The Best Laid Plans

No mistakes this year, thought Harley Quinn, as she hung up the telephone with a pleased expression on her face. She had booked a table for two at the fanciest restaurant in Gotham City well in advance, and had just confirmed the reservation for February 14th, the most romantic day of the year.

The other year she had left it up to the Joker to plan things for Valentine's Day, which had been a mistake, as he had completely forgotten to do anything. Well, he had a lot on his mind, but Harley generally didn't, aside from Mr. J, of course. Not that she had forgiven him for forgetting initially – that wasn't how their relationship worked. There had been a huge fight, and then Harley had run off with Poison Ivy and Catwoman to an island of Amazons, who had then tried to murder Mr. J when he followed her to drag her back and beat her for being disobedient. Which had shown her how much he truly cared.

But hopefully the dramatic violence of their relationship could be replaced by more casual violence this year, which was Harley's preferred form. They'd go out to this restaurant, have a nice, romantic dinner with perhaps an offhand comment on Mr. J's part which Harley could take offense at, which she could then use as a pretext to start a fight with him when they got home, ending the night with some angry sex, and then loving makeup sex the next morning (which would mean she got sex two times, which was well above her average for the month).

It took a lot to plan things like this, to work around all of Mr. J's quirks and foibles, but Harley was used to it, and truthfully, she kinda enjoyed it. She was, despite what most people believed, fairly intelligent, and like most intelligent people, she used her brain to get what she wanted out of life. And since what she wanted out of life was mostly time and affection from Mr. J, she was very familiar with the best ways to get that. Of course Mr. J always made things interesting by throwing different hurdles in her way, hurdles that she enjoyed countering, and hurdles that she often suspected were his own way of indulging her enjoyment of manipulating him. Their relationship was a mutual challenge for both of them, and they both relished challenges. That was why it worked. Well, that and the mind-blowing sex. They just knew how to push each other's buttons, both physically and mentally.

"Well, I'm glad I could use my one phone call to take care of that," said Harley to herself, as the Arkham Asylum guards led her from the reception desk toward the cell block.

"Yeah, it's good that you used that to reserve a table at a restaurant a month from now, rather than, I don't know, call a lawyer," commented Dr. Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, who accompanied her.

"I don't trust lawyers, Joan, except Harvey, of course," said Harley. "And I don't need a lawyer to spring me outta here. I got Mr. J."

"Yes, he's always considerate and dependable," agreed Dr. Leland, in what she hoped wasn't too sarcastic a tone.

"Hey, he hasn't left me behind the past couple times he's escaped, and he definitely won't leave me behind with Valentine's Day right around the corner," said Harley. "What about you, Joan? You got any plans for Valentine's Day this year?"

"It's not a holiday that's ever meant a lot to me," said Dr. Leland, shrugging. "So I think Ray and I will just stay in."

"Yeah, sometimes that's best," agreed Harley, nodding. "No going out or getting dressed - just a marathon sex session. That was me and Mr. J last year when I got that temporary boob job that he really liked, but not as much as he likes my real, authentic boobs, of course."

"Harley, do you ever wonder if you overshare details about your personal life sometimes?" asked Dr. Leland.

"No," said Harley, blankly. "Anyway, you're my shrink. I'm meant to be able to tell you anything."

"That's right – you are," agreed Dr. Leland. "And it's generally good to be honest, but I think sometimes honesty should be toned down so people can still sleep at night."

"That's funny – that's exactly what Red says when I tell her things," commented Harley, as she opened the door to the Rec Room.

"I'm telling you, unrelenting abuse and insults is the way to a woman's heart," Joker was saying to the room at large, but more specifically to the table around which sat Jonathan Crane, Jervis Tetch, and Edward Nygma. "Women appreciate constant criticism so they can learn how they can improve themselves for you. And honesty is always the best policy in any relationship."

"Please don't listen to him – he really doesn't know anything about women," said Two-Face.

"This from the man who's dating Poison Ivy," retorted Joker. "Sure, if you want that kinda psycho, plant-loving woman, don't listen to me."

"I've dated lots of other women besides Ivy," retorted Two-Face. "I was even engaged before her, so I know what I'm talking about. Have you dated anyone besides Harley?"

"Probably," said Joker, shrugging. "But nobody that I can remember."

"And we wanna keep it that way," agreed Harley, as she bounced over and kissed his forehead.

"Hey, pooh, you're back," said Joker. "I thought you might be, since I saw you on the news last night attacking Batsy with Pammie and the babies. I was so proud of them – I told everyone here, 'Those are my boys!' when they were ripping Bats around like a chew toy."

"Yeah, Red was lucky enough to escape in all the confusion, but the babies got taken to the zoo again," sighed Harley. "But we'll bust 'em out when we bust out, before Valentine's Day, right?"

"Sure thing," said Joker, nodding. "Sorry, Harv, looks like you're gonna have to go without your conjugal visit until Pammie gets back here, hopefully in time for Valentine's Day," he added, turning to Two-Face. "But this just confirms what the nerds were saying earlier – there is a lotta crap about Valentine's Day being shoved in your face constantly, which can probably be pretty hurtful if you're a loser like them who's never had a relationship and never will."

