could handle knowing that his mom was watching him get some.

But as it turned out, she was raking in lots of money doing this. And like a true e-thot, he couldn't help but give in when he had seen just how much she was making, as well as how much she had promised to start paying to him as his cut instead of paying him in clothes.

Honestly, it wasn't such a bad deal – not only did he get to regularly have sex with a cute bisexual girl who he really loved, but he also indirectly got paid to do it, like some kind of reverse prostitution deal (…or would that just be regular prostitution? Did girls even pick up male prostitutes? Food for thought…)

Anyway, the point was that he was a weak man, and more importantly, he was a weak man who had grown up dirt-poor and was now pulling in literally thousands of lien each week simply by getting his dick wet. Sure, it came at the cost of his sanity… but on the plus side, he was now swimming in moolah.

"And, cut!" Coco said.

At that, Jaune quickly pulled out, rolling off his girlfriend to lie alongside her. She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, then reached for the camera.

"How was it?" Jaune asked.

"Oh, like you even need to question it," Coco said, flashing him a grin. "You're getting better at this, you know."

That, of course, was the benefit to dating a girl slightly older and more experienced than you – provided she was patient, she'd have no problem teaching you the best ways to get her off. Sure, it was weird that she was using the accumulated knowledge and experience from dating a few other girls… but to be fair, he wasn't complaining if she wasn't complaining.

"How's the footage?" he asked.

"Footage looks good," she replied. "Could probably go for some reverse cowgirl, so we'll do that next. How's your outfit treating you?"

At that, Jaune looked down at himself, frowning. "You know, I'm really not sure about this choice in clothing."

"Why not? You look really stylish in it."

"Oh, it's not that. It's just, um… well, I don't think Weiss or Blake would appreciate what we're doing..."

Coco rolled her eyes. "Then let them disapprove. Honestly, they've both got huge sticks up their asses, so anything that pisses them off is a win in my book."

He didn't disagree, but at the same time, this felt as weird as it did just plain wrong. Currently, they were trying one of Coco's new role play scenarios, one which she had dubbed 'The Schnee and the White Fang'. What that translated to was her dressing up in clothing that looked exactly like Weiss' most famous outfit and pretending to be a Schnee while he dressed up in a White Fang outfit and a pair of fake ears and ravished her (consensually, of course – wouldn't want to make it too weird by making it consensual non-consent).

Needless to say, it had taken some getting used to, and had also raised some questions about how exactly Coco had even managed to source these outfits in the first place. Her response was to tell him not to question her clout in the fashion world, and also to just nut up and fuck her already. Naturally, he had obliged, even if doing this left a bad taste in his mouth.

"Alright, let's get back to it," Coco declared, returning the camera to its position before climbing on top of him and pulling his mask down to cover his eyes. Jaune didn't try to stop her, even if he knew this was going to bite him in the ass. Much like putting a White Fang member and a Schnee together on the same team, this was only going to end poorly.

Seriously, what the fuck was Ozpin thinking?

Man, this is going to go down like a lead balloon tomorrow, I just know it.

As it turned out, he had been completely right. The only surprising thing was that it had taken until around noon for the shit to actually hit the fan. He had been eating lunch with Coco when Weiss and Blake had both stormed over, the two of them looking positively livid.

Jaune saw them approach, and instantly felt the blood drain from his face. Timidly, he raised a hand. "Uh, hey-"

"Stuff it," Weiss hissed at him.

He obliged without complaint, instead looking over to his girlfriend for help. She simply leaned back, a smug look on her face.

"Afternoon, ladies," the brunette greeted. "What can I do for you?"

"Oh, I think you've got a pretty good idea," Blake replied, clearly unamused. "Where do you get off, exactly?"

"Well, if I'm being honest, I'd say I was getting off on my bed."

"That's not what we meant!" Weiss stated. Glaring at Coco, she added, "How dare you!"

Alright, things were clearly going to get heated if he didn't step in and do something.

"Now, ladies," Jaune began, "let's not do anything too-"

"You didn't even get any really good POV shots of him!"

