WARNING: I swear a lot IRL, and as this is a quasi-self insert, that will be conveyed here.

FGO Self Insert Short – "Well, I Didn't Vote for You!"

With a jolt I returned to the land of the living, the blaring of the little alarm clock next to my bed doing a fairly rude job of the task. I blinked groggily, running a hand down my face and over my beard, before forcing myself up into a sitting position. With a little more force than was probably necessary, I closed my eyes and slapped the top of the alarm clock, silencing it. As the clock went quiet the lights came up, an ingenious safety feature a certain Renaissance inventor had installed after I'd hit the snooze button and been late to morning briefings one too many times.

"Urgh, DaVinci, you bitch," I groaned, running a hand down my face again.

Slowly, gingerly, I opened my eyes, hissing at the visual assault on my senses as I slowly sat up.

It wasn't bad enough that the lights were programmed to go up to full when I hit the snooze button, but because the room was all white and bland it just seemed that much brighter.

I let my shoulders sag and my head droop, rolling my head around to stretch my neck a few times before resting my hands on the back of my head to give my neck a really good stretch.

"I am never drinking with Drake again," I groaned.

Ever since the damned pirate had been summoned after the Third Singularity, things had gotten a lot more rowdy in Chaldea. Not that I was complaining. It was nice to have the eye candy to drink with. But the hangovers…

Three loud, sharp knocks at the door made me groan and clench my eyes closed behind my hands.

"Senpai? Senpai, are you awake yet?"

"Mash, I swear to Christ I will fucking… ugh…" I grumbled, lurching to my feet.

"Senpai? DaVinci and Doctor Roman wanted us to meet them for the briefing."

"I know, dammit, I'm up!" I growled through the door, pulling on a plain black shirt.

I'd been in Chaldea for nearly six months now. Six long months of grinding and power-levelling, broken up by the occasional Major Singularity to deal with. We'd just finished with London a few days ago, and getting pimp-slapped by Solomon, while not exactly been great for our morale, had reinforced the dire nature of our quest.

"Oh my lord, of all the bullshit to be isekai'd into…" I muttered, grabbing my white jacket off its hook and shuffling towards the door.

I was in Fate Grand Order.

I was in Gacha Hell.

I slapped randomly at the control panel for the room a few times, the automatic door eventually sliding aside to reveal the smiling face of Mashu waiting for me in the hallway in her regular hoodie, the bright lights of my room reflecting off her glasses.

"Good morning, Senpai!" she greeted with a wide smile.

Instantly I felt my poor mood dissipate in the face of that adorable little smile and the slight head-quirk that accompanied it.

"Oh, Mash, you're better than a cup of coffee," I sighed.

The Demi-Servant just giggled, holding up one of the many identical Chaldea mugs for me, already full of steaming, fresh coffee.

"Ah, I don't deserve you. Never change, Mash," I said, taking my first sip of the nourishing, bitter liquid. "Well, let's go find out what's got the Doc's panties in a bunch today, shall we?"

In the end, nothing pressing had been on the agenda today. Chaldea was a lot like the army; a lot of "hurry up and wait". Meaning that today was even more grinding, followed by lunch, followed by, you guessed it, more grinding.

I let out a long sigh, shoulders drooping as Mash and I walked through the uniform white hallways. A few technicians offered me a curious glance, but kept walking past us. Even if I was 'Humanity's Last Master', I was one of the plebs that had been picked up to fill gaps in the roster. Meaning that the technicians, all mages, wanted nothing to do with me. Which suited my introvert self just fine.

Now, if I could just figure out how to get some of the more extroverted Servants to leave me the fuck alone in my off time, I'd be laughing.

I rolled out my neck again, before clapping my hands and putting a little more spring in my step.

"Wellp, let's get the daily summoning done, shall we?" I said over my shoulder.

"Yes, Senpai!" Mash replied excitedly. "I think Doctor Roman said something about finally saving enough Quartz Fragments for a full summon."

