A star in you eyes

"Every time I feel good,

I think it'll last forever. But it doesn't"

There are days I wonder if my mind is an engine or an exhaust. Ingesting chemicals and pumping fumes into it's system, but there's too much in the motor. It's always racing on the fuel, tearing itself to pieces from not being connected to the work for which is was built. Like a rocket trapped on the launchpad, breaking away at the bolts and steel as it tries to race out of control. My mind is the machine and my body is dragged behind, feeling the pain of it's sparks. Watching helpless as it starts to sputter and looks ready to erupt. Which is why, I feed it poison. Letting the venom cool it down to the point that it burns.

So I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit that shit up myself.

The nightclub was a heartbeat on loud speaker, with rainbow lights and the sort of beats that revved up the soul. But I didn't have that intoxicating primal need for others, there was something else I craved. The total permission to feel elation, those couple seconds of nothing. So I push further, clawing away at the bodies that crowd me and the skin that clings to mine. Letting the stranger hold me closer, even if it was to give me a french kiss in the dark, they quickly slipped me the hit that I needed. And when my head went back and inhaled that sweet disease I could do nothing but smile.

Absolute bitter bliss.

Watching the smoke swirl from my tongue, letting me choke. It pulls me in and washes my face in a cloud of luscious vapour. The air starts getting so thin it makes me feel lighter than ever. There was a bright flash of white that made my retinas prick and my pupils grow wider, then I start to wonder. How long has it been since I've felt so awake? My eyes allowed me to see but my mind has been walking blind. The vodka starts to scorch my throat but it's so much easier to swallow. Another bottle and another hit. It goes on repeat, until it collapses time and everything starts blending together. I just watch as the world begins to tilt, so I lean to the side and let my feet fall out from under me. I tumble down the steps and collide into the wall, no one notices how the room turns. But I do, and the loss of gravity weighing on my shoulders makes my grip loosen as I rip into the wallpaper. And I slip down the wall and onto the ceiling. Crawling to try and stand but the earth keeps turning and my head won't stop spinning in circles.

And soon, I find myself standing on the ceiling, watching the people dance from above. Even when my hands reach upwards, I can feel my fingers touch the heads of a couple smoking in the corridor. But the rooms still rotating and all I can do is fall with it, shaking as I slip down the stairs and end up tangled on the floor. Stumbling to my feet, till my cheek is pressed against the kitchen counter, I somehow push off and curl into the pillows of the couch. And all you can do is lay on the sofa, and watch everyone spin as if they were flying. And the more hits you take the more you feel weightless, but yet when you look down, your feet are planted on the carpet while everyone else floats.

And suddenly my mind stops racing along with everything else.

We're all on standstill and my brain is quiet, the world has never been so slow. Then you feel it, your lungs quivering from the lack of air filling them. Your heart beats once and soon u can't feel it ringing in your ears or buzzing in your veins. Your brain is on pause as everything grows dark, My breath starts to slow and evertime I breathe, I breathe out all the oxygen I have. You can only blink from the colours that freckle your cheeks and heat up your temple.

Ain't that pretty. But I can't even think, everything stops. And at that point you never know if you'll come back, I just wish I could stay. Those few seconds of feeling nothing, not even your heart beating, makes me feel more alive than ever. However, dreamers are selfish, and I wish that it could last forever.

The next thing I know, I gasp from giving air again. From giving life again and I start breathing in nowhere slowly. You just have the urge to have the doctors pump you full of oxygen and stab you with an IV. But you can't, your mind is clinging hard onto the fumes in your head and doesn't want to let it go. But all good things come to an end eventually, that's the fucked up part about it. No matter how many times you find yourself in this sweet silent pit, you always get dragged back out.

So when the world starts moving fast and your mind grows too slow again, you can do nothing but panic. The air grows thicker than water, and suddenly you feel like your drowning under an ocean of oxygen. You just want to stop inhaling because your lungs are now swollen and splitting at the seams. And the heat hits you so fast that it catches you on fire, and all you can do is feel the flush on your skin and beg for the cold. You beg to stop breathing again and you beg for your heart to stop screaming in your ears.

Everything moves faster and faster and you want to get off the carousel because it makes you sick. And the bile sticking in your gullet makes your lungs shake harder from the air it's trying to gulp down.

So I leave.

From slamming through the back doors and being brought to my knees as all my wishes, all my thoughts just sink. And I walk down the coldness of the street beyond. The hood on my jacket is flipped up from the wind and the rain has me soaked. But all I do is laugh sadly, I laugh at the euphoria that was whisked away when I came down from the high. So now I tread under the lights in shame. Letting my mind build up again before it was time to go back to my little silent space. Where everything disappeared and where that harsh reality can't find me. My own box, away from noise and the need to breathe.

So my hands are snug in my empty pockets and I tilt my head back. Letting the water turn my cherry pink hair into a dirty salmon. I shake, feeling the drops freckle over my temple and run down the back of my neck. It's cold, but it's soothing and cleanses the rush from my system. I start spinning around and jumping into the puddles that splash under my shoes. Sinking into my socks, but the sogginess doesn't bother me.

I begin dancing in the rain, it made me feel alive so I can't complain. What a rhyme.

Skipping my way down the road I find myself under a lamppost, I watched as the light flickered for a second and got distracted when a car flew past me. Making the puddles turn into waves and wash over my shivering form. After that I sprinted down the street, not even looking as I ran across the road and headed down an alleyway. My feet were loud, the sound bouncing off the walls and it made me rub over my ears, brushing the yellow earplugs that sat in them. Whistling quietly, I brushed my fingers over the grimy walls and inspected the words that were carved into the stone.

I came across a fence on my left.

Turning to it, I squinted and began glaring through the rain as I tried to find my secret spot. Catching sight of the hole at the bottom of the wall, I moved the trash can and bent my knees to slip through. Crawling out, I reached up and grabbed onto the low roof tiles. Pulling myself up with a groan, I dragged my quaking limbs to my bedroom window.

After pushing at the latch to make the small opening wider, I slipped in and onto my bed. Reaching back, I softly shut the window and left it unlocked.

I sat there for a minute, reaching up to take out my earplugs and listen to the quiet that echoed throughout the house. Placing the yellow buds on my desk beside my headboard, I started to shift out of my clothes. Softly placing my shoes onto the wooden floor and throwing my hoodie across the room. But flinched when I remembered I needed to be quiet. I was left in my jeans which were wet from the rain, yet I threw the covers over my shoulders and cuddled into the pillows that surrounded me. It was warm, but the cold from my wet skin began to sink into the mattress. I felt too heavy to care, the energy was flowing out of my nerves and was pulled away from the cold wind of the storm outside.

Golden eyes peaked from under the blankets and watched the rain drip and splatter over the window. Some spat through the gap, hitting the boys nose and making him turn over to face his door.

My eyes dropped in heavy need of sleep. But my mind began buzzing with every thought in the universe, and soon after time went by, they reached a standstill. Mind going blank as I became more aware of the silence, realising that while the world was fast asleep I was up all alone.

And in that moment, you realise how lonely you are.