Instantly, Jaune froze. "...What?"

Coco lowered her shades, peering at Weiss from behind the frame. "Uh, what was that?"

"You heard me," the heiress spat. "You're missing all the good footage! Where's the POV shots? How am I supposed to properly enjoy seeing Jaune fuck if I can't see Jaune fuck like I'm the one he's fucking?"

"And don't get me started on how it's all just PIV," Blake interrupted. "Come on, you've gotta add some spice to it! Where's the anal?"

Of course the girl with ass for days would be interested in anal. But that was neither here nor there.

"Wait, time out," Jaune said. "You mean you two aren't mad about what we were dressed like?"

The two of them exchanged a glance. "Why would we be mad about that?" Weiss asked. "It was hot. I mean, wearing my outfits? Hearing you both refer to Coco as another Schnee? It was like I was there – like it was designed to get me immersed."

Blake nodded in agreement. "And the implicit love story, the forbidden relationship between a Schnee and a White Fang member..." She shivered, a blissful sigh escaping her. "...So romantic."

Needless to say, Jaune was only getting more confused. Turning to Coco, he asked, "I don't suppose you know what's going on?"

Her response was simply to smirk. "Isn't it obvious, Jaune? You've clearly got yourself a couple of fans here."

Well, there was certainly a thought. Blake and Weiss, two of the hottest girls in school… were fans of his. Definitely a confidence boost.

Both girls suddenly nodded vigorously. "It's true," Weiss said. "I used to not like you, but then I saw your body..." She bit her lip. "...I must say, I'm very jealous of Coco. ...Um, if you ever break up-"

"Hey, sister," Coco interrupted, sounding very unamused. "Watch where you go with this. I've still got my minigun here with me."

She hefted her handbag up into view for emphasis, instantly making Weiss pale. The heiress nodded, seeming to back off.

And then there was one.

Blake approached shyly, looking very bashful. "Hey, Jaune…?"

He sighed, somehow knowing that this was going to be ridiculous. "Yes, Blake?"

"If… if it's not too much trouble, would you… um… sign my thighs?"

Yup, it was ridiculous… ridiculously sexy. If he weren't with Coco, he probably would have taken her up on that offer.

"Hey," Coco once again cut in, sounding even more unamused. "Lay off." Turning to Jaune, she said, "Look, but don't touch."

Jaune held up his hands in surrender. "You know you're the only one for me, babe."

"Good. Be sure that you keep it that way." Turning back to Weiss and Blake, she said, "So what brings you two here, anyway? Besides complaining about how I run things, that is."

Both girls exchanged a glance before looking back to her, each one seeming a bit more bashful.

"...We just wanted to see Jaune," Weiss admitted.

"Well, you've seen him," Coco replied.

Blake shook her head. "No, you misunderstand – we wanted to see Jaune."

Coco's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, well it's not happening." Looking at Jaune, she added, "And we're gonna have a talk later."

Jaune was dumbfounded. "What did I do?!"

"You're too hot. Sooner or later, I'm going to run into a woman I can't defeat, and then there's gonna be trouble."

"We could always just stop making the vid-"

"No!" Weiss suddenly exclaimed, slamming her hand on the table and making him jump. "You are not going to stop making those videos! I need them!"

Made sense. Honestly, with someone as prissy and uptight as Weiss, this was probably her first time actually experiencing something lewd. Gods know that Neptune didn't have the courage to actually bang her. He was so afraid of water that he was probably scared of his own jizz.

Also, how the fuck does someone with a paralyzing fear of water even become a Huntsman? At some point, someone was going to have to realize that being a Huntsman occasionally meant taking on aquatic Grimm. Besides that, what if it rained? What if someone got injured and started to bleed? Hell, what if he just had to carry a jug of water around on a long trip? Nothing about Neptune made any sense. He was a walking contradiction, like Pyrrha being uber-famous and popular but also really socially awkward.
Sweet girl, but she just had no clue. Thankfully, she seemed content with just having friends right now; he couldn't imagine how much of a disaster it would be if she actually ended up being attracted to someone. But thankfully that had yet to happen, so it spared him the third-party embarrassment.

