Disclaimer: Hunter X Hunter dose not belong to me and neither do any of its characters, I am just a fan of the series who likes it enough to spend time writing fanfiction on it so enjoy and such P

Additional Notes: Okay you may want to read this before starting into the story. As you might want to be informed that for this particular series of HxH fanfiction I am writing, Kurapika is a girl. I've done plenty of fics with Kurapika as a guy (and fics where you just don't know what he is) and I wanted to write one with Kurapika as a girl. So if you have a problem with that, don't read simple as that.

This fic also deals with the tender area of Kurapika's past / I know it's not an easy thing to write about and pass off as believable but I will try my best to see if I can make a past for Kurapika that will work and not distort the story too much. I also know that this isn't the first time a fic on Kura-chan's past has been produced, but I still think that it will defiantly hold some kind of originality in it.

Oh yes, I almost forgot, there is a paring in here… sorta I guess. Kurapika X Kuroro

Keep in mind that this is also my first time writing a fic that's not a humor fic YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED with all that said and done (I believe that is everything) enjoy the story

Additional Notes PART 2: Wow, after several years of not working on fanfiction because I was working on getting a novel of mine publish I am back. Unfortunately many complications have arisen in the attempt to get my story published process. (Mainly the length of the story for a novel belonging to a new and unknown author) So I am taking a break from dealing with headaches and releasing it on for all to read, because well, I want people to read it more then anything else really.

Anyway, while going through my writing folder I decided to enter my old fanfics folder and found this story. I really liked the way this story was going and I feel bad to my readers for suddenly stopping work on it like I did. Luckily though I have decided that even though I don't write fanfiction anymore that I want to finish this fic, starting first with editing of the spelling/grammar/past tense present tense errors that the existing chapters already have.

So without further babbling on my part, I present you with 'Can You Remember Tears?'

Hunter X Hunter

Can You Remember Tears?

Hatred… revenge… death… anger… sorrow… loss and betrayal… how long can one live with such things clinging onto them. How long can one hide such things of the past behind them with a smile? And even if one wanted to talk about such things could they ever bring themselves to actually say it? Or would their mouth grow parched and dry at the simple attempt making them unable to speak.

The more one thinks about such things the more lost one will become, until everything else within their lives becomes clouded and nothing is clear anymore, not the past, the present or even the future. All that is and ever will be is the unfortunate emotions one possesses and refuses to let go of.

Nothing else maters because nothing else is there… all that is seen is a thick fog and the emotions of hatred, revenge and hurt, these emotions as clear as day and as red as blood.

Can one who has lived with such emotions and thoughts for so long continue to live without growing insane? If the hatred is etched deep enough into their hearts would they ever be able to let it go? Are they doomed to forever never know the feeling of being able to smile and truly be at peace? Blinded by the illusion that peace will come with revenge these hearts will never know peace, for revenge never calms the heart but instead puts you deeper into pain and hurt.

Even knowing this, that revenge will only make her heart ach more and her loss more tragic, that revenge will only succeed in making the haunting voices from the past louder and more pounding. One still chooses to pursue it, this revenge. Even when knowing well that such actions will only make the pain more intense this figure believes it is the only action they can take, as the revenge she is trying so desperately to grasp is not for her, but for those who have fallen.

Chapter One: The Reminder of That Time

"Wow! It's so cute!" Neon exclaims with much excitement in her voice as the young energetic teenager holds up a dress for all to see, the young girl having just picked it off a store rack from a choice of many others. The outfits soft pink color blending will with her long pink hair. "It'll go great with the lipstick I picked out!"

Her bodyguards where positioned around the store each one looking about as enthusiastic as a block of wood to be shopping with her. Neon of course knew that but pushed the fact aside, after all, there was no reason to let the grumpy mood of her guardians interfere with something she loved doing.

She held the dress up against her body, it seemed as if was a perfect fit, almost as if it were tailored just for her. She turns to the bodyguard nearest to her she asks the question each of them where tired of hearing by now. "What do you think? Do you think I'll look good in this?"

Neon frowns at her bad luck, the bodyguard the happened to be closest to her was the stern faced blonde who rarely very responded to anything she said especially when it came to her shopping for clothing. Of course the blonde probably didn't know much about clothes and fashion judging from what she chose to wear all the time.

