From The Ashes

One's Own Path

Funny how at one point in time I could hardly get fics over 1000 words and now I've got something pushing 3000. Honestly I'm not in a good mental place to give this thing a full editing looking over. I've been lacking motivation since the end of March and now there's some work bullshit going on and I can't even get away from it because of this freaking quarantine. Anyways, yeah, I may give this a further reading over at a later date but I just had to get it out there. A little darker than anticipated. I was listening to Deep Inside Of You by Third Eye Blind while writing this.

Now.

"Master Junda," the voice of Darth Vader was enough to make even the strongest Force users shake. "Tell me where they are."

It was a situation all too familiar to her, Vader asking her the location of her allies. When he had pressed her on it all those years ago she had eventually broken, given up Trilla and the children. Trilla was turned into a monster. The children were slaughtered. And to her everlasting shame it had all been her fault. It was the cruelest deja vu.

She put on what she hoped was a convincingly defiant look, "You of all people should know I never reached the rank of Master, Skywalker."

"Yes," he said coldly. "And yet still you play at being one now."

"Where are they," he demanded. "We both know you'll break eventually."

"Not this time," she hoped that sounded confident.

"We shall see," he turned to the Purge Trooper next to him. "Kill them all, starting with the Latero."

"Wait," she cried out before the cold constriction of a Force choke sank in.

One Week Ago.

Merrin stood anxiously outside the door to Cere's quarters. She wasn't used to apologizing, years living alone didn't give her much opportunity, but after what happened between her and Cere she felt like they needed to talk things out. She hesitantly knocked on the door. "Come in" sounded from the other side after a few moments. She grabbed the handle of the door, slid it open, and crossed the threshold.

"Merrin," Cere said as soon as she had slid the door closed again. "This is unexpected."

She fidgeted under the older woman's gaze, "I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier."

"No matter what I was feeling I had no right to throw what happened with Trilla in your face like that," she continued. "I was out of line."

"I understand if you don't want me around anymore," she went on. "I've spent too much time alone; I suck at people."

"Merrin," Cere stopped her before she could continue rambling. "Apology accepted, but really you don't have to keep beating yourself up over it."

"You were angry and you lashed out," she continued. "We all do things we regret when we're angry, that doesn't mean you suck at people."

"The important thing to remember is to not let that anger consume you because that can lead to some very dark places," Merrin nodded at this. "You're here now apologizing, that says a lot."

"Now, in the middle of all that out there you said you know I don't trust you," Merrin's cheeks reddened and she cast her eyes downward. "Do you want to tell me more about that?"

"My powers, as you already know I can sense emotions from people and sometimes even their intentions," she explained. "I always sensed hesitation and distrust from you, even after I saved Trilla."

"And the way that despite those misgivings you still sent me on that mission on Nar Shaddaa kind of made me feel like I was being used like a tool, used the way Taron used me," she continued. "But Cal respects you a lot and you and Trilla have your own complicated history so I didn't feel like it was my place to voice these doubts."

"Merrin, look at me," her eyes shot up. "Your powers are special, they may not be how the Force usually manifests itself but they're still a gift."

"And trusting your instincts is always good, especially when those instincts are informed by something as magnificent as that" Cere continued. "But even then you shouldn't let your powers control you."

"Because of what happened to me I don't think it's possible for me to ever completely trust any situation ever again, I'm sitting here right now with the sick feeling that I know this thing we have going right now on the Mantis is all going to come crashing down eventually," she continued. "I need you to believe me when I say those feelings had nothing to do with you personally.

Merrin nodded her head, "And I have my own shit to apologize for so we might as well get that out of the way right now."

"I let my own fears get the better of me and you suffered the brunt of it," she said. "I do still think all three of you should be more careful even when we're not in Imperial territory, but that was no reason for me to talk to you the way I did."

"You survived by yourself on Dathomir for twenty years and you never asked to be my charge," she continued. "You don't need me treating you like a child so I'm sorry if I made you feel like that's how I saw you because it isn't."

"You're one of the strongest people I've ever met," she finished.

"I could say the same about you," Merrin said. "Can I hug you?"

"If that's what you want," Cere didn't look thrilled at the idea despite her words.

"Thank you," Merrin said as she wrapped the older woman into an embrace.

Now.

Cold, so cold. It was all Merrin could think about as she laid in the snow. Dathomir often had nights where the temperatures dropped below freezing and if one found themselves caught unaware without means or ability to make a fire the chances of survival until morning were very low. Merrin had both means and ability right now, her clothing if nothing else could serve as good kindling and there was a patch of forest nearby that almost certainly held all manner of tinder. Ilum wasn't like Dathomir though. This wasn't a place where you could just light a fire and wait for the heat of the desert sun to come in the morning. No, Ilum was just cold, the kind of cold that seeped deep into your bones until long after you had taken a hot shower and were laying in your own bed again. She was supposed to be clearing her mind right now though so she pushed any thoughts of hot showers, an amenity she was still infinitely astonished by, into the background. Ilum was an old planet humming with energy and while the old Jedi temple was the place most people who came here went to seek their purpose it was not the place for her, she needed to be out here.

