A/N: I'm deep in dissertation mode right now so it'll be a while before I can update my in-progress stories unfortunately. I finished this little four parter a while ago so I'll be posting this every week to tide you guys over until I'm free! Enjoy!
"Padme, stop worrying… I'm alright." Anakin rasped through a wince; eyes crinkled at the corners at the pain of attempting to sit up on the bed. Despite his best efforts, a small grunt slipped past his lips and Padme quickly leaned over, pressing two hands against his shoulders to force him back to the bed.
"Stop it! Anakin don't move!" Her eyes were wide and distressed enough that she could feel it. By some miracle of the Force, he decided to do as she told him and eased back down onto the sheets. Either he was exhausted from the battle and his wound or someone in the Force's ethereal afterlife was looking out for Padme today by saving her the stress of arguing with him.
After a moment, Anakin moved again, shifting to get comfortable and grimaced at the burn. Padme watched his ungloved hand hover above the wounded region of his skin just above his hip. The sight and sounds made her flinch as if Anakin's pain were her own. She wished that it was. She wished above all else that she could take his pain onto herself so he'd be alright again. It should be her lying on that bed anyway, wounded and pained and unable to move. Her eyes flicked downward to the tight bandage around Anakin's waist and felt her lips tighten. The bandages and gauze were only an hour or two old but it was already beginning to stain a deep crimson… She didn't like it.
It was easy to forget sometimes that Anakin was as human as she was. Mortal. Killable. The Chosen One could fall just like anyone else. It was a rude awakening.
It was her fault.
She should have been paying attention to what was happening out there… The battle droid wouldn't have been able to sneak up behind her and Anakin wouldn't have felt the stupid need to shield her body with his own, getting shot with a baster and then making it worse by falling and slicing the wound open in the aftermath. It was bad. It was all Padme's fault and felt sick to her stomach with guilt.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by Anakin's gloved fingers as he reached up to touch her on the shoulder. His usually tanned face was ashen and sickly and yet he found the strength to smile at her. "I'm alright, I promise. It's not as bad as it looks… Just need a day or two and I'll be back on my feet."
She pulled her gaze away to glare up at the ceiling as the guilt worsened. Whywas he trying to comfort her right now? He was hurt and in pain and even still Anakin was putting her first even though she was the reason he was lying there in the first place. It didn't surprise her as much as she wished it did. They'd grown up together… Padme was used to Anakin Skywalker putting the needs of others before his own, no matter how much it annoyed her from time to time. Padme gave a long sigh and peeled his hand off her shoulder and laced their fingers together, squeezing tightly.
Padme wished desperately there was something anything she could do to make him better. The healers had already treated the wound and administered medication for the pain which evidently wasn't enough… What more could she do? She didn't have any more medication and she definitely didn't know any route to healing him faster. All she could do was sit here uselessly and hold his hand. She stared down at him for a long moment before sighing again. His eyes had fluttered shut so it looked like he'd fallen asleep but Padme knew better. His long golden hair stuck to his face and without thinking, she reached down to brush away the sweat-dampened locks.
The wound was going to leave a scar, Padme was sure of that. It wouldn't be his first scar or sadly the last. The slightly faded line above and below his eye drew her attention suddenly and her fingers slid along his warm skin to trace it, taking care to be gentle over his eye. After a moment, his eyes opened and wide blue eyes met brown and held another for a long moment as her fingers trailed down the length of his cheek before falling away. She didn't think she'd ever touched him like this since they were children and the Jedi Code was meaningless words the adults had to live under. Through the Force, Padme could sense his surprise and fought back another sigh.
They rarely touched one another… They were Jedi after all. But when they did it was usually Anakin who touched her. He'd clasp her hand in his when they were younglings running through the halls, embrace her when one of them succeeded in training, comforted her if she was sick or hurt and sit by her bedside until she'd recovered. Anakin was the giver of touch in this friendship, that was how it'd always been… Padme hadn't ever realised how little she gave back until now, until she was taking a page out of his book and attempting to give comfort back.