Back in the real world, Coco scowled. "You know, I'm thinking Jaune might have the right idea."

"What?!" Blake shouted. "You can't! Do you have any idea how much money we've sent your way?! You can't just stop!"

Alright, now he was curious. "Um, exactly how much have you two paid us?" Jaune questioned.

Weiss suddenly straightened up, putting her hands on her hips, a proud look on her face. "Oh, I'm just your number one donor."

Honestly, that probably went without saying, considering that his up-to-this-point anonymous top donor had given them a frankly absurd amount of money, and there was really only one family in all of Remnant that could afford to do that.

I haven't seen that many zeroes since my middle school math tests.

You laugh, but it wasn't because he was stupid, he just had dyscalculia. If you don't know what that is, it's dyslexia for numbers. I swear I didn't look that up just for this joke.

Anyway, the point was that he probably should have connected the dots about Weiss being his number one donor a while ago, but at this point he kind of had a mental block set up regarding all things Weiss, because he had quickly learned that she was not a pleasant person to be around. ...Well, okay – she wasn't a pleasant person to him; she was generally fine around most other people, presumably because they hadn't been obnoxious in their attempts to try and woo her.

Seriously, why couldn't someone have tried to stop him when he had pulled out the guitar? At this point, he was honestly considering using the ungodly amounts of money Weiss had paid him to fund the creation of a time machine, specifically so he could go back in time and kick his own ass.

You can totally do it, too. Just find some mad scientist willing to build a time machine. That can't be too hard, what with how fucked up everything else in this world is.

Seriously, everything was so messed up these days that nothing would surprise him anymore. At this point, if he just went spontaneously berserk and punched a kid right in the face for no reason or something, it would honestly just be par for the course.

Unfortunately, there was no time to dwell on that, because in the few seconds since he had stopped paying attention, things had started to get heated.

"Look, all I'm asking for is five minutes," Blake implored.

"No!" Coco said, slamming her hand on the table. Glaring at the cat Faunus, she said, "Jaune is my boyfriend, and I said no!"

"Come on, you can afford to lose him for five minutes! It's not like I'm asking him out on a date or anything!"

Jaune blinked. "What's going on here?'

"Just a sec, hun," Coco replied. "I've got some thots to take care of."

"Thots, are we?" Weiss asked, placing a hand on her hip.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not thots… you're simps! It makes too much sense – you spend all this money on your favorite lewd streamer, all in the hopes that they'll notice you and give you the time of day!"

"So what if we are?"

That was too much for the brunette. She broke down laughing, tears streaming down her face as she gasped for breath. After a few seconds, she recovered, wiping her eyes.

"Ah man, that's rich," Coco said.

"Yeah, well you know what else is rich? Me," Weiss replied. "And I'm thinking that now I want a couple of minutes alone with Jaune, too."

"And what makes you think I'll even consider it?"

"Oh, I don't know. How's a hundred grand sound?"

Coco was in awe. "...Wait, hold on, lemme get this straight – you're so thirsty for Jaune's cock that you're willing to drop a hundred thousand lien just to spend a few minutes fucking him?"

"Yes."

"That's a hundred thousand, with five zeroes?"

"Please don't tell me you're actually considering this," Jaune begged.

Coco shushed him, then turned back to Weiss. "Answer the question."

The heiress rolled her eyes. "Of course. Money is no object."

"Alright, just wanted to make sure we were on the same page."

"And now we are. So, what's your response?"

"My response? I'll tell you my response."

Then, before anyone could do anything, Coco unfolded her handbag into its minigun form, then leveled it directly in Weiss and Blake's direction.

"Stay away from my man, you hussies!" the second-year shouted as she held down the trigger.

Within moments, the cafeteria was a mess. Spent shell casings littered the ground, and the entire area was shredded by gunfire. Everyone ducked for cover as Coco did her best to ventilate the two simps, who both tried their hardest to avoid taking a bullet.

