Subaru screamed and screamed, the three thugs having trouble understanding how to process this situation.

"I'M BEING ROBBED!"

"Hey, shut up, dude!"

However, once he was out of breath and his throat was dry, Subaru didn't see anyone in the vicinity that could help him.

Well… shoot. You know, I should really write a letter to the mayor about how dangerous this town is. In this timeline or the next.

Just then, the four of them heard a tiny female voice yelling something that sounded a little bit like "Explooooooosion!"

The last thing he experienced was a bright orange light and a loud bang. And a lot of heat.

-AWWWWEEEEWWWWO-

Once again, Subaru found himself smack in the middle of the parking lot, Aqua walking down the street, and the same boy behind her.

"Again?" he said to no one. "Okay… let's think. The first time I went back was when Satella… I don't want to think about that." Subaru felt his heart sink at the mere thought of that "But nonetheless, someone must have attacked me. Then punchy-girl punched me, saying something about… what was it, God Blow?"

As if on cue, the boy pushed Aqua out of the way, and Felt idly walked past him, same as before.

"Oh my gosh… did he think that was a truck?" Aqua started laughing again. "He soiled himself! That's gotta be the funniest thing I've seen in years!"

"Eh, weird kids." said the driver.

Nonetheless, I probably shouldn't abuse this ability. Plus, it hurts like crazy. Wait a minute, that's it!

"Um… excuse me, Aqua?" he walked over to the girl as she pulled the boy out of the road.

"Huh? Ah yes, why it is me! What may I help you with?" she asked, seemingly unaware that this person knew her name.

"What exactly is God Blow?"

"Uh…"

Aqua took a brown card out of her pocket and read something off of it. "Here it is! God Blow is a lethal fist from a goddess' pain and sorrow. Whoever it strikes shall perish!"

"Perish… perish…" Subaru's head started turning "That's it! By your weird chuuni rules, I must've died and… hnng!" Subaru felt something grab his throat. What the… I can't say it!

"Uh, are you okay?"

"Nevermind!" he said quickly. "Thus, I shall name this ability, Return by Death."

Aqua shrugged, and started searching through the boy's pockets. "This guy's name is Kazuma Satou, huh? And a NEET by the look of his outfit…"

Subaru rubbed his chin. Okay… whoever killed me must've used a long-ranged explosive attack. Wait, does that mean they're a terrorist? I need to look in relation to the alleyway to find this person.

He scanned the area, looking for a suspicious character. Just then, he noticed a blonde-haired girl with heavy plate armor idly walking about. Ah-hah! Now that's worth checking into.

He walked up to her, trying to seem casual.

"Greetings, madam!" he said. "Are you, perhaps, in possession of some kind of long-ranged explosive attack?"

"Uh… not really. I mean, Megumin has that, but not me. Ah! I should introduce myself!" she panicked for a moment before bowing. "I am Crusader Darkness of the Dustiness clan, younger sister to Sir Reinhardt van Dustiness."

"Nice to meet you! So, is this Megumin the type to randomly blow up strangers?"

"No, she's trying to use her Explosion magic to save people, but that hasn't been going too well… wait, was she releasing her Explosion on local grounds again? I thought I told her to stop doing that!"

"Eheh… something like that."

Darkness sighed.

"Anyway…" Subaru started again. "There's a bar I need to get to, in order to… actually it's best you don't know about that. But have you heard of a white-haired girl with elf ears and white robes? And she's super beautiful?"

"Not really. Although, that does sound like the kind of person Megumin would know…"

"Then if you see her, I'd like it if you'd tell her to stay away from the bar next to the catgirl brothel."

"The… the what-now?"

"It'll make sense to her. Well, it was nice meeting you, Darkness. You're a surprisingly level-headed person compared to the other people I've met on this crazy adventure."

"Farewell,"

As Subaru happily walked away from this confrontation, he realized he had somehow forgotten about the alleyway.

"Well, look what we got here!"

Aw, darn it!

"Oh great, here I go again. If I fight, then I almost die. But if I yell for help I'll get blown up by Megumin. Now what do I do…?"

"Stand down!" Subaru noticed Darkness posed with a sword behind him. "As a Knight, I will not allow harm to come to the innocent civilian!"

Nice! Looks like talking to Darkness was the right choice!

At least, that was what Subaru thought until he noticed Darkness was starting to blush.

"Instead, take me!"

What?

"Subaru, look at those filthy eyes!"

"What are you talking about?" said one of the thugs.

"Those are the eyes of degenerates who plan on taking me to some underground lair, and doing extremely perverted actions!"

Darkness let out a lewd squeal.

"Such a situation is my dream come true!"

No way… she's a freaking masochist!

"Darkness, blacker than black…"

"Huh?" Subaru looked on a nearby rooftop to see a young girl in what looked like a red witches outfit.

"Combine with my deep Crimson to bringeth upon us the time of awakening! Justice, fallen upon the invisible boundary lines, crosses over into the deep horizon and vanishes this world into the flames of darkness! Grant me the most powerful offensive magic of them all!"

"Is… is that Megumin?" Subaru said. Darkness gasped.

