She Didn't Have Time

Chapter 1:

Authors Note: Just to make a couple things clear, so there is no confusion (hopefully). This is an AU (alternate universe) story. Everyone got approved for fellowships at New York-Presbyterian Hospital. Cannon it seemed that Addison, Derek, Mark, Naomi and Sam met in New York during medical school. I have scoured the internet and couldn't find anywhere it specifically says where they did their fellowships at after medical school, so I just chose the best rated hospital in NY, and we will go with that. Derek and Addison were never married. (Not sure when they got married Cannon, but it never happened in this story.) Derek cheated on Addison with Meredith while in Medical School. Meredith is in the same year that they are (for story sake). Derek went back to Meredith after he left Addison.

Addison's POV:

"I'm so sorry Addison." He says, "I thought things would be different when the baby came. I thought I would be different."

"You expected things to change in three days, when they haven't changed in 40 weeks Derek? You do realize I just gave birth to son, right? You were there so…." I lean against the porch railing for support. Not believing this is happening right now. I don't know what I expected to happen. We have been fighting daily since the day I found out I was pregnant with Landon. Unfortunately, that makes for a miserable 40 weeks. Every little thing is a fight. I don't even remember what we were arguing about before I went into labor, but then we were fighting over whether I was truly in labor or not. Then it was 'your waters haven't gone; you've just wet yourself.' Three miserable days stuck in the hospital with Derek moping and moaning about this and that, but not really being productive, or helping with anything. I would have rather given birth, unmedicated, on my own, on the dirty floor of a strip club down the street than every repeat that experience. 24 hours to induce after labor didn't progress. 12 hours of active labor, delivery, and then 36 hours of observation, because I bled more than is typically expected after he was born and passed out cold in the bathroom. It all would have been fine if Derek wasn't there. The only good thing that came out of the whole experience is that my beautiful little boy Landon was born, small, but healthy, at 6lbs 5oz and 17 and ½ inches long. He is my everything. I look at the monitor, carefully watching his breathing, I check his oxygen rates on the monitor, it attaches over Bluetooth to the owlet sock, to make sure his rates are where they should be, before Derek speaks again, and I look up.

"You're better off without me, I'm not what you need." He tries, but I just sigh, and shake my head. Thinking back to when I told Bizzy I was pregnant and marrying 'that Shepherd Boy' which is what she always called him, always particular emphasis that he is not good enough to be associated with a Montgomery. I swear I thought she was going to pass out and have a full-blown stroke on the kitchen floor. 'Why are you doing this to me? Haven't I raised you better than this? He's just no good for you Addison. He's just going to hurt you, and your reputation. Montgomery's don't marry people like that!' and then a whole 5-day long visit yelling at me for getting pregnant in the first place, and why didn't I use protection, and oh, since I was indeed on three forms of protection, birth control pills, spermicide (latex safe) and condoms, that I must have used them wrong, because birth control doesn't fail. I am 30 years old mother, not 13. Seriously? I guess Bizzy was right in the end though, she usually is, but Landon was meant to be here. He is a little miracle.

"I'm sorry… I just can't do this. I have my fellowship, I have Meredith."

"This has nothing to do with our fellowships, and everything to do with Meredith." I accuse. "Sam and Naomi have Maya. It would be difficult, but it wouldn't be impossible."

"This is your problem Addison; I love her, and you chose to keep the baby. You should have had the abortion Bizzy tried to talk you into." He says, looking down at the baby on the monitor with disgust.

"My only 'problem' is that this is your baby too Derek. Are you really going to let your girlfriend come between you and your son? You promised me you would help me raise him! That we would work together so we could both complete our fellowships!" I glare at him furiously, to angry to even cry as he repeats 'I'm sorry' and gets in his rusty old jeep, backing down the driveway to the turnaround point, and turning onto the main road.

'Even a stranger would show more compassion than that.' I murmur to myself, my heart racing, sinking down onto the porch swing, and watching our beautiful little boy on the baby monitor. I take a deep breath thinking, 'What in the hell am I supposed to do now?"

"You had the baby!" Naomi screams her voice sheer delight, running up to me and giving me a big hug. "You didn't call me!" She says, mock hurt, but she is smiling so big. "When?"