Alas, much like a bad porn video, it was all over too soon, the brunette having shot her load prematurely. Coco finally let go of the trigger, her minigun completely spent. Seeing that she was now flaccid (for lack of a better term), Jaune cautiously approached from behind the table he had taken shelter next to.

"Uh, Coco?"

His girlfriend's only response was to immediately whirl around, then plant a big kiss on his lips. He stood there, stunned for a few moments before she finally pulled away, looking very displeased.

"You're too hot for your own good," Coco declared. "I can see now that I've created a monster – all those outfits I got for you… combined with your amazing body, they're too stylish. No one man was meant to have all that power."

"Uh, okay." Honestly, he wasn't sure how to respond to that – to him, they were just clothes. Maybe that explained why it was only the girls that seemed to have gone crazy over his videos. "So, what's the plan?"

"I'll tell you what the plan is," Coco stated. "We're going to head back to your room. Then we're going to dig up all the clothes I got for you, and we're going to burn them. And then we're going to find your old clothes and take them into town to get duplicates made of them, because it's clear now that those are the only things I can allow you to wear if I'm going to make sure you stay with me."

He hadn't even dreamed of cheating on her even when he had literally been offered more money than he had ever seen in his life to do exactly that, but okay. Apparently she was operating under the impression that all of this was somehow his fault even though she had been the one to drag him into all of this from the beginning, but somehow he could just tell that saying that was a bad idea, so he held his tongue.

Remember Dad's advice, Jaune: honesty is for men who don't get pussy.

Probably a dickish saying to abide by, but he quite enjoyed getting to have sex with Coco, and if being dishonest meant that he could keep having it, then he would gladly keep being dishonest.

"Okay, then," Jaune said, nodding. "I think my Pumpkin Pete's hoodie is around here somewhere."

"Good." Coco nodded. "That's a great start – that's girl repellent incarnate, right there. Then we just need those faded jeans, those awful sneakers, the mismatched armor… it'll be perfect."

Okay, now she was just roasting him. That's not to say that she wasn't right (after all, he was poor, so all of his stuff save his hoodie was basically his dad's old hand-me-downs), but it wasn't exactly something he liked being reminded of.

And that was when he realized that, for all of his misfortune, he really didn't have a right to complain, given that he literally had the least tragic backstory out of all his friends.

Well, would you look at that – apparently, money can't buy happiness.

Then again, Weiss ought to know that firsthand by now, given that her attempting to buy herself happiness had nearly ended with her taking about a hundred seven-point-six-two rounds to the face courtesy of his pissed-off girlfriend.

Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – burning all his new clothes to appease his girlfriend, the one who had bought them for him in the first place. Sure, it would suck to have to waste all of them, but if it stopped her from buying him new stuff, he wasn't going to complain.

As Coco took him by the hand and led him back to his room, Jaune couldn't hold back a small smile.

Things were looking up.

That is, things were looking up for all of about a day, because it turns out that simply changing your wardrobe – no matter how cheap and low-effort your wardrobe ended up looking – couldn't do anything to hide the fact that the DustNet had already seen you naked, and that they thought you were a heartthrob.

Sure, it was flattering, but it didn't exactly win him any points with his girlfriend, who had made it a habit to glare daggers at any woman she caught giving him bedroom eyes… which, given his new reputation, was basically all of them. It made him feel like he was the juicy steak being fought over by a bunch of lionesses. You'd think that would be at least somewhat pleasant, but given that Jaune didn't have a polyamorous bone in his body and really only wanted to be with Coco, it was actually very uncomfortable. It was getting to the point where he wasn't even able to leave his room without girls following after him, taking pictures of his ass and cat calling him.

Needless to say, after the fifth time it had happened (and Coco had subsequently told them off), Jaune was getting fed up with it.

"Okay, what's the deal?" Jaune asked. "I can't seriously have this many girls be this crazy over me. Is there something I'm missing?"

Coco sighed tiredly. "You don't get it, Jaune. So many guys try so much shit to make themselves look appealing – they buy super-expensive designer clothes, get fancy haircuts, go to the gym and take a ton of supplements and steroids to try and look their best… it gets tiring, being bombarded with that all the time. Sometimes a girl just wants someone who looks good naturally and doesn't have a complex about it, but that's super rare. You're basically a unicorn."

