A/N: Another Chapter set in the past.

RoseGold25: I have not mentioned yet how she passed, so you haven't missed it!

Chapter 7: Don't Look Back

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The sun still hadn't poked through the window when she opened her eyes, and Balaiya had half a mind to stay snuggled in the blankets until it did decide to show its face.

However, something felt off and she wasn't quite sure what it was.

So she tried to sit up, but was hardly able to move.

"What the?" She mumbled groggily and propped herself up on her elbow to look around.

It was still pretty dark, but not dark enough that she couldn't see her surroundings. The sleep vanished from her eyes.

His head was on her chest. That wasn't the problem though, the problem was that she'd apparently passed out without getting dressed… she could not have that.

Dammit… She tried to wriggle away—without waking him— but that proved harder than she thought because he had an arm around her. The more she moved the more he tightened his grip on her.

The longer it took her to figure out how to free herself the more of the previous nights events started to surface.

She was so embarrassed!

He'd never been so gentle with her before, even thinking back on it made her heart skip. She was so overwhelmed by it all that she nearly cried— did cry. She was more than embarrassed, she was mortified.

She grabbed one of his pillows and tried to coax him on to it instead. Let me go, you idiot… She thought to herself. Suspicion crept up on her, and she brushed his hair out of his face to see if he was actually awake, and just messing with her.

Her heart tightened— he looked so peaceful…

She smiled softly and gently brushed her thumb over his cheek. "You're such a baby…" she started pressing random patterns into his skin and nudged him. "Can you scoot, please?"

A few moments floated by and one of his eyes cracked open. He barely looked at her before he released her and rolled over.

Relief washed through her, but she held her breath to see if he'd move again. Thankfully, he remained asleep.

She carefully slipped out of the covers and gathered up her clothes, then snuck out to the bathroom to take a shower.

It was probably because she was now safe and alone, but she finally fully registered everything— she had to cover her face even though no one could see her.

The previous night!

She should have just gone to bed! But she'd asked for it, much like she had on many other occasions. Never did she expect such a change, why would he treat her so softly?

She thought she was going to melt into him, would have been happy if she had. The worst part? She'd uttered something forbidden, it slipped past her mask more than once in a garbled string of breathless cries. She choked it out like someone gasping desperately for air. Almost as desperately as she'd clung to him.

I love you, oh, goddess…I love you…

She chewed the inside of her cheek, she couldn't even remember how many times she said it. Her only saving grace was that she had spoken in Fódlani… as far as she was aware, he didn't understand much, if not, any of the language…

Finished in the bathroom, she hurried to move the rest of her stuff to his car. It was still very early and she couldn't bring herself to go back up there. When that was all taken care of, she still had time to spare so she went for a jog, hoping to clear her mind. It didn't work.

Her whole trip around the block has proven fruitless and if possible only made her feel more hopeless. 'And I called out to the goddess? I'm not really even religious!' She thought for the hundredth time as she returned to the house. "What should I do… I wish Hilda was here…Oh no, that's a terrible idea, I can't tell her any of this…". The sun was up by now and she decided to set an alarm to remind her to wake him up.

She snatched a pillow off the couch and buried her face in it. If he did understand her, then what would she say? Should she pretend she didn't remember? More importantly, why did she say it? Was that what people talk about, being caught up in the moment? They say confessions like that were not meant to be taken seriously.

That had to be it. She didn't actually feel that way…it was just a reaction influenced by hormones, nothing more. Fretting over nothing wouldn't do her good at all.

Besides, they were friends! She never wanted a relationship. She told him as much. She had no reason to worry… Still,

I'm flattered but I'm here to study. I'm not looking for anything.

Had turned into.

We're just helping each other out…

To,

Can you kiss me?

What the hell had gotten into her? It was far too late to be asking this, she just didn't expect things to get blown so… out of proportion. It wasn't supposed to get messy!

What if she ruined their friendship?

Did they even actually have one?

Was there even a line anymore?