"Oh, good, no more freebie ten roll," I muttered, rolling my eyes.

"We can do that after our daily summoning," Mash continued with her usual sunny smile, ignoring my muttering.

Why this human embodiment of an excitable puppy was still following me around, I had no idea. I wasn't the most personable of people at the best of times. Yet still, she stuck to me like a bad smell, and after a while I'd grown quite grateful for her tenacity. If for no other reason than she greeted me every morning with a fresh cup of coffee.

"Okay, let's get this over and done with," I yawned as we approached the summoning chamber. "It's Saber Ember Farming Day, and I don't want to leave Altera alone with Beowulf in case they decide to start fighting again. Well… okay, in case he decides to start fighting again, and she gets sucked into it, and Drake starts taking bets again…"

"Senpai, you're rambling again."

"I know, I'm still tired."

We stepped into the dimly lit room, and on autopilot I moved to the summoning apparatus thingy. Roman had given it a more complex name during my orientation, but I hadn't been listening by this point. All I'd retained was 'hit the button and watch the magic'. Mash moved up behind me, arms cradling the glimmering form of the Quartz Fragments we had collected over the last few weeks. Barely paying attention, I slapped the 'Initialize' button on the console, and watched the machine spin up to full. True to form, it spat out a bunch of low-level Craft Essences and duplicate Heroic Spirits I had already summoned in the past, which were instantly broken down into the blue, gemlike Quantum Pieces. On cue, a number of Chaldea's automated helper robots moved in to clear the summoning circle and deposit the results into their right places.

"Well, that was a bust," I muttered. "Wasn't really expecting much, though. Got those Fragments, Mash?"

"Clink-clink… wah!" the purple haired girl jumped. "I-I-I wasn't playing with the Fragments again! Not at all!"

I just grinned at her, and a blush slowly spread over Mash's cheeks.

"If you would be so kind, my adorable little eggplant," I chuckled, turning back to the console.

"I really wish you wouldn't call me that," Mash muttered as she placed the Fragments into the receptacle next to the console.

It was basically a giant-ass funnel that fed the Quartz Fragments and Saint Quartz to the Summoning Circle. Again, I hadn't been listening to the particulars during my induction. I just waited for the light on the console to go green and hit the button.

I yawned again as the Summoning cycled up, closing my eyes and throwing my head back. Jeez, I never did get enough sleep when Drake cornered me…

"S-Senpai! Senpai, look!"

Mash's startled shout froze me mid-yawn, and I quickly turned my face back mid-yawn. A familiar golden glow was flying about the chamber, the apparatus shaking violently as an SSR Servant was drawn in.

"Holy shit, how long's it been now?" I asked.

"At least a month, Senpai! Look!" Mash said excitedly. "Another Saber Servant!"

I nodded, stepping out to meet our new recruit. Even through the haze of fatigue I felt, I still managed to conjure up a little giddiness. It was always a big deal when a four or five star was summoned, which meant Emiya would probably go all out for dinner tonight!

Not to say it hadn't been a big deal when a lower-ranked Servant had been summoned, but it had been a very long time since we'd seen a new one, two or three star Servant.

The circle eventually cycled down, the familiar haze of mana particles dissipating in the air being waved aside as I strode up to the circle.

A knight in full silver plate stood in the center of the circle, a horned helm concealing their face, a longsword almost as long as I was tall gripped resting point down in both of their hands. The helm split, folding back with a mind of its own and disappearing beneath tall pauldrons to reveal a soft, feminine face that I was already intimately familiar with.

"I am Saber, name's Mordred. Is my father here?"

Oh, hello again, little miss Daddy Issues Given Human Form, I thought to myself, stopping just outside the circle.

Mash sidled up behind me, glancing over my shoulder and using my larger body as a human shield. Mordred fairly radiated battle lust, and judging from the indifferent gaze she was looking around with, we weren't exactly making a great first impression.

