AN: nonsense.


"Are you ready for the tenth question?"

The room tensed, save Hinata who had fainted in spite of Naruto's best effort and Naruto who was doodling on the girl's face, decorating her cheeks with whisker-like marks similar to his own.

"Now, there is an additional stipulation for this question," said Ibiki, suddenly looking dark and menacing. His voice turned to a threatening growl and outside, dark clouds amassed out of nowhere while somewhere, a trumpet played three descending notes in a minor tune.

"If you take it and you fail to answer correctly, you will be barred from ever entering a chuunin exam again."

"What?! You can't do that!"

"Damn well, I can! All your villages agreed to this stipulation and-"

Not paying attention at all, Naruto was darkening the tip of Hinata's nose with his pen while humming a nursery rhyme about three little kittens up to mischief. Meanwhile, a tense, heavy silence fell on the room as the various teams left were pondering whether or not they were going to take the question or not.

From one of the pockets of his jacket, the blond boy got a pair of cat-ears and delicately placed them on top of Hinata's head. Someone choked while a distinctly feminine "d'aww" could be heard by all in the room. A vessel pulsed on Ibiki's forehead.

"Uzumaki! Are you taking this remotely seriously?!"

Naruto cringed and retracted his head in his shoulders before he hurriedly shushed the tall man. "Shut it you brute!" The blond whisper-shouted. "As for your question, absolutely not! I'm secure enough in my abilities that I don't need to have it confirmed to me by a rank. I'm only here because my teammates wished for me to be. So now, stay silent or you'll wake up Hinata," he scowled.

Ibiki palmed his face and sighed.

"Look at her, isn't she adorable in this get-up? She is as shy as a kitten. For a ninja, it's not ideal but just imagine her for a second in a maid-cafe! She'd be a killer." Naruto gushed in a low voice.

Ibiki threw his hands up in the air and muttered something as all the assembled male genins got a nosebleed as their imagination was momentarily allowed to run wild.

"Alright, you all pass, just get away from here," groused Ibiki in defeat, seeing as the candidates were too interested in seeing how Naruto would further groom Hinata to be tense about the tenth question.

It was at this point that one window exploded. Carried by two kunai, a package was pinned to the blackboard behind Ibiki and unfurled to reveal a banner.

"The great and sexy, Anko Mitarashi!" Someone exclaimed, to the indifference of all as the genins were too busy watching the fainted Hinata, the chuunin too busy chuckling and Ibiki too busy leaving the room.

"Well, come on, the sexy Mitarashi! No? No one?" The voice asked in disappointment. "Oy, you brats, next proctor here! Maybe you should listen to me if you don't want to be disqualified! Plus, it's rude!"

This got the attention of everyone in the room and they all looked at the newcomer, a purple-haired woman with a spiky ponytail, a dango stick in her mouth and a very provocative attire essentially made of almost see-through mesh cloth covered by a trench-coat and a tight skirt.

The majority of the assembled male genins got their nosebleed going once again at the sight.

"Good, now that I have your attention, let's discuss a few things. You'll meet me tomorrow morning at six in front of grounds forty-four. There, I'll wait for you and provide further instructions. You're dismissed!"

Slowly, the genins got up until the ones left in the room were teams seven and eight. Kiba was trying hard to staunch the blood spilling from his nose. The tall Aburame held up a hand, his fingers separated two and two in a v-sign.

"We are here to retrieve our comrade. We thank you for taking good care of her." The boy said slowly.

"Oy, Shino, I ain't an alien. And don't try to pretend you aren't blushing behind that collar of yours, I can see if from here."

"Dude, the vision of Hinata in a maid-suit, too strong dude," droned Kiba dazedly.

Sakura was eying the blond with a disapproving look. "Hinata isn't a doll, Naruto, leave the girl alone."

"Sakura, don't you think she is cute?"

"Urgh, what is she, your daughter? Cut it out Naruto and let's go," admonished the pink-haired girl. "And leave Hinata with Kiba and Shino," she screamed in exasperation as the blond motioned to carry the fainted Hyuga with him.

"Fine fine, you can keep the girl," groused the blond before his eyes shone with a dangerous kind of fire. "But mark my words!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly with a fist-pump. "Someday, Hinata no maid-chan will be mine!"

"Shut up you nerd, let's move," said Sasuke as he grabbed the blond by the collar and started dragging him out of the room.

