Chapter 1 - Helen

"Yes. Yes, ok. I understand. I will consider it." I promise, my fingers tugging gently at the ends of the strand of my hair that skims my collarbone. My eyes downcast, away from the screen, from his face. Fingers impatiently tapping at the AirPod bud resting in my right ear. A measure to prevent the noise of my conversation from waking the slumbering baby in my presence.

"Please do, Helen. This could be a good thing for you. For both of us really. Another chance."

Twisting my lips to push forth the few words I can muster, I finally just close my eyes, a simple aversion of them no longer enough, and will forth a stuttered admittance, "I know...it's just that-"

"Think of yourself for once. You're Dr. Helen, one of the most famous oncologists in the world. You're wasting that at New Amsterdam. It's not like it was when you were the head of the department at least. Or even when you were using your talent to educate and speak to the masses on television." A deep sigh impedes his words. The blow of his consternation so strong that I can hear it rising from his diaphragm in what I can only imagine in a conjuring of moments from our history together, is a confused frustration, evident in the angling of his thick eyebrows. I open my eyes, almost afraid of the censure I might find in his handsome face, instead, as Akash removes his black framed glasses, then rubs those long elegant fingers over his lips, I can only see sadness in the glassiness of his inky black eyes. "Tell me please, my love, what do you have to stay for?"

That's a good question. Its honesty wilts me, my shoulders sagging under the weight of it and the knitted blanket gifted to me by a patient that drapes over my arms. A gift of thanks as we battled through the wilderness of her sickness to find remission. Its cozy warmth does not shield me from the cold bucket of truth in his final few words. What is left for me? The question pings around in my head as silence swallows this Facetime call with Akash, stills my tongue from forming an answer, and probably proves his point.

Restless, agitated at not being able to respond I allow my feet to carry me away from the floor to ceiling windows in the front room, where my gaze wanders from the screen of my phone again, and instead to criss cross the twinkling lights of the New York skyline, then behind me to the portable crib that rests in the corner of my bedroom, and watch the rhythmic up and down of her tiny body's breaths. Smiling, my brain considers her for a moment. And then even, momentary as it was, a flash of his boyish grin seems to have apparated on the window in front of me, and my hand with a mind of its own reaches for him. The cool of the glass meeting my palm, but the warmth of what I always see in Max, brilliant kindness, sheer goodness of the man, heats my core. The unintended sexiness at the half tilt of his lips, cloistered by the chestnut beard, and then I flush internally, goosebumps flashing my skin with the memory of the thick cluster of hair and how it tickled my cheek as he bid me goodbye earlier tonight. As he left for his date.

My hand falls back to my side. My smile dipping into a commensurate frown. I walk back to my bedroom, balancing on the edge of the bed facing Luna.

Frustrated by my own body betraying me, I shake my head, willing away any romantic thought of Max. The very idea now seeming idiotic. Instead I supplant consideration of him, with more maternal instincts that lead me to focus on Luna, who continues her slumber, unaware of the storm rioting inside of me that might lead me away from her.

Luna. My possible something, or someone to stay for. But... she's not mine. He's not mine. Not my reason to stay.

My thoughts stray, languishing in the quiet breaths that are all that remains of this unexpected call from my ex. The man who I loved, but maybe not enough. Not the way he deserved, I realize as I recall our time together, those memories fleeting. They are shelved away with all of the beautiful things I desire, imbued with the powdery sand like quality of things I cannot grasp. I cannot have. Solid things. Things that matter. Unlike Akash, whose voice brings me back to the almost corporeal firmness of his previous existence in my life. The something that can once again be mine. Maybe?

Our eyes lock as I lift my phone back to my face. His voice beckoning me to focus on him as he fixes his stare on me, and whispers in that deeply seductive accent of his, "I'm here, Helen. And, I won't lie, I still love you."

A ripple of something, perhaps the ghost of what once was between us, permeates itself in this moment again, pushing me to consider his declaration. Akash is always so straightforward and elegant, precise. To the point. It is one of the things that made me fall for him in the first place. Bloom said he was pushy. I disagreed. He saw what he wanted. He went after it. Who wouldn't appreciate that? Who wouldn't find it appealing to be wanted with such certainty? Isn't that exactly what Max has done with his pursuit of a new relationship. A new something outside of the waning bonds of his widower status, and into something else. Am I not the one who posed the question to him about deserving a new friend? Something new, just for him and Luna?

