For the Ones You Lost

For as long as he has been at the Cloud Recesses, Lan Sizhui has loved the lantern festival. His favorite moment each year was when he and Hanguang-Jun set off a single lantern together, away from others. Lan Wangji always said their solitary lantern was in memory of Lan Sizhui's family, and Lan Sizhui loved his lost family very much. Knowing Wei Wuxian only makes him love lantern festivals, and his family, even more.

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For the 2/29/20 weekly prompt of "Lanterns" from my Cheng Qing Ling and MDZS discord. Beta'd by neolith.

If you like my writing style, check out my other fics and look me up on goodreads (Jessica M. Dawn) for more.

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For as long as Lan Sizhui could remember, he had always loved lantern festivals.

Even in Cloud Recesses, where one had to follow over three thousands rules – no shouting, no running, no talking during meals, and others like that – the lantern festival was a magical occasion. The disciples worked together to decorate and put together dozens of paper lanterns, then light and lift them into the air together. The lanterns were meant to be for holding wishes, or for prayers to the departed. Many of their teachers insisted the lanterns were their way of keeping the Lan ancestors alive in their memories.

Lan Sizhui liked the food and games and dances that were performed down in Caiyi Town, and the fact that the disciples were allowed to go participate every afternoon after classes were over. Not that there was anything wrong with the food in Cloud Recesses – Lan Sizhui loved it, really he did – but he always hurried down to town to buy spicy food as soon as they were all released for the day.

The Lantern Festival was also the only week of the entire year when Lan disciples were allowed to stay up past curfew. Instead they all gathered outside together – usually in the same clearing they launched their lanterns from, but sometimes near one of the waterfalls – to have a moon viewing party. Different disciples would take turns reciting poetry they had written about nature, or playing a song they had composed, and everyone would drink way too much tea and eat too many sweets. Lan Sizhui had never composed a poem or a song for the event, but he always felt connected and warm listening to everyone else's work.

For the first three years of his time at the Cloud Recesses, Sizhui accompanied Lan Xichen to decorate lanterns, eat food, and watch the moon. Then Lan Wangji came out of seclusion and took over as Lan Sizhui's official caretaker. That year marked the beginning of a new Lantern Festival tradition for Lan Sizhui. One which quickly became his favorite.

The night after the moon viewing party, just before nine o'clock, Lan Wangji brought Lan Sizhui outside the jingshi.

"Are we having another moon party, Hanguang-Jun?" Lan Sizhui asked, looking up at his father-figure in confusion. At that age, Lan Wangji had seemed as tall as a mountain and just as refined.

Lan Wangji shook his head. From beside the unlit lantern by the porch, he picked up a paper lantern and brought it over. It had musical notes painted on the side in a beautiful, if shaky, hand.

"Will Sizhui…light this lantern with me?" he asked.

Maybe it was Lan Sizhui's childish mind playing tricks, but Lan Wangji actually seemed nervous – as if he would be rejected.

Beaming, Lan Sizhui bounced in place. "Yes yes yes!" he cheered, reaching out with grasping hands for the lantern.

Together, they lit and placed the candle inside the lantern, then held it up while the heat inside grew enough for liftoff. Lan Sizhui stared at the musical notation, tilting his head this way and that.

"What does it sound like?" he asked.

Of course Hanguang-Jun knew what he meant. "It is Inquiry," he said, staring at the notations on his side of the lantern as well. "A song to communicate with spirits."

Lan Sizhui gasped and looked up at his caretaker. "Spirits? Which spirits?" He asked this in a rush and far too loud, but Lan Wangji did not seem to mind.

For a few long moments, Lan Wangji watched the flickering of the candlelight through the paper lantern wall. Then, "For the ones you lost."

For the ones Lan Sizhui had lost. That would be his parents, and any other family he had before he came to the Cloud Recesses. His parents who died in the Battle at Nightless City.

Lan Sizhui lowered his eyes to the notation on the lantern. Whispering now, he asked, "What does the song say?"

"I will not forget you." He pointed to the side facing him, then reached around to point at the side facing Lan Sizhui. "Are you well?"

They stood in silence for a few moments as Lan Sizhui thought about those words. He hoped his parents were well, wherever they were. He hoped they were not suffering or sad. He closed his eyes and prayed as hard as he could. Be happy. Be happy. Don't be sad.