"I just got out of the hospital last night. You and Sam were still visiting family, you won't have another chance for a while, I didn't want to bother you." I say, knowing that this three-week break before fellowships start is all we will be getting, aside from the mandated days off. "Thanks for coming over today."

"No problem, Sam has Maya, they're at baby signing time this morning is everything packed up?"

"Not really." I say, and we walk into the house, I frown, looking around to everything else need to pack. Derek was supposed to be here helping me with this, we were supposed to make this move together, we were supposed to do a lot of things. I was able to get the condo right next door to Sam and Naomi, within walking distance of New York-Presbyterian Hospital where we managed to get in for our fellowships. I probably could have just hired someone, but Bizzy said while she was willing to allow me to pay for the condo out of my monthly stipend, if I was going to live as simply as a 'regular girl' instead of ' one with class.' I needed to learn to move like only reason she agreed to pay for the condo is because she likes Sam and Naomi. I finally did something she approves of. I hadn't told her Derek left me. She doesn't even know I had the baby, yet. I plan on telling her, I will tell her just…... would it make a difference when? I want a few days with my baby. I want him to be surrounded by love before the "I told you so's" start coming in.

We walk into the kitchen, where I have Landon's swing set up. He has to be one of the calmest babies I have ever seen in my life, I wonder how he ended up so calm, when the majority of what he heard on the inside, or at least what I felt of the majority of the things he heard, was Derek and I fighting. There were times when I was at work, or at home and Derek wasn't around that I would sing to him or read him a selection of the children' stories that I had already purchased for the nursery. Maybe that is what helped him. Maybe he wasn't affected by the constant stress I was under due to Derek's constant bickering as I thought he would be.

"Oh my God…." Naomi whispers, going over to the swing where baby Landon had just woken up. "Addison he is beautiful, can I hold him?" She asks, and I motion her forward. Like 'are you really asking?'. She beams washes her hands, then picks him up, oh so carefully, talking to him as she snuggles him close. His eyes follow her, and he gurgles up at her in response. "He's so tiny!" She coos. "I don't think Maya was ever this small."

"I just wish Derek could see that he is wonderful." I murmur, taping a box shut on the bottom, climbing up on top of the cabinet, taking down all the dishes from the top shelves, and placing them carefully on the countertop.

"What do you mean?" She asks me, and then "Here I'll help you."

"I'm fine, I need stay active, to de stress, would you like to feed him a bottle?" I ask, I had just pumped before she came over, so I had a bottle sitting on the counter, ready, knowing that Landon wouldn't be asleep for long after Naomi showed up.

"You just had a baby; you need to rest." She objects, "I can pack some for you." But she is drawn into Landon again, he is starting to quietly fuss now, hungry, right on que. She takes the bottle of expressed milk from me, and gently strokes his cheek. He opens his mouth, latching onto the bottle, drinking slowly. "He's so delicious." She says, taking a deep breath, taking in that sweet newborn smell and when he is set turns her attention back to me. "What happened with Derek?"

"Um…." I say. Wrapping the plates in newspaper, putting them in the box. "I guess He wasn't ready to be a Father."

"Oh? I thought you two were working things out?"

"He went back to Meredith. He brought us home from the hospital, grabbed some of his things, and left." I say, as simple as if I am saying 2+2 = 4 or the sky is blue. She looks at me as I continue to wrap and pack wrap and pack, almost robotic.

"Are you OK?" She asks, watching me, concerned.

"Do I have any other choice?" I ask? Looking gently over at Landon, listening to that little newborn, gaspy sound, as he tries to figure out how to both drink from a bottle, and breathe out his nose at the same time. "I mean I'm angry, possibly a little numb, but there is nothing I can do to fix the situation, Derek is obviously never coming back. I'm Landon's mom… I don't have time to let anything come between us, and I have to complete my fellowship. I need this and he has to know at least one of his parents loves him enough to fight for him."

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" I yawn into the phone.

"You had the baby and you didn't even call us?"

"It's 3AM Bizzy." I inform her, before sighing annoyed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "It's not like you wanted to be there anyway." The only thing I can think of worse than having Derek in the delivery room would have been having Bizzy in the delivery room. I finished med school at the top of my class, completed my residency with honors, but still that wasn't enough for her. I am uncomfortable, still cramping and I need to nurse Landon. I check on him, but he is still sleeping. I hadn't taken any of the pain medication the hospital gave me. There is just not enough research to know how it affects breastmilk.

