DEATH AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS

The first time Klaus stares Death in the face is a mausoleum. Later he would think that was very fitting, strange because he wasn't the one dying, but an on the nose location either way. At the time though all Klaus can do is scream.

"Make them go away. Make them go away." Klaus muttered to himself as he rocked back and forth on the carefully sculpted marble floor of the tomb. He tried to block out the anguished cries of the dead that surrounded him. They roared at him in every direction. He didn't dare take his hands away from where they were firmly clasped around his ears. His eyes were scrunched close, not that he could see much in the grey light of the locked mausoleum. Still, the ghosts of the dearly departed screamed at him anyways, howling in pain or in rage, Klaus could never really be sure; he usually never stuck around long enough to find out.

Ever since the exact nature of his power became clear to their Father, after the harsh teasing from everyone subsided, he'd been left in all sorts of places where the dead might be for 'training'. It was horrible. He still cried himself to sleep over what he saw in the crematorium. Human eyes weren't supposed to melt like that.

This wasn't him being dramatic for attention, whatever Luther claimed. Klaus would roll his eyes at the sentiment if he dared to open them. Like anyone would pretend to wake up screaming when a woman with half a face appears over your bed. He wasn't crazy either. He just wanted it to stop and none of the others could understand how terrifying it was. Well, maybe Ben could. His own stomach monsters were the stuff of nightmares in their own way. But, none of the others were ever locked in with the nightmares.

No, it was only him.

Klaus noticed when it began to grow quieter. The ceaseless masses mumbling trickled off and the moaning seemed to only be coming from a handful of places around the room. What was happening?

He felt the familiar rhythmic pounding of his heart, beating against his rib cage. It was only after the crypt felt unnaturally silent that he dared to open his eyes.

He blinked several times trying to see anything in the gloom.

A robed figure stood next to the white mist of a frightful looking woman. Her shrieking was reduced to a murmur as she stared at the other spirit. At least Klaus assumed he was a spirit, somehow the figure seemed more corporeal than the ghosts that had been haunting him since his father locked him in the mausoleum the night before.

But really, what was one more abysmal spirit in this place?

The man- or at least Klaus thought it was a man, he didn't want to be one of those people who fell to stereotypes. He'd met enough of them with his clothing choices to last a lifetime. But the figure was hunched over leaning down towards the ghost then one of his thin arms reached into his black robe and - oh shit , he was pulling out a scythe!

The hood fell from his face revealing a bleached white skull reflecting in the dim light of the tomb. An unholy blue light shined from his eye sockets as he turned his gaze away from the spirit and towards Klaus. The scythe came down with a whoosh over the woman and Klaus squeezed his eyes shut and screamed.

He doesn't remember what happened next, only that when he woke up again he was in his own room with Mother sitting beside the bed, cross-stitching and occasionally running her cool fingers through his hair.

The next time Klaus sees the skeleton it's at a birthday party. And if the mausoleum was the most fitting place he could think of a birthday party had to be one of least fitting. The party wasn't for one of his siblings, of course, oh no that would presume that their Father allowed such frivolous things as birthday parties. Even if throwing seven kids with the same birthday a party once a year would be the easiest thing in the universe. But no Father wouldn't allow it.

No instead it was after a mission. Klaus had broken off from his siblings tired of hearing Luthor criticize everything he had done wrong during the bank robbery. All Klaus could say was hey at least no one died this time. But of course, that wouldn't be enough for number one the perfectionist. So Klaus had stopped listening and when the others weren't paying attention he slipped off to the nearby park.

The sun was warm and the birds were chirping. It was nice. Klaus found himself walking in no particular direction but soon enough found an empty bench overlooking a grassy field. On one of the nearby covered picnic areas, there were balloons and banners announcing 'Happy Eighth Birthday Elise!' in rainbow colors. Children in party hats darted around chasing after one another.

They looked so happy.

It must be nice.

Klaus couldn't turn his attention away it was all so normal. He wished that he could be like them.

In a short while, a brunette woman in a floral sundress called the children over with a shouted, "Time for cake!"