His footsteps in the kitchen told her he was awake, and she hurriedly tossed the pillow to the side. She snatched the remote off the coffee table and turned on the TV in front of her, and tried to look interested in whatever the people on the screen were droning on about.

He walked in the room a few seconds later, and she could just feel his presence radiating behind her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

Should she be casual? Maybe act like she hasn't noticed him?

"Have you eaten yet?" He asked after a moment.

"Huh?" She tensed. He sounded closer than she initially thought. "No, not really. I had some tea this morning." She turned to look at him.

He stood behind the couch with a bowl of assorted fruit, his eyes still heavy, from lack of sleep no doubt. "Do you want some?" He held the bowl closer to her.

"Oh, sure." Smiling, she took a few grapes from his plate.

He walked around the couch and dropped heavily next to her. Causing her to lean towards him. "You already moved your things to the car?" He turned to face her, a frown on his lips. "How long have you been up?"

Her eyes widened when she got a good look at his face. If she didn't know any better, she would have thought someone punched his jaw…

She glanced to the side to avoid eye contact and scooched away. "Uh, I've been up for… a while."

That was all her? She couldn't remember ever doing something like … that before… she didn't like leaving…evidence.

"Why didn't you wake me up then? I told you I'd help."

"I set an alarm to wake you. It just didn't go off yet." She shoved all the grapes in her mouth at once, a failed attempt to distract herself. She hoped he didn't notice she didn't actually answer his question.

Maybe because she was afraid of what he would say if he saw her in such a state?

Could it be because he looked so content in his sleep?

Amusement filled his eyes and he shook his head. "You better be careful, my friend. Wouldn't want you getting hurt."

"I'll be fine." She grumbled and reached for the bowl again.

He held it away from her. "Nuh-uh, I believe I asked you a question, my friend. No more treats for you till you answer~."

Evidently, it seemed he did notice, at least he wasn't treating her differently. Glaring she reached over him anyway.

A bad decision apparently.

He grabbed her wrist and yanked her off balance, sending her crashing into his chest. "Nice try."

She could just hear the smugness in this voice, not to mention feel the words reverberating in his chest. Face on fire, she pushed herself up, her cheeks burned even more when she realized she might as well be sitting on him.

His neck looked worse than his jaw.

A new wave of embarrassment crashed into her and she scrambled off him and stood up. "Why are you playing around Claude? I have to get going soon." She said, voice clipped.

He raised his eyebrows but made no attempt to move. Instead, he remained slouched into the couch, and slowly popped a strawberry in his mouth.

She had planned on going off about something, but whatever that had been was currently going up in smoke the longer he just stared at her.

It made her feel angry. Frustrated!

Confused.

Was he trying to get on her nerves?

She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. "Hello? Are you trying to make me late?"

"It's 9 o'clock, my friend." He yawned dramatically and held a strawberry up to her. "We'll leave by ten, promise."

She looked between the fruit and his stupid face. "What are you doing?" She muttered.

"Providing you with sustenance, oh fairest of ladies~" He waved the strawberry at her and winked.

She did her best to keep the frown on her face but within seconds her face was split into a grin so wide her cheeks hurt. "You're so, ugh—" She rolled her eyes and reached for the damn fruit.

He pulled his hand back with a smirk. "Dashing? Roguishly handsome? Why thank you!"

She groaned. "Claude!" She was so frustrated she could strangle him!

"Yes m'lady ?" He waved the strawberry at her again.

She placed her hands on her hips. "Why are you talking like that?"

"What ever could you mean, fair lady?" Another wave.

"Like you're some stupid knight or something!" She reached for the strawberry again, only to miss.

"Aw, is it so hard to see me as a knight in shining armor?" He pouted. "I think I would make a fine knight." He smirked when she failed again.

"Nope, I think I would be the knight of the two of us." She scowled and moved closer till her knees bumped his. He moved them apart and she leaned into his space.

"Ah, you see, there's a problem here. I'm the only one who knows how to use a weapon."