"How did you even know? I -"

"Carolyn called, yesterday and left a message, I took the first flight home from Paris."

"Oh…..God…. He told his mother?" I ask horrified ignoring the rest, not even bothering why she didn't take the private plane.

"As you should have done!"

"Can we argue about this later?" I ask her. I could just hang up, but no one hangs up on Bizzy if they know what's good for them. "I didn't even know you were in Paris. How would I have contacted you?"

"What is this boy doing to you Addison?" She asks, sounding so confused. "You know the staff have my full itinerary. If you would have bothered to call the home phone they would have gotten in touch."

"You never let us call unless there is an emergency….." I say dully. Thinking back to the third grade when Bizzy and The Captain were off, somewhere or another, and I broke my leg, falling off a horse during lessons. I got a shiny blue cast, and our nanny Amanda got fired for bothering my parents during "their time". I have never once found out what an constitutes and actual emergency in her eyes. The cook was fired for disturbing them another time when Archer snuck up in the middle of the night, and tried cooking something, setting the kitchen on fire. The refrigerator and the stove had to be completely replaced. Issues with the Montgomery Children obviously did not count as emergencies.

"My only daughter giving birth to my first grandchild isn't an emergency?" She demands, and I just stay silent. "Tell me about the baby. Is it a boy or a girl? What does it look like? What did you call it?" She asks rapid fire. I don't understand why she cares. She was never interested in having children aside from as a status symbol. We were raised by nannies. We were barley even saw our parents. She wasn't interested in him the entire time I was pregnant aside from to lecture me about how stupid I am, throwing away opportunities.

"His name is Landon, and he's beautiful." I finally say.

"I will be there this afternoon around 5pm." She says, and I try so hard not to groan into the phone.

"Bizzy no…." I say "I'm still not finished packing to move into the condo and…"

"So I will help you pack." She offers, and now it is MY turn to be confused. What is she doing?

"Umm….." I answer, but then she chides 'We don't say ummm Addison. It makes you sound unintelligent.' "Bizzy I just had a baby, I'm sore, tired, I'm not really feeling up to visitors right now." I try, but I know it will get me nowhere.

"You put yourself in that situation, stop whining, you know I despise whining." She snaps.

"Fine… fine…. Fine… I'll see you this evening then." I say, just wanting to end this conversation, knowing she will keep pushing and pushing until she gets her way, despite anything I say or do. Maybe Naomi will come over, and then I won't have to deal with Bizzy all on my own. She says 'yes, my plane lands at 5pm.' As if she didn't just tell me this and hangs up the phone without even saying goodbye.

It seems to be some type of routine now, wake up in severe pain, and covered in milk. Pump. Nurse the little nursling, pump some more. Change diapers, and then he is generally asleep again, and I can take a shower, and change clothes, get ready for the day. I am waiting at the airport at precisely 5pm. Landon attached to me, snuggled in a baby-carrier. I sit dully in the private lounge, waiting for her to arrive. Why she couldn't have just hired a car is beyond me. I am betting she just wanted to make my life a little more miserable. Landon starts to whimper, and I push my top aside, still covered by the carrier, as I allow him to nurse. Where is this plane? I just want to get home. I must zone out, sometime after Landon falls back asleep because after a while, I hear her calling my name.

"Addison, I've been looking all over for you, why weren't you outside to meet the plane?"

"Hello Bizzy." I say unenthused. She is pulling her own luggage. I don't think I have ever seen her pull her own luggage; I wonder where her assistant who normally accompanies her is. How will she ever manage her own life?

"You could show a little more enthusiasm to see your Mother. I haven't seen you in years."

"I'm sorry." I automatically say, Landon feels suddenly heavy against me as I struggle to take in a deep breath.