"What are you talking about? Nobody gave me the time of day until you gave me a wardrobe overhaul and started filming me while we had sex."

"Duh, because nobody had seen how good you looked without your shirt on until then. Sure, the outfits helped a lot, but trust me, the real show is once you're naked." She gave him a sly grin. "And don't I know it?"

"Still, this must get old for you, having to constantly fend them off."

That sounds bad, considering that he was leaving the brunt of that to her, but can you blame him? Do you have any idea how bad it would make him look if he tried to tell a girl off and she took it the wrong way? He'd look like a total fucking asshole; he'd never live that down. And Gods forbid one of them get too handsy or something and he was forced to try and physically keep her off him – there was no way he was coming out of that looking good.

Coco shrugged. "I'll admit, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it… though, I have to say, I didn't have this problem when I was dating girls..."

"...Are you saying I'm technically prettier than the girls you've dated?"

"Your words, not mine."

He sighed tiredly. This was already shaping up to be a long day.

"Could Jaune Arc and Coco Adel please report to Professor Goodwitch's office? Repeat: Jaune Arc and Coco Adel, please report to Professor Goodwitch's office."

And it was about to get even longer. Jaune looked over at his girlfriend; her only response was a sheepish grin.

"Ah, guess Miss G is probably pissed that we tore up the cafeteria, huh?"

There she goes with this 'we' nonsense again. Jaune was starting to notice how everything 'they' had done wrong was really just something Coco had done wrong, and that she didn't want to solely take the blame for.

I swear, this girl is going to be the death of me some day. He immediately paused. ...Actually, never mind; something tells me I shouldn't be tempting fate like that. No idea why, though.

Still, he knew better than to doubt his instincts. For instance, his instincts had been what had told him to go up and ask Coco for a date, despite her having only dated women up to that point and even identifying as a lesbian. Sure, that had been out of ignorance on his part (he hadn't known she had only been into girls up until that point), but it had certainly paid dividends, even if it was kind of weird (and, admittedly, kind of flattering) that he had technically been her bisexual awakening.

That hadn't stopped him from feeling super embarrassed when she had told him that, though. Because really, how are you supposed to take learning that your girlfriend was gay until she met you, and that she had been open about it to the point that only a real moron would have tried to convince her otherwise? But at least it had paid off.

Sure, part of him still felt like a moron for even trying it, but at this point he was a winning moron, so it was fine.

"Alright, let's just get this over with already," Jaune stated, taking Coco by the hand and beginning the long walk to the execution chamb- er, Professor Goodwitch's office.

Jaune had seen a lot of scary things in his life. They consisted of true horrors, things like the Grimm in the Emerald Forest and Ruby after Yang ate the last of her Vale Scout cookies. But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for this, not even that time he had accidentally walked in on his mom in the shower.

It came close, though.

Professor Goodwitch was glaring at him, and Jaune was doing his best to stay as still as he could. Goodwitch wore glasses, so he was hoping that meant that her vision was based on movement. He knew it wasn't, but that vain hope was pretty much the only reason why he wasn't pissing his pants in fright right now, so he was going to hold onto it with every fiber of his being even if he knew it wasn't true.

"Remind me," Goodwitch stated, "why you thought it was a good idea to perforate my cafeteria?"

Oh yeah, she was pissed. Like, even more than usual. That was generally a bad sign, as it usually meant that Nora was involved somehow. The fact that the pint-sized hammer-wielder was nowhere to be found only spelled trouble for the two of them. How Coco was unfazed, he had no idea.

"It's simple, Miss G," Coco replied. "A bunch of thirsty thots were under the impression that they could steal my man."

"And you think that gave you cause to demolish the cafeteria and stick me with the cleanup?"

"...Um-"

"Wrong answer."