After a while of not getting a response Neon asks the question again. "HEY! Look at me! What do you think?"

Neon grumbles bitterly as her guard continued to ignore her, Neon not able to see how someone with such a dull personality had managed to become her father's new and most trusted 'pet?' "Are you even listening to me? Hey!" Neon forcefully takes hold of the blonde's ear yanking on it and quickly getting her attention. "I said 'Are you listening to me?"

Kurapika winces slightly at the sudden pain, the guard instead of getting offended by the gesture reminding herself that she should have known better then to daze off when Neon was around as Neon always seemed to bother her the most when she happened to be deep in thought. Instead of losing her temper and lashing out Kurapika instead takes a tired breath and calmly pushed Neon's hand away from her as she regains her composure. "It's fine." She hadn't been listening at all to what Neon had been saying but it was most obviously over something she had found in the store.

Neon isn't satisfied with this response Kurapika had given to her. "You didn't even look!"

Kurapika takes a second to take a quick glace at the dress to amuse Neon before going back to gazing at nothing. "It's fine."

"You didn't even give yourself the chance to think it over!" Neon clenches her teeth as she turning around in a huff. That person was completely impossible for her to deal with at times. "I want to go somewhere else! The mood in this store isn't to my liking."

Kurapika sighs to herself aware that them having to now carry and pay for all of Neon's things to travel to the next overpriced shop with most likely her doing. Neon usually did this when she was annoyed with the Kurata and would often try to lose her when going to the next place in hopes of being able to enjoy her shopping experience without Kurapika's presence. Although Neon had never managed to lose Kurapika, the guard pretty good when it came to hunting her down, it was still worth trying just incase she did managed to somehow loose her.

Shinritsu walks alongside Kurapika as the group begins their mood, the woman talking to her in her low melodic voice. "Are you alright?"

Kurapika turns towards her companion. "I'm just fine." She didn't really know why she even bothered lying to Shinritsu, as her companion could tell how anyone was feeling even before asking them. If Kurapika had been able to disguise the sound Shinritsu could hear coming from her heart then maybe she might have had a chance at disguising her mood and feelings, but that unfortunately was not the case.

Shinritsu shakes her head at Kurapika's response. It was hard to become close to Kurapika, no mater how well and close of a friend you happened to be Kurapika would never open up, never say a word about how she felt. Even if you could get something personal from Kurapika all she would talk about was her murdered clan and her thirst for revenge, nothing more then that. Not the details of how it happened, not how she managed to survive, and defiantly not a word about the people who where lost. It was a wall that it seemed no one could get through.

Instead Shinritsu changes the topic turning the conversation to Neon. "She's trying her best."

Kurapika looks surprised to hear these words as she looks back at the pink haired girl in front of them. "Trying?"

Shinritsu nods her head also directing her gaze at Neon. "She's still shaken over what happened… and she trying her best not to let it bother her and is pushing forward. It took a while for her to be able to smile comfortably again."

Kurapika closes her eyes as she let Shinritsu's words sink in. Smile comfortably? What did that mean? A smile was a smile wasn't it?

Shinritsu continues knowing the silent pondering of her friend was Kurapika's way of responding to some things. "Her heart, mind and soul can all smile at once Kurapika. There are many people that cannot do that."

Kurapika stops walking as an even deeper frown fills her face, now it was clear that Shinritsu was talking about her, but what she meant by the comment exactly wasn't all that clear. "Are you saying I'm being miserable?"

Kurapika doesn't get a response as Shinritsu continues to follow Neon allowing Kurapika to figure out the answer to that question on her own.

Kurapika sighs as she stops following Neon to the next store for a moment to turn her head towards the sky above her. "Heart, mind and soul at once… only children can smile so carelessly…" She takes her eyes from the sky above her looking back to the others only to find that Neon and the rest of her guardians where gone, the always seeming to move faster when Kurapika happened to be preoccupied with something. Kurapika sighs to herself as she moves forward glad at Neon was at least easy to find.