This wasn't something she was very used to. She felt like she was doing everything wrong. They'd never been trained for this. She'd been trained to fight, to keep the peace and to carry the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders through the war. Padme was a warrior, not a caregiver. She'd never been shown how to be gentle with someone before but she was trying and hoped desperately that Anakin understood that.
Her fingers lifted again to trace the length of his arm whilst she watched his face. He looked different than usual. Something was different today. He looked… Without his robes, Anakin didn't look like a Jedi right now. He looked younger, simpler… More surprising to Padme's mind, he looked like a man.
She'd forgotten that about him quite a long time ago, she thought. That Anakin was just as human as the beings they fought to keep safe within the Republic. He was fallible. A real person not just the Chosen One the Jedi had pinned all their hopes on. Anakin could be hurt. Anakin could be killed. He was a person just like any other and it had taken almost losing him on the battlefield to realise that. For so long, Padme hadn't thought something like that was even possible. He was Anakin, her best friend. The idiot who crashed his starships, who leapt off of cruisers in the middle of sky-traffic, who ran straight into danger with laughter on his lips. He was the one constant in her life, something that would never change or leave. But all that was like a sheet of glass… It could be shattered so frighteningly easily and Padme was terrified by it.
The cold harsh reality wasn't pleasant at all.
"Anakin…" She looked away shamefully, too guilty to meet his eyes, "I'm so sorry…"
After a moment, she heard him speak and wished that she hadn't. "What are you apologising for? This isn't your fault, Padme. Going out there is a risk. Everyone knows that. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Padme grit her teeth and tried not to snap. He was doing it again! Why wouldn't he let her take the blame for anything? She stopped touching his arm and withdrew her hand. "Don't do that, Anakin."
He frowned. "Do what?"
She didn't answer his question but sighed again, long and frustrated, more with herself than him but she supposed that wasn't obvious without hearing her thoughts. "Why did you do that?" She asked him instead, "You could have died trying to save me! The Order needs you, Anakin! You're the Chosen One… You're going to bring balance to the galaxy, not me! I'm replaceable."
Anakin rolled his eyes. "It's just a prophesy. The Order needs you more. You're one of the best Generals we have."
She gave a breathless half-laugh, "Don't be silly." She didn't know what the Order would do if they'd lost him today. Chosen One or not, Anakin was one of their best warriors, his battalion was called upon constantly for reinforcement. He wasn't replaceable, not nearly. The Order would be in annihilated without him. And Padme… She had no idea what she would have done if he'd died protecting her today. Something had to be done… Whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, when the war was over, Padme was going to give it to him. She owed him that.
"I want to repay you, Ani. Not just for today… But for everything."
He shook his head immediately with a laugh. "You don't owe me anything."
"Come on, tell me what you want!" She frowned, it was an easy question. Everyone had something they fought for beyond the protection of the Republic, there was something that deep down they wanted, even Anakin. When he remained quiet, her frown deepened. Why was he hiding from her? Whatever he wanted couldn't be that difficult to for her to find, could it? Padme herself wanted to take a few years away from the temple when it was all over. She wanted to travel the galaxy when it was not so war-torn and see everything there was to see. She wanted to help people wherever she went and fulfil her role as peacekeeper.
"I've never really thought about it." He muttered but Padme shook her head, narrowing her eyes.
"Hey, don't lie to me. Ani, you can tell me what it is. You can tell me anything…"
To her surprise, Anakin's eyes grew wide and panicked. This wasn't supposed to be something frightening, it was a happy subject. Something they could look forward to for when the war was over. His azure eyes shut tight and he was quiet for the longest time while Padme just watched him, hardly daring to breathe whilst he seemed to brace himself for what came next. Finally, when the anticipation had been about to boil over for the Jedi and she'd been on the verge of repeating herself, Anakin spoke.
"It isn't… Look, what I want is… I don't think you can give it to me, okay?"
"Oh," she tutted with a laugh, "I'll be the judge of that, Skywalker," but there was no mirth in Anakin's eyes and her amusement died instantly. "Tell me what it is."
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Anakin."