Time to change that, I thought with a grin.

"Mordred, mah man, how ya doin?" I said, stepping forward and extending a hand. "Good to see you again, although you probably don't remember us."

Mordred's gaze snapped back to me, a frown marring her pretty features. As another Saber-Face, she really did look just like her 'father'. And Jeanne. And Nero. And Okita. And the rest.

"You dare address the rightful king of Britain thus?" she growled menacingly.

"C'mon, bro, don't be like that," I chuckled, sweat beginning to trail down my back. "Hey, I have a fun idea, let's skip orientation and go right to killing shit."

"B-but Senpai! We have to follow Doctor Roman's procedure for welcoming-" Mash started.

"Roman's procedure bored me to tears," I waved her off. "And our new friend looks like she's itching for a fight. So how about it, Mordred? Feel like flexing a little?"

The grin that Mordred gave me in response to my question was a fairly obvious answer.

"Whoo! Yeah! We kicked ass today!" I cheered, pounding my empty beer mug on the table.

A chorus of agreements of varying levels of enthusiasm answered me. I'm pretty sure Altera's deadpan cheer was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

Next to me, in the seat of honor reserved for the mission's MVP, Mordred drained her own mug of beer with a satisfied sigh.

"Cold ale! I can't believe it tastes better cold! I didn't think it could get better!" she marveled.

On my other side Mash nursed her own glass of beer, mostly just to be sociable. Across from me, Altera, Beowulf and Drake all sat, rounding out the team we had taken on the Ember Farming hunt today. Drake was already downing her third mug, with another four full ones in front of her, while Beowulf watched on with barely disguised excitement. Sitting a little away from them, Altera sipped a glass of plain water. I swore one day she'd get just as blind rotten drunk as the rest of us.

Chaldea's cafeteria was just as faux-futuristic as the rest of the instillation, all white walls and long tables to eat at. As soon as I'd summoned him, though, Emiya had taken over the kitchen, much to everyone's approval, so at least the food wasn't bad. It had only gotten better when I'd added Tamamo-no-Mae to the roster, too, the fox-deity more than happy to 'prove her wife potential' by helping in the kitchen. Then Tamamo Cat had come along to join them, and while things seemed to happen faster now, there was a level of chaos in the kitchen that saw Roman receiving more and more complaints from the staff now.

The space was full of the other Heroic Spirits and surviving staff, no one paying much mind to our antics. It was a tradition, that the day's party would eat together after a mission. A little way away, sitting with his fellow Irish Heroes Cu and Scathach, Fergus watched on with a glum expression; I'd had to swap the big guy out for Mordred, and now he was missing out on the victory celebration. To be fair, though, Emiya was cooking up a storm for his 'old friend's' son's arrival, so no one was really missing out tonight.

Except Kintoki, who still wouldn't go anywhere near Shuten, meaning he wouldn't be caught dead in the same cafeteria as the deceptively loli-appearing oni.

Whatever, just meant more beer for us.

Mordred drained her mug, thumping it down on the tabletop the way I had and leaning back with a contented sigh. She'd ditched the armor after we'd ray-shifted back to Chaldea, which I took as a good sign she was warming to us now. She was sitting in her strappy red under-armor outfit, basically a boob-tube and a loincloth, but if anything the aura she projected had only become even more dangerous.

"So, what did you think of your first day?" I asked conversationally.

Mordred's grin was all teeth, the Saber leaning forward and resting one elbow on the table as she reached for another mug of beer.

"I hope you provide me with more worthy foes than the spirits we fought today," she said.

"Well, tomorrow's an off day, but maybe on Monday we can hit up one of the old Singularities for a little farming," I nodded. "That ought'a give you the workout you're looking for."

Drake let out a long sigh, resting her chin in her palm as she leaned against the table.

"At least you got to skip Roman's orientation," the pirate lamented. "I was worried I was going to fall asleep while I was following him."

"Try doing it ever single time we get a new recruit," I deadpanned.