A cold feeling suddenly fills Kurapika's body. She holds her breath slowly looking around her and carefully taking in her surroundings. Someone was watching her, someone with a heart as dark and cold as a dead raven. She knew this feeling well by now, she had felt it before several times. She narrowed her eyes as they began to burn, Kurapika thankful that the contacts where able to keep anyone from noticing her eyes change from their normal color into a bright crimson.

Where was he? She knew he was here, no one else had such an aura to him that made her eyes burn with such anger. There! She quickly turns around, jumping back and landing within a fighting stance ready to attack at any moment. Standing only a few feet from the spot Kurapika once stood in was the ex-Ryodan leader who had been behind her, watching her.

Kurapika glared spitefully at the black haired figure. What was he doing here? Was he following her?

Kuroro smiles as he answers her questions before she could even ask them. "Relax… I'm not here to fight you. You're only making a fool of yourself in such a public place."

Kurapika frowns bitterly as she let her body relax but at the same time kept her mind as watchful as ever. There was no trusting Kuroro there was always something up his sleeve, always a purpose to the things he did. After all, Kuroro and the rest of the Ryodan had no trouble killing people in crowded areas for all to see she knew that! Kuroro would be just as comfortable attacking her now as he would be in an area where only the two of them where.

Kuroro keeps his smile on his face, he could tell Kurapika hated it when he smiled so carelessly in any situation and did it just to spite her. "We keep running into each other. It's as if the hands of fate want us to see one another."

Kurapika narrows her eyes clenching her fist tighter. It was hard for her to keep any sort of calm attitude around this man. "It's my misfortune." She stares at Kuroro's face unfaltering. "What do you want?"

"Perhaps another serving of tea?"

Kurapika growls angrily at the comment reminded of when Kuroro had describe Kurapika's kidnapping of him as meaningless as drinking a cup of tea. "Get to the point!"

Kuroro turns walking away from her. "There is no real reason. As you said it's to your misfortune we continue to run into one another." He stops for a moment not looking back yet still talking to her. "How long will you continue to live in your solitude?"

The blonde continues to glare angrily at him. In most situations like this it would be smart to just walk away and ignore who ever was speaking to her, but not with him. You couldn't turn you back on him not for a second. "What business is it of yours?"

Kuroro closes his eyes as he continues to walk, she was just as stubborn as ever. Although he thrived in angering her it was not something he should be doing at the moment, after all much like Kurapika did at the moment, he had his own agenda to take care of. "You haven't kept your promise."

Kurapika's mood suddenly changes, her attitude slightly faltering from the comment that seemed to come out of nowhere. "Promise…?" Her heart was still racing wildly in fear but her mind was running circles as she throughout over the simple sentence Kuroro had just said to her. Promise? What Promise? What the hell did he mean? She opens her mouth to speak but instead falls silent. Kuroro was already gone, having slipped away in the spilt seconds Kurapika had taken to try and make sense of what he had said. "Where is he?"

She scans her surroundings once more before reluctantly backing off and returning to Neon and the others. It wasn't normal to just run into your most hated enemy for no reason, there had to be a reason for their meeting she was sure of it.

"Now what are you ignoring me for?"

Kurapika's mind is quickly brought back to the present, Kurapika sighing as she looks back to Neon she haven not meant to start thinking about other things this time and for probably the first time in her life Neon had managed to catch her completely off guard. "It's fine, it's nice…"

Neon makes a sour expression while her other bodyguards stare at Kurapika blankly. Obviously she had said the wrong thing. "Your were ignoring me again!"

Kurapika leans back in her chair holding her head, she had completely forgotten that they had stopped for a bite to eat. Neon had probably asked her to get a refill for her drink or something like that. "I'm listening now… what did you say?"

Neon shifts in her chair and leans onto the table as she stares into Kurapika's face, the action making the blonde a little nervous. What the hell could she want now? Neon curiously asks her question, Kurapika often thinking about something, this something possibly being something of interest. "What is it you're always thinking about anyways?"

Kurapika stares back at her not sure of how she was supposed to answer that question. Thinking about? Revenge, her hatred for the Ryodan, the eyes she was trying so desperately to find. Instead of answering Neon's question Kurapika simply closes her eyes gets out of her chair questioning Neon on what it was she had originally asked of her. "Did you want a refill or something?"