The three members of team seven were out of the Academy when Sasuke stopped suddenly, swivelled his head and stared furiously at Naruto. "What the hell was the big idea anyway?!"

Naruto and Sakura both started.

"Hum, Sasuke?" The girl tried, only to be ignored by the fuming Uchiha.

"Hinata is obviously a bunny! A bunny!" The dark-haired boy bellowed at Naruto as if it were, one, a most obvious truth and two as if Naruto had committed a grave offence before turning tail and stomping off.

"What?" The pink-haired girl watched the boy depart before she ran after him. "Wait, Sasuke! Then what am I?"

"You are the cat!" Came the distant voice of Sasuke to a dazed Naruto.

"Sasuke," whispered the blond. "You're a true genius."


The next day, the genin teams still competing in the exams were gathered at the fenced entrance of a forest. To the side, helpers had set up a tent and Anko Mitarashi was standing in front of it.

"Alright maggots! The rules are simple. There are two types of scrolls, white and black. You get one and the goal is to get another of opposing colour. You have five days to do so and it's going to happen here!" Anko pointed a thumb at the forest. "The Forest of Death!" She exclaimed ominously.

"Ooh, sho shcaaawy, pwease, mommy hold me!" Naruto whined, doing a strange, undulating dance with his entire body.

A kunai whistled through the air, sailing straight at Naruto. The knife seemed to phase through the blond and nearly killed the Kusa-kunoichi behind him, impacting her shoulder instead. The girl hissed and a long tongue lashed out of her mouth and around the handle to get the offending piece of metal out.

Naruto looked behind him at the Kusa-kunoichi and scratched the back of his head, offering her an apologetic smile. "I'm really sorry, ma'am, but someone is throwing dangerous stuff around. Surely a child left without supervision."

Another knife sailed at Naruto, twice as fast but the blond tilted his head exactly right to avoid it and it once again nailed the same Kusa-nin, in her other shoulder this time.

The blond swivelled his head around and glared at Anko. "Oy, you lunatic, stop throwing your kunai around if you don't know how to aim them. Fucking no good kunoichi! What's the big idea anyway?"

The woman was too stumped by the fact a genin had avoided two jonin level throws to answer anything.

"Hey! I'm talking to you proctor-san!"

Anko blinked and snarled. "Shut your mouth kiddo if you don't want out! And have some respect for the forest!"

"I totally respect it, it's just nowhere near as scary as you want to make it seems," Naruto dismissed with a wave of his hand.

"Oh yeah? It has giant tigers, blood-sucking leeches, poisonous plants and venomous snakes and spiders, the last the size of your head," Anko enumerated, causing the surrounding genins to go pale. "You sure you'll be fine?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Please, the giant tigers are nice once you get to know them. They just want friends to play with." The boy explained in an obvious tone of voice as if he were teaching someone how to take care of kittens. "Of course, I had to smack them around a bit because they kept trying to do their claws against my trusty rock but other than that, they are pretty nice."

The jaw of the purple-haired, loosened by the blond's matter-of-fact tone was now hanging completely open. Her eyes glazed over for a second before she clicked her mouth shut, blinked, shrugged and decided whatever had been said had never been said.

"As I was saying," coughed Anko. "You have five days to get the scroll of opposite colour and be at the tower at the centre of the forest. With all of your team. Alive. Anything less means you'll be out."

"How are we gonna eat?" Choji asked worriedly.

"There's plenty of food in the forest," answered Anko. She smirked. "Also plenty of predators."

"You mean this dude's pets?" Someone in the crowd asked.

A kunai flew, nailed the impertinent and team six of Ame was eliminated.

"Now, get in the tent to get your scroll and be at the entrance assigned to you. Also, sign the waiver."

"The waiver?" A genin from Oto asked.

"Yeah, so if you die, it isn't Konoha's fault," Anko smiled sadistically.


The shadows cast by the trees were nice and cool compared to the crushing heat radiated by the sun. Team Seven was walking leisurely on a small trail made by the passage of animals.

"So, how do you want to play it?" Naruto asked his two teammates as he folded a shuriken on itself and pressed the piece of mistreated metal in-between his palms to form an almost smooth sphere of metal.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked while observing the forest around him, carefully ignoring the fact his teammate was handling steel as if it were simple clay.

"Well, you two were the one who truly wanted this to fight some other guys so it's more your exam than mine. so I'm asking you how you want to do it. Ambushing, searching loudly, walking around?"