Beowulf let out a loud laugh, slapping me on the back across the table.

"Knowing one's own territory is just as essential to victory as knowing the enemy's!" the Berserker declared.

"Yes, thank you, Sun Tzu," I said, rolling my eyes.

"The orientation isn't… that bad," Mash defended weakly.

"Mash, sweetie, the frontline troops don't need to know how Chaldea's heating system works," I sighed.

"Ugh, yeah, I think I'll skip that," Mordred said.

"I'll show you to your room after dinner," I offered. "Then we can do a quick tour of the important stuff in the morning. Baths, training area, cafeterias, all that stuff. Sound good?"

Mordred nodded and grinned again, upending her second mug and draining the last of it.

"Couldn't you have given us the abridged version?" Drake asked plaintively.

"I wasn't as adept at circumventing all the Doc's wacky rules when you joined up," I shrugged. "Sorry, Drake, but at least we know that in the event of a blackout you know exactly where all three generator stations are."

The others at the table, with the exception of the ever-taciturn Altera, burst out laughing at that, Drake scowling as she went for another beer.

"I hate you," the pirate grumbled behind her mug.

"I'm sure you do," I smirked, putting my mostly-empty mug down and craning my neck to look towards the kitchens. "What's taking Emiya so damn long tonight? I'm hungry!"

"Indeed!" Mordred practically cheered. "A victory feast needs food! Bring forth the… the…"

She trailed off, face slack and eyes wide as she gaped at the entrance to the cafeteria where…

"Oh shit…" I muttered, reaching for my beer again.

… Arturia was making her entrance with a few of the other servants. She was chatting with Jeanne and Marie, the diminutive king stopping dead in her tracks as she spotted Mordred at my table.

The two stared at each other across the room for a few moments, Jeanne and Marie fluttering around the blonde king wondering what was wrong, before Arturia frowned and pointedly turned her head away, gracefully stomping over to the other side of the room.

"Ooh, ouch," Drake muttered.

Beowulf frowned, but didn't otherwise comment. Altera continued to stare down at her cup as if nothing were amiss. Mash looked confused, but wisely kept silent.

Mordred glowered, looking down at the table and clenching her fists. The celebratory mood was gone now at the table. Fortunately, the rest of the cafeteria continued on as if nothing were amiss, only our own little table and a few of the more perceptive servants around the cafeteria.

"So, uh…" I started.

Mordred pushed back her chair, rising to her feet and storming out of the room in a huff.

"Well, shit," I sighed. "Should'a seen that one coming."

"I'm very lost," Beowulf admitted.

"Arturia is Mordred's father," Mash supplied.

"They clearly have issues," Drake commented.

"Well, why don't they just fight it out?" Beowulf asked. "That'd solve everything."

"Yeah, didn't work so well for them last time," I said, leaning back in my chair.

"Well then," Drake said with a small grin. "What is our fearless leader going to do about it?"

All eyes at the table turned to me, and I quirked a brow at the sudden attention.

"Well, I'm not doing shit 'til I've eaten," I shrugged. "I'm fuckin' hungry. Then… I'll think of something."

I found Mordred nearly two hours later in the observation room. It was a large, empty space with a few long benches and the outer wall made entirely of thick, bullet-proof glass. It was rarely well-lit, most of the ambient lighting coming from the perpetual snow-storm outside.

Mordred was standing before the big window with her arms crossed, back in her cold silver armor.

"So this is where you were hiding," I said, approaching.

Mordred turned to glare over her shoulder at me for a second, before going back to watching the snow.

"I brought you some dinner," I went on, placing it down on one of the benches. "Even cold, Emiya's cooking is amazing."

She didn't react, just staring out the window.

"Come on, I'll show you where your room is," I said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Mordred shrugged me off, turning a tired-looking glare at me.

"Hey, don't touch me. Want me to bust your teeth in?" she said.