After they released the lantern, they stood in the garden to watch it climb higher and higher, out of sight. Lan Wangji even placed a hand on his head and ran his fingers through his hair in a comforting gesture.

"Will we get an answer, Hanguang-Jun?"

Lan Wangji lowered his eyes from the sky and cast his gaze into the jingshi, toward the table where his guqin lay. Something about his eyes seemed sad, but his voice was even when he said, "I hope so."

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Since that night, every year Lan Wangji and Lan Sizhui would light one extra lantern. They always launched it alone, in the peace of the garden outside the jingshi. Though Lan Wangji did not tell him it was a secret, Lan Sizhui never told anyone about their lantern. It felt special, and only theirs.

It was a time to think about where he came from, and he wanted to cherish it.

Sometimes, Lan Sizhui would stare at the pictures Lan Wangji had drawn on that year's lantern and something – the shadow of a memory – would come to him. He always told Lan Wangji about it afterward.

"I think we had a garden. I get the feeling I liked playing in the dirt while they planted."

"I think one of my parents wore red. Perhaps a hair ribbon or a sash? It was beautiful."

"I think I had a lot of family at one time. A lot of aunts and uncles, maybe? I don't think I was ever lonely."

"I think my father laughed a lot. I think I was often sad and he made me smile. I remember he had a nice smile."

Lan Wangji only sometimes responded to his musings. He would hum or say "Maybe" or "Likely." Each time, though, his eyes would look a little sad. He would glance at the sky or the guqin or look to the gate like someone might walk through it, and frown. Once or twice, he had stared at Sizhui as if Sizhui had experienced the most terrible loss and Lan Wangji did not know how to fill the space left behind.

But they would also smile together. After the first few years, Lan Wangji began to let Sizhui help him decorate the lantern. Lan Wangji always painted the Inquiry questions, but Lan Sizhui was given full artistic control of the other sides of the lantern. The pictures got better as he got older and his skills improved, but no matter how bad the art, Lan Wangji always smiled at him.

The year that Sizhui mentioned his father's laugh, the expression on Lan Wangji's face had been so undeniably fond – fonder than even when he looked after his rabbits or Sizhui played him a song on the guqin.

It was possible that Lan Wangji had been friends with his parents.

Perhaps the lantern they made and launched together was not just a way for Lan Sizhui to remember his parents and his missing childhood. Perhaps it was a way for Lan Wangji to remember a friend. He never shared any memories of this friend, but Lan Sizhui knew they must have been very special to him. After all, what Inquiry phrases frequently made it onto their lantern?

I will not forget you.

Are you well?

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The first Lantern Festival after the revival of Wei Wuxian was perhaps the most interesting one Lan Sizhui had ever participated in.

The making and launching of the lanterns went as usual, except that Wei Wuxian talked the entire time.

"Look at what I drew, Lan Zhan. Does it remind you of anything? All these lanterns remind me of when we were students here. I guess you've always been a student here, though, huh? We should make a wish together. Let's launch a lantern together, Lan Zhan. You wouldn't make me launch it by myself, would you? Fine, I'll launch one with one of the Juniors. Hey, Lan Jingy—Oh so now you want to work together, huh? Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan. You're so silly."

Wei Wuxian accompanied the Juniors – and other Senior cultivators – into Caiyi town in the evenings. And Lan Wangji came too! Wei Wuxian drank a bottle of wine each evening and food so spicy that even the smell made most of the Lan disciples flee the area. He made Lan Sizhui try some. It made him cry but he still readily asked for a second bite.

The food was too hot, but it reminded him of being a kid in Yiling, of 'Wei-gongzi's' terrible cooking, of Uncle Ning finding and adding peppers to Wei Wuxian's food, and Lan Sizhui himself stealing a bite and crying, and Aunt Qing yelling.

"That's my son!" Wei Wuxian cheered, clapping him on the back and making him choke. "Loving spicy food runs in our blood!"

"But you're not—," Lan Jingyi started to say, but Lan Sizhui elbowed him in the stomach to stop him.

Smiling at Wei Wuxian, he asked for more to eat.

At the moon viewing party, Wei Wuxian did not read poetry nor play music. He smiled when Lan Wangji played a song, and leaned into him the whole night otherwise.