One Week Ago.

Cal wasn't sure what to expect when Cere called them all to a crew meeting this morning. He assumed it had something to do with what happened during and after the mission on Nar Shaddaa but beyond that he was clueless. He had tried talking to Cere, Trilla, and Merrin after a quick meditation session that day but none of them had been interested. Cere still had that same haunted expression on her face hours later, Merrin wasn't answering her door, and Trilla, well Trilla just wanted sex. Needless to say "We've all earned a little time away from each other" had not been it though.

"Things have been tense around here the last few days," Cere continued as he stared dumbfounded. "And some of our issues aren't ones that can be solved in a day but what's currently boiling over can definitely be simmered down."

"We're going to Tatooine," Cere continued. "Greez and I will be meeting with some contacts there, but the rest of you will continue on your way to Ilum."

"Tatooine alone," Cal finally spoke up. "Are you sure that's wise?"

"It's certainly wiser than returning to Nar Shaddaa so soon," she countered. "And our contacts in the core systems are almost entirely off limits."

"We shouldn't split up," he tried. "Not with Vader himself after us."

"The people we are going to meet are very armed," she said. "And if Vader finds us, well it'll already be too late."

"Merrin needs to go to Ilum to get a better understanding of her connection to the Force and we need to figure out another job since the contact for the last one is a little too dead now," she continued. "And we all need a little time away from each other right now so we're killing two birds with one stone."

There was no arguing, especially given how Trilla and Merrin were reacting though he could tell Greez was about as thrilled with this plan as he was, but Cal had a bad feeling about this.

Now, Tatooine.

"Pathetic," Cere wasn't sure if Vader's proclamation was directed at her or the mass of dead bodies all around the room but she couldn't stop shaking long enough to care.

They were all dead. Greez was dead. Her Mandalorian contact was dead. Everyone in the cantina was dead except her and the Imperials now.

"Now," Vader picked her up by her shirt collar. "Tell me what I want to know."

"Fuck you," she stammered.

"Round up the townspeople," he directed this at the same Purge Trooper as before. "Bring them here and kill them."

"No," she tried but was again cut off by a Force choke.

"The whole town my Lord," the trooper questioned, seemingly ignoring her.

Vader sliced him down like he was swatting a fly.

"I'll raze this town to the ground when this is over," he said. "Who wants to join him?"

The other troopers rushed outside.

Ilum.

Merrin focused on her breathing; in, out, in, out. A chill ran down her spine involuntarily and she fought to ignore it. Cold as it was, this whole experience was actually rather peaceful, just her and the nature that stretched for miles and miles. It reminded her of the nights she had spent staring up at the stars on Dathomir. She had never expected to actually make it to any of them, but they provided a place for her imagination to run wild. Maybe some of her Sisters were still alive out there. Maybe the person that had killed them was being brought to justice. Maybe someone out there was looking for her too. She never let herself go too far with those fantasies, false hope was a dangerous thing. But the act itself, laying out in nature and thinking about life's infinite possibilities, had been comforting. Still, she had come here for a more important purpose and she worked to clear her mind again. She felt the Force all around her, for years she had thought it an energy tied specifically to Dathomir, but now she knew differently.

"Another conflicted soul comes to the land of ancient Jedi seeking answers," a voice suddenly broke through everything and commanded her attention. "Or is it this planet's newer residents that more aptly garner your attention?"

"It matters not," the voice continued. "Jedi, Sith; Light, Dark; Republic, which Republic even, Empire, which Empire even."

"At a certain point it's all just semantics for the politicians and philosophers to argue about ad nauseum," she still couldn't gage where the voice was coming from though it was unmistakably feminine. "And people lie, betray each other at a near constant rate, so what's the point of getting hung up on hard definitions anyways.

"But it's not quite that way for you is it Nightsister," she found herself nodding involuntarily. "You see people's true intentions, the things they manage to hide from the rest of the world."

"It's not a gift the Force bestows often, it's not a gift the Jedi or Sith have ever fully understood or accepted," the voice was closer now, as if right next to her. "But it is a gift Merrin, don't ever forget that."

"Who are you," she found herself asking.

"A reasonable question," suddenly there was a form in front of her; long brown hair, piercing eyes, flowing black robes. "In life I was known as Jaesa Willsaam."

"Jedi Padawan, Sith Apprentice," she continued. "I was both and yet ended up neither."

"The important thing is that you and I have the same gift," this caught Merrin's attention.

"So you're here to offer guidance," that seemed obvious.

"In a sense though I prefer to think of it as advice," Jaesa said. "Guidance implies too much that you actually have to follow what I tell you."

"Which for now is don't let yourself get boxed into false dichotomies like the ones I mentioned before," she continued. "You've already found some true friends, people you trust, and those are hard to come by."