Of course, she didn't sound like she meant it. She sounded washed-out, like her heart wasn't in it. I quirked a brow, bringing my hand back up and yanking on her short blonde ponytail.

"Agh!" Mordred yelped. "Don't pull my hair! What are you, a kid!?"

"Oh, come on," I snickered, slapping her on the back. "Big scary Heroic Spirit like you, that couldn't possibly have hurt."

"What is your problem!?" Mordred snarled, rounding on me.

She brought her fist up, ready to knock me through those unbreakable windows, but just growled and lowered it again when I didn't outwardly react.

Inwardly, of course, I was screaming. But outwardly, I played it cool.

"I didn't like seeing you so dispirited," I shrugged. "You were so full of energy all day, this just felt wrong."

"What the hell would you know," she muttered, turning back to the window.

"Well, I know that the food's good, and I also know where your room is," I said. "I also know a great way to blow off steam in these situations."

"Oh?" Mordred scoffed.

"Yup," I nodded. "It involves whiskey, and a little thing that your people invented a few hundred years after your time called 'death metal'."

Mordred just raised her eyebrows at me, and I grinned in response.

"Trust me, you'll love it," I promised.

True to my prediction Mordred had, in fact, loved it.

And honestly, it was nice to have someone else around who appreciated my taste in music. Most of the other servants were somewhat ambivalent towards it, if not outwardly hating 'such vulgar noise'. Beowulf was really the only other one besides myself that was into it, and even then I think he just liked the audible aggression in some of what I listened to. Jalter… I think she liked it? It was kind of hard to tell with little miss 'all-tsun-hold-the-dere' pants.

Unfortunately, though, things hadn't gotten any better with Mordred and her father in proceeding days.

"Damn it is weird thinking of Arturia that way…" I muttered to myself.

"Sorry, what was that?" my reading partner asked.

"Hm? Oh, nothing, just talking to myself," I said quickly.

Across from me, Medusa gave a little hum, quirking her perfect eyebrows for a moment before going back to her book.

I was seated in one of the small reading alcoves in Chaldea's Library, reclining in the corner of the comfortable sofa. Across from me Medusa perched like a queen, my usual literary partner in crime busy chewing through whatever book had piqued her interest that day while I did my research.

And by research I, of course, meant reading history texts.

I swear to god if I had to read The Odyssey one more goddamned time…

I glanced up from my dry, boring textbook about medieval France, sneaking a glance at my reading partner. Medusa sat, leaning back and holding her small book with both hands as she read through the special glasses that DaVinci had whipped up to seal her mystic eyes. Like many of the other Heroic Spirits she chose to wear more casual, modern clothes when we weren't on a mission, and today she wore a plain black turtle neck and blue jeans. So, basically, her Hollow Ataraxia outfit.

I'd hesitate to call Medusa a friend the way I did with Drake and Beowulf, but we were fairly well acquainted due to the facts that we both spent a considerable amount of time in the library, and that she had been one of the first servants I'd summoned and grailed to the level cap.

It was nice to have the company on the long hours I spent in here reading, brushing up on history and mythology. While I'd hesitate to call her my friend, I'd definitely rate Medusa as one of the servants I was happiest to have around.

"You're staring again," Medusa said without looking up.

"Hm? Oh, sorry, lost in thought," I sighed, running a hand down my face…

… and totally forgetting I was wearing my glasses, the movement knocking them to the floor in a small clatter.

I flinched, waiting for the usual explosion of ire from Hans that accompanied any tiny sound in the library since he'd taken up residence in here, but the stumpy little grouch was apparently absent today. Medusa gave that man-killing little 'fu-fu-fu' giggle she did as I bent to retrieve the glasses, sighing again.

"You seem distracted today," she commented.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked.

"That was the third time you've knocked your glasses off," she pointed out, grinning playfully. "You haven't been this distracted since that time I wore my servant's attire in here."

"Okay, point, but in my defense, have you seen your legs?" I pointed out blandly.