"Hm, if it isn't too much to ask, I'd like to see the tigers," said Sakura a bit shyly. "Apart from that, I really don't mind so Sasuke, you chose the strategy."

"Are you sure you're not being lazy?" The raven-haired boy asked the girl with a suspicious glance.

"No! I'll give you my input but I've no preferred strategy. I think Naruto should keep the scroll but that's it."

"Yeah, that's obvious."

"But that'll make me a target!" The blond protested.

Sasuke shrugged. "If you are in danger then Sakura and I are dead anyway so meh."

"Fine," grumbled the boy, "but I want some ramen."

"You always want ramen," retorted Sakura with a small smile.

"That's true!" Naruto exclaimed with a large smile.

"Alright, let's be serious a second," interrupted Sasuke. "Ambushing other people would make sense but then again if everyone does that we won't get anywhere. I say we take to the trees, at least we'll have the high ground."

"Then?"

"Then we look for other teams and we get their scroll."

"Sasuke."

The tone of Naruto's voice stopped the raven-haired Uchiha cold in his track. The boy swivelled his head and looked at the blond, who was giving him a cold gaze.

"You know what that means, right?"

"Naruto?" Sakura's voice trembled from the intensity of the blond's stare. The boy shifted his eyes from Sasuke to her.

"Sakura, it concerns you too. If we want another team's scroll, it means we'll have to fight. I'll take care of my opponent but you and Sasukeā€¦ You'll possibly have to kill them."

The girl shuddered but nodded firmly. They had been educated for years on how killing was a necessity of ninja life so she knew she'd have to do that at some point. Sasuke shrugged.

"I'm familiar with death."

Naruto sighed. He was strong and he could afford to show mercy but his teammates did not have this kind of luxury. Against an opponent of similar strength, they would have to go all out and this would end in someone dying. And Naruto would make sure it wouldn't be Sasuke or Sakura. "Alright."

Team Seven continued to trail around the forest, this time jumping from one tree to another, their awareness pushed to the max.

Suddenly, two copies of Naruto appeared next to the original. One tackled Sakura downwards, another flew backwards while the true blond lept to the side with Sasuke in his arms.

The branch they should have landed on was torn to shred a second later by a whirlwind of invisible blades.

"That's quite humiliating," grumbled the Uchiha from under Naruto's arm. "Plus, I had it."

Naruto let the boy go but not before sending him a look that said all that he was thinking of Sasuke's boast.

The Uchiha rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, I didn't quite have it but I'm getting better."

"Yup, you are. Well, training sensing abilities when one isn't born a sensor isn't easy."

"I really need to get my Sharingan under control. I could have seen the attack coming."

"Well, you don't have it so there's no use making plans like that."

"Kukuku," a male voice interrupted, laughing creepily. "You don't have the Sharingan Sasuke-kun? How very disappointing."

Both Naruto and Sasuke looked at the girl. Man. Thing? The individual who was standing on a tree branch slightly above them. They looked like the Kusa-kunoichi who had been wounded twice by Anko but there was something wrong with her. It wasn't even physical but the dissociation between the body and the voice was truly creepy.

"Kukuku?" The blond deadpanned. "Really? Do you also want a board where you have "I'm a villain" written on it?"

Sasuke recoiled slightly. "Yeah, and where do you get off being so familiar with me? "Kun", really? So disrespectful."

"True, true, very rude," nodded Naruto sagely.

"Fucking brats, I'll teach you to respect your betters," the individual snarled. "If you don't have the Sharingan, you're useless to me."

"Good!" Sasuke exclaimed. "I didn't want to be useful to you any-"

Naruto jumped away from their branch, Sasuke once more safely under his arm as the individual smashed the tree they were in.

The blond looked at the enemy ninja with narrowed eyes. "Mind telling us exactly why you are after Sasuke's eyes? Who are you even?"

"That would be none of your business, brat. He doesn't have them anyway," the ninja spat before mumbling. "But still, the potential is he-"

He was interrupted by an acorn impacting his forehead. Painfully. The little nut shattered against the bone of his skull and pierced the skin.

"I'm talking to you, you rude son of a bitch," explained Naruto patiently, "and I like answers when I ask questions."

"I'm Orochimaru. And I'm going to kill you first." The man - Orochimaru was supposed to be a man according to Naruto's history lessons - answered before he lunged.

The blond winked at Sasuke, swayed under the branch, sticking to it with chakra and launched the Uchiha away from him as Orochimaru punched down.