"Lean into them and don't let them go," the figure was fading away. "But everyone else, they all lie in equal measure so don't give them a chance to fool you."

"Always be on your guard," and with that she was gone.

Merrin wasn't sure what to make of the whole interaction if she was being honest with herself. This Jaesa, whoever she was, seemed far more jaded about the world than she wanted to be. Still, her advice did ring true. "Former Jedi are the ones undeserving of trust" had been her exact words to Cere after all. She had a lot to think about. Her most pressing thought right now though was that she was finally going to get out of this cold and into that hot shower. She began her way back towards the Mantis.

Tatooine.

So many bodies. So much death. And still Vader wasn't satisfied.

"Master Junda," Vader's voice hardly registered anymore. "I think it's time we stop playing games with each other."

"You're a monster," she managed to get out.

"We are both what the Jedi made us," he said. "And their deaths are on your hands."

"All you had to do was give up the location of your little band of wannabe revolutionaries and this could have all been avoided," he continued. "You seemed to understand that better last time."

"Last time," she said through gritted teeth. "You still killed everyone who wasn't immediately useful to you."

"Ah I see now," he said. "You've sure picked a strange form of atonement Master Junda."

"All those innocent people died because you can't live with your own decisions," he mocked. "Who will it be the next time you decide to arbitrarily right one of your past wrongs?"

"That Latero trusted you and you offered him up like a lamb to the slaughter," he was relentless. "All to satisfy your own conscience and perverse moral code."

"You really are a Sith," the dam broke and her tears started flowing freely.

"Just kill me," she practically begged.

"And bring them to me, hmm," he pondered. "They would never leave my trail again would they."

"An interesting solution to our current dilemma Master Junda," he said. "I like it."

It was one last act of defiance. At least this way no more innocent people would be dead because of her. Cal, Trilla, and Merrin would all have time to prepare; they wouldn't immediately be on the defensive. Vader was still a tall task even for all three of them, but it was the best of a bad situation. It was the best option now, her only regret was that she couldn't convince him before he killed everyone else. It should have been her instead of Trilla. It should have been her instead of those children. It should have been her instead of Greez. It should have been her instead of those townspeople. At least now it finally was her. The killing blow came swiftly. She felt the embrace of the Force as her life left her body. Would it ultimately be the Light or the Dark that claimed her? Was there even such a clear divide for a person such as her? Either way, it was going to be better than wherever that bastard ended up and she could at least take some peace in that.

"Wipe the village from the map," Vader said to a Purge Trooper. "Leave no evidence that we were here."

"Right away my Lord," the trooper saluted.

Ilum

It had been a pretty normal day so far. Merrin had set out in the early morning to do whatever she was doing to understand her place in the Force better. He and Trilla had trained together and then had sex, which were two things that he was beginning to notice always went together with Trilla. Stew was their dinner and Cal had playfully chastised Trilla when she put her feet on the table. She made a show of picking them up and putting them back down again. All in all it had actually been a pretty good day at least by their standards. Merrin came back from her excursion looking deep in thought but ultimately seemed pleased with whatever she had found out there. It was late at night, while Merrin was taking a shower and he was just preparing for his evening meditations, that he felt it. A disturbance in the Force the like of which he hadn't felt since his Master died. A brief glance at Trilla told him she had felt it too.

Deep down he already had an idea of what they would find there but that didn't stop him from saying, "We need to get to Tatooine now."

"Cal," Trilla looked stuck in place. "You don't think."

"I don't think anything," he was more forceful than he had intended. "Just get us there Trilla."

"Of course," she looked hurt but moved towards the cockpit anyways.

He really really hoped that he was wrong. Deep down he knew he wouldn't be. Cere was dead and it was all his fault.

That was a lot wasn't it. So my writing process for this was really all over the place. I started with the Merrin part of this, that initial scene about the cold was actually the first thing I wrote for this all the way back right after I finished the last chapter. And then this whole thing just sort of sat idle until May 4th. All the Star Wars love convinced me to start looking at writing more of this out. Still I wasn't particularly motivated so I didn't get much further. Then AmikoRoyAi on Twitter, one of the people keeping this fandom afloat in general to be honest, posted some of the most beautiful Caltrilla art I've ever seen and while this fic doesn't have much to do with them I was inspired. And in the middle of writing more of the Merrin stuff I got the idea for the Cere stuff. By the end of that night I had 1500 words. And then I finally got back into playing TOR, which is a great game that you should play if you never have. Like honestly I don't even like MMOs and the RPG elements of that game keep me coming back. Anyways I was playing through my Sith Warrior character trying to actually get to the point of meeting Jaesa for the first time and I did. And that's when I realized her abilities are so much like what I picture Merrin's being. Plus I just love her character, I loved it before I even actually met her in the game myself. So that's where that part of the story came from, well that and my general love for Grey Jedi. By that point it was just adding some finishing touches and here we are. My longest fic ever. I hope you all liked it.