The children immediately turned and rushed towards the picnic tables. At the center sits a little blonde girl with a wide grin as she leans over the glowing candles on her cake. Klaus smiles at the scene. It's so peaceful all those happy people gathered around and look even her grandmother-

The woman passed through the table.

He froze, rubbing his eyes and looking again. Yup, she was still there half standing half floating in the middle of the picnic table. He quickly diverted his eyes. It was always bad when the ghosts realized they could see him.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention as Klaus turned to look off the right. A terrifyingly familiar black-robed figure stood just on the edge of the trees watching the party. Klaus felt a shiver run down his spine. He knew that figure. How could he forget?

When he'd told Ben about the mausoleum and the nightmares all those years ago Ben told him it sounded like he'd seen the grim reaper. They'd spent the next two weeks digging through the library to find everything they could about the skeleton. It wasn't much: a bunch of artwork, vague biblical references to Death and a bunch of folklore. All they really learned was that according to every source you don't want to meet them.

Klaus may have been terrified down to his core but that never stopped his mouth from moving, "Aren't you going to take care of that? One dies every minute or something. Chop chop no time to waste."

He was half-joking, half talking to himself and one hundred percent sure this was one of the worst ideas he's ever had.

Death's unnaturally blue eye sockets fall on him. Klaus squirms nervously under the gaze as the skeleton's gaze drifts back towards the ghost of the old woman smiling fondly as she floats next to the little girl.

TIME YOU'LL FIND IS RELATIVE. BESIDES THEY'RE ABOUT TO CUT THE CAKE; IT'S CHOCOLATE.

Klaus's mouth falls open. The grim reaper could talk?!

The old woman's ghost stared longingly as the man brought the knife down on the bright yellow birthday cake. He slid the fat slice of cake out and plopped it onto the girl's plate with a "Happy Birthday baby girl!"

The little girl smiled cheerfully at the man and wasted no time grabbing a fork and digging into the dark brown cake. Huh, looks like it was chocolate after all. The man wastes no time passing out the rest of the slices to other waiting kids.

The ghost grandma takes one more longing look at the birthday party and then floats towards them.

"Oh thank you, mister! Thank you so much for waiting." The grandmother said reaching out to vigorously shake the skeleton's hand.

The grim reaper dips his head in acknowledgment. OF COURSE. IT WOULD BE RUDE TO MISS A PARTY YOU WERE INVITED TO. NOW ARE YOU READY TO GO?

The elderly woman smiles up at the reaper. The reaper reaches into his sleeve and pulls out his scythe. In one quick swing, he slices it through the ghost and she evaporates into a blue most with a whispered thank you.

"They never speak. They only yell." Klaus whispers to the hooded figure. He isn't sure what he just witnessed the only other time he's seen ghosts disappear like that was his memory of the crypt.

The robed figure cocked his head to the side. OH, THEY CERTAINLY SPEAK. ARE YOU A WIZARD?

Klaus shakes his head and can't help the pitiful laugh that escapes his mouth. How ridiculous wizards.

The reaper continues, USUALLY, ONLY WIZARDS AND CATS CAN SEE ME. ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU AREN'T A NECROMANCER?"

"No look, I'm not really sure what I am but wizards don't exist and I'm just a freak that sees dead people!" Klaus can't help but snap at him as soon as he finishes talking he regrets it. This really isn't a person -a thing- he should be mouthing off to. He gulps.

But the skeleton tucks his scythe back into the shadows of his robes, I SUPPOSE YOU ARE RATHER SHORT FOR A WIZARD. The strange iridescent blue light in its eyes gives him a once over. NOT COLORFULLY DRESSED ENOUGH EITHER.

"Aren't you going to kill me and take my soul or something?"

The skeleton cock's his skull to the side like he's not sure why Klaus is asking, WHY? IT IS NOT YOUR TIME. WHAT IS YOUR NAME STRANGE NOT WIZARD?

"Don't you know it's rude for strangers to ask kids that and rude to not give your own name first." Klaus thinks he must be having an out of body experience its the only way to explain how he's not dead yet.

AH, FORGIVE ME. I AM DEATH.