"I don't know who you are anymore." She says frowning, her eyes moving from my hair, down to my cheap flats. I was so tired, and I know it is wrong, 'a Montgomery woman should always take personal pride in her appearance. She should conduct herself with elegance and grace and be an asset to any of the rooms she enters. Hair, nails, make up, and outfit choice are essential.' I remember each of the ridiculously long list of rules my mother held me to growing up, but today I only did the bare minimum with my hair, make up, and outfit choice to come and get her. Most of my "Bizzy Approved" clothing is packed, and I couldn't be bothered to haul a newborn out to buy something appropriate. I am just too tired. Add on newborn Landon in the baby-carrier and I am sure to her I look like this year's greatest version of America's Next White Trash Mom, probably something close to her worst nightmare.

"Did you ever?" I ask, but she ignores me, demanding to see the baby. I unsnap the hood of the baby carrier, reveling his sweet little head. His face turned sideways, resting against my chest as he sleeps.

"How can you put him in that thing?" She immediately asks, "Are you trying to suffocate him?"

"It's a breathable carrier Bizzy. He won't suffocate, I can feel him breathing against my chest." She gives me a distrusting look, saying something about 'when you were a baby mothers carried their babies around in prams, none of this tacky tying the baby to you'. I am certain she meant nannies and not mothers. Certainly, she wasn't speaking about herself. Even when we were with our parents, the nanny was always on standby, ready to quickly take over at a moment's notice.

"It's not proper to have the baby that close." She says, "How will he ever learn to be independent?"

"He's not even a week old Bizzy." I point out, and then "So where are we doing this, do you want to go for dinner, coffee or?"

"We're going to your house; I will help you pack and spend time with my grandson. That is what I came down here for. I rearranged my entire schedule for you, don't be so ungrateful Addison. Let's go." She says.

"Ok… I know… I'm sorry." I say, as we leave.

"This is where you live?" She asks, as we pull up to the small two-bedroom home, with the handsome wrap around porch. God how I would love to take Landon, wrap him in a snuggly blanket so he doesn't get a chill in the cool night air, and stay on that swing with him for hours.

"Not for that much longer." I say, Landon is asleep in his car seat, so I take the whole seat out of the car, balancing him while I open the door, attaching the seat to the extra carseat base that I keep near the couch, so that his car seat stays at a safe angle for sleeping.

"Can I hold him?" She asks

"He's sleeping."

"I could put him back to sleep, I'm sure he needs to eat anyway."

"Have you ever held a baby? Do you know how to feed a baby Bizzy?" I ask, but she is already fumbling with his car seat, I sigh, and go to them. I undo the buckles and straps, lifting him out carefully, and once Bizzy sits down, place him in her arms.

"Oh…." She says, and almost smiles before "He looks just like that boy. Where is he anyway? Work?"

"He left me." I whisper. Not sure why I am even telling her this, she has never been one for emotional warmth.

"I'm sure it was for the better." Landon is waking up now, and she looks shocked, like she doesn't know what to do with him.

"Just bounce him and pat him a little. He'll be fine." I say, trying to assure her that she isn't a complete train wreck of a mother, and grandmother, trying not to roll my eyes at the sheer panic in hers, as I warm up the bottle, test that it isn't too hot, and hand it to Bizzy. "Prop him up a little so he doesn't choke." I help her position him, "Hold the bottle level so he doesn't get too much air." I stroke his cheek and he open his mouth. I put the bottle in, and then she takes it from me, her hand brushing mine, pausing a little too long.

"I'm not here to hurt you Addison." She says. "I just-I want to help, if you have any chance of raising this baby, you're going to need help."

"What kind of help would that be?" I ask, not even bothering to entertain her with the notation that I am fine, that I don't need help. He is my son. I am perfectly capable of raising him on my own. I'm just too worn out to argue.

"I could help you find a good adoption agency, or I could take him until you finish your fellowship year." She offers. Why am I not surprised?

"Give him to you and then what? Get a child back in a year who doesn't even know me? No." I shake my head hard; I feel sick at even the thought.

"I'm just trying to help Addison." Landon finishes his milk, and I give her a rag, re-positioning him onto her shoulder. She pats his back, the wrong way, and too hard. He whimpers and I quickly instruct her how to do it properly.

"He is my son, my responsibility. I will not toss him away to pursue my career, and I will not have him raised by a parade of nannies like Archer and I were."

"You're making a mistake."

"Look at him Bizzy, he could never be a mistake."