Naruto and the branch exploded in a cloud of smoke and wood splinters while the true blond escaped a shunshin next to his aggressor, fist already rocketing towards the traitor's midsection.

"I'm Naruto, a pleasure to meet you."

Orochimaru was sent careening through a tree. And another. And a third. The fourth one stopped the man's momentum completely before it folded on itself. The man fell to the ground, apparently dead. And flabby and flat and fraying like an old piece of bad quality cloth.

In the corner of his eyes, Naruto could see the traitor higher up in the trees, looking winded and slimy and male. The blond scratched his head.

"Do you have a supply of bodies somewhere?"

Orochimaru answered by unhinged his jaw and vomiting a sword from his throat. His tongue wrapped around the handle before the blade was launched at Naruto with blinding speed.

The blond stopped the sword dead in its course to skewer him by pushing his right index finger against the tip. With mild fascination, Naruto looked as his skin was cut. He hadn't been wounded in a while. He smiled.

"You have an interesting tool here." He said as Orochimaru reeled his sword back to him with shock clear for all to see in his eyes.

The yellow, serpentine orbs widened when the boy escaped reality.

The blond phased out of a shunshin almost too fast for the traitor to register and punched. Orochimaru swerved left and right, escaping Naruto's attempt to strike him by a hairbreadth. Slowly, the man's speed seemed to catch up to the blond's and after a minute, the traitor started to counter-attack.

Dancing to a deadly tune, the two struck at each other in a blur of movements, a flurry of steel and incredible acrobatics. Naruto kept intercepting the blade with the flat of his hand, tilting his body just enough to avoid being pierced while answering each attempt on his life by equally deadly punches to vital areas.

The one thing that was out-of-place was the wide smile the boy was sporting. It was getting wider and wider as he and Orochimaru traded blows, as they ducked, swung, jumped, slid, thrust and lunged. It was getting brighter and brighter as the forest around them was destroyed, reduced to splinters, peeled to dust by the strength of their assault and otherworldly sharp winds.

Suddenly, the two fighters broke apart. They had created a clearing in the middle of the forest. Around them, trees were uprooted, reduced to sawdust or even burning. Naruto whistled.

"Pheew, you can hold your own!" The blond exclaimed with enthusiasm. "I didn't know fighting could be this fun. And I was quite serious even!"

"What the hell kind of genin are you?" Orochimaru asked warily in return, although there was an audible ounce of curiosity in his voice.

Naruto scratched the top of his skull. "What do you mean? The kind who has a team, train and goes and mission, why?"

"How did you get so strong?" The traitor asked patiently.

The blond shook his head. "Nuh huh, not telling, it's a secret. The fight was fun but you're still a traitor and I'm a ninja," Naruto sighed. "I guess we'll have to cut it short."

"What?"

The blond rolled his eyes. "Orochimaru, under the law of Konoha you're under arrest. Surrender or be killed immediately."

"I don't think so.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Too bad. Orochimaru, in the name of Konoha, bla bla bla, sentenced to death."

The traitor shunshined fast, faster than he had during the previous engagement. His blade at the ready, he motioned for his sword to pierce the boy's left eye and through it, his brain.

Naruto looked straight at him, following his motions without a problem, and yawned before he retrieved a small ball of steel from a pocket. Dread invaded Orochimaru and he desperately flexed his chakra, opening his mouth wide as the boy calmly placed the pebble between his index and his thumb as if to flick it.

"Adamantine cannonball of great punishment, deadly serious."

The sphere of steel was accelerated from a still position to ten per cent of the speed of light in under one-thousandth of a second. The sound barrier broke with a bang. A streak of melted metal surrounded by plasma and white-hot air pierced Orochimaru through his head, obliterating his brain and spearing the back of his skull before continuing infinitely in the sky, beautiful particles returning to the vast expanse of space.

Naruto watched as the corpse, once again looking weirdly hollow, fell to the ground. The boy closed his eyes for a second but sensed nothing. Orochimaru was gone for now. He shrugged.

He kinda hoped the dude-gal would come back a bit stronger. It had been a good fight. He hadn't know ducking it out with someone who could more or less follow was that exhilarating. Crouching, Naruto took the black scroll that complimented his team's white.

Now they could advance. Though he supposed Sasuke and Sakura would want to fight a little first.

"What the shit Naruto!" The aforementioned girl screamed from her safe space up in a tree.


AN: See? Told ya.