Klause blinks, "Your name is Death? Just Death?"

The skeleton nods again.

THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME. I DID HAVE AN APPRENTICE ONCE IN ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME.

Klaus isn't sure what to say to that. Death pulls out an empty hourglass from his robes taps it once and then turns, murmuring, I MUST GO.

The Skelton claps his hands together and a white horse appears. It doesn't look frightening just a normal white horse with a saddle and bridle. It's munching on a carrot as it walks fearlessly towards Death.

Death climbs up on the horse and pats the horse's side. COME ON BINKY and with that the white horse begins dashing away.

"I'm Klaus!" He can't help himself from yelling after Death. It'd be rude not to, especially when the skeleton had been civil. Klaus can't tell if the reaper of souls heard him or not. And before Klaus can blink the skeleton and his steed have disappeared, leaving only a sunny green park.

It's only after he is alone in the park again that he laughs until his ribs hurt. He's still laughing to himself when Luther and the others find him. His brother scowls and asks him if he thinks that getting lost is funny. Klaus can't get enough air in his lungs to explain what the real joke is.

Death has a horse. Death has a horse he named Binky.

Klaus sees Ben's ghost before his brother's body even grows cold. One second he's staring at Ben's fallen body across the rescue site. The next Ben flickers to life beside him still in his same close with a bluish tint to his unusually pale complexion. Ben blinks at him like he's not sure what's going on and Klaus waves. There's not much else he can do.

Ben trails after him, staying close as Sir Reginald Hargreeves collects his body and makes funeral arrangements. Honestly, Klaus is surprised the man remembers to do that.

His siblings are all shell shocked. And Luthor and Diego they aren't speaking at all which would normally be a godsend but in this case, was just troubling. When they get back to the house Vanya is waiting for them on the stairs with a smile and a wave, her little violin laying in her lap. Klaus looks away. He sees Ben out of the corner of his eye crying.

Vanya's smile falters and she asks, "Where's Ben?"

It's Allison that steps up and clears her throat, rocking back and forth looking unsure. She looks like she's about to say something when their Father cuts in.

"Number Six is dead." And with that their monocle-wearing father sweeps out of the entranceway towards his study, leaving them alone.

Mother tries to usher them into the kitchen for something to eat and Klaus isn't really sure what Luthor says but somehow he gets them out of it and Klaus wanders to his room shutting the door.

"Ben, can you hear me?" Klaus whispers. His brother flickers and comes back suddenly.

"Klaus. Am I really dead?"

Klaus swallows back his feelings, "Ye-yeah."

"I'm scared. What happens next?"

"I don't know." Klaus never knows, despite being forced to see and interact with the dead. He knows very little about what goes on with them. If anything he's never been worried about it before. Death always seemed so abstract when it wasn't happening to him. "I guess we have to wait for him to come."

"Who?"

Klaus gulps, "Death." Ben floats down on Klaus's bed, bringing his knees up to curl under his chin.

"Do you want me to say anything to the others for you?"

"Would you? Tell them I love them and it's not anyone's fault."

Klaus nods. He isn't sure that their siblings will listen to him. They uh- well other than Ben- don't really take his ghost boy powers to seriously. If they did they would already be busting down his door and asking about Ben.

Pogo comes up later and tells them that the funeral will be tomorrow at nine in front of the big oak tree. He also asks if they- well if Klaus- needs anything. He doesn't, not unless Pogo has a book on necromancy.

The next morning everyone is gathered in front of the oak tree. Mother has them dressed in their best black clothing as Father has Ben's casket lowered into a hole in the ground. Ben is crying next to Klaus. He can hear him sniffling.

I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9 A.M. I AM NOT A MOURNING PERSON. A deep voice intones.

Klaus whirls and finds the grinning skeletal face of Death standing next to them.

"You can't take him!" He screeches at the skeleton. The ghost of his brother wide-eyed and clutched behind him, "I won't let you take him."

His Father frowns at him, narrowing his eyes as he looks between Klaus and the casket, "Be quiet Number Four, now is no time for your dramatic."