"A bow and arrow doesn't sound like a reliable close combat weapon, Claude. Besides! A knight could use their fists as a weapon!" She protested.

"Hey! Why do you always take jabs at my skills?"

"Because you always shove them in my face! Just give me some bear claws, watch what happens."

He chuckled and raised a brow. "I quake in fear. Oh, but do tell me more."

"You should." She scoffed. "I think I fit the qualifications of a knight more, actually."

"Oh? Why is that?"

"Knights are honorable." She stated simply, but even as the words left her lips a voice echoed in the back of her head. Mocking her. She was anything but honorable…

He gasped, a hand flying over his heart. "And you think me not?"

"Well… are you not trying to ' come hither' me with a strawberry?" Heat flared into her face when the implications of the way she used the phrase settled. She hadn't meant it like that …

Pink was also invading his cheeks, and despite herself, she smirked.

She did love to tease him.

What she didn't expect was his voice to come out so soft. Yet low, despite the silly conversation.

" Will you?"

Because, of course it would, her heart started hammering in her chest.

She bit her lip and leaned in closer. "Will I, what?" Was she daring him? Giving him an out? Or both?

Bad idea . She screamed internally. Half of her reasoned that this wasn't a big deal, was a conversation really so bad? The other half scolded her as it always did. This wasn't fair to him after all. Especially after last night! She needed to make sure she kept that line between them… or redraw it! Something! Build a new barrier. If she didn't… would she ever be able to secure their friendship?

His voice stayed low, and he dropped any trace of teasing or jest.

"Come hither."

This conversation was ridiculous, stupid. She had to wonder how the hell did it start out anyway? The words themselves were so cliché and overused in all the terrible books she would read in private. Often she would roll her eyes in annoyance! How could anyone think that was even even—

And yet, she couldn't remember ever feeling her knees go so weak so quickly before now.

But it was the way he said it that really got to her, the way he watched her so intensely with darkened, hooded eyes, and lips parted ever so slightly. It made her think about the phrase's implications…

Her palms felt clammy, she didn't know what to do with them. For the first time that she could remember she was afraid to touch him.

So she pressed them on the couch besides his head, and carefully leaned closer. Not so effectively caging him in because the smallest breeze would definitely topple her over.

He stared up at her for an immeasurable amount of time, because everytime she tried to count, she always forgot what number she was on.

Something cool pressed against her lips and she startled internally. Glancing down, she discovered the culprit: the strawberry.

Hesitantly, she parted her lips and slowly took a bite.

The crisp sound it made sent another wave of color to her cheeks. She probably looked just like the strawberry…

She really, really wanted to kiss him… but she shot that down quickly. She'd been too casual about things like that! And she was only now realizing it. Maybe… if she asked him if he wanted to… If he agreed, would that change anything? Would they be any different?

It had been awhile since she asked him if he wanted anything…

And right now, she was sure she'd give him anything…

She took a breath to speak but was interrupted by the other half of the fruit being pushed into her mouth. Maybe it would be better if she died of embarrassment. A drop of the juice trickled past her lips, after she finished, he swiped his finger up the trail and over her lips.

Her heart was strumming loudly in her ears, so loud in fact she wasn't sure if she'd be able to hear anything else.

His finger still sat dangerously against her lips, then he applied the smallest amount of pressure.

That was all that was needed to break the dam she had haphazardly slapped together. Eyes fluttering closed, she parted her lips and eagerly took his finger into her mouth, pressing her tongue against it.

She knew she was selfish, she'd almost made peace with that, but she didn't fully realize just how greedy she was until now. She wanted him to hold her like he did last night. To touch her in the way he did that made her feel wanted, revered, beautiful even…

A spike of jealousy hit her. She wondered just how it would feel if he shared himself with someone he loved . If he could treat her like that, instead of whatever it was that they had between them… what would that be like? Would it be at all like it had been the night before? Was there a difference? Could she deserve something like that?

A blaring sound startled her and she pulled away from him quickly. The wet pop that echoed after her—somehow louder than the phone— taunted her as she fumbled for the stop button. Her ears burned.