I smirked as Rider- Medusa, fuck it was still hard not to think of her as just 'Rider'- chuckled again. With slow, deliberate movements of her long, lithe fingers she placed the little paper bookmark between the pages of her book, gently setting it aside and leaning forward.

"What's on your mind?" she asked.

"Curious?" I asked, sighing and leaning back with a pensive expression. "Mordred and Arturia. It's the first time we've had a conflict like… like this, between servants in Chaldea. Hell, even Jeanne and Gilles get along decently, even if the creepy bastard spends all his time in his room."

Medusa nodded, a strand of long lavender hair escaping only to be brushed back behind her ear.

"I don't know what to do," I admitted, holding my palms up. "I feel like everyone's waiting for me to fix this so we can all at least work together, and I can't figure out how, short of sitting both parties down to air their grievances. And I don't think Chaldea offers life insurance for stupidity of that magnitude."

I let out a breath, running a hand back over the top of my head.

"And now I'm rambling," I said. "Sorry."

"It is quite the problem," Medusa agreed with a small nod. "But, in the end, it is a family affair. I do not think it is anyone else's place to interfere."

"I'll remember that when I summon your sisters," I deadpanned.

Medusa chuckled again.

"Perhaps a less intrusive method would be best?" she suggested.

"If you have any ideas, I'm all ears," I sighed.

"It seems to me that much of Mordred's anger is from the fact that Saber- I mean, Arturia, couldn't live up to her child's perfect ideal as a king," Medusa pointed out.

"It is so nice to know I'm not the only one that still thinks of the Fuyuki Seven as their class instead of their name," I chuckled.

Medusa chuckled, waving me off. "Perhaps you could do something to make Mordred see Arturia as less of an ideal and more as a person?"

"Hm. That's a pretty damn good idea, Doctor Medusa," I said, stroking my beard in thought. "You been hitting the psychology section in here lately or what?"

The servant actually blushed a little, smiling guiltily.

"I cannot read trashy novels all the time," she admitted quietly.

"Hey, I'm not complaining," I said, sitting up suddenly. "And I think you've given me the perfect idea."

"Oh? That was fast," Medusa said, blinking owlishly behind her glasses.

I flashed her a big grin, nodding.

"Yup," I said. "And let's just say that you don't want to miss movie night this week."

Movie night had quickly become one of the more popular social events in Chaldea. Many of the servants had become enamored with the idea of moving pictures, and to stop the archive of films being chewed through at the alarming pace they had been, we had been forced to institute a weekly showing of one or two films. Servants and staff could, of course, still borrow films from the archive in the library, or just stream them directly to the terminals in their rooms, but there was something alluring about movie night that many of them seemed to enjoy.

Not me, I hated the cinema and all the bullshit that came with it. But, I'm not a people person. Being in charge, though, meant I did still have to occasionally make an appearance at these kinds of events.

Sometimes it was great. Sometimes it ended with me running a forum, trying to explain the way the special effects in the original Star Wars movies worked. You could never tell.

Although trying to explain to Nero that the Matrix was not, in fact, real, while Tamamo sat there and reminded her of the Moon Cell, had been kind of a trip.

I stood up in front of the big projection screen in Chaldea's auditorium, clearing my throat with a little grin on my face.

"Ladies! Gentlemen! And whatever the fuck Mephistopheles is!"

"Hey!" came an indignant shout from somewhere in the back.

"Tonight we have a very special treat for you all," I continued over a smattering of laughter. "A true comedic classic, all the way from the sunny isles of Britain!"

Less laughter this time, mostly from the European servants who understood just how far from 'sunny' the dreary United Kingdom could be.

"We, the staff of Chaldea, present… Monty Python and the Holy Grail!" I finally finished.

There was a swell of applause and cheering, mostly from the staff in attendance. A few of the servants joined in, mostly just to be a part of the festivities or to be polite. A few, like Emiya and 'Zhuge Liang' who were from the modern era, looked at me with varying degrees of horror.