Death's face doesn't move but he gives the impression of a frown. He fishes inside his robe and Klaus backs away pushing Ben with him as he stares up at the robed figure in terror. If he pulls out his scythe they're finished.

His siblings are looking at him with alarm in their eyes.

"Don't make a scene," Allison hisses at him, "It's a funeral."

But they can't see that literal Death is standing right in front of him threatening to take away their brother.

Death looks calmly down at him and pulls out an hourglass, tapping the top.

"Please, please. Don't take him!" Klaus begs, "I'll do whatever I can. Be a wizard study necromancy, whatever!"

Death merely looks over between him and Ben and then back at the hourglass that seems to be half full.

AH, IT SEEMS THERE WAS A MISTAKE. IT IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME YET.

"What's that mean? When's the right time?" Klaus whispers.

Death turns his unholy eyes on them, looking past Klaus to Ben. IF PEOPLE KNEW WHEN THEY WERE GOING TO DIE, I THINK THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T LIVE AT ALL.

With a swish of his robes and a flash of blackness Death disappears. And Klaus is left panting and shaking but thank the universe that Ben is still beside him. His knees give out beneath him and he collapses on the damp dewy grass.

The rest of his family, except for Mother, of course, are staring at him like he's crazy. His father is angry, his eyebrows pinched in disappointment.

"Number Four, go to your room."

After Ben's funeral Klaus starts slipping again. He can't stop the guilt that comes from seeing Ben every day and knowing that no matter what Ben says it's partially his fault his brother is dead. He can't handle the anxiety of waiting. Waiting for Death to arrive again and say time is up.

It starts with alcohol when he's thirteen. He was a wreck depressed and unfocused all year, but when Ben's anniversary rolls around and Diego and Luthor are at each other's throats worse than usual.

Klaus is just so sick of it. He wants to numb it out. So he finds his way down to the unlocked liquor cabinet and drinks.

He drinks until Ben's disappointed eyebrows blur into nothing.

He drinks until he can't tell up from down and he's giggling like a fool.

He drinks until he blacks out.

When he comes to he's in the clinic room. Mother is standing over him with worried eyes, "Oh darling why would you do a thing like that?"

Klaus doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything when he realizes for the first time in three years he's actually alone. Ben is nowhere in sight and neither are any of the other usual gaggle of ghouls. For once his mind is silent.

That's when he knows this might be the first time he does this but it won't be the last.

He starts by chasing the silence from death and ends up chasing the high.

Then there's no ghosts and certainly no death. Just more suspicious looks and lots of rehab.

Klaus doesn't see Death again until he's being tortured in a hotel. He's been tied up so long he starts to detox. He sees Ben again first though. His brother gives him a smile and a wave as he floats above the couch. Klaus smiles too but feels blood dribble down his chin.

If it was just Ben it would have been fine. But once the ghosts start coming they don't stop. It seems like the two in the other room are assassins and their dozens of victims from across the ages aren't quite down with them yet. They all start babbling in dozens of languages and Klaus's head feels like he's going to explode from the noise, though that could just be his dehydration talking he's sweating like a pig.

His two kidnappers come in to ask more about his family this time they bring his drugs and Klaus is ready to sing like a blackbird, well he would except the two idiots wouldn't actually give him his pills. That and Ben has his disappointing eyebrows back on full force. So instead Klaus starts repeating the noises the ghosts are making and that seems to freeze the assassins in their tracks and send them running. The hotel door slams with a bang. Score one for ghost boy.

The ghosts don't leave with their killers though. Instead, they stick around and keep babbling at him. Klaus closes his eyes and takes a nap. He hopes someone finds him before the two weirdos come back.

When Klaus next opens his eyes the ghosts are gone except for Ben. Death stands there in front of him in his usual dark robes.

"Have you ever thought about an outfit change?" Klaus can't help but snark. He means come on sometimes he changes his clothes as much as four times a day. He even makes a towel look like a fashion statement.

Death looks down at his dark as night robe. I ONCE THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING MYSELF A BELT MADE OUT OF WATCHES, BUT THEN I REALIZED IT WOULD BE A WAIST OF TIME.