"Get down!" she jumped onto him and wrapped her body around his, just as Megumin yelled. "Exploooooosion!"

Megumin threw a small wooden shogi piece at one of the thugs.

"What on earth was that supposed to…" Subaru heard one of the thugs say before they all screamed simultaneously and Darkness let out a weird moan.

"AAAAAAAAAGH!"

When whatever that was cleared up, Darkness got up and glared at Megumin, who had just hurried down into the alley.

"Megumin! While your inane Explosions are thrilling, they pose a major threat to the safety of this town!"

"I told you, If I do not perform my Explosion magic, I will die!"

"Why you little…"

Subaru idly whistled and shuffled away.

"Where are you going anyway?" said the two girls.

"I uh… need to get an insignia thingy before this girl I like dies a gruesome death." he did his best to summarize the insanity of the past few… days?

"Okay!" said Megumin. "Feel free to call us if you run into any trouble! Here's my number!"

Megumin tossed a piece of paper at him.

Subaru sighed as he made his way to the bar. It wasn't that hard, considering this was the second time he'd walked there.

I wonder why my throat got stuck back there… maybe some magical forces preventing me from telling anyone about my new ability? Nah… couldn't be.

Felt was sitting outside the bar, idly scrolling on a smartphone.

"Hey there, Felt! Wait a minute, how do I know your name…?"

"Sup," she said.

"Hey… I heard you stole an insignia thingy."

"Oh, you mean this?" Felt pulled out an emblem that matched Satella/Not Satella's description to a T.

"Yes, that! Can I buy that off you?"

"Hm… I guess. What'cha got?'

"Uh…" Subaru searched his pockets. "How about this?" he pulled out a flip-phone. "Extra durable, waterproofed, and amazing sound quality!"

"Uh-huh." she shrugged. "Honestly, who the heck uses flip phones these days? I think I'll wait until Old Man Rom can appraise it."

"Who's Rom?"

"The bartender." Felt started walking inside the bar. Subaru went pale and followed swiftly.

Thankfully, the bar was empty, save for the large muscular man at the counter.

"Hey, Felt. Is this the customer?"

"He's a rival bidder. He's offering his cellphone."

"Well, let's seek," Rom took the phone. "Hm… nobody really uses flip phones these days…"

"Hey!"

"...but the market's still pretty good ever since people started using them to combat smartphone addiction. I'd say this'd pass for around seven-thousand yen at an online auction."

"Seven thousand?" Felt's eyes widened, before a grin started to spread across her face.

"Hah! It's gonna be hard to beat that!" Subaru proudly stated.

Why do I even carry this thing around anyway? I bought myself a smartphone months ago.

"Still, let's wait until the first customer arrives. They might be able to offer something more."

Subaru waited a pretty long time, long enough that Rom insisted he order a drink.

"Coffee, please." he said. "This could be a long night."

As he sipped his drink, he noticed the same boy from before sitting at another table, across from Aqua.

"I don't get it!" Aqua whined. "Why doesn't anyone want to join our party?"

"I don't know, maybe cause you're crazy and the rest of town has common sense!"

"Kaazuumaa!"

Just then, two more entered the bar. Subaru thought it was the other customer, but it was Megumin and Darkness.

"Art thou the alleged party for high-level adventurers?" Megumin struck a weird pose. And, the chuuni-nonsense continues.

"If so, we would like to join," said Darkness. "My name is Darkness, and I'm a crusader."

That was way shorter than when she talked to me.

"And I am Megumin! My calling is that of an arch-wizard, who wields Explosion magic, the most powerful offensive spell!" her companion added.

Aqua, and the boy who was apparently named Kazuma, gave them mixed expressions.

As they discussed things, someone else entered.

"Ah, Felt!" she said. It was a very curvy woman with short black hair and a black outfit.

"Hey, Elsa." said Felt. "Looks like someone else is here to claim the insignia." She indicated to Subaru.

"Is that so? What did he offer?"

"A 7000 yen flip-phone."

"Who uses flip-phones these days?"

"Beats me. Anyway, your current bid is 1000 yen. Would you be interested in increasing?"

"Sorry, I only brought another 1000."

"I guess it's yours, Subaru." Felt promptly handed over the insignia.

"All right! And I didn't get gouged!"

"What?"

"Nothing! Well, it was a pleasure meeting you all, but I'll be leaving now…"
"Hold on, sweetie." Elsa flashed him a creepy grin. It was at this point when Subaru noticed the blade on her belt.

Subaru started backing off, but Elsa was one step ahead of him. She vaulted over a table, as Felt started shielding Rom.

"Felt? What are you doing?"

"Protecting you!"

Subaru panicked as he hopped around Elsa's sword.

Even though that sword is clearly made of plastic, I'll still get sent back in time if she kills me! Or chuuni-kills me anyway.

"Eh?" Aqua stood up from her seat. "What's going on here?"
"She's trying to kill him to get the insignia!" said Kazuma. "Run!"

"Oh no you won't!" Aqua pulled out a large staff. "In the name of the Aqua Familia, I will defeat you!"

"Don't you mean the Axis Sect?'