I couldn't hide my grin from them.

It had been an unspoken rule that we were sticking to science fiction and modern stories, to try and avoid upsetting or insulting any of the proud, surprisingly touchy servants that had been summoned.

And tonight I was shitting all over that rule.

I sauntered on back to my seat in the front row between Medusa and Mordred as the lights dimmed. Mordred looked suspicious, yet curious. Medusa looked like she was trying to decide if I was a genius, or an idiot. Beside Medusa Mash was giving me a pale-faced look that said she was clearly leaning more towards the idiot side of the argument.

"This… isn't exactly what I had in mind," Medusa said, leaning back in her seat. "But it could work."

I sighed, sinking down into my own seat and offering her a grin.

"Even if it doesn't, I still love this movie," I said.

"Senpai, are you sure…" Mash started.

Mordred leaned forward, cutting her off with an excited expression.

"Hey, hey!" she said, practically bouncing in her seat. "Is this a play about my father's quest for the Grail?"

"Yup," I nodded as the titles started to play. "But it's a greatly exaggerated, funny version. Don't take it too seriously, okay?"

"You said it was a comedy! I loved the comedies that the playwrights would perform!" Mordred cheered, slapping me on the back.

Kintoki leaned forward from the row behind us, resting his arms on the back of my chair as he grinned through his ever-present sunglasses.

"So that means we can ask you to explain if we get lost?" he asked.

"Better ask Arturia," I grinned. "After all… this movie's about her."

The sometimes-berserker-sometimes-rider leaned back with a small confused furrow in his brow, but I ignored him. Beside me it looked like Mordred was about to bounce out of her seat, she was so excited as the titles started to lag…

… and lag…

… and lag…

Those who have seen the movie know exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you uninitiated, there's a good four minutes of titles at the start of the film that were put there as a joke.

After bout two minutes there was some discontented muttering. After about three minutes, there was a mixture of laughter and booing, popcorn being thrown by some of the more rambunctious members of the crowd.

Then the titles changed, the colors started flashing and with a burst of surprised laughter the auditorium turned into a rave.

Mordred was laughing and clapping along with almost child-like glee until the title gag finally finished. She held her breath as the film proper started, the distant beating of 'hooves' drawing ever closer until…

Another round of laughter rippled through the auditorium as Graham Chapman and Terry Gilliam crested that first hill, looking like a right couple of morons. And it was just as funny now as it had been back when I was twelve.

Beside me, Mordred's face had frozen. She obviously found this as amusing as the others, but she seemed locked with indecision. It wasn't until about halfway through the 'where did you find coconuts in England?' conversation that I finally leaned over to her.

"I told you not to take this too seriously," I chuckled.

Mordred finally closed her mouth, nodding and grinning up at the screen.

The next day, dinner in the cafeteria was an… interesting affair.

We'd gone through all the usual daily grinding and training, and today I was choosing to have dinner with Mash, because she was a good girl and deserved to be spoiled (no matter what those yandere nutcases Tamamo or Kiyohime thought). A pair of empty bowls sat between us, Emiya having allowed us to eat early at my own request. Mordred was a few tables over, eating with Beowulf and Drake as the three of them laughed uproariously while quoting the movie from last night. In fact, I'd heard quotes from the film all day. Hell, I was pretty sure I'd heard Caesar reciting it in one of the lounges as I'd passed by.

Oh, sure, Arturia had gotten a little huffy, and I'd been getting the stink eye from Jeanne and Marie all day… and I'd been desperately avoiding Gawain and Lancelot like they were plague-ridden… but, uh, it had been worth it?

"Do you know what Emiya's serving for everyone else's dinner tonight?" Mash asked conversationally, drawing my attention back to my 'assistant'.

"Yup," I grinned. "And it cost me a buttload of favors to get him to make it, too."

Mash frowned, shifting a little in her seat as she glared at me over the rims of her glasses.