"Did you just-?" Ben starts, in confusion and Klaus has forgotten that Ben has only met Death once before, at his funeral. He hadn't seen the dozens of interactions Klaus had witnessed when he came to claim souls. Instead, Ben always disappeared when Death arrived and Klaus didn't blame him he usually wished he could disappear too. Something about the specter was unnatural. It made his skin crawl and his hair stand on end, but then every part of his supernatural power made his skin crawl. Still, when Death wasn't being terrifying he was surprisingly dorky.

"Really again?" Klaus says, but despite how atrocious a pun it was he couldn't help but chuckle.

THAT WAS A PUN. A PLAY ON WORDS.

"Oh, I got that. I was just really terrible."

Death cocks his head, affronted, I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING.

Ben widens and then rubs his eyes like he can't quite believe that he's awake, "You know I don't get how you have such a bad rep. I mean if anyone ever met you while they were alive…" Ben starts seeming unable to form a coherent thought.

Klaus snorts, "You should see him with cats. He stops and pets every single one."

I LIKE CATS. THEY'RE PURRFECT.

Ben doesn't hold back his laugh, "So I take it you're not here for me, just the rest of them then?"

Death nods. THEIR BUSINESS WAS COMPLETE IT WAS TIME FOR THEM TO MOVE ON.

Ben cocks his head to the side, "And mines not?"

With that Death flickers away and a Policewoman breaks down the door.

After that, the puns don't stop coming. In fact, it's practically a greeting whenever Klaus runs across Death. He always seems to have a new one ready at his disposal. Klaus supposes that when you're an anthropomorphic being on contract with the universe you have a lot of job security and free time. And hey Klaus is a drug addict and doesn't really have a lot of wiggle room to talk about good ways to spend free time.

Still taking his monkey of an older brother to get laid at a rave maybe wasn't the best idea. He wakes up somewhere fuzzy, his head is killing him and Luthor is nowhere in sight.

In fact, he's alone on the side of a wooded dirt road. He turns around expecting to see someone and when he doesn't he starts walking.

HELLO KLAUS. YOU KNOW I ONCE SAW AN AD FOR BURIAL PLOTS AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF THIS IS THE LAST THING I NEED. IT SEEMS THAT WASN'T THE CASE FOR YOU.

Klaus jumps at the sudden voice and scowls up at the grinning skeleton, rubbing the back of his head.

"Can you ever just say hello like a normal person? Instead of always deciding to make a dramatic entrance."

I DID SAY HELLO AND I AM NOT A NORMAL PERSON

Klaus sighs, "So where am I?"

DEAD.

"I'm dead? Like capital D dead?"

YES, TEMPORARILY.

"What does that even mean? Is this the afterlife?" Klaus says peering around with renewed interest. If it was it looked a bit boring.

AH, I SUPPOSE I OUGHT TO TAKE YOU TO MY EMPLOYER.

"You're employed? What do they pay you in? Couldn't you just kill your boss."

OF COURSE NOT, THAT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL.

Klaus snorts. Oh yes, Death ever the epitome of professionalism. It's not like he ever puts off reaping souls so he can pet cats.

BESIDES, THEY GAVE ME A VERY NICE FARMHOUSE AND THEY ALWAYS BRING BINKY APPLES.

Klaus snorts again, "Didn't know that's all it took. So your boss are they god? Should I be worried?"

IT'S NOT THE GODS YOU HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR ITS THE AUDITORS AND THE TAX COLLECTORS.

Klaus shoots Death an irritated look. Jokes aren't really what he needs right now. Death leads him to a barbershop and then waves his hand indicating he should go inside.

Klaus swallows hard and pushes the door open. A little bell tings. There's a little girl who is sitting in a chair, swinging her legs back and forth happily while an older gentleman cuts her hair.

"Klaus the ghost boy!" The girl's high pitched voice echoes around the room, "Death has told me so much about you. He thought you were a wizard. I had to explain to him that wizards only occur on the disc."

Klaus steps closer and slides into the barber chair next to hers, not sure exactly what she's talking about but it's clear who she has to be. What do you know god was a girl.