The stupid alarm she'd set earlier!

Once it was off, she scrambled away from him and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'll um… wait in the car…" She mumbled breathlessly, eyes downcast. She couldn't look at him now! Not after that! If she could just disappear into the nether that would save her from a whole lot.

She snatched her bag off the floor and scurried off to the car.

Time alone so she could think would be best right now, because apparently she didn't have any self control. Apparently, she had no shame…

She swung the car door open, doing her best to ignore the sweltering heat that slammed her in the face. A car in the summer heat was always bad, but a car sitting out in the Almyran summer sun was so much worse.

Once she was settled, she cranked up the AC in an attempt to make it snow. She pulled down the mirror above her and glared heavily at herself.

"What are you doing Bala? He doesn't even— you're leaving! Idiot!" She covered her face with her hands. 'He'd be glad to be rid of you too!' She thought. ' Just stop forcing yourself on him for one moment!'

She was going to start her new life back home. Her dream job was finally in her grasp, she worked so hard for this. And yet…

She took a deep breath and looked around slowly.

She would miss the sun, the sands, the smell of the ocean in the air. The beautiful colors in the sky. The vivid greenery. The love the people had for the land around them. She was just a visitor, her time had expired

More than any of that, she would miss her friend, whom she cared for so deeply. With whom she could spend an entire afternoon, the whole day even, laying on the ground, staring at the sky. Not even exchanging words, but still having a good time.

Her friend, that loved board games and never gave her the easy way out.

Her friend, who loved to cook and introduced her to so many different new flavors, and smells. She would try anything if it was made by his hand…

Her friend that loved a dated form of combat. But he was brilliant at it! She enjoyed watching his tournaments, and would feel a rush of excitement whenever he won. Not that she would ever tell him that…

Her friend , who only ever sang to himself, but always allowed her to listen. She discovered her favorite songs through the melody of his voice.

Her friend? That had an oud hanging over his bed, not just for looks. She couldn't remember how many times she fell asleep to it's tune…

He made her feel welcomed, wanted, and could wash her woes away with the simple sound of his laugh…

It was time she burst that bubble, it wouldn't do her good to get caught up on her time here. She needed to move on, and in doing so allow him to do so too. She saw the way women looked at him, knew how often they giggled about their chances, possibilities. What he could do. What they would do. Yet for some reason he never took them up on their offers!

"I'm holding him back…" She whispered solemnly and nervously chewed her thumbnail. On the bright side, she'd be gone in a few hours…

Then maybe he'd finally accept the offer from that woman at the coffee shop. Or the one they often saw at the park…or the one that lived down the street.

Another spike of jealousy hit her. She hated the idea, hated knowing she hated it! Perhaps… the real problem was her.

The trunk of the car opened up and she heard some shuffling.

She sat up quickly and cracked open the window. "What are you doing back there?"

"Just putting something in here you forgot."

"Oh…thank you." She called back.

"Mhm." He closed the trunk and got into the driver's side. ""Whoa! It's a blizzard in here, my friend! Have you got any ice cream for me hidden anywhere?"

"Very funny…" She mumbled. "It's not that cold in here."

He made a show of pulling his sleeves over his hands then dug into his pocket. "Here you go." He held out a granola bar.

She sighed and took the bar from him. "Thank you." She looked over him quickly.

He was wearing the black hoodie she bought him after graduation last week, the one with a yellow silhouette of the sun on the back. His hair was damp and swept haphazardly out of his eyes. The fresh smell of his soap hit her next and she shifted closer to the window.

"You took a shower?" She asked, as if it wasn't obvious.

"Yup." He pulled the car out of the driveway and into the street.

She wanted to keep her eyes on the street, or the scenery as it sped by. But she kept finding herself staring at his profile. Something was different about him, and it was nagging at her terribly.

"Claude?"

"Hmm?"

"Where's your braid?" She asked, frowning. It was such a constant trait of his that it felt strange looking at him without it.

