Every year, Gabeclone and I trade Christmas presents in the form of story requests. This year I was busy and couldn't get to his request in time, but I finally did get to it.

Gabe's request was this: "Lincoln is finally let in on the secret of why everyone in his family is so talented. After having his first meat haze, during which he consumed his home room teacher, his father lets him know that the members of the Loud family have the ability to gain the skills of those they eat."

I tried to channel my inner H.P. Lovecraft and found that I just don't have it in me anymore. I used to write stories in his style EFFORTLESSLY but just this pallid facsimile took a lot out of me. I hope you like it, though, Gabe. I referenced a ton of his stories.

Lincoln Loud had always wondered why his sisters were so talented. Lucy had poetry, Lynn sports, Luna music...and they were all good at what they did. He never got it. Like, okay, why does everyone have their own thing and why are they basically the best? Sounded like some cartoon bullshit to him.

Then, one day in May, he ate his homeroom teacher and found out.

Not ate as in "performed cunnilingus" upon. On no. He literally ate her. He didn't know what came over him. He was sitting in class like normal when all of a sudden he started to sweat and cramp. His skull swelled with pressure, his stomach clutched, and every nerve ending in his body flared with pain. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and doubled over, and in moments, he had the most intense craving for raw, dripping meat. It was so bad he could barely contain himself until the end of the day. Staggering across the parking lot, he bumped into Ms. Johnson on her way to her car. She said he didn't look so well and offered him a ride home.

His mouth watered.

Some outside agency seemed to take hold of him. He lied about where he lived and had her drive him to a secluded spot. When they were alone, he attacked her like a small, vicious mammal, clawing her face, biting her neck, the hot, coppery taste of her blood filling his mouth and driving him deeper into his frenzy. She screamed and fought back, but he was too strong, too crazed. When he came back to himself, she was a damp pile of bones and gore.

And for some reason, Lincoln felt...smarter.

And like he wanted a cat, a frozen dinner, and wine.

The news of Ms. Johnson's disappearance was big...even bigger was the discovery of her body in the woods. The police thought she was attacked by a wild animal, but Mom and Dad knew differently. They gathered him and his sisters in the living room. "You went into your first meat haze, huh?" Dad asked.

Lincoln gulped. "Uh...no."

"Yeah, you did, bro," Luna said with a knowing inflection. "You ate your teacher."

"No, I swear!"

"We know what happened, honey," Mom said, "and it's okay. It's natural."

That's when they told him.

The Loud family line started, as far as anyone knows, in the town of Arkham, Massachusetts. In 1918, Claude Loude, a French aristocrat and occultist displaced by the Great War, moved into a reputed witch-house on a shunned and blasted plain outside the village. There, he is supposed to have engaged in dark and blasphemous rites, consorting, some say, with demons, and, still others claim, beings from beyond the rim of time and space. A queer and phantasmal light, its character unspeakable and otherworldly, shone in his front window at night, and passersby were accosted by an atmosphere of dread and terror. Whispered rumors had the Frenchman as a wizard, and some even went so far as to hint that he may have been studying from the Necronomicon of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazard.

In 1925, a fire swept the Loude house. In its rubble were found bones of a hideous and unnatural character, suggesting the presence of creatures hitherto unknown by modern science. Loude was never found, but two weeks later, a man by the name Claud Loud appeared in Royal Woods, Michigan.

Claude, Dad explained, had held court with Old Ones, the beings who populated the earth before the advent of men and who, even now, slept batlike in caves beneath the crust, waiting for their eventual return. He described the Old Ones as tall, humanoid, and bipedal, with leathery skin, wings, and misshapen heads. They were infinitely powerful and bestow upon their human allies all the dark wonders of their ancient race. Claude was given the power to absorb the talent and abilities of anyone whose flesh he consumed.

A trait he passed to his ancestors.

"Why do you think I wanna go to a Mick Swagger concert so bad?" Luna asked. "All I gotta do is nom on him, and hello success!"

Mom brought out a rusted metal lockbox and opened it. Inside was a book bound in human flesh. The Necronomicon. It was Lincoln's duty to read it and understand his nature.

Over the next few weeks, Lincoln learned all the darkest and most awful secrets of the universe. His head buzzed like a transformer box and at night, he and Lucy held black masses in her room. "Cthulhu r'lyeh fhtagn!" they chanted. He and Luna played the cursed music of Erich Zann and he and Lisa dabbled in the art of animation as had the mad scientist Herbert West. Leni showed him fashions inspired by the art of Richard Upton Pickman and Lori inducted him into the world of witchcraft. During one hazy ritual, Lincoln swore a man with coal black skin was with them, his body clad in a ratty cloak. He learned that Lucy was in actuality Harriet Curwen, and that her soul had taken Lucy's body the way her ancestor Joseph had taken his descendant in the 1920s.

Lincoln's meat hazes came and went. He ate three people, including a stranded professional wrestler named Scott Steiner. For a week, he assumed their talents, abilities, and personalities. After his last meal, testosterone pumped through his veins and the urge to eat raw meat, randomly attack his family, and wear a chainmail headdress overtook him. He swggered around the house with no shirt on, kissed his puny biceps, and gave random speeches to his siblings, the pets, and anyone who would listen. "You know where to find me: I'll be flexin' my peaks, pleasin' my freaks... and when they say 'boom-shakalaka!', that's when you know that I'm the Big Booty Daddy! So Big Poppa Linc is your hook-up; holler, if ya hear me!"

Slowly, he became accustomed to his new life as an eldritch abomination and started to plot. There was one person he wanted to eat...one person he wanted to become...and he was going to do it.

On a warm spring day, he and Clyde went to the Royal Woods Convention Center. The vast space was filled with vendors, tables, and people cosplaying as superheroes. There, in a corner, was his target. Clyde, who knew about Lincoln's state, nudged him in the ribs. "You gonna do it, buddy?"

Lincoln grinned. "I am."

They cased the place out for the rest of the afternoon, and at the end of the day, Lincoln followed his mark out the side door and into the parking lot. The man carried a box and looked defeated. His booth didn't get much traffic. Lincoln didn't know why.

When he got to his car, Lincoln called his name, "Ace."

Ace Savvy turned. "I'm not the real Ace Savvy, kid," he said. "Get lost."

Lincoln tucked a napkin into his shirt. "Now, now," he said, "don't be humble. You really are Ace Savvy."

Ace sighed. "You believe in Santa Claus too, kid?"

Lincoln took out a fork and a knife, and Ace blinked. "Hey...what are you doing?"

Lincoln smiled and advanced. "I'm Ace Savvy now."

With that, he fell on the screaming superhero.