That year, in commemoration of regaining some of his childhood memories and being reunited with two of the people who helped raise him, Lan Sizhui also, for the first time, played a song he wrote. It was a bit too upbeat to be a proper moon viewing song for a Lan, too excited, but Wei Wuxian cheered loudly – despite the glares he got from other disciples – and Lan Wangji smiled, so Lan Sizhui was pleased.

Wei Wuxian did not perform, but that was to be expected. People still feared his flute and what he could do with it. This fact did not seem to upset him, however. He appeared perfectly content to drink copious amounts of tea and listen to the performances of others, Lan Wangji against his back and Lan Sizhui sitting beside him. Lan Sizhui was content as well, sitting with his two fathers under the moon.

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It wasn't until the three of them entered the garden in front of the jingshi that realization hit Lan Sizhui. He gasped, stopping the two older cultivators before they could step onto the porch.

"Our lantern," Lan Sizhui said, meeting Lan Wangji's eyes. "The Inquiry. Was it for Wei-gongzi?"

"Lantern?" Wei Wuxian repeated, looking curiously between the two of them. "Didn't we already light the lanterns?"

Lan Sizhui nodded and explained dutifully. "Every year, Hanguang-Jun and I have lit a separate lantern by ourselves. He always said it was to remember those I had lost. Every lantern included musical notations written in the language of Inquiry, asking questions or giving our sentiments. Hanguang-Jun always included messages about never forgetting." He glanced between Lan Wangji, with his red ears, and Wei Wuxian, with his growing grin. "I think, maybe, the person I lost, the person we were trying to reach with our Inquiry…was you."

Wei Wuxian turned his sly grin on Lan Wangji. "Aww, Lan Zhan. Is it true?" He grabbed Lan Wangji by the arm and looked up at him like a child. "Did you light lanterns for me?"

For a moment, Lan Wangji kept his eyes cast away from both of the other men with him. His ears had never been so red that Lan Sizhui had seen. After a few seconds, Lan Wangji nodded once, definitively. Wei Wuxian chuckled and clutched tighter to Lan Wangji's arm, nuzzling his cheek against Lan Wangji's shoulder. Lan Sizhui smiled at them. His fathers were very much in love and he was glad they had been reunited.

A frown. "So…will we not be launching our lantern anymore?" Lan Sizhui asked, and he couldn't keep the disappointment from his tone.

He had enjoyed launching their private lantern. The reflection on his past. The quality time spent with his father.

Lan Wangji looked at him briefly, then lowered his gaze to Wei Wuxian's. It was true, though, that the lantern was no longer necessary. Wei Wuxian had returned. They didn't need to remember him anymore, nor ask him questions through Inquiry. As disappointing as losing the tradition would be, with Wei Wuxian there among them they could certainly make new traditions. It would not be a total loss.

Shaking his head, Wei Wuxian pulled back from Lan Wangji – though not far enough to stop holding his arm – and stood tall. "Where is this lantern of yours?" he asked. When neither Lan moved to answer, he waved toward the jingshi and surrounding lands. "Well? You have to have one made up and hiding somewhere. Get it out."

Lan Sizhui frowned curiously. "But why? You are here."

Wei Wuxian wagged a finger at him and then placed his hands on his hips. "I may be here, but am I the only person you lost?" He shook his head again, a pensive frown pulling on his lips. "We can light a lantern for all the Wen civilians who were lost in the aftermath of the Sunshot Campaign. Wen Qing. Granny. All your aunts and uncles." He met Lan Sizhui's eyes solemnly. "Your real parents."

That last one had Lan Sizhui darting forward to wrap his arms around Wei Wuxian in a fierce hug. It took Wei Wuxian by surprise and he was slow to return the embrace.

"We can light the lantern. I want to honor them," Lan Sizhui said, his voice slightly muffled from where he was pressed into Wei Wuxian's shoulder. "But Wei-gongzi and Hanguang-Jun raised me. You are my parents too."

Wei Wuxian was still teary-eyed over a quarter of an hour later, when the three of them together held a paper lantern. Lan Sizhui had drawn a picture of rabbits. Wei Wuxian – showing a great deal more skill – had included a picture of a lotus pond in a desolate landscape. And Lan Wangji had written the Inquiry. As one, they released the lantern into the air and watched it carry their message to the heavens.

We are sorry. Thank you.

We hope you are well.

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fin