"Ah, I was going to re do it once my hair dried out." He glanced over at her and gestured up to his still damp hair. "As you can see, the temperature hasn't helped it much."

Oh, right of course . Because she was trying to turn them both into blocks of ice. But, he'd come prepared with a sweater. As he so often did. That didn't help his hair.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled after a moment.

"Nonsense." He waved her off.

"You know… if you want ice cream, I'm sure you can go with that girl who we keep magically running into at the grocery store." She glared at her reflection in the window. "She always asks you if you're free."

"Ah, which one?"

"You know, the one with the really pretty dark hair…"

"Umm, nope. Doesn't ring a bell."

She rolled her eyes. "Her name is Shirin!"

"Shirin?..." He repeated the name to himself a few times then scoffed. "Ah, you mean the girl who accidently spilled soda on you? Yeah, no."

She turned to face him. "What? No she—" it occurred to her then that she did in fact soil the blouse she was wearing that day with a red drink. But it was an accident! "It was an accident! It was crowded that day… I'm surprised you remember that."

"Well, she shouldn't have been drinking anything in the line anyway." He rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, she's sweet. She's always so nice to you, her parents named her well!"

"Eh, I can argue that for ages, my friend."

"Sure you could."

"I'm so glad you have confidence in me."

She groaned and looked back out the window. Quietly, she murmured "You know I do…"

If he heard, he didn't let on so she refrained from asking anything else for the rest of the ride.

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He kept his hoodie on even when they got to the airport, but she was comfortable enough in her shorts and t-shirt. Thanks to the escort pass he got his hands on, he was able to accompany her all the way to the gate.

"What's the first thing you'll do when you get back?" He asked once she tossed side her third outdated magazine. According to the clock on the wall, she had fifteen minutes until boarding, finally.

"Uhh… probably hug my dad. Then my brother. I miss them." She leaned back on the too hard seat and stared up at the ceiling. The harsh fluorescents glared down at her and she closed her eyes to avoid their scrutiny.

'Would the three of them get along? ' She wondered to herself. Claude was such a personable person, he could get along with a room full of strangers. Then again, her father especially was the opposite of that. He didn't like talking to people much, let alone people he didn't know. Still, she was sure Claude would not have trouble breaking his cold exterior.

Then again , that question would probably remain unanswered forever… She sat up and turned to him. He was tapping out some unknown rhythm on his knee with his fingers as he watched people walk back and forth in front of them.

Claude had brought up the idea of going with her to Fódlan some time ago. But she shot that down quickly. Perhaps too quickly.

After all, his family lived here! Why would he leave them behind? He never said how long he would be either, though she never gave him the chance to consider it.

…

"That's not a good idea Claude. What about your family? You can't abandon them." She frowned at him through the mirror she sat in front of. Just where was he getting such an idea anyway?

He scoffed. "They'll be fine! I'd be disappointed if they couldn't manage without me for a while." He held his palm out to her and she placed a hair tie in the center. He then busied himself with securing one of her braids before starting on another one.

"How long though? And what would you do in Fódlan?" She thought of the letter he received a few days ago and shook her head, well tried to but he stilled her.

"Ah, be still, my friend." He mumbled, eyes focused on his handiwork.

She sighed. "You were given an opportunity here. You can't give that up! What will all of the time spent in school be for then?"

"I know, I know… but, I can learn the language. My skills are transferable, you know." He tied up that braid then reached for the comb in his pocket. "I'm sure I could find something… I wouldn't mind menial labor for a few months…whatever works." he shrugged, "besides, I'd be with you."

She met his eyes in the mirror and frowned. "I'm sorry. I can't let you do that to yourself."

...

She covered her face with her hands. He would be better off without someone like her anyway. Someone wasn't capable of knowing what they wanted… she thought she knew! She got her degree, and now her dream job! But why did she still feel so lost?...

A voice came over the intercom and announced her gate as now boarding.

Robotically, she stood and turned to face him.

He stood as well and faced her with a crooked smile. "Ah, looks like it's that time already."