"You changed the topic!" Neon quickly complains not at all pleased with her refusal to answer her. She grabs onto Kurapika's arm forcing her to sit back down. "I bet I know what it is!"

"Do you?" Kurapika sarcastically answers knowing that it was impossible for Neon to really know what she had going through her head.

Neon smiles sitting up straight and crossing her arms in an all-knowing sort of way. "You're thinking about a guy."

"Is that so?"

"Don't act innocent! Why else would you daze off so suddenly?"

"Daze off? You're mistaken."

"You don't have to be so shy about it! Everyone finds someone then like at some time. Even grumpy, dull, untalktive people like yourself."

Kurapika frowns slightly annoyed buy Neon's description of her. "I'm not grumpy. I'm serious…"

Neon smiles as she sits back down into her seat. "Hey, hey! Tell me what he's like okay?"

Kurapika is about to snap a cocky remark but stops. There was no point in harassing her any farther, after all she had a rough time in York Shin. Instead she tilts her head to the side the inamused look still on her face as she tried to think of something that would amuse her. "Let's see… where do I begin? To tell you the truth there really is a boy that's had a great impact on me."

Neon smiles excitedly leaning in closer to her, as if it would help to hear Kurapika's low tone better. "Yes! Yes! Continue!"

"He's really stubborn… and not all that wise, but that doesn't mean he isn't smart. He tends to see things that I and other people don't and I've respected him since I first met him. He talks to animals, understand them too, he likes fishing, is short… wears a green jacket and shorts, is really carefree and happy-"

Neon stops Kurapika from saying anything farther a confused look on her face. "It sounds like you're describing a 12 year old!"

"I am."

"WHAT?"

Kurapika takes a sip of his drink and beings to explain. "What wrong with that? I told you that there was a boy that had a great impact on me. He is a very good friend of mind and his actions leave such a mark on me that they force me to think differently."

Neon frowns not pleased with Kurapika's play of words. "No, no! Tell me about your crush!"

"Oh, well now that you put it that way it makes things much simpler."

"Okay! Who is he? What's he like!"

"I don't have one."

"WHAT?" Neon frowns sitting back in her chair. "You're so mean… getting me all excited for nothing."

Kurapika smiles slightly as she leans back, the conversation with Neon haven reminded her of the old crew. Every now and again she would find herself thinking back to the hunter exams when she had first met Gon, Killua and Leorio. She hadn't had any companions ever since the slaughter of her clan and then without searching or even warning these three had come.

She pauses a solemn look on her face. "Since the slaughter of the Kurata Clan…" That day… so clearly etched within her mind and impossible to forget, ahe had only been absent from the village for a few hours really not that long, and when she finally returned 'they' had already come… and she was the only one left. After burying her entire clan she had made a promise, a promise to return that which was stolen from them, a vow for revenge. Suddenly it hit her. That hadn't been the only promise she had made that day.

The voice of her younger self played in her head, a glimpse of a memory she had almost forgotten. "When I defeat the person who did this, I'll come back to you."

END OF CHAPTER

Well that's it for chapter one, I'll let you decide on how well it turned out / as this is my first time writing an actual serious fanfiction (I usually just do humor) Please tell me what you think of it, I really like reviews Although I must humbly request that you don't flame me for making Kurapika a girl in this fic ( he is a guy in all the other's I've done, I just really wanted to write one as Kurapika as a girl.

I know chapter one didn't go very far, but I didn't want to end up making the chapter too long. Originally I had planed to start out in Kurapika's past, but as I thought it out I didn't want it just to be a story of Kurapika's past, I wanted Kurapika to also remember it, as if it really happened.

I Apologize if anyone acted out of character in this story It's actually been a while since I last watched this series so I hope I still have the characters right, My main concerns being Kurapika as he/she has the biggest part and even one screw up on her personality could spell disaster x.x Neon. I think I made he a little too friendly with her bodyguards. I'm not sure… but I needed Kurapika to talk to someone other then herself, something had to trigger the memory. As for Shinritsu…. I have absolutely no idea how to spell her name properly o if someone could just give me the correct spelling for that I would be a very very happy person.

Chapter Two shouldn't take too long to put up, as I actually started writing it before this one (as I said before it was originally going to be just Kurapika's past) So I hope you're looking forward to it

-Kurapika Suki