"Senpai… when you grin like that, it makes me think you're up to no good," she said.

"Oh, Mash, sweetie, I'm always up to no good," I said sweetly.

Mash growled a little, the sound more akin to a kitten purring than anything threatening, but before she could try to wheedle my master plan out of me, the lady of the hour made her entrance.

Arturia, her bearing regal and her head held high, strode into the cafeteria with her usual accompaniment of Jeanne and Marie. However, this time Lancelot and Gawain trailed after her, shooting dirty glares at the entire room. Clearly, they, too, had been put off by my choice of film.

My eyes met with the crystalline aquamarine gaze of the 'Once and Future King' and her brow furrowed as she glared a little, but she didn't so much as frown at Mordred. Which meant my plan was already working.

There was some hushed muttering and giggles as Arturia took her usual seat, but she ignored it with all the grace and dignity of a true monarch.

I reached under the table for my secret weapon, clasping it in my hand and grinning apologetically at Mash. She just sighed and shook her head, no doubt resigning herself to eating dessert alone.

Emiya, Tamamo and Tamamo Cat all made their appearance, then, along with the usual bevy of kitchen workers that had been here since before the servants had taken over custody of the kitchen, all carrying long trays of food for tonight's dinner.

Emiya gave Saber a small, apologetic grin of his own as he sat down the tray for her table, several steaming bowls of stew on it with accompanying side dishes.

"That smells delicious, Emiya," Arturia said with a gentle smile.

"I thought I'd try some western food today," he explained, ever the chef. "We have hand-made sourdough bread, accompanied by a light salad and… rabbit stew as the main."

Arturia's face instantly fell into a frown as a ripple of snickers flowed through the cafeteria. It was like being back in high school all over again.

I saw Emiya mouth the words 'he made me' to Arturia, and her eyes narrowed in understanding before she turned back to me.

Fortunately, I was already on my feet. I wound up and let loose, my 'secret weapon' flying through the air before anyone could even react.

With a soft thump a fluffy white rabbit plush landed square in the middle of Arturia's table, the Heroic Spirits seated at it blinking in confusion for a few seconds. Except Emiya, who took a big step back.

"Run away!" Drake screamed.

And the cafeteria erupted into chaos.

People didn't even try to disguise their laughter as a number of servants and staff leapt to their feet and dashed from the room. Arturia just stared at the stuffed bunny with red cheeks as Jeanne patted her back and Marie struggled to stifle her giggles. Lancelot and Gawain were up, too, but it looked like Gawain was about to burst a blood vessel, and Lancelot had clearly hit his 'berserker-button'. That was about all I saw as I was enveloped in the small, merry stampede of people who were as committed to the joke as I was, and as we ran from the two pissed off Knights of the Round Table, Mordred fell in at my shoulder. The young saber was laughing just as much as I was, and as the crowd began to taper off as the others scattered we eventually found ourselves alone in the observation room again.

I continued to laugh, even as I panted, Mordred chuckling as she slapped my back.

"You know, as a Knight of the Round I should kill you for that insult to my King,"

"Hey, I heard you laughing," I shot back.

"Ah, I haven't laughed like that in years!" she said, stretching her arms wide and taking a few steps away.

I grinned as I sank onto one of the benches in the room, watching Mordred smile as she paced a circle around the room.

She stopped after one full circuit, turning her little lopsided grin back on me.

"But Gawain and Lancelot will kill you, though," she said.

I shrugged, holding up my hand where the three red Command Seals glowed.

"That's what these are for," I laughed.

Author's Note: I don't usually do stuff like commissions, but when my good buddy XcelltasticX asks for a FGO story, he gets a FGO story. Also, kinda funny that I write this juuuuuuuuust after I stopped playing FGO IRL. I love the Fate series, just not Grand Order. Also, I'm old enough to remember when she was localized as 'Arturia', not 'Artoria' or... *shudder* 'Altria'. Ugh.

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