The Hardest Job in Nazarick

Written by: AtheistBasementDragon

Edited by: The Usual Gang of Drunken Perverted Idiots

AN: This was exclusive Discord content until now, part of my Christmas present to all my readers. So enjoy a bit of a laugh. Just a one shot, not planning on continuing it.

...Nazarick...

People think we have it easy. The fools. "Sure, just guard Lord Ainz all day, every day." They say. "What could be easier?" They ask. But every time they do that, I'm over here thinking, 'If you only knew?!' Oh, sure, sure, Lord Ainz is the supreme being who led other supreme beings. He's the most powerful magic caster in every world, and not only that, his physical capabilities put him beyond the impossible reaches of any living being on this world in which we've found ourselves. And... yes, he can become the mightiest of warriors with nothing more than a two word utterance.

In theory, all that should make guarding him into the easiest assignment in the world, as well as one of the highest honors any being of Nazarick could ever ask for. But there's one big problem, one very big problem that we can never get around.

My comrades and I call her, 'The Horny Horned One' or simply 'Horny One'... 'HO' for short. I'm talking of course, about the Guardian Overseer, Lady Albedo.

"Lord Ainz!" Albedo shrieked and dove at him as soon as he came through the [Gate]. Her arms outstretched and open as if to capture him in a loving embrace, lust etched on her face, wings out to let her sail the distance easily.

Right on cue, I barked orders to my fellow Eight Edge Assassins, 'Contain the HO!' and we formed up around Lord Ainz, then jumped and grabbed her by her limbs, to include her wings, and brought her crashing to the ground. Thankfully, Lord Ainz gave us all strength enhancing items to give us the power we'd need to pin her down.

"Is this how you wish to have me, my lord! Pinned down and helpless, yes! Have me this way!" Albedo shouted, and inched her butt up, and used the succubus skill [Control Clothing] to hike her dress up around her waist.

She still bucked and fought as we pinned her, but it was now clearly just for show to try to entice Lord Ainz.

All I could think was, 'I need a shower, I feel... dirty.'

"Three days confinement." Ainz ordered.

And we dragged her away once again, leaving two of our number behind to watch over him, 'just in case'.

We used to play the sacred game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to determine who had to drag the HO off to her room, but after Juri won too many times in a row, well we set a schedule. This was my week.

"Lord Ainz! Lord Ainz! I'll be waiting in bed for you, My Lord!" She was crying out and clawing at the floor to get back to him as the six of us dragged her away.

Being 'dirty' isn't really a problem for an assassin. M, muck, grime, viscera and blood, even the less 'noble' bodily fluids if that's necessary. Under orders, any amount of 'mess' is not only acceptable, it's even a privilege to have such orders to obey. That's all part of the job. This though, it's a whole different story!

I guess I should just be glad she's never truly tried to actually fight us, but... small favors. I know I shouldn't be annoyed at our master, and... I'm not, but more than once we just wished he'd ravish her and be done with it. Then maybe every time he left the tomb for more than a few days, I wouldn't be left feeling dirty.

The things I've seen... you don't come back from that. Since it was my week to drag her to her room, it was also my week to monitor her while he was away, 'just in case'. I'm just glad I'm not that body pillow of hers, pardon me while I shudder... and... I know I shouldn't speak poorly about the Guardian Overseer but... should she really be rubbing 'that' against the arm rest of the Throne of Kings? I mean shouldn't that count as defiling it?

We get by... but mainly thanks to the baths, we rotate into those, but even those aren't always a relief. We've started to take some... preemptive measures, after she and Shalltear accidentally caused the noodle incident with that stupid Mirror of Remote Viewing. Usually we have to undertake those 'preemptive measures' in the bath.

Like just before his last trip, Lord Ainz was going to be away for a bit, and wanted to enjoy a soak, but Lady Albedo had put the mirror of remote viewing in the bath, to get around the decency protocols of the guardian of bath etiquette... we thought we'd be safe.

Then the guardian activated. "You who violate the sanctity of the bath! There is no mercy for you!" The statue shouted and rushed at her, Juri had to get the mirror out of there to prevent its destruction, and me, well I had to drag the HO away. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drag a naked, dripping wet, level one hundred succubus warrior away from where she wants to be?! HARD! Really hard! And since the others were trying to contain the guardian of the baths, well I had to handle her by myself!

I shouldn't have to feel dirty in the goddamn BATHS!

Albedo was all wet and slippery, and I took a kick to the face, she scrambled around to the other side, and well, I had to watch Lord Ainz make a break for it out of the water. She caught him of course and began to pull him against her body, her hands flying everywhere as he struggled to free himself. "Albedo! Get hold of yourself!" He shouted it so desperately, I just had to try even harder, thankfully the guardians were there to help, and between Cocytus, Mare, and Demiurge, we wrangled her up tight and dragged her off of him. Thankfully, Lord Demiurge had some unbreakable rope in his inventory... which now that I think about it, I don't want to know why he had that, he and his woman are... weird. But thankfully he had it, and we tied her up to drag her away.

It was the closest we Eight Edge Assassins ever came to failure. "Lord Ainz! Please Lord Ainz! Just once before you leave us!" Albedo cried out so tearfully and sadly that I honestly felt bad for her.

I still felt dirty, but... bad for her too, is that possible? It must be. But I don't know which of us scrubbed ourselves harder after that, Lord Ainz, or myself.

In retrospect though, that was probably where she got her next idea. Ever seen a woman 'wear' rope before? She must have mistaken his relief for arousal, because after we came back from another trip, she greeted him wearing... I kid you not... rope. She'd wrapped it in 'places, and tied a pathetic excuse for a granny knot at the front. "This is what you want, isn't it, My Lord? Please, untie the knot on your woman, and then let me untie the knots in your 'every' desire..."

At least she didn't leap at him, probably the rope got in the way, pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be used the way she used it but... well it isn't like she asked for 'my' advice. "I'm all tied up... just the way you wanted... or... or do you want me tied down...! Eight Edge Assassins, quickly, bind me down for him!" She'd shouted at us...

And... there it was, I needed another bath.

We're supposed to be killers, assassins, body guards and spies, I mean 'assassin' is literally in our title, but we're really just the perv patrol. I feel for our master, but I still think we have it worse than he does.

Take that time the HO tried to ride her bicorn. Do you know what that crazy succubus did?! When the damn thing wouldn't move because she was 'pure' and Shalltear... (at least we don't have to worry about her... too much) mocked her relentlessly, well the HO stalked Lord Ainz's office! He couldn't even open his damn door unless we first pinned her down outside first. You haven't experienced true horror until you've tried to hold a rampaging succubi's legs together while she tried to spread them and kept screaming 'Please master, make me impure, make me dirty! Make mee diiiiiirty!' please excuse my trembling right now, the memories... they're a little too much.

So far in the last four incidents we've caught her hiding in his bed, in his closet... naked and sniffing his robes... both times, trying to breastfeed a child she was briefly convinced he was adopting... and no... no I can't speak of that incident with the slime bath. I still don't know what she was rambling about with 'something he touched' going there but... I don't want to know either. I just know I could never look at those slimes the same way again.

"Lord Ainz!" The voice echoed from above.

"Albedo Containment protocol!" Ainz shouted.

Oh great, she tried hiding in the ceiling this time. Here we go again, sorry to cut this short, but... such is the life of an Eight Edge Assassin in Nazarick.

It's a tough job, a lot tougher than anyone realizes...

But we get by, one day at a time. We're the perv patrol, and it's what we do. Go getter boys!