"I can't Padme!" He shook his head again and avoided her gaze, turning away as much as he could without hurting himself. But she was determined and cupped his warm cheek in her palm, forcing his big blue eyes to meet her own.
"Ani… Tell me."
"Do you really want to know?" He snapped as if she hadn't been pestering him for an answer for the past ten standard minutes now.
"Yes!" Padme nodded, "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."
In the blink of an eye, he'd brought himself up into a sitting position on the bed and Padme gave a small cry of surprise, reaching for his shoulders to push him back down before he made himself worse. His wound was too fresh for moving around like that! The healers had told him not to move unless it was absolutely necessary, his stitches were going to tear and he'd get infected and for a moment all Padme could do was panic while he ignored her.
"What do you think you're doing?" She cried. "Lie back! Anakin, you're going to hurt yourself!"
He continued to ignore her and reached out to wrap the fingers of his ungloved hand around the back of her neck, pausing her alarm and pushed, surprising her suddenly so that she had no time to react or stop herself from being shoved forward. Their foreheads touched, their noses bumped and Padme was completely and wholly unprepared for when his eyes fell shut and his lips pressed against hers.
If she was honest with herself, her first thought was a curse.
Her second was that she had no idea what to do.
Her third was about how soft and yet firm Anakin's lips were against her own and after that, she couldn't think about anything else at all. Her mind seemed to fade to nothing when her eyes followed his lead and fell shut when Anakin upped the pressure of his lips on hers just slightly. It was surprisingly nice and she didn't realise that she'd tipped her head to get closer until after she'd done it but before she could truly follow her instincts and press back against him, Anakin pulled back.
Padme's heart pounded in her chest as his hand fell away from her neck and he moved back carefully. Had that just happened? Anakin kissed her! Her face felt hot and she was quite sure it was red and her ears were probably following suit but she couldn't think about it enough to care. Anakin kissed her.
"I…" He took a long breath, closing his eyes again, "what I meant was… I want to be with you, Padme. In all the ways the code says we shouldn't want… But I do."
Anakin bravely met her wide eyes and waited for her reaction to his confession but the best she could do was simply gawk at him. Speechless didn't quite capture what she felt. Words no longer existed inside Padme's mouth apparently because she had no idea what to say. She felt like she had the first time on a battlefield, surrounded by clones and battle droids and if her reactions were then what they were now; she would have been dead two days into the Clone Wars.
The moments ticked on and it hurt worse than she'd ever imagined seeing the hope in his eyes dying at her silence.
She needed to say something, anything to control this, to fix it but there is nothing she could say. She didn't know how to. There were no words that fit. Anakin finally pulled his eyes away from hers and it helped with the overwhelming panic she felt but at the very same time, Padme was beginning to understand that she'd just done something monumentally stupid.
"I understand." He said, voice tight and controlled and her stomach sank. "I know it's not something you can give me. You don't have to worry about it."
She was still staring at him with wide eyes and when he meekly looked at her again, Padme felt herself nod. The hurt that flashed on his face was only momentary but she saw it and hated herself for it. What was she doing?
The silence stretched on and on, deafening and stifling both at once and her skin crawled uncomfortably. Padme was hopelessly unprepared for something like this but she was just aware enough to understand that somehow, she'd just failed him. This big mess had been about making Anakin feel better and she'd just gone and made everything worse. But she didn't know what she was supposed to do to fix it. He'd blindsided her with that kiss and his confession and it took everything Padme had to not collapse right here.
Eventually, Anakin was the one to break the silence. "Padme?" He sounded so defeated that her chest ached.
"Yes?" She managed to croak.
"The healers said I really should be resting…"
He was offering her an out, an escape from the awkward situation, even Padme could see that.
"Okay. Well, I'll come back to check up on you again after you're up." She wanted to take his hand and give it a parting squeeze but stopped herself midway. That might not be for the best right now… She hesitated and then stood up, crossing the room in just a few strides. Padme hated herself for how relieved she felt to leave the medical quarters and clear her head but the moment the door slid shut behind her, the Jedi was filled with a terrible sense of regret.
What had she done?
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