Coco shrugged, which Jaune knew was her trademark was of saying 'It was worth a shot'. Generally she only did that when she had tried and failed to convince him to be the sub for once, so the fact that she was giving up this early in the face of opposition could only mean that she believed herself to have found a stronger opponent than herself in Professor Goodwitch. That was saying a lot, because Coco was a lot like a Pit Bull – cute and cuddly most of the time, but absolutely ferocious when she or someone she cared about was threatened.

Also, she liked to do it doggy style, but that was neither here nor there.

Goodwitch sighed tiredly. "Right."

Using her semblance, she picked up a nearby pail, broom, putty knife, and jar of spackle, and levitated them all into Coco's hands.

"Normally I'd do this myself using my semblance, but I can't be bothered right now," the deputy headmistress said evenly. "So, the job will fall onto you. Get to work."

Coco looked bewildered. "By myself?"

"Jaune will be there to join you shortly."

Oh, come the fuck on! He was the victim here, how come he was getting blamed for this? That was bullshit… but he wasn't about to argue it, because he was reasonably certain that Goodwitch was actually a praying mantis Faunus, and that she would likely eat his head if he tried to.

Before Coco could argue, Goodwitch waved her off. "Now, go."

"How am I supposed to get onto the ceiling?"

"Good question. You probably should have thought of that before you unloaded a full belt of seven-point-six-two rounds into it."

Coco grumbled something under breath. Goodwitch seemed unamused.

"Now, you'd best get to work. The holes aren't going to patch themselves, after all."

The second-year sighed heavily, but did as she was told, reluctantly turning to give Jaune a quick peck on the cheek before stomping out of the office, slamming the door behind her.

Seeing her go, Jaune frowned. "Well, I think I'd better go join her."

"Not so fast, Mister Arc," Goodwitch said, reluctantly making him pause.

"Yes, Professor?"

To his surprise, she chuckled. Taking her glasses off, she rose from her seat and approached him. "Please, there's no need for formalities between us. Call me Glynda."

He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, okay. What's this about, Glynda?"

"Oh, I think you know."

She crossed her legs, and Jaune had to try very hard not to look underneath that pencil skirt. The flash of black lace told him that he had failed, though. He felt himself involuntarily swallow nervously.

Once more, Glynda chuckled, then rose from her seat and approached him.

"P-Professor?"

"What did I say, Mister Arc?" she said softly. "Call me Glynda."

She got behind him, putting her hands on his shoulders and causing him to tense. A thin grin crossed her face. "My, you are a strong one, aren't you?"

Okay, even he wasn't that blind. He knew what was happening here. It was almost hot… almost because he had a girlfriend already, and if she caught him in this situation, that would be the end of it.

Or so he thought.

Suddenly, the door came flying open. Coco stood there, staring at Professor Goodwitch, her eyes smoldering.

"Get away from my man, you damn Christmas Cake thot!"

What the fuck is Christmas? Is that like Non-Descript Winter Holiday?

Unfortunately, there wasn't much time to process that before Coco launched herself at her teacher with a shout, the two colliding in a big ball of violence. Jaune watched, surprised, as the two of them began to fight. Briefly, he was tempted to pull out his scroll and record the whole thing, but then he remembered that that was exactly the problem in the first place, and wisely decided not to; the less he focused on that, the better.

"I wonder what's on TV?" he said, bored, as the sounds of combat behind him steadily intensified. He wasn't about to get between two thirsty women if he didn't have to.

Unfortunately, that would prove to be his undoing.

"You're breaking up with me?" he asked.

Coco nodded. "Sorry, but you're just too high-maintenance for me."

"Only because you're the one who responsible for it!"

She waved her hand dismissively. "Details."

Jaune sighed, folding his arms. Honestly, he wasn't too mad – it wasn't like they were ending on bad terms or anything, she had simply confessed that she thought they should see other people. To be frank, he kind of agreed – she may have thought he was high-maintenance, but he thought the exact same of her.

Seriously, so many weekends spent clothes shopping…

Anyway, the point was, he wasn't nearly as torn up about this as he should have been. Sure, he'd had some really good times with Coco, but the good times had run out, and it was about time for them to split.

Jaune looked at her, nodding. "Well, okay. Honestly, I kind of feel similar. Nothing against you, but we just kinda… grew apart, I guess."