She nodded slowly and looked up at him. She tried to smile, but she felt too heavy. "So it is… goodbye Claude." She took a deep breath. "It was nice meeting you." She stuck her hand out.

He tilted his head and frowned, his eyes sweeping over her quickly. "Why so morbid, my friend? We'll see each other again."

She frowned and gestured for him to take her hand. "I'm not being morbid. I'm just saying goodbye . Don't be difficult."

He took her hand gently. "Ah, me? Difficult? I think you have me confused with yourself. C'mere." He tugged her forward and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

She yelped in surprise. "What are you—"

"It was nice to meet you too, my friend." He mumbled into her hair and she went silent. He pressed one hand to the back of her head . "See you later sounds so much better, doesn't it?" He tightened his hold. "Call me when you get there, yeah?"

She could have sworn he pressed a kiss to her head, but she knew better than to believe such a thing.

She allowed herself to relax into his embrace, because by the stars did she want this. To stay here with him. To continue to explore whatever this thing was between them. This thing that was surely building up for a long time. This thing that she had been blind to. But that wouldn't be fair, and it was far too late. And she needed to forget whatever she thought was happening, because she had made her choice.

It was the most logical one.

She hoped it was.

She wanted to hug him too… but she was afraid… afraid she wouldn't be able to let go… or that she'd start crying.

Carefully, she slipped her hands to his chest and pushed him back. He released her quickly and stepped further away. Her throat burned something fierce, and it only worsened when she saw the troubled way he looked at her.

He moved to put more distance between them, but she grabbed his hand in hers before he could move too far. She kept her head down, but tightened her grip on his hand. "Thank you for being my friend. I hope you find someone that you—that you can share your happiness with."

"Balaiya… why are you talking like that?" He whispered, his voice sounded too vulnerable to be real. It carved into her chest and left her bleeding.

Her head snapped up to look at him, he hardly ever said her name. When he did, it was never like that . She blinked up at him owlishly, and for a moment she had to wonder if he felt as torn as she did. Or was she just projecting her inner turmoil onto the way his brows furrowed? The subtle way his voice wavered.

"I'm wishing good fortune for you." She mumbled, then forced a laugh. "Is it so wrong for me to wish for you to find someone you can share your life with?" She looked away.

"No, I—No I didn't—"

"Last call!" The intercom announced and she bent to pick up her bag.

She opened her mouth to say something else, but her words died before they even properly formed. There were a thousand things she wanted to say, but she wouldn't know where to start. She had more questions than answers and she had long since missed the opportunity to figure it all out . Instead she bowed her head again and gently placed a kiss to his knuckles.

Much like a knight would ,

but she was far from honorable.

Perhaps she was more akin to a thief. Stealing all she could and running off with her findings.

"Goodbye…" In one motion she dropped his hand and hurried towards the gate.

She kept her head down all the way there, not bothering to even look up in front of her. Not even when she got into the plane, or when she got to her seat, squeezed between two others who could care less for her personal space.

She tried to make it a clean break. Like a bandaid.

Was saying goodbye not clear enough? What should she have done, said?

We shouldn't be friends anymore?

It's not you, it's me?

That felt so childish! And too much like a break up! But they weren't dating, and she didn't feel that way about him. No matter how much her heart hurt…she didn't .

They were just friends, with… without boundaries. Which was a mistake in itself. Again, that was her fault, and she knew that.

She felt prickly and splintered. Like an open wound exposed to the air. And it was all her own doing. She just prayed to whatever, whoever was out there, that he didn't feel the sting.

Shakily, she took out her phone and opened up his contact.

We shouldn't talk anymore…

I meant it when I said goodbye.

I need some time to think…

It's not your fault.

I'm not worth it…

I'm so sorry.

She deleted it all and put her phone on airplane mode. Mostly, because she didn't want to risk receiving any messages—she didn't know what she would say. Maybe she would think of something when she got there…

Only when the plane had finally leveled in the air did she look up and turn her head towards the window.

And all she saw was the sun.