"Did you know you and your family are quite interesting? It's pretty unusual to be a man that can't die." With that bomb dropped, the girl waves her hand, "That's enough Reginald. I'll give you fifteen minutes then he's got to go back."

The girl then dances to her feet and the barbershop door closes with a jangle.

The old man straightens and there is the monocle and white mustache of Sir Reginald Hargreeves.

"Well sit down Number Four. You heard the woman we don't have much time and you need a shave."

Klaus mechanically rises to his feet and slides into the recently vacated chair in front of his father. His father immediately begins smearing shaving cream on his face with a brush.

"You disappoint me. You really have so much potential but you squander it all."

"Whatever dad. I didn't come here to listen to a lecture I wouldn't have listened to while you were alive." Klaus is still reeling from the fact that apparently he can't die and a cosmic being that takes the shape of a girl is watching his family from the afterlife or wherever this is.

Klaus sees his father purses his lips in the mirror as he takes the straight razor and slides it down his face slicing through his stubble. "Quite right, we need to talk about your sister Vanya."

That's how Klaus finds out that apparently his powerless sister is the harbinger to the apocalypse and that they've all been lied to their whole lives but mostly Vanya. Oh and apparently his father committed suicide. Whoo yay for family bonding.

When fifteen minutes is up Klaus has a new shave and Reginald is shooing him out the door. He steps outside and finds Death waiting for him feeding Binky a carrot.

HOW WAS IT?

"Well my dad's still a dick and apparently I can't die."

Death reaches out a bony hand and pats him gently on the shoulder three times. It's a bit slow and a little awkward, but it's kind of nice.

DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. IN MY EXPERIENCE THESE THINGS TEND TO SORT THEMSELVES OUT. AFTER ALL, THERE ARE ONLY TWO THINGS CERTAIN IN THIS UNIVERSE.

"What things?"

TAXES AND ME.

Klaus let out an aborted laugh at the skeleton's bad joke.

With that the grinning skull faded to whiteness and Klaus found himself lying on the sticky floor of a warehouse with a throbbing headache. Around him the rave hammered on, the beats of the music pounding against his skull. It was as if he'd never been gone at all.

After its all done and somehow the seven of them don't manage to prevent the apocalypse, but do manage to avoid it. Hooray for shoving off your responsibilities and running away! Things aren't perfect for some reason they all look about twelve years old and are about forty years in the past. At least if the dates on the newspapers floating on the wind are to be believed.

Everyone is staring at Ben and Allison is already reaching over and hugging him, "I can't believe you're here!"

Ben hugs back, giving his sister a tight squeeze, "Did you hear about the man they buried alive?" Ben says with a grin, and Klaus has a sinking feeling he knows where this is going, "It was a grave mistake.

Klaus groans, "He got to you too. You, brother mine, have been spending far too much time with Death."

The rest of his siblings look like they're watching a train wreck that they aren't sure what to do with. Five looks angry but he always looks angry. Vanya looks confused and tired. Allison is looking between them nervously. Luthor, the monkey man is frowning and Diego is flipping his knife around like he couldn't care less.

"Duh, where did you think I was when you were on drugs? He has a great farmhouse. I helped him with his tomatoes."

Klaus sighs and then smiles. Really it's not the dead you have to worry about it was the living. And he now had six pain in the ass living siblings all in one place again. Things were gonna get wild and Klaus had a feeling the puns weren't going away anytime soon.

AUTHORS NOTE: In honor of Sir Terry Pratchett who inspired so much and is still missed. This is a plot bunny I've head in my head since season one finished and I finally sat down and wrote it all out. This is the first thing I've ever written for the umbrella academy so hopefully, you enjoyed it. et me know what you think! Comments and constructive criticism is all welcomed here!

OTHER PUNS I wanted to fit in that Death has no doubt used at some time:

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

ATOMS ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY LITTLE CREATURES. THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING.

Also a quote I wanted Death to have about Vanya that I couldn't quite figure out how to put in:

MANKIND IS GOOD AT MANY THINGS. MAKING MONSTERS HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THEM.