Discomfort. Disquiet. They crawl against my skin. Ruffle the curves and ridges of a brain that is used to quick thinking and logic. Instead introducing doubt. Stalling formation of the response that I know is best for me. And yet...

Just as a response forms on my lips, my front door opens. I glance over my shoulder to welcome his entrance, and my eyes land on his tall form. Long striding from the front door, his large feet gliding against the wood floors, confidently delivering him to his destination at my side as though he belongs here. His body filling up my space. His scent stealing me away from this time with Akash. Max swallows me up wholly as if my very being was meant for him. Welcomes him in a way that never seemed to quite happen with anyone else. His soulful, round eyes are brimming with delighted excitement as soon as they bounce from my face to Luna's.

With the length of one arm he bends and scoops up Luna, cooing and kissing her, his affection for the girl we both love so apparent. And then, with the same ease, he turns my way, bending again, and drops the sweetest kiss. Simply the lightest brush of his lips on the corner of my lips. The placement possibly unintentional as I meant to turn towards him to offer a smile, and instead, somehow, sinfully perhaps, partially delivered my mouth to him. And in return, Max innocently, probably not knowing about the fire he's built inside of me, presses just enough for the feathery whiskers of his beard to graze my skin, as he dashes away towards the kitchen, Luna safely in his strong arms.

Heat blusters and building in my core as I fight to keep my gaze away from what I'm sure is Akash's knowing stare. And it's in that moment, as my eyelids drop to somewhat shield me from the glare of the honesty that I know my brain is struggling with, that I accept the truth. Why it would not permit a sure 'yes' to pass from my lips to Akash's ears. I cannot join him in London, to work as the medical director for a new cancer center he is opening in the city of my birth. I cannot go to him. The man who offers me the comfort of his affection. The surety of a life filled with amicable pleasantries. Because my reason to stay, is in my kitchen right now.

Just as soon as that truth hits me, Akash clears his throat loudly, my attention once again his. Quickly though, Max returns from the kitchen with Luna and relaxes across my bed with her, laying her down with a bottle. At that moment, the largesse of my epiphany comes full circle, and not only do I realize that I'm in love with him, but I remember that the whole reason he and Luna are here right now is that he was on a date with another woman, and I want to cry. I deserve it. The release of a secreted emotion that has tortured me for some time now.

But no. Before I can stop myself, succumb to flimsy whims of something that is clearly one sided, my heart lurches for self-preservation and pushes into the world the words to save me from certain heartbreak. "Ok, Akash. I accept."

His face opens, dark features rising in a delighted way I have not seen in quite some time. Surprised he replies, his voice rising in a way that catches Max's attention as he turns his head my way. "What? You do?"

"I- I do." I stutter, catching fully the lift of Max's left eyebrow as soon as the words hit the air.

"This is wonderful, Helen! You will see. It's time for us to make a life for ourselves. This is just the beginning, my love."

Turning my body fully away from Max and Luna, a sad smile ghosts my lips, never quite reaching my eyes, as I quietly agree with Akash. "Yes. I hope so."

"I will call you tomorrow after I have more of the details sorted. Perhaps that will give you some time to discuss things? I'm sure it will be difficult."

With a short shake of my head I deny his assertion, "Probably not as difficult as you think. I will speak to you tomorrow. Goodnight, Akash." I answer, then click the 'End' button on my phone, his handsome face disappearing. I allow the device to drop from my hand with a thud to the bed, then gently remove my earphones, placing them next to my phone. Sucking in a deep breath I wonder momentarily who will speak first. Break the silence that engulfs us as the questions we are both dying to ask dance across our lips, chomping at the bit.

Something stubborn in me won't allow me to ask him about his date, and perhaps it is the same for Max, as I'm sure his desire to always know what's going on, is pushing him to inquire about my call with Akash.

Settling into the discomfort of the moment, its stillness is finally interrupted by both of our phones going off at the same time, alerting us to an emergency at the hospital. Literally saved by the bell, both of us move, our bodies on autopilot, the innate doctor in us responding to the urgent call for help.

Our personal questions left unanswered, hanging around our necks like an emotional albatross, we head to the hospital.