"Same thing!"

Darkness started charging towards Elsa and swung her own weapon, but missed by a surprisingly large gap.

"Missed me!" Elsa cackled and backflipped off the wall to attack Darkness.

"Why you… you're thinking lewd thoughts about me right now!" she threw another equally pathetic swing at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Elsa chuckled. She slashed back and forth, but Darkness was surprisingly unharmed.

"Oh… this intensity!"

"What the… she's a masochist?" said Kazuma, as Aqua was continuing a rather long speech about her values.

"As the goddess of the Axis Sect, my duty is to…"

"A goddess? You?" Elsa stared at her, unamused. "Don't make me laugh."

"Finally, a sensible person!" said Kazuma. "Wait, she's still going to kill us!"

Subaru breathed heavily as the chaos continue. He saw the door in the corner of his eye. Without attracting attention from Elsa, he slipped out with the insignia before anyone could see him.

"Phew!" he started walking off. But something made him stop. It was either the fear of seeing Elsa some other place, or the guilt of leaving his companions behind.

He saw the three brothel customers from before.

"Oh boy, Crim, this is really your first time?" said the brown-haired man. It was at this point when he saw a familiar face walking down the street.

"You're gonna love this place!" said the ginger-haired man.

"Uh… maybe?" said the girl.

"This is before the bar was ruined…" Subaru rubbed his chin. "That means… Elsa must've attacked everyone anyway! I have to do something, or they'll end up just like…"

It was at this point when a familiar face started walking by.

"Satella? No wait… you there?"

"Huh?" Satella/Not Satella noticed his panicked face. "Who are you?"

"Long story short, I'm Subaru and I heard you were looking for an insignia thingy so I got it and now here you are, so here!" He proudly presented his prize.

Satella/Not Satella gasped.

"How did you get that? Wait, what are you trying to get out of this? Money? Items? Asuna?"

"What? No! What do you take me for? Let's just say I'm repaying a favor from a past life."

Satella/Not Satella cautiously took the insignia.

"Well… thanks, I really appreciate that." she started scratching the back of her head. "Oh right!" she cleared her throat and started a sequence of yet more bizarre poses. "You have served me well, Subaru! As the next in line for the crown, I humbly thank you!"

"Ah, no problem!" Subaru blushed a little bit.

Just then, Felt rushed out the door, panting.

"Subaru! Wait, that bakeneko... are you a spirit stand user?"
"Uh, yeah. Why?"

Felt suddenly got close.

"Can you stop that crazy woman from killing everyone in there while I go get Reinhardt?"

"Who?" said Subaru.

"He's a knight," said Felt.

"Oh right…"

"I suppose I have to." Satella/Not Satella sighed. "Let's go, Subaru!"

"Okay!"

With a newfound sense of determination, Subaru and Satella/Not Satella marched into the bar.

Aqua was waving her staff around yelling the word "Heal!" over and over again, Darkness was wrestling/swordfighting Elsa, while Kazuma whizzed around to strike repeated blows with a shortsword. All while Megumin was chanting again.

"Let justice be known on the day upon which the rare prospects come across the bazaar! Explosion!"

Kazuma jumped behind Darkness as Elsa was flung into the back wall, crashing into it.

"Ng…" she panted. "I'll be back, this isn't the last you'll see of me!"

Elsa dashed out the door as everyone took a breather.

"Wow!" Subaru exclaimed. "That was awesome you guys!"

"Huh?" said Kazuma. "I mean… I guess so…"

"I don't even if it was because all four of you seem to have a really bad case of chuunibyou! Kazuma, those sword skills were awesome! Megumin, that Explosion was so cool! Darkness, you're freaky, but you're basically unbreakable! And Aqua, I think you were also doing something important!"

"She wasn't," Kazuma remarked.

"Hey!" said Aqua.

"All four of you fought bravely today, and I thank you for that," said Satella/Not Satella. "And I think Subaru deserves a bit of credit here as well, for going through so much trouble to get my insignia back."

"Not to mention all the trouble I went through to get it…" Felt muttered under her breath.

"What school do you guys go to anyway? I'd love to meet up with all of you again."

"Axel Academy," said just about everyone in the room. Varying looks of surprise came across their faces.

"Seriously? What a coincidence!" said Subaru.

"That reminds me," said Satella/Not Satella. "Subaru, you've demonstrated both bravery and resourcefulness, and we could really use that in the Host Club."

"Seriously? Sure! That sounds like fun,"

"I'll let you weirdos pall around." Kazuma shrugged. "I'm going home."

"Oh right, me too!" said Aqua. "Hey guys, consider joining the Aqua Familia at some point! We're always looking for new members! And we've got great perks!"

"Right…" said Megumin.

Darkness started looking between Megumin and Satella/Not Satella.

"Say, Megumin?" she said. "Is that your older sister?"

"What, no!" she said. "What gave you that idea?"

"Well… you both sound exactly the same."

"Wait, before I join…" said Subaru. "I have a small condition." With that and a dramatic finger snap, he asked "What is your name?"

Satella/Not Satella gave him a strange look.

"It's Emilia,"