"You could say that."

He raised an eyebrow, but continued on. "Anyway, I hope we can still be friends."

"Of course, Jaune. You're a great guy, I just don't think we can continue on in a romantic relationship."

Well, that was a load off of his mind. Sighing, he gave her a thin smile. "Alright, then. I guess we're breaking up."

He wasn't sure how he expected Coco to respond, but it certainly wasn't the way she ended up responding.

"Oh, that's a relief," the brunette replied. Turning to the door, she cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, babe! It's done, we can date now!"

To Jaune's surprise, Professor Goodwitch came around the corner. Coco immediately jumped into her arms, the two sharing a very passionate kiss for a second before Coco pulled away, a sultry look on her face.

"What's say we finish what we started in your office the other day, Glyndy?" she purred.

Professor Goodwitch simply narrowed her eyes. "Oh, we'll finish, alright."

And then they were off, racing towards Glynda's office, Coco giggling the whole time. Jaune watched them go, his jaw on the floor. Shaking his head, he sighed.

"What a pisser," he announced. Throwing his hands up in frustration, he said, "Great – you leave your bisexual girlfriend alone for five minutes, and all of a sudden she's hot for teacher. Now where am I supposed to find another cute girl to date?"

As if on cue, there was a knock on his door. Confused, Jaune walked over to it and threw it open, only to be nearly drowned by the small ocean of women on the other side. He laid on the bottom of the pile, confused, before he felt one of them pull him out. To his surprise, it was Yang.

"There he is," she announced. "Alright girls, one at a time, and I'm enforcing boarding house rules – everyone gets firsts before anyone gets seconds!"

Jaune felt a smug grin cross his face. Sure, he had lost his girlfriend to another woman, but this?

This, he could live with.

Also, because I know someone will bring this up: yes, that scene of Blake asking Jaune to sign her thighs was absolutely inspired by the time that one 2B cosplayer asked Yoko Taro to sign her thigh. That man is absolutely living the dream, and I am fucking eternally jelly of him.

Before anyone asks: yes, there actually is some basis to what Coco is saying about the twunk physique. Apparently, a couple of magazines actually put up pictures of different types of men's bodies - so things like skinny, athletic, bodybuilder-esque, etc. The ones that were most popular with women were the guys who were athletic, but who looked naturally athletic - basically imagine a soccer or baseball player instead of a bodybuilder. The bodybuilders were actually very low on the list (except, surprisingly, the old-school bodybuilders, the ones before guys like Arnold came along and completely changed the game. The old-school guys were also very highly ranked). The justification for this was basically the same as what I said in the chapter - they liked guys who were fit and athletic, but who didn't look like they lived in the gym, because that made the guy look too vain. Also, in case you were wondering: yes, the body consistently ranked as the overall most attractive when picked out of a lineup was Brad Pitt's body in Fight Club, even if they didn't know it was actually Brad Pitt... which makes sense, because even without having a ton of mass, he looked aesthetic as hell in that movie.

I have no idea how honest or true all that actually was, but it provided the impetus for this chapter, so I decided to run with it. So I wasn't just pulling all this out of my ass, there is some justification for it.

Now, with that out of the way, I think I ought to address this: a few of you keep expressing interests in certain characters in the review section. I appreciate your interest, but I can't just pull a character out of my ass. The chapter you want will happen when it happens, trust me. What, you really think I'd just leave out someone like Neo, or Glynda, or Winter? Come on, you ought to know me better than that. Trust me, if they're a female character with a large following and a good amount of screen time, I want to do a chapter on them, it's just a matter of inspiration striking. Please be patient with me until then. These things take some time to get right.

Besides that, I've got nothing else. Some of you might know what this chapter's title is referencing, so I don't feel bad about letting you know that the titles of the next two chapters will continue the verse. Knowing that, feel free to try and guess who the characters are. I look forward to seeing everyone's wild predictions.

And yes, I realize this is a really shitty joke, but I don't care. It amuses me so I'm doing it anyway.

Next update: Saturday, July 25.