"I expressed some dissatisfaction about a television commercial to that effect," agreed Crane. "And so Joker helpfully decided to give us some tips in attracting women, since he clearly knows so much about them," he added, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Well, what works for me might not work for everyone," said Harley.

"Well, some people here are only interested in what works for you," retorted Nygma.

"Shut up, Edward!" hissed Crane.

"I think generalizing as to what women want is very unhelpful," spoke up Tetch. "Women, like men, are individual beings with their own tastes and preferences. The best way to a woman's heart, in my view, is to get to know her and respect her as a person."

"Boy, you can tell you've never had a girlfriend!" chuckled Joker. "Get to know her and respect her, that's a good one! See, this is why you need to control women's minds to make them interested in you – because you totally don't get women!"

"I think as with most things, there are exceptions to every rule, but there is generally a broad consensus as to how women act and what they want," said Nygma. "And I would certainly go to Harvey rather than Joker for advice on how to attract the average woman."

"Well, then you'll have to settle for an average woman," retorted Joker. "Which seems unfair on the woman, really, since you're obviously a below average man."

"You know, you guys shouldn't give up on meeting someone," said Harley. "With the internet now, there are lots of easy ways to meet all kinds of people without even leaving your house, or this asylum. If anything, the fact that you're locked up will definitely make you more attractive to certain types of women."

"Women like you, you mean?" demanded Nygma. "Women who are attracted to the criminal scum of the earth?"

"Wow, harsh and unnecessary," commented Joker.

"You should be so lucky as to date half an attractive, compassionate, intelligent woman as Harley!" snapped Crane, glaring at Nygma.

"No, you should be so lucky," retorted Nygma. "I'm aiming for a little higher than a dumb blonde bimbo who's mindlessly attracted to brutal, base, and savage men. Someone with an ounce of self-respect, for instance."

"Well, no self-respecting woman would ever date you, so I think that's highly unlikely," commented Harley. "But go ahead, Eddie, prove me wrong. Get yourself out there and show us all what kind of women your supposed massive intellect can attract. I mean, I love a man with an ego, but only when it's well deserved, which yours certainly ain't."

"I will prove you wrong!" snapped Nygma, standing up. "I'll show you – I'll show you all! A man as exceptional as me will attract the most exceptional woman, just you wait and see!"

"You know, exceptional is a synonym for freakish," commented Joker, as Nygma stormed off. "So I kinda agree with him."

"I think you two should try online dating too – you're guaranteed to have more success than Eddie on account of you being nice guys and all," said Harley to Crane and Tetch.

"Alas, my heart is pledged to Alice," said Tetch. "It would be wrong to betray her by giving it to someone else."

"Yeah, but this could be a woman who might love you back," said Harley.

"I prefer to suffer for my true love, my dear, than to settle for anything inferior," replied Tetch.

"Aw, I understand," said Harley, beaming. "That's how I feel about Mr. J," she added, kissing him again. "But Johnny, you should really get yourself out there," she said, turning to him. "You haven't pledged your heart to an unattainable woman, so there's really no excuse."

"No, I suppose there isn't," sighed Crane. "Much as I would like there to be. But there just doesn't seem to be any excuse I can reach for to avoid this agony."

"Yeah, but the agony is all part of the fun of a relationship," said Joker, beaming.

"True, puddin'," agreed Harley. "Now can we come up with a plan to bust outta here? You know I don't like leaving the babies alone longer than I have to."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll think of something," sighed Joker. "Geez, you just don't understand the pressure of having a relationship and kids, Johnny. They're always demanding something from you, like clever escape attempts from high security mental hospitals, so you should count yourself lucky you're gonna die alone."

"Noted," said Crane, as Joker and Harley headed back to his cell. "Thank you for that."

"It couldn't hurt to try online dating, you know, Jonathan," said Tetch, as he poured a cup of tea for himself and his friend. "Just meeting other women might be the first step in getting over this infatuation with Harley."

"I've met other women," retorted Crane. "I've met lots of other women, and they just don't compare. Which is probably how you feel about Alice."

"Yes, but I am largely content in my unrequited love, which is more than I can say for you," replied Tetch. "I hate to see you unhappy, and I know you'll be miserable over Valentine's Day as usual. If Edward is confident he can find someone, why can't you?"

"Yeah, you can't be worse than Nygma," agreed Two-Face. "And if he's going for it, so should you."

"I do truly appreciate your concern, but the only woman I want to spend Valentine's Day with is Harley," retorted Crane. "And since that's an impossibility, I would prefer to spend it alone. Thank you," he said, returning to his book and effectively ending the conversation.

Tetch and Two-Face shared a look, and shrugged. "I certainly shouldn't judge another person for their nonsensical ideas," commented Tetch, as he picked up his own book. "And who knows? I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast, after all. And one of those impossible things might well be Jonathan spending Valentine's Day with Harley."

Impossible things were about to come true.